Social services called to my home

[ea4843]

Looking for a little reassurance, please be kind.

I have a 2yr old daughter, my own business, a beautiful home, I'm educated and we have a lovely life. My 2yr old is the happiest, brightest child. We are so blessed.
I've been in a relationship for just over a year now with a chap I was friends with for a long time (we belong to the same friendship group) However, he isn't my daughters biological father.
In the middle of December it was a friend of mines birthday and we'd had a lot to drink - I mean, a lot! I was having a once in a blue moon night off from parenting and letting my hair down and having a ruddy good time! It was great. When I eventually made it back to our home I'd decided after being in the house for a short time, that I wanted to go back out again. My partner didn't agree. I think he'd probably thought I was too drunk and being silly and needed my bed.
To cut a long story short, the night ended with him dragging me up the stairs and for some reason (probably frustratrafion for the situation) pinned me on my bed and shouted in my face. It was in this moment that I scratched his chest. I remember feeling terrified and to be honest, quite triggered.
To my shame and embarrassment, my daughter was home when this had happened. He was babysitting while I was out. She had been sleeping and was, up until that point, undisturbed.
My next door neighbour had called the police and when they arrived I was absolutely intoxicated, triggered, obviously couldn't regulate my own emotions and was arrested - and rightly so! How ridiculous of me. I am mortified and ashamed, let that be known.
I was arrested on a domestic abuse charge. So my partner had, a few days later, filed a report to state what his actions had been and what it was that had lead to me scratch him in the first place. So he too, has now been charged with domestic assault.
I've never been arrested or in trouble with anyone before and I've certainly never been involved in a situation like this before.
Although my partner and I haven't really had any contact since this situation, we've both agreed not to press charges, but the police are pushing for them anyway.
I've received a letter today with a social services appointment to visit my home with my daughter in a few days and I'm absolutely terrified!
The police had advised me that due to the nature of the incident and the fact that my daughter was in our home when it had happened, that they would have to inform them.
As I've said, I've never been involved in anything like this before and I just don't know what to expect. We are not this type of family, we don't live this way. This is not a reflection of me as a parent or an adult. I'd had too much wine with my dinner and had reacted based on my partners inappropriate behaviour towards me.
And to be clear, this has never happened before. My partner does have BPD and that shouldn't be held against him. His reaction towards me was wildly inappropriate and he is now seeking help for this. Although that isn't my main concern for now and I'm not even sure I can go forward with the relationship after this, I'm just filling in some gaps.
I'm just unsure of what to expect with a social worker visit. It's worrying and I'm so embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself by the whole escapade.

Any kind advice is welcome,
Thanks in advance.

Yes it’s constant, any time anyone is called out on introducing a man they’ve barely known funny it’s always they’ve known them 10 years (see it on a lot of my single parent groups on Facebook as well) not fooling anyone, only ever mention it when they get rightly criticised. Someone was asking on a group I’m on what you do when your “secret date” wants to be invited in for coffee when her 13 year old is at home alone and when she was pulled up on it suddenly she’s known him 10 years 😌

OP said he doesn't have a history of violence.

She IS the victim, because partner dragged her up a flight of stairs. And no we don't know the full details because we weren't there, but that doesn't mean to jump on a bandwagon of judging her. I agree with the poster who says that abusers can often make the abused person look like the perpetrator, so that is a possibility. We don't know she is lying about anything!

She scratched his chest and was very upset due to being drunk. Wouldn't you be incapable of controlling your emotions if you were dragged up a flight of stairs and pinned to a bed? That is disgusting behaviour and no amount of being drunk excuses a person being abusive towards said person.

I am reporting the responses on this thread for victim blaming an abused woman.

I was replying to another commenter about her ex not the op. 🥰

So your reporting people who don't agree with you 🤔

So who looked after the dd when the police came round and arrested op ?

The judgement on this thread is unreal.

OP, what goes on behind closed doors is unbelievable in both the numbers of ‘respectable’ people who do/experience bad things and the extent of some of the stuff that goes on. You’re not the first and won’t be the last to make this sort of mistake. You’ve been irresponsible for sure, but just sort it out from here and creat a life where it never can happen again - which means never getting that drunk again and probably not continuing that relationship.

Be honest with SS - they will be interested in how you form relationships, who cares for your child, your relationship with your partner and with alcohol. It’s possible some supervision will continue but unlikely to be anything more. Make safeguarding your child from here your absolute priority from here.

MN is supposed to be a place of support. OP came here for advice, and disagreeing with me is fine; some advice that she might not want to hear is fine - for example advising her to end the relationship, or asking her more about it.

But there is a bandwagon of unnecessary judgment and assumptions being made about someone who has clearly described an act of domestic violence towards her and that is not okay.

Ridiculous, overly dramatic comment.

@ea4843 your replies appear very much like you are minimising because you are defending your behaviour as “time off.” It’s fine to go out and have a few drinks as a parent but what on Earth were you thinking coming home that drunk? Regardless of who was babysitting etc, do you realise how scary witnessing Mum paralytic and out of control would be for a toddler?

I’d reassure SS that you are either reducing your drinking massively or will be staying in a different location to your child after drinking.

You didn’t mention if her bio father is around but SS can also let him know if there are safety concerns, as well as nursery if she attends, so you might want to be upfront and honest beforehand if these situations apply.

OP clearly stated that her DD was fast asleep until her partner assaulted her.

MNers who never got drunk as parents. Really? And have you never heard of reactive abuse?

The only person I care about is the child who was awoken by her mum and mums boyfriend fighting. Mum being so intoxicated she couldn't control herself and then being arrested and taken away by police because of her behaviour. Then a 2 year old girl yet again being left alone with the mums new boyfriend while mummy spends a night in the cell.

*led

Your neighbour heard and was so concerned for you, your child and your partner they called the police.
think about it for a minute.
its not about anyone here judging you, that independent witness was that concerned for your safety they rang the police.

one thing I’ve realised about mumsnet over the years was people might not say what you want to hear, but there’s normally truth and concern in the replies. They won’t be fluffy like your friends, a lot of the replies will be people who have lived the life in some capacity. they will be honest and well meaning replies. All be it harsh when your on the receiving end

I once while quite drunk fell over and gave myself concussion, I then decided it would be a good idea to go back out , it obviously wasn't! My 26 year old at the time manhandled me up to my room and refused to let me back out luckily, god knows what would have happened if I'd have gone back out in that state. He should have probably phoned an ambulance as well in hindsight.

I'm getting the vibes from what op has said as being similar except there was no fall or head injury in her case

It may be a one off as it was with me, although I didn't have any little children in the house and it wasn't all down to drink . But minimising what she did and implying that it's this guys fault and bringing up his mh isn't on , she's known him for 10 years and he has no history of violence and she left her child with him. She's obviously had a difficult year and this is what has happened, she needs to own it

Especially as he was only arrested days later when he was questioned and was obviously honest about restraining her, he's not lied or tried to worm his way out of it

Oh...you know the reply button doesn't work? (And MN are entirely unbothered by this).

pp asking who looked after DD that night, must be the boyfriend.

They are both charged.

Being drunk is not illegal, but being so drunk you are not in control of yourself while your child is under the same roof is the reason that social services have been called in.

There are huge lapses of judgement over an extended period of time here on the part of the OP, none of which are crimes in and of themselves, but put together they constitute a slow motion train wreck.

The first lapse of judgement is getting involved in a romantic relationship while the baby was so young. There is a lack of prioritizing of the baby there, considerable divided attention.

The second is having a male partner with a diagnosed personality disorder move into a home with a baby who is not his own. People with Cluster B personality disorders generally do not get a diagnosis until their lives have become quite unmanageable and they are forced to admit that they may be the ones with the problem.

The third is leaving someone whose condition involves a fear of abandonment and impulsiveness, for a long evening, and then trying to leave again. It's not the job of the average person to manage the mental health condition of someone else, but some awareness of the effect of your behaviour on someone else is important, and more to the point, the potential impact of this person's MH issue on the child needed to be taken into account. Providing the mental health context is not done to excuse his behaviour toward her but to ask if she had much understanding of the salient aspects of his condition, for the sake of her child, whom she left in his care.

The fourth is the idea that a ruddy good time equals getting off your tits. This priority is not a healthy one.

OP cares about her daughter. She wasn't awoken because her mum was intoxicated, she was woken up because her partner attacked her, which led to a fight because OP fought back. We also don't know that she couldn't control herself merely due to being intoxicated - she might have been very upset due to the said physical assault. And the only reason she spent the night in the cell at that time was because her partner pressed charges against her for scratching his chest.

Honestly, I think OP has been punished enough for getting drunk one time

The only reason OP now has SS involvement is because of him. Otherwise, she'd have just woken up the next day with a terrible hangover.

But I don't suppose anyone on MN ever gets drunk do they?

Well said and i think this is why me and @Firefly2009 are on different pages on this as I assume she is a victim of past dv and I was the child growing up in this environment

Or shed have gone back out and who knows what would have happened to her in that state.

If you are so out of it that a police visit doesn't calm you down and you are arrested then there is an issue on the ops side. And what happened to dd while she was carted off? Op hasn't mentioned that yet

Not read all the thread but I have worked in domestic abuse support/safeguarding.

Likely the SW will be hoping that your relationship is over, you express remorse, maybe agree to go on a freedom course and they can close the case.

If they get the sense you are minimising or wanting to continue what they would perceive as a volitile relationship which puts your child at risk then there will be further action taken.

You should know that witnessing DA is categorised as child abuse even if they are never physically or verbally targeted themselves due to the emotional impact of seeing your parent harmed/harming.

I would imagine she was awoken when her mum came in drunk and then insisted on going out again to drink even more when she had clearly had enough I can't imagine she was quiet about it

I am not against social services being called. If I were the neighbour I would have done the exact same thing. I would be concerned as well.

But this isn't a pattern. It's the first time it's happened. You are blowing this way out of proportion with your level of judgment. The fact that you aren't concerned for OP but only the child, I do have a problem with. You may well have been the child growing up in a DV environment, this child hasn't been.

"And the only reason she spent the night in the cell at that time was because her partner pressed charges against her for scratching his chest."

But that's not the only reason she was actually arrested, from her own description.

OP does mention being "triggered" so I'm guessing has been abused before.

But the tone, the lack of remorse, the "decent wine", "not that kind of people" adds up very oddly.