Boyfriend dumped me out of the blue because "this relationship is not right for him"

[NCbutusualposter]

Hi all, I have NCed for this post as I am concerned it could be very outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history. I am a long-term Mumsnet user and I have been active on this board for a long time.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years yesterday night told me that he didn't think we should continue dating because he isn't sure this relationship was right for him. I am floored but also angry and confused as I genuinely don't understand what he means!

I am 29 and he is 36, no kids. We talked about moving in together earlier last year but he eventually said he didn't feel ready for it, which I understood at the time given that we had been dating less than a year at that point. We had even found a flat which we were about to pay a deposit for, but he changed his mind last minute. That maybe should have been a sign that his heart wasn't into it?

Then a couple of weeks ago he mentioned looking for another place for himself as he isn't happy with his current flat. I told him that I was hurt by the fact that he was making plans without considering me, he apologized and I thought we moved past that. We had a lovely Christmas break together with my family, he was affectionate and lovely as usual. With the benefit of hindsight, we have been intimate less often in the last few months but he has never had a super high libido so I didn't find it alarming.

Then yesterday night he came home and dropped the bomb and ended the relationship just like that. I don't understand what he means by "not the right relationship for him". How can you be so affectionate, caring, and loving, and then just switch it off from one day to the next? He was so cold and rational and I was a total emotional mess.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and did it eventually work out somehow? Is there any chance he will change his mind? Could it be that he freaked out because he felt pressured by the idea of moving in together?

Thank you all for your advice

Then yesterday night he came home and dropped the bomb and ended the relationship

based on Your OP, there was actually some strong signs brewing

Is there any chance he will change his mind?

You don't want him to change his mind. It's over, I suggest you allow it to be over. He's done you a massive favour, you just don't see it yet.

Relationships sometimes just dont work out. There doesn’t always have to be a reason like cheating etc. People just sadly lose feelings or change and unfortunately you have no power over that.

I hope you find the strength to heal and move on.

He did the chickenshit thing of pretending through Christmas. I'm sorry op, it looks like he's been planning to end it for a while.

It's over. You are worth more then waiting around for him to change his mind or been his back up option. Long term he's done you a favour, it sounds like he's had one foot out the door for a while, and now you don't have to waste any more time on someone who's heart isn't in it.

We can all leave a relationship if we want to. There doesn't need to be a reason. Sorry you have been hurt but time to move on.

The title of your thread basically sums it up - it’s not right for him.
Really crappy of him to go through Christmas like that, but he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to continue with the relationship.

It means what it says on the tin. It's not right for him, ergo he no longer wants it.

There's a very interesting TED talk on why the urge to "understand" more deeply as if this will somehow bring closure, is utterly misplaced. The reasons of the other person are simply not relevant - all you need to know is that whatever it was, it was strong enough for them to end the relationship.

Shit to go through, and I really do wish you well as you come to terms with it.

OP

I was your boyfriend once, in my mid 20s. I started to look at flats to rent with my DP at the time and doing so made it clear to me I wasn’t ready to get that serious with him. We stayed together a few more weeks but then broke up. It’s hard if one of you is ready to take the next step, to be the one that isn’t.

And it may be that he thought you were ok slowing down, but your reaction to him seeking to change flat without asking you showed you weren’t.

No one is in the wrong here, it’s just not working out.

Really sorry this happened to you but ultimately its the right outcome. You felt he was right for you BUT he understood that you were not right for him. That is a good outcome after 1.5 years of dating. A bad outcome is one partner continuing the relationship when its not right for them.

You are grieving, because its sad (for you) but all the feels in the world wont make it right for him. So puck yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on the horse when you are ready.

I agree with this. So many friends have had relationships fail just after Christmas, just after a Birthday, just after a holiday. Its one of those things really, it's fizzled. If it isn't right for him then he isn't the one for you. I'm sorry though, it hurts.

Relationships do end, you are just not "the one", he doesn't want to settle down and maybe you just have different hopes and wishes. It's better this has happened now, it's nothing to do with libido, don't blame yourself, be kind to yourself, you will find someone else and 18 months isn't that long in the great scheme. Don't waste precious energy being angry.

He doesn't owe you a relationship.
Be thankful (to the universe, not him) for the good bits, accept his perfectly reasonable decision, and wish him a friendly farewell.

Not sure what advice you're looking for, he doesn't seem to have done anything wrong that I can see.
We are all allowed to walk away from relationships if we don't think it's with the right person and we'd be happier taking another path.
Have to admit though, seems like the writing was on the wall but you weren't really reading it.

Anyway, shit happens. Lick your wounds, regroup, onwards when you're ready.

Yup.
Just look at how many threads on MN the OP talks about instigating a break up after Christmas.

It hurts right now, but he hasn't done anything wrong. Better now than in six months or a year. For both of you.

Sadly, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any more. Of course this is painful and hurtful and will take you time to get over. But there is no benefit to trying to read between the lines and work out what he's thinking or if he might change his mind. Take him at his word and accept that it's over.

Most relationships change around the 1.5-2 years stage. After the Lust and excitement and discovery stuff.
What’s left isn’t enough for him. Be dignified. You can be honest about being hurt but he’s allowed to end things and doesn’t owe you anything more than honesty.
It also doesn’t mean there’s anything at all wrong with you!

Tbh I wouldn't be surprised if there's another woman on thr scene. I was already thinking that before you mentioned the reduction in the sex life. And the 'you're not the one for me' seems like a hint. I might be reading too much into it but...as mumsnetters often point out, unfortunately men rarely leave an ok relationship, to be single.

Sometimes a relationship just doesn't work, he clearly felt that. Nothing more to it OP you shouldn't be trying to work it out.

People can end relationships for any reason they see fit

He didn't ghost you, he told you the relationship was over as it wasn't right for him. That is fine to do. He doesn't owe you a relationship.

1.5 years is a decent enough time to get to know each other, get over the honeymoon period and decide you aren't the one for him. It would have been much worse if he had strung you along for another X amount of years. Whether he was a coward and faked it over Christmas, or was hoping his feelings would change and then decided they wouldn't and wanted to start the new year a fresh who knows

Dont do the 'pick me dance". The relationship wasn't right, move on, learn from it, did he have any qualities that you really did/did not like that you can look for/avoid in your next partner. Looking back on your own behaviour did you behave or communicate in a way that came across jealous / insecure that might suggest your self esteem needs working on before getting into another relationship or was the relationship mutually respectful and did it just run it's course?

Don't, whatever you do wait for him to change his mind. A similar thing happened to me when I was a bit younger than you. I hung around waiting, agreed to be ' friends'.We never got back together but I wasted a lot of time waiting for him to change his mind. If he wants you back, he'll have to do the work, not you. Take him at his word and get closure. Move on.

You're understandably hurt but I'd suggest taking time to grieve the relationship then move on, he's not obliged to stay in a relationship with you if he's not happy, and you don't need to understand the ins and outs of why he wasn't happy.

He did the right thing and broke up before he wrecked your chances of finding a relationship that would allow you to have children of that is your desire.

take the time to grieve the relationship and then move on. Sometimes it just isn’t right.