Boyfriend dumped me out of the blue because "this relationship is not right for him"

[NCbutusualposter]

Hi all, I have NCed for this post as I am concerned it could be very outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history. I am a long-term Mumsnet user and I have been active on this board for a long time.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years yesterday night told me that he didn't think we should continue dating because he isn't sure this relationship was right for him. I am floored but also angry and confused as I genuinely don't understand what he means!

I am 29 and he is 36, no kids. We talked about moving in together earlier last year but he eventually said he didn't feel ready for it, which I understood at the time given that we had been dating less than a year at that point. We had even found a flat which we were about to pay a deposit for, but he changed his mind last minute. That maybe should have been a sign that his heart wasn't into it?

Then a couple of weeks ago he mentioned looking for another place for himself as he isn't happy with his current flat. I told him that I was hurt by the fact that he was making plans without considering me, he apologized and I thought we moved past that. We had a lovely Christmas break together with my family, he was affectionate and lovely as usual. With the benefit of hindsight, we have been intimate less often in the last few months but he has never had a super high libido so I didn't find it alarming.

Then yesterday night he came home and dropped the bomb and ended the relationship just like that. I don't understand what he means by "not the right relationship for him". How can you be so affectionate, caring, and loving, and then just switch it off from one day to the next? He was so cold and rational and I was a total emotional mess.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and did it eventually work out somehow? Is there any chance he will change his mind? Could it be that he freaked out because he felt pressured by the idea of moving in together?

Thank you all for your advice

She's not psychic. Just communicate properly about doubts so you can discuss them as a team rather than give 'clear signs' which aren't actually clear at all, and then dump you so one party is blindsided. It's poor form being all cosy over Christmas then ditching you.

OP, going off your previous posts, it does seem that you’re trying to fabricate some reasons to hate him. Which isn’t totally unsurprising, given how hurt you feel.
But the fact is he’s been pretty reasonable about the break-up. The timing sucks, but he’s been honest with you and didn’t ghost you or break-up in some other nonsense way. I suspect the cold and rational nature of it was because he was determined to go through with the break-up and not waver this time round.
You're right to block him on everything. Just don’t be tempted to unblock him after a few days/weeks and try to get him to change his mind/give it another chance. I did that once… it didn’t end well.

he said that he didn’t want to buy with her. Repeating what he’d said month ago.

The Op evidently got very upset

this was two weeks before christmas. they’d planned to go to her family. he stuck to the plan so as not to cause drama over christmas for the op and her family and then as soon as that had passed…. he was clear. very clear. it’s over

If you’re not right for him, that’s the only explanation needed.

Considering the Q4 thread was you, it doesn’t really sound like he has dumped you out of the blue, it seems like the relationship has been a little problematic for a while.

I don’t see what he has done that is not honourable, he has ended a relationship with a discussion, he didn’t ghost you after 18 months now that would be dishonourable. Likewise, he hasn’t treated you like trash, he has ended a relationship that wasn’t working for him.

At the beginning many people will be enthusiastic about a new relationship, it doesn’t mean that they were being false or deceitful just because down the line, they realise the relationship is not for them after all.

Anyway, I do agree with your decision to cut all contact, a clean break will help your recovery. Be kind to yourself, keep busy, see your friends and family and this will pass.

I think the only thing he did wrong here was going ahead with your family Christmas and displaying affection and publicly making it seem like all was well with the relationship (which it might well have been, and the family Christmas might have just brought on the decision to separate). I can understand that it will be more embarrassing for you in front of your family to say you have split now, and confusing for them after they welcomed him over Christmas. But he seems to have done this in the kindest way he could in the circumstances.

@TheQueenMakersDaughter I think it's OK to offer support to someone who's hurting, don't you?

Absolutely but painting the ex as the baddie is not support. It's ridiculous. Support is helping someone through by listening and assurances and being kind. Just saying he's a this that and the other is what 14 year olds do. Anyone older than that still doing it has not understood at all.

Saying he was cowardly to break things off with no reason isn't painting him badly, it's a matter of opinion.

It's pretty unpleasant to have a relationship end when you thought it was all fine. You have no chance to discuss, improve, change. You're dumped and don't see it coming. Then the person doesn't care to ease you through it by telling I what went wrong

Others prefer not to know all the details and are glad that it ended on positive note(rather than moths of misery) I guess

When we met he was super keen and initially he was the one chasing me. For the first few months of our relationship, I wasn't super sure and he romanced me, courted me, and covered me with compliments and attentions. I feel like he love-bombed and manipulated me into falling in love with him, and as soon as I was properly hooked in he lost interest, and now he has dumped me like a piece of trash with no second thought.

So he first thought you were amazing. He chased you with great intent. This is normal. And nice don't you think ?

Then he settled into the relationship and started to get to know you better and started having doubts. Again absolutely normal.

He voiced these doubts. He didn't pretend and hide anything from you. You both tried to make it work.

He realised it was all wrong. He got through the Christmas period and realised absolutely that this relationship was wrong for him. But he cared and was finding it hard and knew you would be upset so he closed up a bit and appeared cold. 100% normal and understandable as it was not an easy thing to do.

There was no treating you like trash. That's your interpretation. Not his message. He has MANY MANY second and third thoughts. You've admitted this. You are packaging it up to make him look bad. He is not. He just didn't want to be with you anymore and he communicated issues previously better was no surprise. There was no blindsiding. There was no trash treating.
Please please focus on your real emotion. You are SAD. That is normal. Don't differ by feeling resentment, betrayal, anger or demonise him. All this does is delay your healing. Be honest with your emotions and work on the real emotion you feel which is sadness. You will work through that a LOT faster if you don't start trying to turn that sadness into other negative emotions.

@BintuBintu It's pretty unpleasant to have a relationship end when you thought it was all fine. You have no chance to discuss, improve, change. You're dumped and don't see it coming. Then the person doesn't care to ease you through it by telling I what went wrong

But there was no blindsiding. There was absolutely discussions. They discussed problems leading up to this. They tried to work through it. They communicated.
The OP has chosen to pretend there was no problem when in fact there was as it was clear if she was honest with herself. She even posted about the problems earlier on another thread. There was very little more the ex could have done. How are you thinking he sprung it on her when it is in black and white that he didn't ?

How much more communication was he required to do? They discussed it 2 weeks prior to Christmas. They discussed it earlier as outlined in her previous thread where she was talking about him likely breaking up with her. There was no blindsiding. Just the OP choosing to be blind

Op
for what ‘tis worth this thread has made me realise something

my on and off situationship dumped me a few months ago and I’ve been really hurting over it

im also very angry and hurt 😞
I’ve used the ending to make some horrible assumptions about men , my self
worth etc

and I’ve been having horrible intrusive thoughts about him with other women
I’ve been hating on him so hard !

but this thread is right
no one has to stay if they don’t want to

now it doesn’t change the fact that I’m sad and angry

if someone hurts you its totally ok to be angry

But treat this as a stage /phase and hold tight xx

Based on your other threads I think he's been very honest that there were issues.

All the same, that doesn't mean you can't feel hurt and upset.

Can I suggest you take some time and focus on yourself? There are some red flags in this and your previous threads (your reaction to him getting a new place for himself when you knew he wasn't ready to move in with you / his cold behaviour with the Q4 conversation) that raises questions on what you want from a relationship and what you have accepted.

Take some time and write this one off as a bad match.

But if the person wants out there is, in fact, no discussion or argument to be had? There is no room to “discuss, improve, change.” What a horrible position that puts OP in! “I don’t like your smile, the way you make me feel, your boobs, your family?” How rude and inappropriate for the ex date to ask her to change or “improve “ like the dating period was a probation period at work and he were her employer.

It must be horribly painful right now but thank goodness it's happened now when you are only 29.

He hadn't messed you around for 3/4 more years and left you heading into mid thirties. That happens so often and is devastating for many women.

You have time to find a new partner and settle down. If that's what you are looking for.

Next time be more in control of what you want. If after a year he's not interested in moving forward. Don't waste your time with him.
Date for marriage and be clear that's what you want and expect.
I wish more young women did this.

Meanwhile give yourself some time to heal from the disorientation and pain of this, it's very hard when you feel rejected.

Agree with @pikkumyy77 - sometimes there may be specific issues like finance causing problems, which doing tutorials in budgeting or whatever might fix.

But “this isn’t right for me” isn’t fixable.

If this was the other way around, everyone would be saying "you can break up with someone for any reason you want"

People have, on the whole, said that, which is refreshing.

Ah, I only read the first two pages, apologies. Makes a nice change

This happened to me at a similar time in life...he had been 'off' at Christmas I thought because he had just discovered in his late 20s he was adopted and I felt so sad for him. He had previously made a big thing about going through the process of buying a property and needed me to agree to moving in soon after we met, and we spent a lot of time choosing fixtures and fittings and I excitedly gathered my bottom drawer...only to discover he had met someone else who I unwittingly helped choose a Christmas present for! He married her...he had big problems with alcohol it turns out. it wasn't my fault but I was collateral damage and I wish I was harder and wiser at the time...I made a tit of myself in hindsight. OP move on while you can is my advice, some people can't help themselves and you can't save them x

What an original comment

I didn't realise I couldn't comment something that's said frequently.

@pikkumyy77

My opinion was literally that different people like different things so I'm not sure how you've somehow managed to disagree with me.

I quite clearly stated that some people want to know, others don't.

Some people (you won't believe this) even want to know if it hurts their feelings. Because it helps them close that chapter and move on.

We're all different.

I reckon he does like you and he has been trying to make it work, but you are right he just doesn't seem ready to settle at all.
As difficult as it is, I'd honestly respect his decision, I'd say to him I respect your choice. And I'd walk away from him. It will be hard, you will have some time where you will feel upset and an emotional mess, but you will be OK!! Hold your head up high, respect his choice and walk away quietly, don't even contact him again.

“This makes me sad” (or it just makes a poster sad)”isn’t a good enough reason for the boyfriend to enter into a negotiation or prolonged discussion about the end of the relationship. Its not a matter of opinion. Its just reality about which people can have a lot of feelings but their opinions/feelings are irrelevant.

He came to her in person to end it. If she doesn’t like how he did it that is just further proof that they were not right for each other. Its not her, in other words, its him.