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Original poster

Boyfriend dumped me out of the blue because "this relationship is not right for him"

169 replies

NCbutusualposter · 05/01/2024 16:43

Hi all, I have NCed for this post as I am concerned it could be very outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history. I am a long-term Mumsnet user and I have been active on this board for a long time.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years yesterday night told me that he didn't think we should continue dating because he isn't sure this relationship was right for him. I am floored but also angry and confused as I genuinely don't understand what he means!

I am 29 and he is 36, no kids. We talked about moving in together earlier last year but he eventually said he didn't feel ready for it, which I understood at the time given that we had been dating less than a year at that point. We had even found a flat which we were about to pay a deposit for, but he changed his mind last minute. That maybe should have been a sign that his heart wasn't into it?

Then a couple of weeks ago he mentioned looking for another place for himself as he isn't happy with his current flat. I told him that I was hurt by the fact that he was making plans without considering me, he apologized and I thought we moved past that. We had a lovely Christmas break together with my family, he was affectionate and lovely as usual. With the benefit of hindsight, we have been intimate less often in the last few months but he has never had a super high libido so I didn't find it alarming.

Then yesterday night he came home and dropped the bomb and ended the relationship just like that. I don't understand what he means by "not the right relationship for him". How can you be so affectionate, caring, and loving, and then just switch it off from one day to the next? He was so cold and rational and I was a total emotional mess.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and did it eventually work out somehow? Is there any chance he will change his mind? Could it be that he freaked out because he felt pressured by the idea of moving in together?

Thank you all for your advice

OP posts:
ChanelNo19EDT · 05/01/2024 17:38

I'd guess he is fond of you (ability to seem affectionate) but he doesn't love you enough to go all in, and at 29 and dating 1.5 years this is the decent thing to do. It's so hard at the time but I'd never settle for a man who was fond of me but no more. Xx

Fiddlerdragon · 05/01/2024 17:39

I can understand your frustration and why you feel the need to dissect the entire relationship, but you don’t need to know the reasons why op. What better reason is there that he doesn’t feel the relationship is right for him? It pretty much comes down to there was something he didn’t feel was right with you, and it might not have even been a bad thing, just bad for him. Would you like him to tell you and make you paranoid?

TedMullins · 05/01/2024 17:40

Sorry OP but he means exactly what he says - that the relationship isn’t right for him. Being dumped is horrible but he hasn’t done anything wrong except perhaps not be completely honest about why he didn’t want to move in together. The details of his decision could be anything, maybe he doesn’t fancy you any more, isn’t in love with you, wants to be single, likes you but not quite enough, can’t see himself with you for the long term, feels you have incompatibilities in views or life plans… it really isn’t worth overanalysing. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, it just means he feels you’re not who he wants as a partner any more. You’ll likely meet someone else in time whom you tick the boxes.

Mrsttcno1 · 05/01/2024 17:42

I know it hurts now OP but he has done the right thing by leaving when he realised it wasn’t right for him, rather than leading you on for another few years.

gannett · 05/01/2024 17:46

Pinkbonbon · 05/01/2024 17:22

Tbh I wouldn't be surprised if there's another woman on thr scene. I was already thinking that before you mentioned the reduction in the sex life. And the 'you're not the one for me' seems like a hint. I might be reading too much into it but...as mumsnetters often point out, unfortunately men rarely leave an ok relationship, to be single.

This shite always gets trotted out. Really hate seeing it especially on threads like this when the OP doesn't need to feel any worse. What is the point of raising this possibility here?

Men leave relationships for any number of reasons, just like women do, and there isn't usually another woman from what I've observed.

This sucks, sorry OP. Time's the only real healer. It's for the best, because ending up stagnating in a loveless relationship for years on end would actually be much worse than just getting dumped, but you don't need to feel that yet - let yourself grieve.

Don't try to make sense of it. There's no logic to whether you're feeling it or not and he did you a favour by recognising that he wasn't. It's not because of you, and don't let your self-worth take a blow here.

Wytchy · 05/01/2024 17:48

Heartbreak is the worst. And you torture yourself with the hope they'll change their mind. It's impossible not to hyper analyse everything from the past few weeks and months but in the end it's fruitless.

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/01/2024 17:49

I’m sorry op, but this was not ‘out of the blue’ for him, it’s been coming for a while. There may well be another woman in the mix (there usually is), but either way, it’s over. Take time to heal, it’s time to move on.

MistletoeandJd · 05/01/2024 17:49

You were mrs right then he bow wants to settle down with someone that's Mrs Right.

Pretty sure it hurts but he's actually been really decent here!! Take whatever lessons you can from the relationship and move on.

EllieBellieSmellie1 · 05/01/2024 17:50

I think it's a shit explanation which is incredibly vague, tells you nothing, leaves you confused and you deserve more after the time together. Walking away and saying "it wasn't right for me" at 36 having spent nearly 2 years together is rubbish. He could explain why and do you the courtesy of answering your questions. He's prioritising his feelings - the desire to avoid an awkward conversion - over yours. I also think it's a bit weird to stay with someone so long when when you obviously have doubts. He isn't 20. Saying that, you're not going to get anything from him, so do the dignified thing and try and seek closure yourself.

Neriah · 05/01/2024 17:53

He's been telling you that it's over for a very long time. You weren't listening. And he was to cowardly to be more explicit.

ChanelNo19EDT · 05/01/2024 17:55

I dont think there has to be another woman. I reckon your surprise /hurt at not being consulted about where he is going to live next has alerted him to the fact that he cannot just drift in a relationship that isn't forever.

Also, the reason he's not all in forever, don't tort yrslf. Reasons I've ended it with boyfriends have been Reasons that were impossible to verbalise. Or if I could verbalise it, the person might have debated it!!

JingleSnowmanTree · 05/01/2024 18:08

I'm sorry you're hurting, but he's been hinting at this for ages, you just didn't want to hear it.

sorry to add that it's true very very few men leave an ok relationship until there's something else on offer. Expect a new GF to be on the scene quite quickly.

im terrible for wanting to know WHY, but esentially it doesn't matter. This is how he feels, all you can do is accept it.

turning yourself inside out to be what he wants doesn't work.

its a no win situation for him, if he told you before Christmas he'd have been accused of being a shit head & spoiling your Christmas!!

out if a lifetime 18 months is a very short time.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/01/2024 18:12

EllieBellieSmellie1 · 05/01/2024 17:50

I think it's a shit explanation which is incredibly vague, tells you nothing, leaves you confused and you deserve more after the time together. Walking away and saying "it wasn't right for me" at 36 having spent nearly 2 years together is rubbish. He could explain why and do you the courtesy of answering your questions. He's prioritising his feelings - the desire to avoid an awkward conversion - over yours. I also think it's a bit weird to stay with someone so long when when you obviously have doubts. He isn't 20. Saying that, you're not going to get anything from him, so do the dignified thing and try and seek closure yourself.

No one has to justify why they want to end a relationship. "It isn't right for me" is all the reason anyone needs, and nothing he could say would make any difference to how the op is feeling.

EllieBellieSmellie1 · 05/01/2024 18:13

I really disagree about new woman. I do think he's 36 and single. What's his relationship history like? That'll tell you if he's just a commitmentphobe who freaks out at the idea of intimacy (moving in is a commitment step) or if it's potentially a new woman/ you're not right for each other. But it doesn't do to analyse. You're 29 and single. Make the most of it.

EllieBellieSmellie1 · 05/01/2024 18:15

And @aquamarine they don't have to, totally agree, but think it's a bit shit just to drop a bombshell (and it is if you've been acting happy) and then give some half-baked reason. Could elaborate on it. It is so vague, it would frustrate me. I think some people are so afraid of confrontation they forget they're causing more harm by not explaining things clearly.

pikkumyy77 · 05/01/2024 18:25

EllieBellieSmellie1 · 05/01/2024 17:50

I think it's a shit explanation which is incredibly vague, tells you nothing, leaves you confused and you deserve more after the time together. Walking away and saying "it wasn't right for me" at 36 having spent nearly 2 years together is rubbish. He could explain why and do you the courtesy of answering your questions. He's prioritising his feelings - the desire to avoid an awkward conversion - over yours. I also think it's a bit weird to stay with someone so long when when you obviously have doubts. He isn't 20. Saying that, you're not going to get anything from him, so do the dignified thing and try and seek closure yourself.

What on earth?

The reason might be that he doesn’t like her anymore? How does he “owe” her to explain in detail why he doesn’t want to continue a dating relationship? And why would his explanation—which can only boil down to “its you not me” or “its me not you” make OP feel any better? What is true is she is sad. But he doesn’t owe her any explanation or justification for not continuing the relationship.

gannett · 05/01/2024 18:27

EllieBellieSmellie1 · 05/01/2024 18:15

And @aquamarine they don't have to, totally agree, but think it's a bit shit just to drop a bombshell (and it is if you've been acting happy) and then give some half-baked reason. Could elaborate on it. It is so vague, it would frustrate me. I think some people are so afraid of confrontation they forget they're causing more harm by not explaining things clearly.

Edited

But often there's nothing to explain.

I met so many men who were good on paper in my 20s. Attractive, treated me well, decent moral values generally. Went on a few dates with some, even tried out a short relationship with one. I just wasn't feeling it. There was nothing wrong that I could actually articulate - at least not with them; if there was a consistent factor it was my own restlessness (aka commitment-phobia). "Not right for me" is about as good as my explanations got. It really wasn't about them but about the fact that I never got to the point of feeling enthusiastic about a long-term future.

EllieBellieSmellie1 · 05/01/2024 18:29

I'm not going to fight, I accept a difference of opinions, but I really think he's a 36-year-old man, who dated her a relatively long time, and does owe her more kindness. This wasn't a few online dates in your 20s. Abruptly ending a relationship with a vague reason and going cold is cruel. You deserved a better ending. And it's ok to think that. I hope you're OK.

AnneKipankitoo · 05/01/2024 18:31

Yup. It’s over.
Cry. Get drunk. Throw a few things. Nothing valuable mind.
So not worth it.
Age gives you clarity. It cuts through the crap.

Cry. Recover. Move on.

Avacardo2023 · 05/01/2024 18:31

It doesn't sound out of the blue OP, it seems like there were a few signs. Don't wait for him to change his mind and even if he does change his mind you can't take him back as you deserve someone who is completely sure of his future with you and loves you enough to make that step.

It sounds like you had a nice relationship which ended without drama and you are still only 29 so plenty of time to meet someone else and have children if that's what you want. He could have kept you hanging for years so it's great he was honest with you now.

This hurts now but you will come to realise he has done you a big favour.

AnneKipankitoo · 05/01/2024 18:34

At least he is not leading you on with false promises .

teddycoat · 05/01/2024 18:34

gannett · 05/01/2024 17:46

This shite always gets trotted out. Really hate seeing it especially on threads like this when the OP doesn't need to feel any worse. What is the point of raising this possibility here?

Men leave relationships for any number of reasons, just like women do, and there isn't usually another woman from what I've observed.

This sucks, sorry OP. Time's the only real healer. It's for the best, because ending up stagnating in a loveless relationship for years on end would actually be much worse than just getting dumped, but you don't need to feel that yet - let yourself grieve.

Don't try to make sense of it. There's no logic to whether you're feeling it or not and he did you a favour by recognising that he wasn't. It's not because of you, and don't let your self-worth take a blow here.

Show quote history

I thought the same! I’ve left quite a few relationships because they didn’t feel right and I didn’t have someone waiting in the wings. I don’t know why people always suggest this- it’s weird. He’s doing the right thing by not leading you on when he isn’t feeling it.

There isn’t always a deeper or nefarious reason fgs, sometimes you just know you aren’t feeling it. Hope you’re ok OP

Falkenburg · 05/01/2024 18:52

He's 36 and will be far more settled in his lifestyle and ways and if he doesn't want kids then there isn't really a need after only a year and a half to upset his lifestyle by moving in together.

From what you have written it does appear that you have set your sights on a long term goal of being a couple that live together and he hasn't and never has.

He's done the right thing and ended it as he could see the frustration and upset that you wanted to profess further and he didn't.

cerisepanther73 · 05/01/2024 18:58

@NCbutusualposter

You come across as quite intense at times and i sense strong neediness too

obviously everyone has needs

but it seems like you were rushing at galloping horse pace 🤔 to move in together do this and that ect,

that's how it comes across to me

Pinkbonbon · 05/01/2024 19:02

I have also left things that didn't feel right however, the fact that this guy is being really cold about it makes me suspect it could be the beginnings of 'the script'.

I agree its fine to say 'I'm just not feeling it' without any further explanation. But surely if you'd been dating someone a year and a half there would be some emotion there. Some sort of compassion for someone who should really be someone you care about, even if its not romantically anymore.

OK it might be that he just detached from her emotionally a while ago but has been holding off till after the holiday season to end things tbf. I'm just saying, don't be surprised if it's another woman.