Boyfriend dumped me out of the blue because "this relationship is not right for him"

[NCbutusualposter]

Hi all, I have NCed for this post as I am concerned it could be very outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history. I am a long-term Mumsnet user and I have been active on this board for a long time.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years yesterday night told me that he didn't think we should continue dating because he isn't sure this relationship was right for him. I am floored but also angry and confused as I genuinely don't understand what he means!

I am 29 and he is 36, no kids. We talked about moving in together earlier last year but he eventually said he didn't feel ready for it, which I understood at the time given that we had been dating less than a year at that point. We had even found a flat which we were about to pay a deposit for, but he changed his mind last minute. That maybe should have been a sign that his heart wasn't into it?

Then a couple of weeks ago he mentioned looking for another place for himself as he isn't happy with his current flat. I told him that I was hurt by the fact that he was making plans without considering me, he apologized and I thought we moved past that. We had a lovely Christmas break together with my family, he was affectionate and lovely as usual. With the benefit of hindsight, we have been intimate less often in the last few months but he has never had a super high libido so I didn't find it alarming.

Then yesterday night he came home and dropped the bomb and ended the relationship just like that. I don't understand what he means by "not the right relationship for him". How can you be so affectionate, caring, and loving, and then just switch it off from one day to the next? He was so cold and rational and I was a total emotional mess.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and did it eventually work out somehow? Is there any chance he will change his mind? Could it be that he freaked out because he felt pressured by the idea of moving in together?

Thank you all for your advice

How is discussing his reservations in the weeks and months before possible future faking? How is anything he has done not just normal relationship coming to a natural end? Starts off amazing. Fades off. Everyone tries but it is just not right. He ends it. That's it. That's what's happened. No one is the baddie here.

I also don’t think he future faked, I’m sorry. This was an 18 month relationship, at the beginning he was into her and excited to see where it went. As they got to properly know each other as time went on, he realised the relationship wasn’t what he wanted or needed, so ended it.

Huh? What are you on?

As time went on he worked out what he wanted which was different to before or maybe it was conspiracy who knows

what a very peculiar interpretation of the situation

So you were fighting in the summer which led to you breaking up with him, so it's not like it's gone from great to shit out of the blue....the writing has been on the wall for a long time. He's done you a favour

Nobody likes being dumped but really, do you want to be with someone who isn't head over heels for you? You are only 29. You are in a great position to find someone amazing for you. This is the best time to know that this isn't going to work out before you have children.

Also, if your libidos don't match then that's not great for you either, is it?

I hope you are doing okay op.

Its really crap but it’s no reflection on you and the alternative is he stays and leaves further down when you are more entrenched together.

The best thing you can do is really focus on yourself, what you love, pamper yourself in whatever way you can or enjoy.

One of my happiest times was after an awful breakup from a fiancé as I really focussed on me and grew emotionally, it was almost a gift although it did make me a bit less trusting. Which is good I suppose.

I met someone more compatible anyway a couple of years later. It works out in the end.

Sorry for typos

To the future faking. That gets thrown about a lot on here and I thought my fiancé did that but I think things happen gradually don’t they, when I was losing feelings for a partner I was still agreeing to future things although reluctantly, people don’t switch overnight, it just seems like that.

Yes, I’ve noticed that too, and some other buzz words like grey rock, love bombing etc

i tnimk it’s just confused some folks. Logically you are allowed to be excited and keen when a relationship starts and when you get to know each other realise it does not work. That’s not future faking. It’s just how many relationships progress

future faking is telling someone yes we will absolutely get married, yes we will have kids, when the person knows full well they will do neither. It’s not being eager and excited at the start of a relationship

@Janieforever yeah that’s true.

OP, I feel for you. Being dumped is painful. I don’t blame you for feeling angry. Why should anyone like or forgive someone who has hurt them?

I think you should just forget him. He wasn’t right for you. Be kind to yourself and do things you enjoy to raise your spirits again. Keep your heart open to love, but maybe learn from experience about recognising red flags if you see them.

best of luck.

Good Lord. If you hold onto anger because you are hurt by someone else doing something reasonable but that you don't like then you are storing up to be a bitter person in your old age. Why should you forgive someone? Because in this case he did nothing wrong. You have a very unreconstructed attitude to life.

I agree- he ended their relationship, yes, it hurts- noone likes being rejected and we have all been there, but holding onto unforgiveness for someone doing something perfectly reasonable is the surest way I know to misery, bitterness and self hatred. If you don't let this go you will carry this into every other relationship you go into and the effects won't be anything good.

@jiggyjiggyjig are you OK?
You quote a poster who basically advises self-compassion for the emotions being experienced ie, "processing" the emotions felt but to forget him and to look forward with hope. This advice sounds sensible and kind to me, not unconstructed or bitter. People are allowed to feel upset while as they work on accepting that they've been dumped. Knowing that the other person had the right to dumped you doesn't mean that the pain goes away instantly!

Feel what you feel @NCbutusualposter
Feel it, but dialogue yourself through it with kindness.

I feel like I've hit a milestone. I've finally got a MN favourite 'are you ok'🤣
The poster I quoted is not advocating for self compassion. They are advocating hanging on to unjustified hate. You have a very strange outlook on compassion if you think holding on to anger because you are hurt is a good plan

The only person this ends up hurting is yourself. You have to learn to let go. To deal with the emotion at the root which in this case is sadness. By diverting to anger or bitterness you end up damaging yourself. You might do well to seek some therapy or counselling to understand a bit more

Reading AIBU is like Chinese Whispers on acid! Messages get instantly distorted. ChanelNo19EDT correctly (and neatly) summarised my post as advising self-compassion, but to forget the ex and to look forward with hope.

You have transformed this into hanging on to unjustified hate.

I repeat that I would not like someone who hurt me, and would not give them any more head space. Hating takes a lot of headspace! Making efforts to feel ‘forgiveness’ is giving them headspace OP could use for happier and more constructive thoughts. I would simply try to forget them, learn and necessary lessons and move on.

I apologise @jiggyjiggyjig , the way the quoted posts now cut off the post preceding the quoted post is confusing, in my defense, your honour. 😁
I sincerely apologise. Somebody somewhere is a grudge-holding lunatic but it ain't you.

Hi everyone, thank you for your kind messages and advice. I spent the weekend with my sister and feel better about the whole thing.

I still have a lot of emotions to process but I will get there in time 💐