Boyfriend dumped me out of the blue because "this relationship is not right for him"

[NCbutusualposter]

Hi all, I have NCed for this post as I am concerned it could be very outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history. I am a long-term Mumsnet user and I have been active on this board for a long time.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years yesterday night told me that he didn't think we should continue dating because he isn't sure this relationship was right for him. I am floored but also angry and confused as I genuinely don't understand what he means!

I am 29 and he is 36, no kids. We talked about moving in together earlier last year but he eventually said he didn't feel ready for it, which I understood at the time given that we had been dating less than a year at that point. We had even found a flat which we were about to pay a deposit for, but he changed his mind last minute. That maybe should have been a sign that his heart wasn't into it?

Then a couple of weeks ago he mentioned looking for another place for himself as he isn't happy with his current flat. I told him that I was hurt by the fact that he was making plans without considering me, he apologized and I thought we moved past that. We had a lovely Christmas break together with my family, he was affectionate and lovely as usual. With the benefit of hindsight, we have been intimate less often in the last few months but he has never had a super high libido so I didn't find it alarming.

Then yesterday night he came home and dropped the bomb and ended the relationship just like that. I don't understand what he means by "not the right relationship for him". How can you be so affectionate, caring, and loving, and then just switch it off from one day to the next? He was so cold and rational and I was a total emotional mess.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and did it eventually work out somehow? Is there any chance he will change his mind? Could it be that he freaked out because he felt pressured by the idea of moving in together?

Thank you all for your advice

He sounds like an utter twat and you've dodged a bullet it seems. You don't want him back. He'll just do it again. You deserve better. I won't minimise how painful it is though. I do understand that

I think he did the right thing for him… and you. There were numerous red flags, none of which you picked up on. He probably didn’t want to ruin your Christmas by telling you then which I think is kind. He came round in person and explained that this was not the right relationship for him. He wasn’t mean about it, he just ended it which he has every right to do.
That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, of course it does but that’s life. He didn’t want to waste your time or his any longer or give you false hope. He did nothing wrong except be honest.

Wrong man wrong time, right man wrong time, wrong time right man, wrong man right time for you? It will more likely end in more tears the longer you dwell on it in all honesty you can't overcome stuff if the other person is unwilling or unable to change, you need to find someone who you properly compatible with, not someone who will tell you what they don't like about you to make you feel 'better'? it's hard but you have to move on believing there are better things ahead x

I sort of think it doesn't matter why. If he dumped you because he doesn't like your eyebrows, who cares? He is allowed to leave a relationship for any reason and it's not a good idea to try to change something unnaturally to persuade him to stay. If he thinks it's worth ending the relationship over either he isnt very invested or it's a big enough deal in his mind.

OK, I read the original post. I'm sorry you're sad but he was punching. QUARTER FOUR. I couldn't deal with it. Anyone who said that in a relationship would leave me stunned. WTF. I think you'll look back and realise you're wildly incompatible.

Get back on that horse, don't look back and don't blame yourself, the person who deserves you loves you just the way you are...and it goes both ways ;))

I agree. Someone once said to me “breaking up isn’t a democracy!” He was dumping me, I was devastated and trying to persuade him out of it. It really hurt at the time but he was 100% right. It isn’t a democracy. The person who wants to break up has made that decision and no amount of talking will change that if they fundamentally just don’t want to be in the relationship anymore. Of course issues in general should be discussed, I’m not saying that dumping should always be the solution, but it doesn’t sound like it came out the blue, he was dropping big hints of being unsure for a while. And the Q4 thing? What a pompous twat. I couldn’t take anyone seriously who said that!

You've never ended a relationship because it wasn't right for you then?

Honestly, not at 36 and after a year and a half, no. Maybe at 20 when I was pissing about or after a few dates. But irrelevant! Let's move on. You've dodged a bullet. Start Q1 afresh.

I agree with this ^ it was my first thought as well.
I think you have to strongly consider this possibility so not to make yourself look stupid.

I agree with this ^ it was my first thought as well. I think you have to strongly consider this possibility so not to make yourself look stupid

(1) ugh as this is not necessarily true and will make op feel worse

(2) how the actual fuck will she look stupid ?
its over and she’s said herself she has blocked

all she needs to do is heal and move forward

so where is the stupidity? Please elaborate

So…what would happen if you did start dating someone at 36 and really liked them at the start then found that a year and a half in that had faded and you didn’t want to be with them anymore? There’s no age limit on falling out of love with someone

@TedMullins hi, apropos of certain circumstances (e.g. cheating) I don't think that would happen. It isn't my character, I don't need that long to get past the honeymoon stage and fully invest, and I find it really interesting people do feel like that. I don't let doubts overwhelm me or if they hit I discuss them verbally. I also find it interesting people think his mixed messages were fine - I think they were confusing. I also think he was cold, others don't. But that's fine. Both views are fine. It's good really because the OP will find someone who is more similar to her and other people find people who meet their needs better. It's just interesting to observe. X

You're not the poster that was pushing for a baby are you?

Like others have said I think its been brewing for a long time. Sad and shitty just after Xmas, but you just need to try and move on.

you can’t possibly guarantee that you won’t stop fancying or simply just go off someone though. It doesn’t mean they have to have done something wrong or have anything wrong with them. Sometimes feelings just change, that isn’t something we have control over. It could be a perfect relationship
on paper but if the connection isn’t there any more it would be miserable to stay in it. I don’t think any amount of talking can bring the spark back if it dies so what’s the point? I don’t think he gave mixed messages either, he was very clear about having doubts, not wanting to move in etc, sounds like they almost broke up before, but OP deluded herself that everything was fine.

@TedMullins maybe you can't, but some other people can generally move to a happy attachment. I know. I have. For me it isn't about a 'spark'. It's about care, a future, companionship, being there for one another, friendship, emotionally intimacy. I'm not chasing a spark.

Whether you call it a spark or anything else people can lose it even if they think they gave a secure attachment as the person you are involved with can change, or your needs can change, or circumstances can put more stress on the relationship than it can withstand.

This really isn’t the “maturity olympics” in which posters get to amass points for being more mature (less spark oriented) than other posters, having a more successful love life, or anything else. Everyone can break up. Everyone can be dumped. Plans and experiences can change, and we change too, will we nill we.

Do what again? Date someone for 18 months and then have doubts, try and work it out and finally realise they are not the one? Yeah you do know this is normal don't you? Most people don't settle down with the first person they date.

Breaking up with someone after 18 months is weird to you? Really? I find that weird. You do realise people break up after 2 years...5 years....8 years.... 24 years.... it's called divorce and I hate to break it to you but it happens ....shhhhh.... a
lot.

It sounds like he's been having second thoughts for a while. It also doesn't sound like he was brutal, though I can appreciate you feel like that!

Take some time to grieve and calm down.

It just came to a natural end.
You have to respect it wasn't right for him, hard as it is.
There are never any guarantees with relationships, it can happen at any stage.

@GreyCarpet yes of course I have but I haven't future faked or love bombed anybody. It's a horrible thing to do.

@squigglygiggly Fucksake, I'm not saying he can't end it, that's fine but he's future faked and strung OP along. As I said, she's dodged a bullet, deserves better and has to just get on.

I don’t see how he faked anything. Sounds like he WAS into it at the start and but realised after decent length of time that it wasn’t right. Once his doubts set in he didn’t fake anything, he changed his mind about moving in together and said so. People’s feelings change, that doesn’t make it intentional or malicious. Future faking or love bombing to me would be someone being super intense very quickly then doing a 360 and denying they wanted those things after a much shorter time than a year. This just sounds like a relationship that for whatever reason, he was into then fell out of love.

Op, I feel you are getting a bit of a hard time on this thread. At the end of the day, only you really know the complete history and how you feel. No one can tell you how you feel and it's totally okay to be upset about this. Grieve if you need to but don't spend too much time thinking about what happened as it's highly likely that you will never work out what happened here.

This experience has proved that he wasn't who you thought he was, His behaviour hasn't met with your expectations. That's actually a good thing. You've let him go and created a space for the right person to show up. Stay strong.