Boyfriend dumped me out of the blue because "this relationship is not right for him"

[NCbutusualposter]

Hi all, I have NCed for this post as I am concerned it could be very outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history. I am a long-term Mumsnet user and I have been active on this board for a long time.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years yesterday night told me that he didn't think we should continue dating because he isn't sure this relationship was right for him. I am floored but also angry and confused as I genuinely don't understand what he means!

I am 29 and he is 36, no kids. We talked about moving in together earlier last year but he eventually said he didn't feel ready for it, which I understood at the time given that we had been dating less than a year at that point. We had even found a flat which we were about to pay a deposit for, but he changed his mind last minute. That maybe should have been a sign that his heart wasn't into it?

Then a couple of weeks ago he mentioned looking for another place for himself as he isn't happy with his current flat. I told him that I was hurt by the fact that he was making plans without considering me, he apologized and I thought we moved past that. We had a lovely Christmas break together with my family, he was affectionate and lovely as usual. With the benefit of hindsight, we have been intimate less often in the last few months but he has never had a super high libido so I didn't find it alarming.

Then yesterday night he came home and dropped the bomb and ended the relationship just like that. I don't understand what he means by "not the right relationship for him". How can you be so affectionate, caring, and loving, and then just switch it off from one day to the next? He was so cold and rational and I was a total emotional mess.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and did it eventually work out somehow? Is there any chance he will change his mind? Could it be that he freaked out because he felt pressured by the idea of moving in together?

Thank you all for your advice

Crazy people demonising him saying he's chickenshit, has another woman, blah blah. People realise they are not happy in a relationship. They like their partner. They have some love for them but they know the person is not their forever person. A year and a half is a very typical timeframe to feel this. The honeymoon period is over. The realisation slowly dawning that they aren't feeling the way they should with a life partner. NO ONE IS THE BADDIE. There doesn't have to be a victim and a bad guy. He's done the right thing. Breaking up just before Christmas could seem callous. Event probably trying to do it the best way and he probably had real feelings for the OP but not enough of the right feelings.

Better to just accept this is over.

It wasn’t a complete shock. He’s made moves for space.

IMHO I think he’s either met someone who he’s connected with that’s made him question your relationship, or he was questioning it anyway but had not made the decision until now. Spending a lot of time together over Christmas could have highlighted to him that he wants different things.

Either way he has done the right thing by ending it even though you are hurt. The truth is if he wasn’t feeling it you can’t force that, so he’s done the honourable thing and let you go rather than stringing you along and future faking. If you see children in your future, then it’s not with him and so he’s done you a service by not wasting any more time.

It isn't necessarily cowardly to end a relationship after Christmas or another big event. Those sort of events make you look around and think "do I want to keep doing this with these people forever?" It can often serve as the final, "nope, this person and life isn't what I want".

OP you don't want him back, move on.

I'm not crazy but thanks for quoting me without notifying me.

I stand by my statement and I think the honest thing would be to end a relationship when you feel it's over, as he demonstrated when he refused to get a flat with her. Not to dither about it and wait until Christmas was over, sending mixed messages etc. I don't think it was an honourable or brave choice to wait. Yes, I agree, he did the right thing by doing it face to face, etc. But he still clearly waited until after the holidays to do it, and for what purpose? It's a bit pathetic.

Something similar happened to me at your age, my boyfriend was 7 years older as well. I was heartbroken at the time, it took at least 6 months to get over it, but now I look back and feel so grateful that it happened- we weren’t really suited and I met my now DH a little while later.

I was your ex-BF a few years ago…. Been together with a chap for a year, we’d talked about a serious future etc…. At the year mark my feelings had really changed….no-one’s fault, I just had started to see some incompatibility & fell out of love.

I ended things in the way your ex has done. As was my right. Sadly, he was as quietly outraged as you, and would not accept it. He’s kept contacting me for four years “wanting answers”…. And each time I tell him
there are no hidden secrets, no “real” answers…. I just no longer wanted to be in that relationship with him. I’ve had to tell him: “things change, people change, relationships end” . It has driven me crazy that he doesn’t see that as a good enough explanation.

Everyone has a right to end a relationship.

It's shit and it hurts bit that doesn't mean that there's a bad guy or anyone has done anything wrong. Couples don't work for all sorts of big and small reasons. In years to come you'll be grateful that it ended now before more damage done with shared property or children.

He was thinking about it for quite a while before he told you. Sorry, OP.

It's true that in a marriage there is often someone else but that is because people are reluctant to leave a long term relationship when there are shared assets, children and enmeshed lives. The upheaval is huge.

This doesn't apply to someone you've been dating for 18 months!

As others have said, it's quite possible to realise you've fallen out of love, this person isn't right for you or you just prefer/want to be single.

No one owes anyone an explanation. He's been honest and transparent that he isn't feeling it anymore and he doesn't meed to give any more than that. As a pp said, sometimes there isn't any one big major reason just lots of little things that are hard to articulate.

There are always threads on here on the run up to christmas (and this year was no exception) where posters ask if they should end it before or after Christmas.

The responses are usually pretty evenly split between those saying it's kinder to do it before and those saying it's kinder to do it afterwards. Neither is right or wrong.

Sorry OP, but he's not in love with you. He might be very fond of you, might think your company is pleasant, but not enough to live with you and make this type of commitment.

I think it's best that this has happened now, as some men lead on women for years into their 30s before finally leaving them at the point the woman might be too old to have children.

This has happened to me twice actually, it didn't work out either time and it was absolutely the right decision. Though it didn't feel like it at the time.

First time was yonks ago - when my bf of 2 years broke up with out of the blue saying he didn't feel about me the way he should at this stage. That he cared greatly about me, but something felt missing. I was devastated at the time, and took a while to to get over it. But I moved on and met my now exH, and immediately realised that he had done the kindest thing by not stringing me along. The woman he met after me and married is a completely different personality to me, so I get why he didn't feel that way about me.

The next time was more recent, where a guy who seemed madly in love with me for a year dumped me out of the blue after a tiny argument. Then cut me out of his life completely which wasn't a complete surprise as i knew he'd done similar to his ex. This time I didn't take it personally but it still sucked. And met my now fiance a few months later who I've never had to worry will dump me over an argument.

Moral of the story is: you don't want him back and this is a blessing. I can guarantee its nothing you've said or done and just a case of you not being the right person for him. He did the classic thing of not wanting to ruin your xmas, or maybe xmas made him realise he didn't have the right feelings. It will hurt because he'd had ages to come to terms with it, you haven't. Cut all contact with him, remove him from all social media - I would even block him so you don't get stuck in a back and forth every time he's bored or lonely. You'll wake up one day and not even think about him!

Some people seem determined to paint the person who breaks things off as a bad person and the person 'dumped' as a victim. People need to grow up

I think it's OK to offer support to someone who's hurting, don't you?

I've been your ex-DP. Presumably Christmas confirmed to him that he couldn't see a future with you. That is OK, very painful yes for you, but OK. He hasn't strung it out for 10 years until you are too old to have a child and then run off with someone else. He hasn't had multiple affairs behind your back whilst promising the world to you. I hope once the shock wears off you can be kind to yourself and see that he has done the right thing and you can, eventually, move on.

Sounds like he cared enough about your feelings to have a nice Christmas, and then has been honest that he doesn't want to make the relationship more serious.

I think it's more what @BibbityBobbety said. That you can end things kindly. I've been broken up with more than once, but only one really really still stings - because it was abrupt, compassionless and cold. It stays with you.

You are only 29. You are so so so young you have years and years left to meet someone and have kids if that's what you want. I promise you'll look back on this and realize why it wasn't right and this man wouldn't have made you happy.
I advise - keep a diary of your feelings. Focus on yourself and how you feel and what you've learned you want and don't want. Make some goals for yourself in terms of self development or health and start working on them. Have fun. This will help you heal and realize that the world is so much bigger than this one guy. Don't cyber stalk him.

How many women on this site waited until after the holidays to make their break? There are as many reasons to delay out of humanity or compassion as there are out of cowardice. Not embarrassing the soon to be X in front if family and friends. Not leaving your soon to be partner alone in a key holiday. Not being sure about the decision?

At any rate the issue isn’t was he wrong or right, or was he bad or good. He ended a relationship as he had every right to do. He is a person who ended a relationship too soon for OP’s taste. Does it do her any good getting over her heartbreak to trash him?

I think its weird to be so fixated on meting out internet boo’s or applause to a stranger’s behavior.

This!

The Relationships forum is full of posters and threads reassuring women they don't owe anyone a relationship and that they can end a relationship at any time for any reason and without explanation.

I think some people forget that this applies to men too.

I agree with this.

@AuntieStella do you have the link to it?

Couldn't agree more. He's not an asshole for getting out of a situation he no longer wants to be in.

@squigglygiggly · Today 19:48

Some people seem determined to paint the person who breaks things off as a bad person and the person 'dumped' as a victim. People need to grow up

I wish I'd understood this when I was younger. I stayed with one person far too long, had pity shags with another that led to pregnancy and miscarriage, stayed in a lousy early marriage and met one guy every Sunday evening for six months all because I couldn't justify being a bitch to them.

Then a couple of weeks ago he mentioned looking for another place for himself as he isn't happy with his current flat. I told him that I was hurt by the fact that he was making plans without considering me, he apologized and I thought we moved past that.

I would hazard a guess that he had no intention of living with you any time in the future and your comments focused his mind.

If he's not ready after 18 months then he's probably not worth hanging around for. It's upsetting but the best thing you can do is accept his decision and get on with your own life. Cut all ties. Don't meet up with him and wonder what if. Get on with your life.

This happened to me many years ago. I'm older than you and didn't have the benefit of MN wisdom. I wasted time because I struggled to accept the decision. In hindsight, it wasn't a very good relationship and I was much better off without him!