Boyfriend dumped me out of the blue because "this relationship is not right for him"

[NCbutusualposter]

Hi all, I have NCed for this post as I am concerned it could be very outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history. I am a long-term Mumsnet user and I have been active on this board for a long time.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years yesterday night told me that he didn't think we should continue dating because he isn't sure this relationship was right for him. I am floored but also angry and confused as I genuinely don't understand what he means!

I am 29 and he is 36, no kids. We talked about moving in together earlier last year but he eventually said he didn't feel ready for it, which I understood at the time given that we had been dating less than a year at that point. We had even found a flat which we were about to pay a deposit for, but he changed his mind last minute. That maybe should have been a sign that his heart wasn't into it?

Then a couple of weeks ago he mentioned looking for another place for himself as he isn't happy with his current flat. I told him that I was hurt by the fact that he was making plans without considering me, he apologized and I thought we moved past that. We had a lovely Christmas break together with my family, he was affectionate and lovely as usual. With the benefit of hindsight, we have been intimate less often in the last few months but he has never had a super high libido so I didn't find it alarming.

Then yesterday night he came home and dropped the bomb and ended the relationship just like that. I don't understand what he means by "not the right relationship for him". How can you be so affectionate, caring, and loving, and then just switch it off from one day to the next? He was so cold and rational and I was a total emotional mess.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and did it eventually work out somehow? Is there any chance he will change his mind? Could it be that he freaked out because he felt pressured by the idea of moving in together?

Thank you all for your advice

Not necessarily cowardly. People take time to arrive at important decisions.

Another way to look at the situation she describes is that he discovered he was happier living apart. Perhaps he could have continued the relationship as it was, very happily , from separate flats just dating exclusively . But OP couldn’t tolerate that and made a fuss. She was hurt and resentful that he wanted to get his own flat and she complained.

She had every right to want a relationship that progressed from dating to living together to kids etc…but he seems to have decided he wanted a less intense, less formal, relationship. He wanted to keep his independence.

Sure, formally, he is the one who ended the relationship but OP, quite rightly, let him know that she wasn’t happy with the relationship stalling out at the dating-but-not-living-together stage.

I don’t think all the mumsnet sherlocks need to assume that he never intended to keep on in the relationship with her. I think he did but her response to his decision to live separately let him know that he couldn’t really keep her if he didn’t make more of a commitment than he wanted.

OP found him too cold and rational during the exit session but I think they had already had several conversations about the future which indicated to him that she wasn’t going to accept staying at the status quo.

I kind of respect him for not trying to argue her around. They wanted different things. There wasn’t a halfway point.

I’m also unsure why you’re so confused. I am sorry, is this your first relationship or the first one you didn’t end?

he’s not feeling it any more, so he wants out, he tried through the holiday period, but it was already not something he wanted. It doesn’t work for him, he told you the latter.

I know it hurts, but you really do need to try to accept it, he just wasn’t feeling it as you were.

It sounds like he maybe doesn't want to settle down. Ever. And it was getting too serious for him.

I agree with PP that there was a lot of warning signs in your OP.

Take this from it. He was open and honest & had the courage to end it in person. As shit as it is. At least he wasn't cowardly.

He has definitely done you a huge favour.

You haven't committed to moving into a place where it's half hearted & you can find the right person for you!

Disagree!
When people are forced into giving explanations they quite rightly lie to be kind.
Imagine hearing the truth:
The sex is just a bit shit really, you don't seem to have any good moves compared to me ex.
Your voice really annoys me.
Having got to know you better, I don't actually like your values or what you stand for much, you're often a bit of a dick.
I find others more physically attractive.
You're just a bit boring.
You're a bit thick which at first I thought was funny but not any more, I'm often embarrassed for you.
You're ok but I just feel if I stay with you I'm settling, I reckon I can just do better than you.
Being single will be a better life than being with you, I'm happy to go on my own for a bit.
Etc etc.

When one party says it's over, if the other has an ounce of dignity and self respect the reply is thank you for sharing how you feel, goodbye.

Hi OP. I'm on the other end of the ended a relationship suddenly 5 days ago because it just wasn't working for me. I loved my partner deeply, but there was underlying issues (lack of sexual connection) and I had been toying with the idea on and off for a good year and tried to work through it (with speaking to ex DP) but nothing changed. All of a sudden I just had this urge to end it. Sometimes it just work out, my ex DP is devastated and it usually isn't anything to do with the person themselves, just we've got to a point where is simply isn't sufficient to carry on. It's hard for both parties. In no way am I feel good about it. It's devastating for us both.

Please do not best yourself up over it.

My typos are awful! Sorry

OP did you post a few months ago :

"Boyfriend asked me to make a decision on our relationship "before Q4"

OP, it’s natural to be hurt, but you have to respect his “no”. Asking for more reasons won’t change that. You might not like what he would say, anyway.

Head up, grieve the relationship and move on with dignity.

I’m sorry OP
broken hearts hurt
endings hurt

look after yourself , no contact really helps
be kind to yourself x

He’s been backing away from you for a while by the sound of things but you haven’t picked up on the hints and now you’re acting as though him ending it is a complete bombshell. He’s dropped hints for some time which you’ve chosen to ignore. I don’t think any relationship ends completely out of the blue, there will have been signs for a while.

Hi all,

Thank you for your kind replies. I rationally know that anyone has a right to leave any relationship when they want to, but emotionally I feel really angry and hurt.

When we met he was super keen and initially he was the one chasing me. For the first few months of our relationship, I wasn't super sure and he romanced me, courted me, and covered me with compliments and attentions. I feel like he love-bombed and manipulated me into falling in love with him, and as soon as I was properly hooked in he lost interest, and now he has dumped me like a piece of trash with no second thought.

Sure, he has a right to leave the relationship but this doesn't make his overall behavior honorable does it?

I appreciate my feelings might be clouding my thoughts, but that is how I feel right now. I have blocked him everywhere because I never want to hear from him ever again.

Yes, that was me, again NCed because I am paranoid about being identified by someone who knows me in real life.

I should have seen it coming back then, shouldn't I? Instead we reconciled, he said a lot of nice things and then dumped me brutally a few months later.

This is all very familiar and I can remember how much it hurt. All I can say (20 years down the road!) is that I look back and thank my lucky stars I didn't end up married to him. You'll feel the same way one day - trust me.

You deserve someone who is definite about you and your relationship and isn’t prone to cold feet. Throw him back into the pond. You are young and you can do better.

I don’t think he’s been brutal. He has told you in person and been honest. There are many ways he could have been unkind and lazy or spineless about telling you it was over.

but I understand you are hurting. I’m not sure framing him as the bad guy will help you move forwards with honesty.

Things will hurt then feel better. See friends and plan trips etc. Keeping busy helps. The right person is out there for you.

I agree he's not been brutal, nor has he manipulated you into falling in love. I'm sorry you're upset and that your relationship has ended..if you had started to go off him, you'd have been doing nothing wrong, and everything right to end it...

Read He's just not that into you, it sorted me out in my mid 20s. Someone who doesn't feel like you do isn't good enough for you and you don't want them anyway!!

Cmon now. You know how relationships work. Someone can be excited at the beginning and find later it doesn’t work. That’s normal you know this. Being excited and interested in someone at the beginning doesn’t mean you need to stay with them forever. If it did, divorce wouldn’t be a thing.

he doesn’t wish to stay in the relationship. I understand it hurts. But he’s done nothing wrong you aren’t entitled to be with him.

drink some wine, go shopping, sing all by myself at the top of your lungs, have a girls night out, but accept he wasn’t feeling it any more, and has done nothing wrong.

^this

what should he have done?

You are absolutely right @NCbutusualposter that he doesn’t get away with being an asshole either.

There is a rational side and an emotional side to a break down of a relationship and often it takes the emotional side a long time to catch up. So much hits. We take rejection badly, I’ve yet to meet a person who takes it in their stride. We feel there is something “wrong” with us and we try to protect ourselves from those feelings. While yes there are lessons to learn and stuff we may need to address in ourselves relationships usually break down because of incompatibility. That incompatibility can relate to both sides and usually does. Yeah maybe in time you can look for what that incompatibility might be and see if there are things you want to address on your side but first you have to do some emotional first aid and care for yourself properly in the early stages. You will get over him. It sounds like from your side he was inconsistent and inauthentic, that isn’t good news for any relationship.

This!

I don't recall your other thread in detail but it sounds to me like you maybe ignored the warning signs, lacked boundaries and forged on ahead with your fingers in your ears la la la-ing, and hoping for the best.

He uasnt dumped you 'brutally' he's just ended a relationship that he didn't want to be in anymore. That is it.

Your desperate to see him as being in the wrong and yourself as a victim of his appalling behaviour. But neither of those things is true.

Making him the 'bad guy' is pointless and inaccurate. What was he supposed to do? Drag it out until you were 35 and in the years of declining fertility? Stay with you forever regardless of how he felt?

Really, what do you think he should have done differently?

I disagree with this, often an occasion can be the prompt/experience that makes someone realise the situation isn't right. Or it can be that you're so focused on preparing for an occasion that it's only after when you have a moment free to reflect that you realise it isn't working.

From this it looks like you are trying to find reasons to hate him.
That is not a good look.
From your first post you have been pushing to go to the next level for some time and he has been trying to slow it all down.
IMO it sounds like you have both been lucky that he had the ability to call it all off before he and you were stuck in a relationship, with a joint home making it even more difficult to break away from each other.

Anything other than abruptly in this case will just cause the OP more pain and confusion.

i don’t think this was abruptly as all.

He had been giving very clear signs for a long time.

Over christmas… for a very short period of time whilst visiting her family he was affectionate so as not cause drama at a family gathering

i think he’s been as kind as possible really