Well that can only mean one thing, can't it

[furbys]

Married, two kids, still on maternity leave with the second. I thought we were good.

On Sunday I saw a WhatsApp message on my husbands phone, number saved as a boys name, picture very much a woman, no previous texts just one message from my husband saying "Furbys will be in with the baby asleep by 9.30. Don't text before then. I promise I'll phone tonight xxx"

Total fluke that I saw it, the baby had grabbed his phone when he was on his play mat and it was open on that message. I somehow instantly knew exactly what I'd just read and clicked off when I heard my husband coming back into the room. He snatched it off the mat so quickly. I didn't have a chance to check his phone again for days as he hasn't had it out his sight but he did today and I checked and the message isn't there now.

Well thats fucking that then isn't it? I've said nothing, to be honest I'm trying to not even think about it, but I know what I've found

Is there any way you can get a friend to follow him and spy on him?Take photo's of him and OW.

Crikey, how many posters are going to trot out the ducks in a row cliché? What does it even mean?

OP literally just saw a message, she is hardly ready to separate bank accounts/engage a solicitor etc.

Start sorting your things out to separate so that when he tries to gaslight you, you're already sorted out.

You don't have to do anything right now. You can decide when and how you want to deal with this. You have that power and control.

You have a baby and, I assume, toddler. What help and support do you have? How much longer do you have on maternity leave? How are you fixed financially?

HOW TO CATCH HIM!!! He’s going to deny this. What you can do is get the WhatsApp on another device (ipad) using his number but you will need his phone to verify his phone number. Then you will see every message that comes through.
I would lock yourself in the toilet and set it up, if he knocks for his phone say “ooooh yea it’s here darling, be out in a minute “
make sure you delete the text to verify his number.
Then sit back and screen shot alll that evidence for back up. He will deny deny deny!!
what a arse hole, if you can put location on Google maps share it with your gmail email. Then also watch when he visits her, then you can drive over and give them a surprise visit.

Sounds crazy I KNOW!! but I was driven to it after spending months convinced, crying being lied to I decided to become detective and I found out so much more then I bargained for xxx 😘

Awww what an arsehole.
hope you are ok…you must be in shock. I don’t know how you held it in.

What would that achieve? OP knows he's having some sort of affair - it's really know whether they separate or try to work through it

It is because they are not necessarily unhappy. They want excitement of new sex but still want the loyal wife and cute kids.

Fucking cheating prick. OP, I'm sorry to say but you'll need an STI check too. DOn't make the mistake of needing more evidence though - I waited years, and in hindsight I should've done something the moment I suspected. I'm so sorry x

Op is obviously in shock. Having two young children and having her husband behave in such a manner
I wouldn’t even bother to get proof or get involved in a slanging match.
I would say something such as
“ I am off to bed now that it is 9:30pm. So that gives you time to talk to your lady ‘friend’ I would then pick up the baby go to bed and not say a word.

He thinks he’s so clever to secretly keep OW hidden under a male name. He pretended to be off with you when you went to bed early, but his real agenda was pleasing OW and calling her after you left. He was making a mockery of you by telling her that you’d be out of the way by 9:30.

@furbys, you have given birth to this man’s children, one fairly recently, and are worn down to a nub from juggling everything and sleep deprivation. Where is his support, cherishment, and deep appreciation for you? How dare he invest elsewhere and treat you and the children with utter disrespect and callous disregard.

You feel sure that he will gaslight you when you confront him, which suggests a history of controlling and manipulative behavior. He’s a shit husband and shit father, and you all deserve better than his devaluation and contempt.

Argh the classic woman under man’s name. So utterly revolting. And affair while there are young children, he really is a prince!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I agree he’s unlikely to ‘fess up and more likely to gaslight and manipulate. My personality means I’d probably address this face on and let him know you’ve seen that message and you know what’s going on, no wiggle room. It’ll all unravel from there. But only when you are ready.

Meanwhile I’d seek legal advice, get an STI check and mentally prepare yourself to leave, google surviving infidelity and their 180 to help you gain distance.

Imho knowledge is power so get a copy of leave a cheat gain a life, sums up cheats beautifully and stops you blaming the marriage or unmet needs bs. Surviving Infidelity is a fantastic website.

You don’t have to make any decisions yet, but you do need to strengthen your position for every eventuality and you need to do that while he’s not in attack or defend mode as he will VERY difficult to manage when it’s all unravelled.

Again I’ve been there. My heart breaks for you. It’s a horrendous thing to go through, be gentle on yourself. Trauma is real from this so please seek help if you need it.

What an arsehole!

I'm really sorry for your pain and shock.

I'm sorry OP. I don't get how they can be such cowards (well, I can, but only if I assume that they're also stone cold manipulators)

I didn't feel I had enough evidence for about a year, when the evidence came that I couldn't ignore. Over that year I did some mad stuff (and so did he, I was so naive - cock shots shared on the family photos for Gods sake, that I let him explain away!). I had his search history (we'd always shared passwords, so his google account was signed in my computer), I had some location data from google maps etc. but it was all circumstantial. I don't recommend listening in. I did that from a webcam after the split, and it was even more heartbreaking hearing him from the spare room (yes, I was a pushover with that too) talking about how he thought he'd have something with her - I was pointlessly cruel to myself by listening in.

My recommendation is to just make sure you have passwords for everything you might need (tax returns, bank accounts etc) and to withdraw some cash each week so you have a little stash somewhere hidden where he won't find it. I wish I'd done that earlier. You may never need it, but it's comforting knowing that if you need to, you can pick up the kids and leave and it'll be OK for a few days.

So sad for you. You deserve better. Hope you have the strength to go and do what you know should be done and that you have a lot of support around you.

This happened to me. Cheats are just shit.

I see that he’s always talked a good game of putting down cheaters who don’t just end their relationships. When faced with temptation himself, though, he just had to keep both adoring women in his ego validation triangle. His gratification via his double life takes precedence over honesty, faithfulness, fairness and integrity. He’s made sure to keep you blind to his non-monogamy, while OW clearly knows more about your marriage than you do.

He has become ‘that guy,’ the entitled, self-serving, hypocritical cheat.

Hello, sorry you are going through this, agreed, men are just utter dicks (and only think with that!). Was it a text message on an iPhone? If so, click on the message button, top left click the edit option, then select recently deleted and then restore. That will bring up any messages deleted within the last 30 days. Take a photo of the message as evidence. Caught my nob-end of a husband out this way too. Men are just gross. Sending love and hugs, you can do this, your babies will get you through xx

Do it once they will do it again! They just get better at hiding it!

Oh goodness me I’m so sorry. What a shock.

For what it’s worth there are two things you should do right now.

1. Self Care
2. Don’t rush into anything

That doesn’t mean you don’t need to plan or think things through but you have to think about your financial and physical well-being and the children.

Let him crack on. And you do as well. If it’s over for you and you’re done don’t waste time and energy playing Miss Marple if what you have read is a deal breaker.

I would be try and give yourself time to plan.
I mean whatever decision you make you are a new person now because of what you have discovered:

You decide about you and the future now going forward even if you decide to do nothing just yet.

I was pregnant when this happened 14 years ago.

I moved out and I can tell you that our lives have been a lot more peaceful without a lying arsehole in it.

Legal advice, get some real life support, tell a friend or family member you trust what is going on.

Hm, I'd be tempted to explain you are exhausted and book yourself a hotel, leaving him to do some night shifts with the baby. Come back and explain you felt he needed some practise for when it's his turn to have the children, post divorce.

Christ OP, I'm sorry. It's a shit thing anyway but while you've got two small children including a baby...that's a weapon level arsehole.

Prioritise yourself and the children and leave him to it. Don't worry about his needs or his feelings, they're not your problem and he's clearly fine to look after himself. I wish you all the best.

I'm just amazed about how many couples here don't even seem to communicate with each other.
Wouldn't the normal first reaction be "Hey - I just saw this really weird message when baby bashed your phone: what's that all about?!"

Do you think he'll be honest?

Don’t let him off the hook for childcare. If you’re so knackered you can’t think straight, leave him at home with the kids for a couple of days.

Fine to kick him out but don’t fall into the trap of doing all of the childcare because your kids’ father is a waste of oxygen.