Well that can only mean one thing, can't it

[furbys]

Married, two kids, still on maternity leave with the second. I thought we were good.

On Sunday I saw a WhatsApp message on my husbands phone, number saved as a boys name, picture very much a woman, no previous texts just one message from my husband saying "Furbys will be in with the baby asleep by 9.30. Don't text before then. I promise I'll phone tonight xxx"

Total fluke that I saw it, the baby had grabbed his phone when he was on his play mat and it was open on that message. I somehow instantly knew exactly what I'd just read and clicked off when I heard my husband coming back into the room. He snatched it off the mat so quickly. I didn't have a chance to check his phone again for days as he hasn't had it out his sight but he did today and I checked and the message isn't there now.

Well thats fucking that then isn't it? I've said nothing, to be honest I'm trying to not even think about it, but I know what I've found

He thinks you saw more than you did. It’s also highly likely he’s gone to hers. I hope you’re ok. Good on you for facing it head on.

Yes, exactly. What a cunt he is. Good riddance.

You have handled this like a boss. Congratulations for losing him, it may not feel like it right now, but you will look back on this in years to come and be so glad you did. He’s an absolute prick.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

why do they always double down like this, and make it into a zero sum game fight? What a twat! Your response is perfect btw- if more people were as sane as you, there would be a lot less damage to kids during divorce.

He’d never get full custody- even people who’ve been in jail for crimes against children still get access ( there’s no such thing as ‘custody’ ) to their kids. The irony is, give it a few years and you’ll struggle to get him to do half the childcare ( I note that it’s you who is exhausted caring for children- if he was parenting, he’d be too tired to screw anyone!)

He also won’t get the house. That’s not how it works.

At least now you know who he is, you can start building a better life for yourself

@furbys hope you're OK. The shock is probably hitting you, so take care of yourself and make sure you're eating and drinking , even though you won't feel like it. Especially remember to drink water, etc, to stay hydrated.

You can take all the time you need to make decisions, just be prepared for him to try to screw you over.
Make sure you get advice from a good lawyer...preferably someone who's been recommended. You don't have to act on it immediately, but knowing where you stand and next steps may help you process what's going on.

So sorry, and good luck 💐🙏🏼

I'm in awe at how you've handled things thus far. Even if we all dream of handling shock with dignity and grace, reality seldom gives us the time and space to do ourselves justice. You are extraordinary and your 'husband' will bitterly regret losing you. May he have a long life to live with the consequences of his choices!

And as awful as it might be , think about your own sexual health , maybe time to book an appointment at your local clinic .

Your outward indifference to him is amazing - hold on to that because it's left him floundering. He was hoping you'd go batshit and stalk her so that he could spin the crazy ex trope and position himself as your helpless victim so people would whisper "well no wonder he had an affair" He needed that badly because how else can he justify cheating on you when your baby was in NICU, when you had a toddler and were recovering from the birth. He knows that there's no way he's not the lowest of the low so he needed that mitigation you thankfully didn't give him.

By showing him you aren't fighting for him, nor do you give a fuck where he goes or who he sees, you've disarmed him and deflated his worth in your eyes. Maybe temporarily but nonetheless, an excellent first step for you. Now all you have to do is continue with that momentum when it comes to him.

When a family member of ours cheated, their spouse made sure that all their family and friends knew that the marriage was over and exactly why. And now when the cheater has totally re-written history and placed themselves firmly as the victim in all of this we remember the truth and where the blame really lies. I'll still talk to the family member, because well, family, but I've lost all respect and don't trust a thing they say. And I know that others in the family feel likewise. It wouldn't be admitted outside of the family but it's there... so while his family might act like he's done a minor oopsie, or defend him, or even come to accept the OW as a new partner, they'll still secretly think he's a wanker for what he did.

You are amazing OP - totally agree with the rest here!

I want to highlight something slightly different. Regarding custody I´d state to him and his parents, brother and solicitor that you expect shared custody and an equal 50/50 split. He likely does not want that but why should you be portrayed as denying him, which is the likely other story he will spin regarding his relationship with his children.

I also think it will be in your best interest to have a 50/50 arrangement. Think about your future, you will be in a better position to be in full work and progress in your career if you have no child care obligations two weeks out of every four. Maintenance and child support never fills the gap created from loss of earnings and the bastards never pay what it costs to raise children anyway. So let him have his own even split of the cost. Let him house, clothe, feed and pay for child care to be able to work equal to you. Only way that truly happens is if you split custody evenly.

I know this may not sound like a good deal right now but it will be far better than the shitty one night and every other weekend that will cause you to be default for everything and therefore so much harder. It will also allow you to have your own life with hobbies, friends and new love (if you want that).

So I strongly advise going for a 50/50 arrangement which is the default position these days in the courts too I believe.

The flip side of going for 50/50 if you´d rather have a different split is that you´ll likely scare him and may get a better deal out of the divorce.

Other than that eccho what others have said about starting to be practical, get financials together and get lawyered up. He will soon enough be doing that if he hasn´t already done so.

I wondered that. The text OP relayed could, as she put it, “only mean one thing.” But it was still within wiggle zone for a liar, and I was surprised he didn’t try.

You seem really invested in the 50/50 split thing.

Not convinced myself. Like many women, I absolutely didn't want a 50/50 split as I knew I'd end up with the lion's share of the bills and looking after the kids and all the domestic responsibility that comes with that, but without any financial contribution to it. I imagine this turns out to be the case in loads of separations. 50/50 is often just an excuse for men to not pay maintenance for their kids - which is why so many are all for it...

A 50/50 split is not the best financially.

Recently a friend of mine split up with her partner of many years. I was so shocked as they were really close and 'in each other's pockets'.

Anyway she won't say what's happened, she just says in a tone of disdain 'he's not the man I thought he was and it's over'. I thought that's a really good way of putting it.

Yeah so a "50/50" split for me seems to be I am the only one who clothes/properly feeds/equips with school stuff/equips with sports stuff/drives places etc and he is given a big pat on the back for being an amazing dad because they sleep at his house half the nights in the year and contributes nothing financially despite earning a shit ton more than me.
The actual real time split is more like 80/20 too because of his work and his spineless nature ie- unable to stand up to his employer and flex his hours as I have.

When I sought advice from child benefit office (because he made a counter claim) they told me I would have to legally give him half of it each month as he head entitled because of the nights they sleep at his and if I didn't they would simply freeze the claim and no one would receive it in the meantime and no back pay.

Just my experience.

@horseyhorsey17 Not super invested no, honestly, but I do see it as an important equality issue. And as we are all giving the OP some things for her to consider as she goes on to make very important decisions for her life I wanted to give her that piece of advice.

My perspective is formed from so many stories of women being unfairly left in poverty (or near poverty) from the unequal situation often created after a breakup. I mean it helps very little to get 400 quid per month in child support from the father if your childcare bill is 2000 quid for two under fives (as the OP has). There can be long term financial consequences too if the custody split impacts ability to work. Anyway, the advise comes with the best intentions but I understand its not what everyone want. The OP should do whatever she feels is right for her family.

@LyricalGangsta That´s a shitty experience.

Women and children are shafted no matter what then. Anyway, don´t want to derail the OPs thread so I´ll leave it here.

How is it an equality issue? I am a committed feminist but I don't see 50/50 arrangements favouring women and I think they can be very disruptive to children, too. £400 a month towards childcare fees is still better than £0 a month towards childcare fees, which is what is likely to happen with 50/50 custody. It can also affect your ability to claim child benefit, if you're not necessarily viewed as the main carer. Women can easily lose out in the name of 'equality,' especially if they're in a financially precarious position to start off with.

Well no actually. £400 a month towards a 2k childcare bill is not worth as much as the 1k per month a single mother would save if care was 50:50

That would mean coming to an agreement on paying that though. What happens if you get 50/50 care and the other party refuses to pay nursery costs? (Genuine question as I have no idea).

@horseyhorsey17 depends on the type of 50:50. If you do (fe) Sunday- Wed lunchtime each week you just arrange and pay a nursery for the days you need it. If you have a 1 week on one week off system then it's harder as you'd need to share the same nursery place.

Does OP really want to leave half of the upbringing of her precious children to a lying cheating scumbag who very possibly endangered her health / sexual health / and possibly life of foetus / baby by shagging around ?

Call me old fashioned but I'd be wanting to keep the home and my kids and take as much money as possible. They can have sunday visits from dad and when they're older go stay for days.

Me and my siblings were the infant victims of a disgusting divorce that left us all in horrific neglect and harm. Having a stable consistent home is vital for a child IMO.

He's obviously an absolute shit, but is there a reason to think he wouldn't keep his kids safe?

Ive just caught up on your latest posts, Im so sorry you were right and what a pathetic excuse for a man. Goading you and kicking off.

Im glad you have a good support network around you.

The arrogance of thinking you stalked her, mine said on the day I told him to leave when he got home from work “I thought you would have thrown my belongings on the front lawn “ like I’m some kind of fish wife.
Switch off when he’s banging on about what he will or won’t be doing/giving you etc, fortunately the law takes care of most of their nonsense.

I'm so sorry @furbys. My sons dad used to tell me that he didn't understand why ppl cheat and that he'd never do it as his ex cheated on him and it broke him... later found out that he was seeing the colleague he used to rant to me about all the time and had also pressured another female friend to sleep with him. I'm almost 2 years on from it now and it still hurts sometimes but i promise it will start to feel better in time... hold your babies close lovely, you deserve better than him.