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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Well that can only mean one thing, can't it

375 replies

furbys · 02/01/2024 20:40

Married, two kids, still on maternity leave with the second. I thought we were good.

On Sunday I saw a WhatsApp message on my husbands phone, number saved as a boys name, picture very much a woman, no previous texts just one message from my husband saying "Furbys will be in with the baby asleep by 9.30. Don't text before then. I promise I'll phone tonight xxx"

Total fluke that I saw it, the baby had grabbed his phone when he was on his play mat and it was open on that message. I somehow instantly knew exactly what I'd just read and clicked off when I heard my husband coming back into the room. He snatched it off the mat so quickly. I didn't have a chance to check his phone again for days as he hasn't had it out his sight but he did today and I checked and the message isn't there now.

Well thats fucking that then isn't it? I've said nothing, to be honest I'm trying to not even think about it, but I know what I've found Sad

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 03/01/2024 22:43

You see the problem is that you havent done this right.

I must make clear that I mean that you havent done this right IN HIS EYES.

What you should have done was gone mad, chucked him out and then when it came to him actually leaving, and you didnt stop him, he threw in "Do you believe me" about going to his brothers, to plant a seed of doubt in your head. That was when you should have begged and pleaded with him to stay in order to stop him going to her, at which point he would have eventually agreed to stay after much begging on your part. Except you didnt. You were supposed to at least make him promise he was going to his brothers, and probably phone the brother to make sure he was there. Except you didnt. You were supposed to care where he was and what he was doing. And you didnt.

You were supposed to be more angry with OW than you are with him. You are supposed to blame her, and stalk her and harrass and abuse her so that he can justify what he did because you are a a nut job. Except you didnt.

From his point of view, there is no way he can come out of this with anything that can justify his behaviour, that will look even vaguely ok to other people or even with a woman fighting for him.

This is day one of him realising that he has fucked up everything and all for what? Nothing.

Be prepared for him to get nastier over the next few weeks. I am sorry to have to tell you this but better you be prepared for it. Even worse if she isnt interested in immediately moving on/in with him. He will need to blame you for ruining his life by finding out what he did, it wont be his fault for doing it in the first place.

Then the "I am so sorry, I dont know what happened, I might be having a breakdown" will start, this will be to get you to take him back. He will start to turn up to see the kids looking like he slept in a skip, not shaven (extra points if he has lost weight "I just cant eat") etc. When that doesnt work, he may well revert back to angry. All the while threatening to get full custody of the kids (if you really want to fuck with him, say yes ok you could do with a break!) , dont panic, they all do this. As if they would want, or could cope with, the kids full time. Its just a weapon that they think will make us break and bend to their will.

Sadly they all go through the same stages, so bloody predictable.

But, take comfort from the fact that, sadly, millions of women have been where you are now and a hell of a lot of us are on MN. So that means that we can assure you that you WILL get there. You will have bad days and good days and thats ok. You will get stronger and stronger. The fact that we have been there too means that we can help when he thinks he is being clever and you are scared. We can help when the emotional manipulation starts (for example......"How can you make me live apart from the baby, I wont bond with it!" you say "So desperate to bond you were shagging someone else when it was in SCBU...." and so on)
YOU ARE NOT ALONE Flowers

Calliopespa · 03/01/2024 22:43

furbys · 03/01/2024 22:30

Thank you by the way, for so many of you to take the time to respond and support and I'm so sorry to anyone else who has been through it. Yes, I have support. I have a good family and two wonderful very close friends. My mum has taken my 4 year old for a sleepover so it's just me and the baby tonight. She didn't want me to have to put on an act, I was hesitant but it was the right thing actually.

It was the right thing. I’m so glad they are there for you.

blackpanth · 03/01/2024 22:45

I'm so sorry. What an arsehole x

Mariposistaa · 03/01/2024 22:53

Gosh what a horrible man. And yet he CHOSE to continue planning and having children while clearly not committed to having a family!!! Ignore his empty threats. He might fight for custody but he wouldn’t get 100% no chance!
So glad you have a good family, friends and a stable career. You will need them. It won’t be easy but you are so much better off without this arsehole.
Hate to say it but get yourself STI tested - ugh you don’t know where he has been.

browneyes77 · 03/01/2024 22:53

Whydowomendothistothemselves · 03/01/2024 22:35

“Have you stalked her yet?” is DARVO. Trying to turn OP into the crazy bitch wife who drove him and his poor downtrodden penis into the vag of some poor other woman, who is helpless against the onslaught of irrational and unfair spousal outrage. It’s the Fucking Script.

Exactly this.

Their behaviour once they’ve been found out is soooo predictable.

The same as we know, once they’ve done the Mr Nasty angry part, they’ll try the Mr Nice Guy act for a while and when they realise that won’t work they’ll revert back to Mr Nasty again. It’s fucking textbook.

@furbys You’ve remained exceptionally calm through this and I think you’ve handled it so well. You strike me as someone who doesn’t take any shit and has their head screwed on, so I’ve no doubt you’ll handle this like the absolute boss you are, even though you’re hurting like hell.

I’m so glad you’ve got lots of support. And some of the ladies on here who’ve been through this will no doubt have excellent advice for you too. Stay fierce 🔥💐 x

Chicaontour · 03/01/2024 22:58

Sending OP absolutely support, strength and empathy. Cry yourself blind snd then get up to fight. Ps not a chance he will actually want custody of the children its a scare tactic

Nicole1111 · 03/01/2024 23:01

It speaks volumes about him that when confronted he showed no remorse and instead lashed out at you. You deserve so much better. I’m so glad he’s out for now and was pleased to hear he was clearly butt hurt that you didn’t care where he was going. I hope you’re as ok as you can be. Glad to hear you have support around you.

Kommm · 03/01/2024 23:05

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/01/2024 22:43

You see the problem is that you havent done this right.

I must make clear that I mean that you havent done this right IN HIS EYES.

What you should have done was gone mad, chucked him out and then when it came to him actually leaving, and you didnt stop him, he threw in "Do you believe me" about going to his brothers, to plant a seed of doubt in your head. That was when you should have begged and pleaded with him to stay in order to stop him going to her, at which point he would have eventually agreed to stay after much begging on your part. Except you didnt. You were supposed to at least make him promise he was going to his brothers, and probably phone the brother to make sure he was there. Except you didnt. You were supposed to care where he was and what he was doing. And you didnt.

You were supposed to be more angry with OW than you are with him. You are supposed to blame her, and stalk her and harrass and abuse her so that he can justify what he did because you are a a nut job. Except you didnt.

From his point of view, there is no way he can come out of this with anything that can justify his behaviour, that will look even vaguely ok to other people or even with a woman fighting for him.

This is day one of him realising that he has fucked up everything and all for what? Nothing.

Be prepared for him to get nastier over the next few weeks. I am sorry to have to tell you this but better you be prepared for it. Even worse if she isnt interested in immediately moving on/in with him. He will need to blame you for ruining his life by finding out what he did, it wont be his fault for doing it in the first place.

Then the "I am so sorry, I dont know what happened, I might be having a breakdown" will start, this will be to get you to take him back. He will start to turn up to see the kids looking like he slept in a skip, not shaven (extra points if he has lost weight "I just cant eat") etc. When that doesnt work, he may well revert back to angry. All the while threatening to get full custody of the kids (if you really want to fuck with him, say yes ok you could do with a break!) , dont panic, they all do this. As if they would want, or could cope with, the kids full time. Its just a weapon that they think will make us break and bend to their will.

Sadly they all go through the same stages, so bloody predictable.

But, take comfort from the fact that, sadly, millions of women have been where you are now and a hell of a lot of us are on MN. So that means that we can assure you that you WILL get there. You will have bad days and good days and thats ok. You will get stronger and stronger. The fact that we have been there too means that we can help when he thinks he is being clever and you are scared. We can help when the emotional manipulation starts (for example......"How can you make me live apart from the baby, I wont bond with it!" you say "So desperate to bond you were shagging someone else when it was in SCBU...." and so on)
YOU ARE NOT ALONE Flowers

Somebody messed with the wrong wrong woman!

You would think if he’d lived with you for years, he’d know how smart and capable and not to be trifled with you are. Idiot move to try to manipulate you. No help for the stupid and morally bankrupt I guess.

DragonMama3 · 03/01/2024 23:11

whats darvo?

DragonMama3 · 03/01/2024 23:15

@furbys I really like that you told him you don't care.

Keep on moving on. There are better days ahead.

CustardySergeant · 03/01/2024 23:15

DragonMama3 · 03/01/2024 23:11

whats darvo?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

DARVO - Wikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

MzHz · 03/01/2024 23:17

@furbys you are a QUEEN, you have absolutely done the right thing and yes he’ll probably get nastier when he realises you’re not playing the pick me dance.

he’s not worthy of you at all. You were in SCBU? He knows what he did to you.

be kind to yourself, this is the start of the rest of your life and it won’t always feel so raw.

thinking of you

melmos · 03/01/2024 23:20

You are amazing op, what a worthless shit he is

callainblue · 03/01/2024 23:40

Been thinking about you today, have just read your update.

What a horrible man. Is this out of character or has he always been like this?

Do make sure you go to a clinic for a sexual health check, you need to know if there's anything that needs treatment.

TippiHedrin · 03/01/2024 23:40

So sorry you're going through this OP but the way you have handled this is 💯

Can't believe the pathetic little twit was hoping you'd "stalk" her and fight for him. Like someone who behaves like that is some sort of prize. He's really shown his hand there.

allmyliesaretrue · 03/01/2024 23:45

OMG you have the worst bastard of all bastards of a husband!!!

I am so sorry for the situation you are in, just sending love! x

allmyliesaretrue · 03/01/2024 23:47

Can I just add, I would love to kick his fuck in, for the way the bastard has behaved?!!

BoomBoom70 · 03/01/2024 23:57

What a shitbag he is. And your response has enabled you to have complete leverage over the situation. Glad you have support IRL. 🌺

Calliopespa · 03/01/2024 23:59

TippiHedrin · 03/01/2024 23:40

So sorry you're going through this OP but the way you have handled this is 💯

Can't believe the pathetic little twit was hoping you'd "stalk" her and fight for him. Like someone who behaves like that is some sort of prize. He's really shown his hand there.

And like people with small children have time to stalk the OW, baby in tow. It’s sickening he even was able to envisage that scene.

Snowdogsmitten · 03/01/2024 23:59

The ‘have you stalked her yet’ comment is so spiteful in multiple ways, not only because it suggests unity between him and her and sounds like he’s almost protecting her, but it makes a villain of the innocent OP.

If he was fucking around while your newborn was in the special care baby unit, that is impressively cunt-levels of cruelty.

I’d want everyone to know exactly what he’d done and would ensure a loose-lipped friend made it so.

MsDogLady · 04/01/2024 00:16

@furbys, your calm dignity has thrown him off balance. In his small mind, he is the ultimate prize, so when you found out, he envisioned a fierce competition between you and OW. When you popped his balloon and focused on the children’s best interests, he scrambled and lashed out with bravado. How utterly predictable.

You’re a ⭐️, @furbys. I hope you can get some rest tonight.

Wanna17 · 04/01/2024 00:20

@HarrietTheFireStarter who shat on your corn flakes Mrs Happy?

NotARealWookiie · 04/01/2024 01:26

What a bastard.

Tryingmybestadhd · 04/01/2024 01:30

you can find out , pretend you are asleep and record him , you can track him with a tag or even follow him maybe ? Is there anyone you trust you can ask for help maybe ? I think it’s obvious he is cheating

Catoo · 04/01/2024 01:44

Well done OP.
Great that you told him you didn’t care where he was going.

Grey rock the fuck out of him from this point onwards. It will drive him nuts.

That comment about stalking her. What a cunt he is. And if she was seeing him when you were in the SCBU and knew about it, she’s one too. And good luck to them being together. They’ll never trust each other.

💐x

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