Well that can only mean one thing, can't it

[furbys]

Married, two kids, still on maternity leave with the second. I thought we were good.

On Sunday I saw a WhatsApp message on my husbands phone, number saved as a boys name, picture very much a woman, no previous texts just one message from my husband saying "Furbys will be in with the baby asleep by 9.30. Don't text before then. I promise I'll phone tonight xxx"

Total fluke that I saw it, the baby had grabbed his phone when he was on his play mat and it was open on that message. I somehow instantly knew exactly what I'd just read and clicked off when I heard my husband coming back into the room. He snatched it off the mat so quickly. I didn't have a chance to check his phone again for days as he hasn't had it out his sight but he did today and I checked and the message isn't there now.

Well thats fucking that then isn't it? I've said nothing, to be honest I'm trying to not even think about it, but I know what I've found

@PyongyangKipperbang
I frequently like what you post but what you wrote to the OP is top-notch! You covered it all, including all the games the cheater will try and pull to get his way. I hope the OP copies what you wrote and sends it to herself in an email so she can refer to it often.

Bravo!

Just think if it could be done as a fund-raiser. The amount of money that could be raised would be legend!

@furbys

I just wanted to let you know that you handled that admirably! Don't play into his fantasies or sick little games.

Please be sure to get your finances secured so you and the LOs won't be without what you all need and so you can pay your bills. He sounds like the type of azzhat to try and break you financially so that you feel you have to take him back.

Stay strong and realize you have MANY people pulling for you and offering a handhold, shoulder or a sounding board whenever you need one.

Oh OP, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that this is happening. Sending you a big, unmumsnetty hug if you'd like one. You can do this

OP so sorry you're going thru this, I can only say that you've played this really well.

I would stand your ground, hold your own, and make it very clear to him that you've gone off him and could never feel anything for him ever again (even if not strictly true).

As for OW, she's irrelevant and beside the point. Hilarious that he thought you might have stalked her. She might be skint, live in a shared flat with a bunch of random housemates. Or have a man and a family of her own. Who cares? I wouldn't even bother putting speculation into it but just because he's been doing the dirty doesn't mean they have a plan together, far from it.

Your job is to stay well and stable and consistent for your family and for your sanity. You're doing great!

Op you have handled this like an absolute queen. I am so impressed. I don't think I could handle it as gracefully as you have.

He is a piece of shit and I'm so glad he finally showed you that so you don't have to spend a moment more with that waste of cells.

I wish you all the happiness and peace in the world.

@furbys, it’s wonderful that you have such supportive friends and family. You mother sounds ace.

It’s sickening but not surprising that he is showing no remorse for his betrayal. He’s been playing his toxic games and pretending to be a faithful husband and devoted family man for quite a while. He wasn’t even truly by your side in the SCBU. Only someone with a severely deficient moral compass could
self-justify such cunning duplicity.

You are the injured party, yet because you weren’t sufficiently distraught and pleading, he became hostile. He craved being validated by drama and your ‘stalking’ OW, but you didn’t provide that ego supply.

He will likely switch manipulative tactics several times, but you’ll be ready for that. Keep up the gray rock.

Yep.

Or a bloke that doesn't want women to be organised, assured and supported by other women who've been through this shitshow themselves. They definitely live amongst us and don't like women helping each other.

I've always thought it was great advice as a reminder when you're in shock and can't think straight to be practical and think of your current financial and administrative situation.

Sorry you're going through this.

What a complete shit.

Well done for staying calm. Get your ducks in a row. Expect more shitty behaviour from the dickhead

He will try and put you on an emotional rollercoaster. Don’t let him.

You are in control. Be bored of him. Be tired of him. Be calm. Be detached. This will make him insane.

Speak to a solicitor pronto.

You’ve just shown us all (and your kids) exactly how to respect ourselves. You’re effing incredible. Well done.

I absolutely adore the fact that you did not give him any drama around it. Where’s all the attention he so loves to seek? You’re completely and utterly bloody awesome. The fact he got nasty when you came into your power shows him in his true light. No apology. His parents will be horrified and all the fun he’s been having with this OW will suddenly not be as fun anymore.

Good for you. You’re so powerful (and a little bit sleep deprived). 🙌🏻 x

GO LISTEN TO ARETHA on full blast! R.E.S.P.E.C.T. 💪

Call a lawyer today. A good one. Don’t worry about the cost and don’t go for a cheap option - a good lawyer will be worth it in the long run as they’ll cover their own cost through getting you a better outcome.

And if you have access to online banking, take screenshots of the account numbers and balances (and change the passwords if you can).

Take photos of any paperwork including any accounts or assets in his name.

Don’t change the locks yet - unless there is violence, if he’s still paying the mortgage you can’t deny him access to the martial home and he could use it against you to either stop paying the mortgage or claim you’re alienating him from his children.

Good luck, OP. (Call a lawyer, now!)

Thinking of you.

He honestly sounds like he is (and will continue to be) a complete and utter bastard through this.

Stay strong x

Seconding this. Get the most expensive lawyer you can afford.

I went for a cheap divorce lawyer thinking I could save a bit of money He turned out to be a complete flake and I had to pay another lawyer to bail me out of the mess he made.

Never try to cut costs with legal advice. You really do get what you pay for and a good divorce lawyer will make your money back and then some. A cheap one is money down the drain. Get a recommendation from someone you know who's been through it.

💐

Oh OP, you did so well keeping calm is definitely the way to go.

I've lost my rag once (or maybe twice) and each time I felt awful afterwards, it didn't help anything. But after keeping calm and grey rocking I feel like I have control of myself and can harness that power to get stuff done.

Don't think he'll be reasonable, don't think he'll be fair. Figure out what you think is fair, and pitch for a little bit more than that so you have some negotiation room.

What an arsehole he is! I'm so sorry he's done this to you

He sounds so horrible. He should at the very least be apologising and not threatening you?!

I hope you have someone in real life you can lean on?

I'd try and figure out a rough co-parenting schedule initially, if you're happy for him to have the children staying one or two nights a week at his brothers? Offer a plan for the children you think would work and then maybe you could have the weekends to rest and process what's happening. Only if you trust him to look after your children and then give them back at an agreed time.
There's no reason why anyone would give him full custody but I'm sure you know that.

Everything else like money etc.. can be figured out a little bit later when you're ready to see a solicitor.

So sorry this is happening but it sounds like you're well rid of him. X

He thinks he's a prize to be competed for.
What a silly bastard.

@furbys you have played a blinder here, this should be the textbook on how to deal with a cheating partner. Well done you, when I’m sure you wanted to scream and cry, keep grey rocking him and don’t rise to his attempts at drama. I don’t have anything to add as you had some great advise on this thread already, go start calling round shit hot lawyers and put your claim in for CM - show him you mean business. He’s probably still thinking he can worm his way back in again.

Firstly, can Pyongyang please make sure she helps me with all my dilemmas.
She is awesome.

OP, I've not much to add, except to say that I hope you can keep your level of indifference towards him as that is pretty rare from what I can see. It basically shuts him down. He has nowhere to go with a reaction like that.

If you don't shout and scream at him, kick off at her, block him from anything, ask him any questions, there is no way back for him. There is a thin line between love and hate. You can swing back. With indifference there is nothing.

He was nasty and vindictive to you but I bet you any money he is lying on his brothers spare bed in the box room thinking WTF has happened? Why has she non-reacted?

Get your ducks in order before he does.

Also, not sure how it works if he has left. Rather than kicking him out, has he "left his wife and young DC and baby". Don't write anything in an email or message that suggests you kicked him out.

You're doing amazing OP. This sounds like textbook my situation 18months ago: please get a family solicitor. Mine was the same re kids, saying he'd get more out the house etc. Just scare tactics. He was then refusing to pick DS up from school (things he'd done in the past) as it was no longer his responsibility. My solicitor soon nipped that in the bud and kept his behaviour under control.

I promise this will be the making of you, although it won't seem that way for a long time.

Happy to answer any questions you have or even if you just want a rant

Very impressed by how you have dealt with this. What a prick he is. What does he mean he is going to "fight"? For what? The right to stick his dick wherever he wants? And he is not "going down without a fight". No-one sent him down anywhere, that is on him.

OP - you're the winner here. You found out what an utter sub-human piece of shit he is. You have your gorgeous babies and supportive family and friends. And you have handled this so well.

It will be painful for a while. But remember, short term pain, long term gain. You will get through this.

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this but my god you're handling it like a total boss. I LOVE that you told him you didn't care where he was going and you're not interested in stalking the other woman- and that you turned the focus back onto HIM and his shitty behaviour, and asked him about whether he was doing it while your baby was in the SCBU - to which he could say NOTHING because that is literally indefensible. I agree with PP that that's why he turned so nasty - because you completely rose above blaming the other woman, and gave him nowhere to hide from his actions. You also remained totally calm, so he can't even call you crazy! Well done for handling it with so much strength and dignity. I'm glad your mum is supporting you- thank God for Mums. You'll get there and will be so, so much better off without this awful man. Also ignore all the nonsense about custody - he is just trying to scare you/ win in some way. Just ignore and get your lawyer sorted. Thinking of you, OP - you can do this!