Dp said this / kids bathing

[Etlas79]

Looking for some opinions on this

the dc ages 5 & 6 both shower once a day. Dp would like them to shower twice a day. I showered them yesterday evening, fresh clothes and haven’t left the house since. It’s 2pm and we are heading out to take them swimming, I was going to shower them this morning but instead just did the usual brush teeth and wash faces as they are going to be showering after swimming anyway. I don’t see the point showering them now then again in 3 hours.

dp has got very annoyed about this, even though I tried to explain why. He told me ‘you’re just a dirty white woman with no culture or tradition’ … basically calling me dirty for not showering them this morning.

Is this dirty? How often do you shower your dc? Considering mine are still so young and we haven’t left the house since they showered last night, I just didn’t see the point when they will shower after swimming again? Should I be showering them twice a day?

obviously what dp has said has upset me too

The 'no culture' comment is a bit of a red flag to my mind, having been in a mixed marriage. My ex-DH family were always saying the English had no culture (these days it is no such thing as white culture, I think). It means no traditions that they recognise because a) the English are understated and b) because European culture tends not to be seen as a culture as it doesn't involve a lot of ritual publicly. I'd pull him up on this because it is a racist comment. As to showering once a day is often enough for two small children and what's the point of a shower before swimming when they had a shower yesterday evening?

OP, you keep saying it's not a cultural thing but it IS a race thing. The fact that he used your skin colour as part of an insult is racism.

My DC are younger than yours and bathed every night before bed. They don't need a daily bath but they enjoy playing in the water. I personally think that every other day is sufficient, unless they have gotten particularly dirty.

Lovely to see racism in reverse so effortlessly swept under the carpet.

@hattie43 read up on how domestic violence develops. The perpetrators do not show how they are at the start of relationship s. They use many different tactics to draw partners in, then abuse starts, family and friends are excluded, the victim gets worn down and is too vulnerable to escape, often for some time.

I feel as though he used the ‘white and no culture’ comment as a bluff just to go along with the narrative that we sometimes hear

Disgustingly, we sometimes hear racist narratives about black people too, but would it even occur to you to call him an (insert insult) black man?

I bathe my DD (who is 1) once a week because her skin is terribly dry and her eczema flares everytime we wash her, even if we just use water.

She's perfectly clean, smells lovely - not greasy at all (if anything her skin/hair is super dry). Bathing her everyday, or twice a day - god forbid - would destroy her skin.

Washing daily is actually bad for everyone's skin (adults too) but if you're oily then your skin can handle it and be fine. Your DH's comments are bizarre. Please don't wash your DC twice a day - why is he so interested in them bathing??

Their poor skin. We used to get a bath on a Sunday night as kids and a strip wash in-between.

Not a very nice thing for him to say it's not healthy to be showered twice a day I imagine it strips the oils from the skin and hair.

Is it really generally accepted though? Or is it (as PP said) more of a minority belief system?
Wouldn’t power + (racial) prejudice be institutional racism?
How can you remove the race element from OP’s husband’s comment and pretend it’s “just” prejudice? Prejudice against what exactly? Given that he’s specifically mentioning her skin colour?

Kids that age do not need to shower every day, it can cause a lot of skin issues if they do.
Even just dry skin can be such a pain.

I will always shower them if they’ve been swimming, got soaking wet or dirty etc but not just do it because I think they’re dirty.

How does he think they’re dirty?

My mum had OCD but only with our hands and so we’d have to constantly wash our hands because she kept thinking that everything we touched was covered in germs.

Does he want them to wash their hands regularly too?

Aside from that, I would not be spoken to like that and being racist towards your partner is one of the worst things you can say and I would not forgive it and I would seriously end my relationship over it.

Babies/Toddlers, i'd bathe everyday, they get grubby and are usually in nappies.
5/6, no, every second or even third day. if they were swimming, absolutely not. They shower after swimming.

Get rid of him OP.

there is no difference culturally between me and him (although he is African).

I suspect there is some cultural difference between you even if it's minor. He may have been born and brought up in the UK but he has African heritage and that is part of his cultural identity and expectations. Besides, Africa is a large continent of many countries and varied traditions. He seems to be translating an 'African' tradition inappropriately to UK life but worse still he's being racist and abusive to his wife!

@Etlas79

‘you’re just a dirty white woman with no culture or tradition’ …

What sort of mean person he sounds speaking to you like this - and sounds racist too. It sounds like he's nasty on a regular basis - I hope your children don't hear him talking to you like this. 🌹

wow that’s awful!

my 3 year old has 4 baths a week. That’s it!!! Any more and it dries his skin out.

children don’t sweat like adults

Racism is generally accepted to mean power + prejudice. Your husband is prejudiced and bigoted (and abusive).

No, it is not “generally accepted” some people accept that concept, you clearly being one of those people, and the idea chimes so much with them that they struggle to believe that most people don’t think that way at all.

Spot on @inamarina

I would've told him to gtf. And if he thinks i'm unclean, he's very welcome to do us all a favour, and find himself somewhere else to live, with like minded 'cleaner' people.

My mouth hit the floor.
What an abusive bastard he is.
Run for your life op.

That asside, there's no reason for a child of 6 to need a bath every day. Let alone twice! Growing up I got one once a week. Maybe thats too little but every 3 days is fine unless they've been out playing in mud or something.

Kids don't sweat much, they don't need baths every day. Not till they are teens. Or pre-teen maybe.

Also, it's important for children's immune systems that they get dirty as kids. It helps them form.

Your partner is an abuser and using this nonsense about baths to shame and control you.

It's very bad op, get out of there.

It should be possible to have a difference of opinion without it being made personal, much less being called names and put down because of your race. And for the person who is supposed to love you to make you think your cleanliness is a problem is vile. I dont see much hope here. You deserve much better.

When I was 5/6 we’d wash our face and hands in the morning, have a strip down wash in the evening and a bath and hair wash on a Sunday night.

Exactly!

Twice a day...is he on crack?

Honestly op listen yo even the things you are saying. A new years resolution to 'be more clean'. Nah. Fuck that. Your new years resolution should be to dump this abuser.

You even say you know he says things to hurt you. Sooo...why the hell are you staying around him. He's not a partner, he's an enemy who means you harm.

He's already seriously affecting your mental health.

Dint let your kids grow up in an environment witnessing their mother being abused. Or becoming obsessed with being 'dirty'. It's do fucked up.

No excuses for his bs, just run fast and far and never go back to him. He's a beast.

DS 5 has 3 or 4 baths a week. In winter, I shower every other day except when it's that time of the month.

Your partner is an abusive, racist cunt @Etlas79 and I hope you are making plans to leave him. Please do not accept such abuse.

Jesus wept, it's racial abuse based on racial prejudice.

I personally think that the attempt to change the definition of 'racism' so that it's something that can never be suffered by white people is an attempt to make it more acceptable to racially abuse white people (as this man has done).

After all, accusing someone of "prejudice" is a far softer and a less loaded thing which can be far more easily socially brushed off than branding them a "rascist".

Personally, I feel the same disgust for this man that I'd feel for his wife if she had racially abused her black husband in these terms, and I think that's an appropriate response. Do you?

Racist. You were good enough to presumably have sex with and have children with but you’re ’a dirty white woman’ makes my skin crawl. Fuck him off op for the love of god you’ll never be good enough.