Dp said this / kids bathing

[Etlas79]

Looking for some opinions on this

the dc ages 5 & 6 both shower once a day. Dp would like them to shower twice a day. I showered them yesterday evening, fresh clothes and haven’t left the house since. It’s 2pm and we are heading out to take them swimming, I was going to shower them this morning but instead just did the usual brush teeth and wash faces as they are going to be showering after swimming anyway. I don’t see the point showering them now then again in 3 hours.

dp has got very annoyed about this, even though I tried to explain why. He told me ‘you’re just a dirty white woman with no culture or tradition’ … basically calling me dirty for not showering them this morning.

Is this dirty? How often do you shower your dc? Considering mine are still so young and we haven’t left the house since they showered last night, I just didn’t see the point when they will shower after swimming again? Should I be showering them twice a day?

obviously what dp has said has upset me too

Yy. Most people are racist to some degree.

Racism is generally accepted to mean power + prejudice.

Is it? Generally accepted by whom?.

then what do we call racial abuse or discrimination towards individuals of the less powerful race by individuals from dominant, often colonising, one - which you’d presumably agree has a far more serious impact?

It is downright racism. Racism would be out in my house. So many women leave their husbands for less.

Just to shoehorn this in to a discussion about bathing.

Your kids don't need a £4.99 children's shampoo. They don't need any shampoo.

Save money and plastic, and their scalps.

No (sham)poo!

Editing to say I'm aware this seems really random but I did agree with how racist op's dh sounds a few pages back, then read a few pages back and forth about bathing and felt like there isn't enough call to put the shampoo bottles down when it comes to children's hair.

Sorry if off topic!

@inamarina “Is it really generally accepted though? Or is it (as PP said) more of a minority belief system?
Wouldn’t power + (racial) prejudice be institutional racism?”

only if you don’t believe that individuals have power, only institutions.

or if you don’t believe that individuals of the dominant race - who have built those institutions n their own image and to their own advantage - can be racist.

Both views are wrong, obviously.

Racist is racist.

His own kids are half white and he hates white people.

Or at least, he pretends to in order to abuse his wife.

Either way, he's a bully and life is too precious to waste with people like that.

I take it your answer means that you don't agree that feeling equal disgust towards someone who is racist towards white people as someone who is racist towards black people is an appropriate response. Feel free to correct me if that is not a correct interpretation of your answer.

You can sub-name different types of racism anything you like. Structural racism, institutional racism, 'dominant culture racism', whatever you like. People have come up with all sorts of things. But racism is simply about a belief in the superiority of one race and inferiority of another. And people who abide by that are racists. Like this woman's husband.

For the record, I would also object to the notion that women can't be sexist towards men just because we live in a patriarchy. The word is about prejudice based on sex and that goes both ways, however much one might wish to argue that misogyny is more harmful than misandry. I don't believe in playing silly buggers with language to try to remove or downplay one group's means of describing their experience just because it might not fit with my narrative.

He called you a dirty white woman with no culture or tradition 😲. Well, having just lived through Xmas here, is he blind too? He's a racist with a big chip on his shoulder - don't know how you can live with that. He calls you dirty and you believe it to the extent of putting it on your calendar to be 'clean' this year as an aim.
His attitude shows that he has put you in a box of being 'less than" him, so he's fine with abusing you as he's the boss. I'd be surprised if these signs weren't there before you had DC's. Why have you put up with it? Is he a misogynist too? Wouldn't surprise me. Clearly his views are so obtuse that he has MH issues. So, instead of cowtowing to his wishes, tell him to get therapy as he clearly needs it, as do you. It's not normal to put up with abuse either, so I'd say you need help to see yourself what is unacceptable behaviour, because you've had probably years of hints towards this that have been ignored.

…and also wanting something to pick at on me.

This is disturbing, @Etlas79. He’s a bully and a dominator. I despair that your children are witnessing his verbal and emotional abuse of you, their mother. This is harming them and setting them up to be mistreated in their future relationships. And of course his racist remark to you is sickening. As his children are partly Caucasian, he is essentially viewing you all as ‘less than.’

Please get the children and yourself away from him.

I have to ask this, "Why are you letting him verbally/mentally/emotionally abuse you?"

What is his abuse going to do to your DC? He has already caused you MH issues because now you actually "think" you are dirty! He will destroy your children the way he is, and it seems that you are willingly going along with it. What's next? Abusers rarely stop with one kind of abuse. Since he is already doing the trifecta, are you going to wait for the financial and physical abuse to start? Or has those horses already left the gate?

I would think your children deserve better, as do you, but I guess only you can decide that.

I didn’t know only washing your child once a week was a thing until I spoke to new mum friends. I am not white and culturally it would be unheard of within my family and culturally similar friendship circle to shower/bathe a child that infrequently.

Similar cultural difference when it comes to not washing meat before cooking and not rinsing dishes (although think the same latter might be a distinctly English thing. I’ve met white Europeans who are baffled by it)

But anyway, each to their own.

Re racism..I also believe this to be prejudice + power but I know a lot of people on MN absolutely lose their shit when they read this so not surprised the thread has taken the turn it has.

So individuals can have power, but never as a non white person against a white person?
Again - why are you ignoring the racial aspect in OP’s husband’s comment when he specifically mentions her race?

horrible racist man-its not good for kid skin to do that and it doesnt matter noone shold speak to you that way

it is due to his extreme views on cleanliness, being slightly ocd and also wanting something to pick at on me.
XH also finds any excuse to have a go at me. If he can't find anything I've done wrong he'll just chose to have a go at me over nothing. I parked wrong, I carried something wrong, I'm wrecking the car because I don't park it exactly where he would. I understand why you needed to ask, your H is abusing you and it messes with your head and you end up doubting yourself and second guessing everything.

I don't know anyone who washed kids that age every day, mostly it's every 2-3 days, some people weekly. Unless they've gotten visibly dirty little kids don't need to shower very often and it's better for their skin not to shower daily, let alone twice a day.

So the man is racist and has OCD which he is imposing on his family. Multiple showers/indoor clothes/outdoor clothes/using your skin colour as a stick to beat you. It's all madness and not healthy.
I'd have walked out ages ago and leave him to his multiple daily showers. Kids certainly don't need twice a day, we only did daily showers when we lived in a hot country and a swim in the outdoor pool followed by a rinse in the pool shower meant no bath/shower needed before bed.

Re racism..I also believe this to be prejudice + power but I know a lot of people on MN absolutely lose their shit when they read this so not surprised the thread has taken the turn it has.

You can believe that if you want - doesn't make it true and certainly isn't how it works in anti-racism legislation.

Totally agree. Racism has always meant prejudice on the grounds of race.

Oh it’s absolute nonsense! But I knew it would come up as soon as I saw this thread. I knew someone would stroll on to confidently make these assertions as though fact.

A black man tells his white wife that she is dirty and uncultured because she is white, and that this is typical of white peoples, but this overt and aggressive racism must be denied in order to be shoe horned into current ideological, unproven, academic THEORIES around race. In a way I am glad this has been claimed on this thread despite the distressing content and how awful it is for the OP, because it has made it crystal clear just how nonsensical and flimsy these ideas are!

Re racism..I also believe this to be prejudice + power but I know a lot of people on MN absolutely lose their shit when they read this so not surprised the thread has taken the turn it has.

It is not “losing their shit” to resist and question character defining accusations/slurs imposed on them by someone else’s ideological beliefs. That is perfectly normal and to be expected, even admired. But such accusations of anger/resentment are just part of the process aren’t they? Just one of the stops on the pathway to the inevitable conclusion that to even question, is proof of “racism” in itself.

OP, your "D"P is a vile racist. Staying with him and allowing that to continue in your children's presence is abuse on your part. Leave. Your children deserve better.

For those of you saying they only bathe their children once a week. Why? Seriously. Kids are grotty. How are you teaching them good hygiene practices by once a week bathing?

I guess some of the "bad hygiene by partner" threads all make sense now.

Your kids are growing up with a racist father, Op. Let's hope that they don't start repeating what they hear from him at school.

this overt and aggressive racism must be denied in order to be shoe horned into current ideological, unproven, academic THEORIES around race.

I suppose that’s the issue with trying to apply theoretical concepts to real life situations.
A man is nasty to his wife and insults her, specially mentioning her skin colour, but somehow she’s the one with the power because apparently she’s an „individual of the dominant race“.

Agree. To claim that ‚people on MN absolutely lose their shit‘ (just because they disagree with certain ideological beliefs) is such a convenient debate-terminating statement.

Once a week unless physically dirty. Does he have ocd? Sound’s obsessive