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Original poster

How to confess to cheating

168 replies

Beatlejooz · 29/12/2023 19:46

Hi, I’m a 44 year old married woman. 2 kids and a lovely husband.

Over the last year I have been taking part in a course of part of my job. This has involved me attending residentials for two nights on about five occasions over the course of this year

The sessions are a combination of class based learning, but also some outdoor tasks for confidence building etc

We all got to know the instructors are really well. One of the instructors was a 29-year-old man who we will call Ben. Ben was funny flirty and popular. I will admit that I felt a hint of physical attraction when I first met him.

We had our last residential about three weeks ago and on the last night we all went out drinking into town. Ben and the other instructors joined us. I ended up sleeping with Ben that night in my room. We had sex and immediately regretted it. I’ve never cheated before.

I know I’ve ruined my marriage and that dh has to be told. How do I do this though? How do I tell him what I’ve done?

OP posts:
BeaRF75 · 29/12/2023 19:49

He absolutely does NOT have to be told! Just forget the other guy, and get on with your life.

Original poster
Beatlejooz · 29/12/2023 19:51

BeaRF75 · 29/12/2023 19:49

He absolutely does NOT have to be told! Just forget the other guy, and get on with your life.

I feel like he has the right to make an informed decision.

OP posts:
janefondofu · 29/12/2023 19:52

BeaRF75 · 29/12/2023 19:49

He absolutely does NOT have to be told! Just forget the other guy, and get on with your life.

Would you say this if a man had posted about cheating on HIS wife? Don't think so buddy.

RolyPolyBatFacedGirl · 29/12/2023 19:57

I would say the same, male or female!

If this was a one off and you are not about to make a habit of it then the burden of guilt should be yours alone I'm afraid.

Unless you wish to end your marriage, keep quiet and think about what led you to do this

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 29/12/2023 19:58

Take it as a wake up call and work on your marriage. Don't tell dh.
.

Fs365 · 29/12/2023 20:00

RolyPolyBatFacedGirl · 29/12/2023 19:57

I would say the same, male or female!

If this was a one off and you are not about to make a habit of it then the burden of guilt should be yours alone I'm afraid.

Unless you wish to end your marriage, keep quiet and think about what led you to do this

Tend to agree with this, unless you want to blow up your marriage, you keep quiet, don’t do it again, block the person and concentrate on your marriage

MrLbz · 29/12/2023 20:02

If I was your husband I would want to know.

Hibye23289 · 29/12/2023 20:05

The double standards! The guilt would eat me up, might bury it for a few months, years but it would rear it's ugly head in the form of anxiety everytime I looked at husband, then it will not only be cheating but keeping it a secret for so long.

2024anotheryear · 29/12/2023 20:05

It was a one time, stupid mistake that you massively regret. You do not have to blow your husband and families life up to assuage your guilt, it won't. You will live with the guilt forever regardless. Put it down to what it was and move on without destroying everyone you really care about.

Usernamechange1234 · 29/12/2023 20:06

Jeez, he absolutely should be told. OP put his sexual health at risk, robbed him of informed sexual consent and had taken his personal agency. You have to give him a chance to make an informed decision otherwise you’re still withholding for your benefit, it’s entitled and selfish.

OP all you can do is face up to this. Read how to help my spouse heal from my affair and offer full transparency and honesty.

App13 · 29/12/2023 20:06

If you want your marriage to work, and tell dh , he no doubt will think he's got a free ticket to ride to make things even.

It will never be the same again

Joonio · 29/12/2023 20:08

No way can you tell him The guilt is your punishment.

Picklemeyellow · 29/12/2023 20:08

If you don’t tell your dh this will eat away at you, sleeping with someone else is not something you can just neatly shelve away.
Regardless, you dh deserves to know. Wouldn’t you want to know if it was the other way around?

FPCculture · 29/12/2023 20:18

Yes ,most would say don't unless if this was a man posting . I will be honest,as a man myself ,I would think it's best to know and decide because it's worse one day when he finds out down the road

YRGAM · 29/12/2023 20:19

I would keep it a secret and let the guilt be your punishment, but only if you can guarantee three things:

  • Your husband will never find out from another source
  • You will never do it again
  • You have not caught any kind of disease from OM
rockingbird · 29/12/2023 20:20

Turn it round.. if your husband did this to you and never told you how would you feel - if someone let it slip years later. He has a right to know you fucked someone else make or female makes no odds.

Woristag · 29/12/2023 20:20

Tell DH and let him make the decision. He has the right to know

Iwantamarshmallowman · 29/12/2023 20:21

janefondofu · 29/12/2023 19:52

Would you say this if a man had posted about cheating on HIS wife? Don't think so buddy.

Show quote history

as someone who has been cheated on many times. if you can guarantee he will never know and you will never do it again, then do not tell him.

TheChosenTwo · 29/12/2023 20:22

Bloody hell! I’m really surprised at the amount of people saying don’t tell him 😂
I’d be honest about it because if roles were reversed I think I’d deserve to know and dh would be slung out on his arse immediately. If you’re happy in your relationship you wouldn’t have entertained this.

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 29/12/2023 20:29

Don't tell him. You'd be blowing up all your lives for no reason.
If it was symptomatic of marital issues and you want to resolve those, take it as a sign to act. If it was symptomatic of issues and the fact you no longer wish to be married, then end the marriage. But in both cases, I don't think he needs to know - though I did read on here once, that it can be useful for the wounded party to know, to find their hatred and focus their hurt than to "split for no reason". I think I can understand that, but also feel I'd explain the reasons that led to cheating but not own up to that event.

Growlybear83 · 29/12/2023 20:31

Of course you have to tell him, and be prepared that it could end your marriage.

Orio2023 · 29/12/2023 20:33

You want out. You’ve gone about it in a cowardly way and you now want to put the decision to end the marriage in your husbands hands.

Just divorce. There’s no need for theatrics and confessions.

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 20:34

Don’t tell. It will achieve nothing and your kids will be impacted. Use the guilt to never allow it to happen again but try to forgive Yourself too x

BalletBob · 29/12/2023 20:35

Hibye23289 · 29/12/2023 20:05

The double standards! The guilt would eat me up, might bury it for a few months, years but it would rear it's ugly head in the form of anxiety everytime I looked at husband, then it will not only be cheating but keeping it a secret for so long.

So you'd tell your husband to ease your own guilt?

Nah. That anxiety and dread is for the cheater to feel. Not for them to unburden themselves at the expense of their partner.

Hibye23289 · 29/12/2023 20:38

People say use the guilt and live with it but it isn't just guilt it can turn into full blown anxiety and your mental health will be awful, you will try and make it ok in your head and brush over it and get that slight relief but it will keep coming back and the anguish will be too much....well for me it would but I imagine some people can put it to bed for good. I know it's gonna rock everything now in your marriage but you kind of did know what you were doing you liked him from the start so it was kind of intentional although I understand you regretted it after and it does sound like a one off. I'm sorry this has happened to be honest, I normally hate cheating but this does sound like a unfortunate situation to be in now.