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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to confess to cheating

168 replies

Beatlejooz · 29/12/2023 19:46

Hi, I’m a 44 year old married woman. 2 kids and a lovely husband.

Over the last year I have been taking part in a course of part of my job. This has involved me attending residentials for two nights on about five occasions over the course of this year

The sessions are a combination of class based learning, but also some outdoor tasks for confidence building etc

We all got to know the instructors are really well. One of the instructors was a 29-year-old man who we will call Ben. Ben was funny flirty and popular. I will admit that I felt a hint of physical attraction when I first met him.

We had our last residential about three weeks ago and on the last night we all went out drinking into town. Ben and the other instructors joined us. I ended up sleeping with Ben that night in my room. We had sex and immediately regretted it. I’ve never cheated before.

I know I’ve ruined my marriage and that dh has to be told. How do I do this though? How do I tell him what I’ve done?

OP posts:
Ascubudr · 30/12/2023 06:22

Hiddenmnetter · 30/12/2023 06:16

I don’t understand how people can carry on living as though they love their spouse when they’ve done something so hurtful. I mean, that’s the point of being honest and saying sorry. I agree this is a hell of a thing to say sorry about, but I don’t get how you could look at your husband or wife again if you cheat- there’s no “keep it quiet let the guilt be your punishment”. You’ll start to resent them for your guilt!

Be brave, be honest. Tell the truth, and beg for mercy. If you both want it to work it can recover, but one party being wracked by guilt when they’re near you…imagine your husband, feeling your distance and confused by it, buys you flowers and tries to talk to you. All this does is make your stomach boil with guilt, you can’t bear to look at or talk to him. In desperation to not let him know, you have sex, but then the next day go back to being distant because proximity makes you feel sick with remorse.

He will feel worse then- he won’t be able to understand. Guilt isn’t a punishment. Guilt is a demand for truth. Using guilt to punish yourself will make things worse, because all it does is create a barrier between you that will solidify and harden with time. Then in 10 years everything is over anyway because no relationship can survive if you can’t bear to talk to each other. It is insanity to pursue this path. Just tell the truth.

I do think this is a generational thing. I am not sure I expect perfect fidelity in a very long marriage, however I do expect to be treated with respect. Have you never had a drunken kiss whilst in a committed relationship or allowed yourself to get intimate with an old friend ? For me neither of these are sacking offences in a long committed relationship especially if there are children involved, however I really don't want to know.

Hiddenmnetter · 30/12/2023 06:29

Ascubudr · 30/12/2023 06:22

I do think this is a generational thing. I am not sure I expect perfect fidelity in a very long marriage, however I do expect to be treated with respect. Have you never had a drunken kiss whilst in a committed relationship or allowed yourself to get intimate with an old friend ? For me neither of these are sacking offences in a long committed relationship especially if there are children involved, however I really don't want to know.

Show quote history

No I haven’t, and I wouldn’t expect my spouse to either. I agree, they’re not sacking offences, but I’m Catholic- there aren’t meant to be ANY sacking offences. Until death do us part…so honesty and trying to honestly repair the damage is always the best way.

And while you say you don’t want to know, I get that- I understand that someone may not want their world exploded: but it’s happened now. Ignoring it doesn’t help. If you don’t deem these sacking offences, but still offences, then the other party should be able to make good what they’ve done. Otherwise the rot just sets in doesn’t it? It’s like a cancer in your marriage and then what.. stay together for the kids? Why? No one can live with guilt. It burns us inside- we need relief from guilt or we are driven mad by it. The damage from that is far worse.

Always be honest.

Hiddenmnetter · 30/12/2023 06:32

Gah…can you imagine 10 years down the line getting divorced because the husband can no longer bear the distance and no explanation? He finally finds out and tells you he could have forgiven the drunken mistake, but can’t forgive 10 wasted years of loneliness and pain?

ohdamnitjanet · 30/12/2023 06:35

Don’t tell him. It was a mistake, a one night stand, not an affair. You obviously know it was a mistake and won’t do it again. You won’t always feel this awful, that will pass. Don’t make him miserable as well if you don’t have to, he will never trust you again, even if it doesn’t end your marriage. And yes, I would say the same to a man. Despite what all the perfect people say, it’s not the worst thing in the world, and happens to far more people than you would ever realise. Stop beating yourself up and move on.

Ascubudr · 30/12/2023 06:46

Hiddenmnetter · 30/12/2023 06:32

Gah…can you imagine 10 years down the line getting divorced because the husband can no longer bear the distance and no explanation? He finally finds out and tells you he could have forgiven the drunken mistake, but can’t forgive 10 wasted years of loneliness and pain?

A divorce for a 10 yo ONS ? mumsnet is a strange place ?

Hiddenmnetter · 30/12/2023 06:49

Ascubudr · 30/12/2023 06:46

A divorce for a 10 yo ONS ? mumsnet is a strange place ?

Show quote history

I don’t mean for a ONS- I mean that the guilt of such things causes people to isolate themselves. Guilt isn’t a good thing, it’s a terrible and heavy thing. That the divorce happens 10 years later because in our guilt we can’t communicate. How do you relate to someone, how do you look them in the eye and have real affection and love for them, if you have it all concealed behind a wall of guilt. After 10 years of silence and confusion I could well imagine someone might want to leave. This would be far worse than a ONS.

Highlighta · 30/12/2023 06:58

This will blow up your marriage, your dhs life and affect your DC. For a few hours laspse in judgment.

I wouldn't say anything BUT, what are the chances of this happening again when you see the chap the next time?

If you meet up with him again, then I'm sorry that is an affair. You have had a ONS, I assume you have no emotional ties to this OM. If you want to hook up again and do have an emotional connection, then it's an affair.

There is a big difference here, so your response to these depends on whether you tell him or not.

What do you think his informed decision is likely to be? Would you rather the punishment come from your DH for your actions, as you do not want to live in silence with what you have done? Keeping that a secret must be quite torturous I agree.

Ascubudr · 30/12/2023 07:04

Hiddenmnetter · 30/12/2023 06:49

I don’t mean for a ONS- I mean that the guilt of such things causes people to isolate themselves. Guilt isn’t a good thing, it’s a terrible and heavy thing. That the divorce happens 10 years later because in our guilt we can’t communicate. How do you relate to someone, how do you look them in the eye and have real affection and love for them, if you have it all concealed behind a wall of guilt. After 10 years of silence and confusion I could well imagine someone might want to leave. This would be far worse than a ONS.

Show quote history

Ok then 10 years of guilt for a ONS ? still totally disproportionate. Chalk it up to experience and move on. Only tell if specifically asked. Lighten up people.

margotrose · 30/12/2023 07:34

App13 · 29/12/2023 20:06

If you want your marriage to work, and tell dh , he no doubt will think he's got a free ticket to ride to make things even.

It will never be the same again

It will never be the same again anyway.

margotrose · 30/12/2023 07:36

All these people saying "don't tell him because it will change your marriage forever" - it's a bit bloody late for that.

Even if he never finds out, OP's behaviour will never be the same again, no matter how much she convinces herself she's acting normally.

Hiddenmnetter · 30/12/2023 08:07

Ascubudr · 30/12/2023 07:04

Ok then 10 years of guilt for a ONS ? still totally disproportionate. Chalk it up to experience and move on. Only tell if specifically asked. Lighten up people.

Show quote history

I don’t know of any way to assuage guilt other than to confess your wrongdoing. If you do nothing to resolve it, then yes, 10 years, 50 years. All for one stupid mistake. Better by far to confess and make amends. Everyone makes mistakes, but it’s a callous person who can ignore the protestations of conscience. Like the furies, the conscience starts by demanding payment, and if it isn’t satisfied demands more and more. Humans are not made to live with guilt.

Rocknrollstar · 30/12/2023 08:20

Do not tell your husband, He does not need to know. You have to live with the guilt and telling him will not make you feel any better. Remember how you feel and don’t stray again. Was that one night worth destroying your family and life for?

perfectcolourfound · 30/12/2023 08:34

I'm staggered at the number of people saying you shouldn't tell your DH and should continue to lie to him for the rest of your life.

Honesty and trust are at the centre of any healthy relationship. If you keep this from him, you have stopped being honest and he would be wrong to trust you. You will know it, and things will have changed forever. One day he might find out and feel cheated of years when he could have been making decisions informed by facts. Even if he doesn't find out, it doesn't make it OK.

I am confident that if a man had asked this question, the responses would have been different.

We all deserve the truth. We shouldn't get to withhold important information from our OH. It shouldn't be just up to the op to decide what happens next in the relationship. The DH has as much right to an opinion (and more right in t his case, as he's the wronged partner).

C1N1C · 30/12/2023 08:40

Great example women are setting in here...

Summonedbybees · 30/12/2023 08:42

I find the double standards on MN hard to stomach. Women according to many posters, have a free pass to behave in any way they wish, never have to deal with the consequences. Men don't appear to be given the same respect or rights as women.
Next time a woman complains that her husband is cheating, I will link to this thread to show that many MN posters seem to suggest cheating is ok as long as your partner doesn't find out.

bungletru · 30/12/2023 08:44

i Was going to say tell him and rid yourself of guilt but after reading the other posts I thought, the amount of people who say don’t tell..makes me think a lot people probably cheat. Heck, he might’ve cheated on you and never told you.

no sorry. Not helpful.

We do these things because we’re not happy, your marriage clearly needs work. Tell him, work it out in therapy, but things will never be the same im afraid. Best of luck

Ascubudr · 30/12/2023 08:55

Summonedbybees · 30/12/2023 08:42

I find the double standards on MN hard to stomach. Women according to many posters, have a free pass to behave in any way they wish, never have to deal with the consequences. Men don't appear to be given the same respect or rights as women.
Next time a woman complains that her husband is cheating, I will link to this thread to show that many MN posters seem to suggest cheating is ok as long as your partner doesn't find out.

Nobody is saying that it is one drunken shag, the idea that this will ruin your marriage and life is frankly bizzare to me. Yes not ideal obviously real reflection as to he reasons behind it is needed. But not a game changer for me.

Athena1984 · 30/12/2023 08:56

Summonedbybees · 30/12/2023 08:42

I find the double standards on MN hard to stomach. Women according to many posters, have a free pass to behave in any way they wish, never have to deal with the consequences. Men don't appear to be given the same respect or rights as women.
Next time a woman complains that her husband is cheating, I will link to this thread to show that many MN posters seem to suggest cheating is ok as long as your partner doesn't find out.

Well said ⬆️

Summonedbybees · 30/12/2023 09:14

@Ascubudr . If a poster worries that her husband kissed a colleague and there are hordes of posters telling her to leave him because he is disrespecting her, please add your opinion to the thread that it nothing and should be ignored. A young female poster confessed recently to be horrified by the double standards on MN with regard to men and women. I think her views are shared by so many posters who think that these double standards on MN lessen the moral high ground that so many posters profess to adopt.

C1N1C · 30/12/2023 09:18

For the record, just counted:

Roughly 50/120 have said don't tell.

Roughly 20 or so are 'non-committal' posts without a firm opinion.

So roughly 50% of all women in here are don't tell.

Bravo.

TR888 · 30/12/2023 09:20

Personally, in your circumstances, if I was your husband I wouldn't want to know. Have you considered he might feel like that too?

To answer your question, if you do really want to tell him, you'll just have to sit down with him at a time you're unlikely to be interrupted, and tell him. Straight away. Make it as direct, factual and brief as you can, and be prepared for answering his questions.

Susieb2023 · 30/12/2023 09:22

I do wish people wouldn’t minimise one night stands and advise keeping your mouth shut. This is about informed sexual consent and right to personal agency (as a couple of posters have said). The husband deserves to know, whether you personally wouldn’t is irrelevant. For the relationship to be open and transparent and to move forward in a healthy way the OP has to tell him. I believe she knows that.

With respect ‘think of the children’ is something the OP should have done way before she slept with this man.

I’m also aghast at the sheer amount of ignorance around affairs and cheating on here. It’s absolutely possible that happy relationships can have cheating involved as cheating is about voids and needs (often for external validation) in the cheat alone, nothing to do with whether they are ‘happy’. The OP has not once alluded to being unhappy or not loving her husband who she describes as ‘lovely’. She simply at that moment wanted more.

OP I am reconciled after my husbands affair so I do think people can move past this but we both went all in to repair the damage his affair had done, and he has worked hard to grow the f up and not seek ego kibbles and validation outside his family unit.

It is not necessarily a death sentence BUT it does need to be his choice. I think people can do terrible things but it’s their response in light of that that is indicative of who they are!

EezyOozy · 30/12/2023 09:23

Get an STD test

Flamintula · 30/12/2023 09:25

C1N1C · 30/12/2023 09:18

For the record, just counted:

Roughly 50/120 have said don't tell.

Roughly 20 or so are 'non-committal' posts without a firm opinion.

So roughly 50% of all women in here are don't tell.

Bravo.

This is probably a fairly accurate representation of the population as a whole. I don't know where the horror at all these women saying they won't tell comes from, either. And they're probably not the same ones you would find on a thread about a man doing the same.

I'm like other pp; I've been married a long time and have seen lots of marriages. I don't think a ons warrants the end of a marriage. There are worse behaviours people tolerate for years. But then, I think monogamy is a social construct from an earlier time and that many people struggle with it over a long period.

Ladolcevita233 · 30/12/2023 09:30

I don't think a ons warrants the end of a marriage.

That would be for op's husband to decide.

Not her.

If you agreed to a monogamous relationship and it's no longer monogamous; you have changed the fundamental "contract" and the other party to the contract needs to know. If you don't disclose it, you're now a fraudster.

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