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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to confess to cheating

168 replies

Beatlejooz · 29/12/2023 19:46

Hi, I’m a 44 year old married woman. 2 kids and a lovely husband.

Over the last year I have been taking part in a course of part of my job. This has involved me attending residentials for two nights on about five occasions over the course of this year

The sessions are a combination of class based learning, but also some outdoor tasks for confidence building etc

We all got to know the instructors are really well. One of the instructors was a 29-year-old man who we will call Ben. Ben was funny flirty and popular. I will admit that I felt a hint of physical attraction when I first met him.

We had our last residential about three weeks ago and on the last night we all went out drinking into town. Ben and the other instructors joined us. I ended up sleeping with Ben that night in my room. We had sex and immediately regretted it. I’ve never cheated before.

I know I’ve ruined my marriage and that dh has to be told. How do I do this though? How do I tell him what I’ve done?

OP posts:
Lovemusic82 · 29/12/2023 20:40

I am in the “don’t tell him” camp 😬

As long as no one else knows he’s unlikely to ever find out.

I don strongly believe that people don’t cheat on someone they truly love, maybe it’s a sign that your marriage is on the rocks? Or you no longer feel the same about your DH?

I almost cheated on my dh (now ex), I really wanted too. It made me realise that me and dh were over and we did split. I realised that I didn’t have the same feelings for dh anymore, the excitement had gone a long time ago and I wanted to feel that again with someone else. I believe if I had still been in love with dh I wouldn’t have wanted to cheat on him.

ActDottie · 29/12/2023 20:45

BeaRF75 · 29/12/2023 19:49

He absolutely does NOT have to be told! Just forget the other guy, and get on with your life.

Omg!!! He deserves to know. I can’t imagine not telling my husband of I cheated.

yhk · 29/12/2023 20:46

Please don't let these people advising you to keep quiet turn your head. You know it's not fair for you to make your husband live a lie.

The best way to tell him would be based on how he is likely to react. Will he be upset? Flip his lid?

Stay strong. You're doing the right thing.

Siha345 · 29/12/2023 20:46

Tell him. You wouldn’t have done this if you were happy in your marriage. Give your DH a chance to decide whether he wants to work on the marriage or be with someone loyal

Nitsnitsnits · 29/12/2023 20:47

I’m not judging at all as I’ve been both the cheater and the person cheated on in the past, but in my opinion I’m really sorry but there’s no way this doesn’t negatively affect your marriage. If you tell him, even if he decides to stay, it’s always going to be there. He’s not going to trust you, not just in terms of sexual faithfulness but in terms of being capable of causing him serious emotional damage. If you don’t tell, it’s always going to be hanging over your head and getting in the way of you feeling an honest connection with him. Plus people tend to cheat for a reason, even if they aren’t consciously aware of it. If I had my time again, I wouldn’t stick around after I or someone else had cheated. It’s better for both people to have the chance at a healthy relationship with other people than to stay in something that’s damaged. I’m really sorry for you both, OP, it’s grim when one mistake has such far reaching implications - I hope you are ok.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2023 20:51

Before you tell him, and yes you should tell him, work out why it happened.

Are you bored, unhappy, having a mid-life crisis, unsatisfied? These things don't happen in happy, fulfilled marriages. Someone attractive and younger flirted with me a lot recently. I went home, told DH as a funny anecdote and avoided going back to the place.

Lizzbear · 29/12/2023 20:52

Think it through and list the pros and cons of telling him.
I'm wondering who will actually benefit if you do.

Usernamechange1234 · 29/12/2023 20:54

This thread is unreal!

If you found out your husband had slept with someone and kept it from you, you’d honestly feel that it was fine that he’d not told you because he was ‘guilty forever and that was his punishment’ - don’t talk nonsense.

In that time you could have agreed to another baby that HE wanted, spent your inheritance on HIS business, moved away for his work, developed an STI, among many many examples large decisions you’d have made differently if you’d known and you’d be ok with that. I know I wouldn’t!

MMmomDD · 29/12/2023 20:56

@Beatlejooz
If you are actually unhappy in the marriage and were thinking of separating - then tell him and get on with it.

But if you know it was a mistake and you know in your heart you won’t do it again - pull yourself together and stop wanting to share your pain. Let it be your own punishment.

Don’t be naively following - ‘he deserves to know’ mantra…
Why? So he can share your pain? To absolve your conscience by making him miserable???

People say - so he can decide. But in reality - this brings only pain. He doesn’t want to be deciding anything if he is happy in the marriage. He does not want to be faced with pain of a stupid mistake you made.
Many people actually in this situation say - i wish i didn’t know.
Only people who deal with theoreticals say - bring on the suffering.
And then - of course - there are the kids who don’t need any of this.

So - stop trying to absolve your pain by spreading it. Use it to be a better wife.

TwinklingLightsEverywhere · 29/12/2023 20:57

I'm with the 'don't tell him' brigade.

If my DH had a short fling, regretted it and would never do it again I absolutely would not want to know. I love him and our family and would rather live on in ignorant bliss thank you very much.

But you need to reflect on why you did it. It wasn't the guy or the opportunity, there's something wrong that made you do it. Figure it out and fix it so you can be sure it won't happen again.

MuchTooTired · 29/12/2023 20:57

Male or female, if it were a one off in an otherwise happy and healthy relationship I’d advise to keep your mouth shut and to view your guilt as your punishment. If it were my DH I’d want him to do this, because telling me would be his guilt talking and then it becomes a problem that I then have to deal with.

Ultimately, if I knew he’d cheated it would be divorce for us. Our entire relationship and family destroyed for a one off shag. I’d much rather he kept his mouth shut tbh! An affair is massively different in my eyes, that I’d want to know about.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 29/12/2023 20:58

If you actively want to end your marriage then tell him.if not keep quiet and never ever do it again.
If my dh had a one off one night stand that was never going to be repeated, I wouldn't want to know .

Highlyflavouredgravy · 29/12/2023 20:58

MuchTooTired · 29/12/2023 20:57

Male or female, if it were a one off in an otherwise happy and healthy relationship I’d advise to keep your mouth shut and to view your guilt as your punishment. If it were my DH I’d want him to do this, because telling me would be his guilt talking and then it becomes a problem that I then have to deal with.

Ultimately, if I knew he’d cheated it would be divorce for us. Our entire relationship and family destroyed for a one off shag. I’d much rather he kept his mouth shut tbh! An affair is massively different in my eyes, that I’d want to know about.

This

ANightmareBeforeChristmas · 29/12/2023 20:59

How do you anticipate your husband reacting?

SwordToFlamethrower · 29/12/2023 21:01

If you loved your husband, then you'd tell him and face the consequences. The trust can be repaired if you tell him yourself.

Cosycover · 29/12/2023 21:01

Do you want to stay with your husband?

Growlybear83 · 29/12/2023 21:03

Good grief - if my husband had any sort of sexual encounter with anyone I would want to know, and not be made a fool of for the rest of my life! It's the one thing that would make me end my marriage regardless of the circumstances, and I know he would feel the same about me. It's one thing to cheat on your partner but another thing altogether to live a lie forever.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 29/12/2023 21:04

Before we had DC I would have wanted to know. After we had DC if it was a one off, no way I'd find out and never happening again I realised I wouldn't want to know. Unfortunately no one can tell you what he would want.

MinnieMotor · 29/12/2023 21:04

Get yourself checked out as I bet this bloke makes a habit of this!

Beentherelivedthat · 29/12/2023 21:16

If your instinct is to come clean, that’s what you need to do. A lot of people here saying they’d prefer not to know about a one off, yet I’m sure if they were to find out they’d been lied to later down the line they’d say they would have wanted to be told at the time. I’m replying because I’ve been cheated on by the man who is now my husband. I know many people will judge us both for this. But I just wanted you to know that in some cases it is possible to rebuild and recover trust if that’s what you want. The things that made me stay were his response to what happened: firstly because he told me very soon after (even with little to no chance I’d find out), which allowed me to trust that even though he’d been unfaithful he was still fundamentally honest. Secondly he suggested couple’s counselling to move through it which convinced me he was taking the situation and impact on me/us seriously. Thirdly he changed all his passwords to a new one he shared with me (this was entirely at his suggestion) so that I could always check if I needed to (never did this, just knowing it was an option was enough). This was pre kids so who knows how I’d have felt now and I can’t speak for your personal situation, only my own. But what you say about him deserving to make an informed choice is 100% correct and exactly how I felt. That you are thinking this way shows respect for him regardless of your mistake. Good luck to you whatever happens, good people do bad things sometimes - it’s what you do next that determines what kind of a person you ultimately are x

LaughingCat · 29/12/2023 21:24

Ohhhh…I fully came on here assuming from the title that the mighty wrath of Mumsnet would have piled on you. These threads usually become a mob of ‘Hussy!’ ‘Tramp’ ‘Your husband deserves better!’ and ‘Prostate yourself, beg forgiveness and when he leaves you anyway because you’ve destroyed him with your wanton ways, know that you deserved it all.’ (I’m paraphrasing).

Nicely surprised that page one (not read to page two yet), is actually mostly ‘sit down, shut up and live with your guilt’. Which is absolutely right in my opinion. If you love him, you feel genuine remorse (ie: you fully understand the enormity of your betrayal and are in anguish at the thought of how hurt he would be if he knew) and you truly wouldn’t ever do it again because it was a stupid mistake you never wanted to ever make…then that sick, roiling feeling in your stomach, that self-loathing that is always at the back of your mind, especially when you wake up at 3am and the endless guilt you feel at what you’ve done? Those are yours to bear. You will never, ever be able to take back what you’ve done and it will fucking haunt you.

However, you’re not sat on your phone, sexting random men or schtupping his mate behind his back on a regular basis. You made a mistake with one guy when alcohol got involved. I’d say the same to my OH, if he came back and decided I needed to know for some reason.

If what you’ve done doesn’t haunt you, though, then you would have to tell him because he really would deserve better.

Athena1984 · 29/12/2023 21:28

MinnieMotor · 29/12/2023 21:04

Get yourself checked out as I bet this bloke makes a habit of this!

!!!!!

Tilllly · 29/12/2023 21:30

Joonio · 29/12/2023 20:08

No way can you tell him The guilt is your punishment.

Agree with this

Draw a line under it
Get an STI check and don't ever let yourself get into this situation again

You want to tell DH to make yourself feel better

vicobarbie · 29/12/2023 21:31

I wouldn't want to know if my husband cheated on me as a once off in the circumstances you've described. I wouldn't want to have to make drastic decisions about my life and my children's lives. Don't tell him. Look forward.

musiquo · 29/12/2023 21:33

Your husband needs to know to be able to get an std check