How to confess to cheating

[Beatlejooz]

Hi, I’m a 44 year old married woman. 2 kids and a lovely husband.

Over the last year I have been taking part in a course of part of my job. This has involved me attending residentials for two nights on about five occasions over the course of this year

The sessions are a combination of class based learning, but also some outdoor tasks for confidence building etc

We all got to know the instructors are really well. One of the instructors was a 29-year-old man who we will call Ben. Ben was funny flirty and popular. I will admit that I felt a hint of physical attraction when I first met him.

We had our last residential about three weeks ago and on the last night we all went out drinking into town. Ben and the other instructors joined us. I ended up sleeping with Ben that night in my room. We had sex and immediately regretted it. I’ve never cheated before.

I know I’ve ruined my marriage and that dh has to be told. How do I do this though? How do I tell him what I’ve done?

I'm in two minds on this.

I'm usually in camp don't say if it was a a one off.

But I also think admitting to it can help rebuild trust in a marriage.

In most cases though admitting to this will end the marriage.

Hmmmm
No sign of the OP…..

Absolutely this.

Your DH has the right to know and decide for himself what to do next.

I'm appalled with the hypocritical responses on this thread, MN at its worst.

Drunken shag no one will ever find out about and never happen again? Keep quiet.

Ongoing affair? Other half needs to know.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Well this thread is fucking depressing.

Cheat on your partner? MN recommends doubling down with deception!

Be honest OP.

There are some very naive people on this thread! It's not automatic that a person should tell their spouse, regardless of whether they're male or female. Marriages have to survive all sorts of ups and downs, including infidelity. It's shocking how many people think it's OK to end a marriage because of one silly mistake.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy

😂 Username

Marriages have to survive all sorts of ups and downs, including infidelity.

You speak as though the marriage is an entity on its own or something- it's not. It's the contract between two individuals and when they agree to eg sexual exclusively and then break it; and don't tell their partner....the "marriage" isn't surviving anything.

The other partner doesn't know the full facts - in order to decide if they want to continue the marriage.

That's not the marriage surviving, that's one person being kept in the dark and not being able to make decisions with pertinent facts.

The consent is gone.
The other person didn't consent to a non exclusive sexual relationship..... And if they're not told; they're not consenting, in the true meaning of the word, to sex with their spouse, after the infidelity either.

Marriages have to survive all sorts of ups and downs, including infidelity.

They don't have to survive anything

It's shocking how many people think it's OK to end a marriage because of one silly mistake.

Well we don't know if op's husband would ..... Because he doesn't fucking know.

Anyway, some people value integrity, honesty, loyalty, equality (because that's what cheaters essentially do, act like they have rights and privileges their partner doesn't, treat them like they're not equal), believe it or not.

Some people can keep their legs together or dick in their pants when they've agreed to an exclusive, monogamous relationship and brought kids into the world with someone.

‘It's shocking how many people think it's OK to end a marriage because of one silly mistake.’

Burning the dinner is a ‘mistake’.

Sleeping with someone when you’re married isn’t just something that ‘happens’ it’s not a mistake, it’s a series of deliberate acts, starting with giving the other person the come on. It shows selfishness and entitlement at the very least. This is typical of the minimising the damage this does on this thread.

FWIW I’m I don’t think any of us in the tell them camp think the marriage should be over, we just think that’s HIS decision to make!

Wow the double standards.
But my feelings are this, her husband is screwed whatever happens and she gets off with little or any cost to herself, regardless of what she did.

She tells him , he decides to leave. There's children, he will loose financially, perhaps never recovering to the families current financial stability.

Perhaps a more fair option would be for her to leave and contribute to the children's upbringing and housing from her income and not expect anything from him to support her lifestyle.

He is told and decides to stay. Its more likely he will find out the cost to him of divorcing and taking the easy way out that does not financially destroy him. Now he resents her but stuck till there is no financial obligations. E.g. children are considered adults no longer needing parental support. Then all bets are off.

She shuts up as those have suggested, she knows she untouchable and wont do anything to try repair improve the relationship , But I bet she will watch him more looking for clues to justify her actions. He still looses.

I have been cheated on. I'd rather not have found out.

I wouldn't tell him.

This is nonsense. It was a one off. She has not complained about her relationship. If no one knows she will soon forget about and no harm is done.
And it's lose not loose!

You need to just own it. All these people saying don't tell him are selfish. He needs to get an sti check as do you!

@BeaRF75 have you been cheated on by a husband or wife and stayed married? I assume you have and class it as a silly mistake yourself to make such a broad statement. Affairs cause trauma to the betrayed. It is not to be minimised

Don't tell him . Your conscience is your punishment. Don't do it again .

So how did it go @Beatlejooz - or are you just going to mull this over for ages, which will just make it worse when you do tell him.