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Original poster

How to confess to cheating

168 replies

Beatlejooz · 29/12/2023 19:46

Hi, I’m a 44 year old married woman. 2 kids and a lovely husband.

Over the last year I have been taking part in a course of part of my job. This has involved me attending residentials for two nights on about five occasions over the course of this year

The sessions are a combination of class based learning, but also some outdoor tasks for confidence building etc

We all got to know the instructors are really well. One of the instructors was a 29-year-old man who we will call Ben. Ben was funny flirty and popular. I will admit that I felt a hint of physical attraction when I first met him.

We had our last residential about three weeks ago and on the last night we all went out drinking into town. Ben and the other instructors joined us. I ended up sleeping with Ben that night in my room. We had sex and immediately regretted it. I’ve never cheated before.

I know I’ve ruined my marriage and that dh has to be told. How do I do this though? How do I tell him what I’ve done?

OP posts:
RedRock41 · 29/12/2023 21:33

Amazed how many say don’t tell him. Your choice. Living with guilt just to avoid accountability is not a punishment it’s deliberately dishonest. I’d want to know if I’d been cheated on. If it changes everything then so be it. Each to their own but wouldn’t want to live a lie as trust is everything. Some couples can and do recover stronger after but it is a risk.

AnneValentine · 29/12/2023 21:34

janefondofu · 29/12/2023 19:52

Would you say this if a man had posted about cheating on HIS wife? Don't think so buddy.

Show quote history

I would!

strawberrysea · 29/12/2023 21:35

Get an STI test (that's not me being an arsehole, it should be standard procedure after a new sex partner) and keep quiet.

Knitgoodwoman · 29/12/2023 21:37

In this specific scenario, male or female I think I’d not say anything. No good can come from it and to be honest sustained emotional affairs (with no physical cheating), can have more of a detrimental impact.

JanglingJack · 29/12/2023 21:43

I'd have to tell him.
I'm very black and white anyway, and the anxiety the guilt would give me would be unbearable.

Truth is always best. It'll be out there and give everyone a chance to decide what they think is best for themselves/family.

You will have caused a world of pain though.

Shutupyoutart · 29/12/2023 21:51

Secrets like these never stay buried op if there's any slight chance of him finding out you need to tell him itl be better coming from you. Be honest with your husband and hope that he can forgive you. X

Blueeyedmale · 29/12/2023 21:51

I think you should be honest with him op if you really want to make it work with dh.weather he forgives you or not is another matter.sadly I couldn't forgive my ex cheating on me and getting pregnant by another man whilst I'm out working trying to provide for my family was the ultimate betrayal.

The guy she cheated on me with turned out to be a violent horrible person I take no satisfaction from that.i think honesty is always the best policy man or woman.dh has a right to know op

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 29/12/2023 21:54

Don't tell him

Northby · 29/12/2023 22:00

OP you’ve blown up your lives whether you tell him or not. You can’t hide things like this. Show him the respect of giving him honesty so he can make an informed decision. You can’t rob him of years of his life by forcing him to a lie. It’s too cruel.

Get the kids out the house for a weekend, tell him first thing Saturday morning. Don’t tell him in the evening as neither of you will sleep. Get names of marriage counsellors ready so he can see you’re committed to working it through, if he is willing. Get yourself a therapist and figure out how you made such a big mistake.

All the best, I wish you both well.

booboots · 29/12/2023 22:03

If you are a decent human being you will tell him. He has a right to know, and to be able to do what he will with that information. I was cheated on. My husband didn't tell me, the other woman found me online and gleefully told me. It was her telling me that hurt the most. I went through absolute hell, but somehow we managed to work it out and whilst it sounds like a cliché, we became stronger and better as a couple from it.

notfeeblebutPhoebe · 29/12/2023 22:09

Do not tell, Do not be super nice to him to compensate. Don't break his world. Do not wreak the home life of the kids.
You suffer in silence and get on with job and career.
Least said soonest mended.

LynetteScavo · 29/12/2023 22:10

It she were "a decent human being " she wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

You can either keep this quiet for forever, like many do. Or you can tell him, I which case, if he has any self respect that will be the end of your marriage. You will need to be prepared to move out of the family home as you are the one in the wrong. If your DH has little self respect, your relationship will never be the same. He won't respect you, or trust you anymore.

Do you really want to blow up your children and your husbands lives? Sometimes ignorance is bliss. I wouldn't want to know if I were him.

But I suspect your mind is already made up, and you're going to confess. Do it while the DC aren't there, and give some thought to the basics as to how you will live on regarding living arrangements and finances, and dealing with a very hurt and angry man.

likepeddlesonabeach · 29/12/2023 22:14

If I was your husband and it was a one off mistake I wouldn't want to know. If it was an affair, I would want to know.

If this really was a one time thing you regret and will never repeat then don't tell him. Telling him can't undo what's happened and you'll be causing him avoidable pain for no real reason other than to make yourself feel better. Get an STD test, learn from this, move on with your life.

wrigleys123 · 29/12/2023 22:17

I would keep quiet as many others have said what good can come from telling him? I read something that said often people cheat for a reason when there is something wrong in their own life or relationship so maybe try and analyse what that is and work on it.

369damnshesfine · 29/12/2023 22:19

These things have a way of getting out.

If I had any respect for my partner at all I would have to tell him before someone else does.

I would try and see if s family member could have the kids and then just tell him you need to talk and get it all out.

Do you need to see this man again?

Is it going to cause trouble for you at work if it gets found out?

LuckyCharmz · 29/12/2023 22:20

I’m in the don’t tell him camp.

Uberstar · 29/12/2023 22:20

My husband’s was shagging someone from his work for months, He eventually left me and the children for her (I still had no idea)
even after he left me, he turned me into the OW!! He was still sleeping with me (again, I had no idea, i genuinely thought he was having some kind of mid life crisis, and I thought he was staying with a “mate” from work! How fucking stupid am I?!!)
any how, she found out he was still coming to spend time with me, so she rang me to spill everything.

We had a shit ton of marriage counselling, he wanted to work things out with me, but if I’m totally honest, I wish I’d have never found out.
It made me question EVERYTHING about ME, my faults, what I’ve done, and it wasn’t me. I didn’t do anything wrong.
It’s been almost 3 years and our marriage has changed and I can’t ever fix that.
I know he regrets what happened, he can’t say sorry anymore times than
he already has, but it just doesn’t change what happened.
I love him, but I genuinely do feel so very different about him now.

starynightskys · 29/12/2023 22:21

For them that say dont tell him should be a shamed of them selfs makes me think they have all cheated.

You love your husband yet not enough to not sleep with someone else.
Dont go and blame drink for it you opened ya legs.
If your husband done it it would be a man bashing thread and LTB but because your a woman its ok.
Your a cheat and you know that.

Plus the truth always comes out the truth will always over see a lie.
You fucked up so face it like an adult.
You say you would never do it again news flash you shouldnt have done it in the first place.
Guilt is the last thing to worry over think shame every time you look at your husband and kids.
Ive got no pitty for you or your pitty party.

If it was him that told you in a few years he had a one night stand how would you feel unwanted unloved lied to second best no trust living a lie the list goes on.

featheryfancy · 29/12/2023 22:24

I’m another on the side of don’t tell.
I know this may sound contradictory but, cheating would be a line for me that once I knew had been crossed by my husband, there would be no coming back from. I couldn’t continue with him.
If he had made a one off drunken error, no one else knew, our marriage was otherwise good, and he could know he would never ever allow it to happen again, I would rather never know than allow it to completely tear our lives apart.

K8ate · 29/12/2023 22:28

Let’s be honest here. Once the cat is out of the bag, it’s difficult to put it back in.
In 99% of cases the guilt comes from the fact that the person who cheated enjoyed it. It should really be described as a guilty pleasure.
It probably is better not to tell as every time you are intimate your dh, his thoughts will likely be of you enjoying yourself with another man.

Flamintula · 29/12/2023 22:35

Don't tell him. Stick it in a part of your brain you don't visit much, then in 30 years time you probably won't remember whether it actually happened or you just fantasised about it.

If you tell him, it could be game over.

Or it could be months and months of misery while you rebuild the relationship.

Chances are, it would be game over. Just put it away.

Flamintula · 29/12/2023 22:37

And no, the truth doesn't always come out. And sometimes no one is actually hurt in the long run. It doesn't make people 'good' or 'bad'; it just makes us human. And humans are fallible.

uclpp · 29/12/2023 22:47

You have 2 kids. It isn’t just you and dh

Nobody will ever find this out. It was a one time stupid thing with no evidence. You need to live with the guilt rather than risking destroying your kids’ home and family by confessing to your dh (or anyone irl for that matter).

prioritise your kids. Don’t ever do something so silly again

lastchristmasigaveu · 29/12/2023 23:07

Flamintula · 29/12/2023 22:37

And no, the truth doesn't always come out. And sometimes no one is actually hurt in the long run. It doesn't make people 'good' or 'bad'; it just makes us human. And humans are fallible.

This !!
Cheating is a choice. But it does not make us horrible awful people who have to be completely miserable and wrote off in society. Yes it's not a nice thing but it does mean you have to be punished forever and write yourself off. Please think about mainly your drinking and putting your self in these situations.
Your husband does not need to know if you can to be more responsible with drinking and never see this man again. You are not an awful person.
Please update us!! @Beatlejooz

starynightskys · 29/12/2023 23:07

karma comes in all kinds of ways.
But you get a free pass on MN because your a woman.
For what ive read on MN over the years women cheat more than men.
Lets hope he dont go and cheat on you your feel awful and let down hey.