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Original poster

How to confess to cheating

168 replies

Beatlejooz · 29/12/2023 19:46

Hi, I’m a 44 year old married woman. 2 kids and a lovely husband.

Over the last year I have been taking part in a course of part of my job. This has involved me attending residentials for two nights on about five occasions over the course of this year

The sessions are a combination of class based learning, but also some outdoor tasks for confidence building etc

We all got to know the instructors are really well. One of the instructors was a 29-year-old man who we will call Ben. Ben was funny flirty and popular. I will admit that I felt a hint of physical attraction when I first met him.

We had our last residential about three weeks ago and on the last night we all went out drinking into town. Ben and the other instructors joined us. I ended up sleeping with Ben that night in my room. We had sex and immediately regretted it. I’ve never cheated before.

I know I’ve ruined my marriage and that dh has to be told. How do I do this though? How do I tell him what I’ve done?

OP posts:
Ladolcevita233 · 30/12/2023 09:33

The poster who said "if you tell him, he'll think he has a free ticket to ride" ..... Just lol

Well he does.

She's broken their agreement to be exclusive - doesn't matter if it's only "once".

So yes, he absolutely has a free pass to have a fuck with someone else if he wants (why does she get to, and not him?) and he also has the option of not continuing the relationship. Since he's not the one who unilaterally decided to break their agreement to be exclusive.

Porageeater · 30/12/2023 09:35

I have recently been cheated on and it was discovered rather than confessed. He says he didn’t tell me because he thought I would never find out. Had he confessed it would have been much easier for me to reconcile as a mistake but still with honesty and transparency in the relationship.

Compartmentalisation is a skill but it can lead to dishonesty with others and with yourself. The time I spent ‘living a lie’ including having sex with him does feel like my consent and agency was taken away. It is humiliating. If I had never found out I think he would have just done carried on or done it again anyway. I know you think you won’t do it again OP but human nature would suggest otherwise and you will not have given yourself or your husband the chance to e amine what may be wrong in the marriage. So I believe you should tell and live with the consequences.

Ladolcevita233 · 30/12/2023 09:39

Everyone who says don't tell - you are fundamentally saying;

"it's ok for one person to have more rights in a relationship than another person"
"it's ok for a relationship to be unfair".

We have democracy and human rights and laws (and help for victims of partner abuse (cheating is a form of abuse whether it's intended to be or not)) etc. because we don't believe that it's ok for one person to have more rights above another.

Why would it be different in personal relationships?

If it's an equal relationship and they have equal rights in it, then he needs to be told theyre no longer exclusive, ASAP.

Then he can choose what he wants to do. He has the right to full facts and to self determination.

Ladolcevita233 · 30/12/2023 09:42

Were you very drunk op?

What went through your head - that he'd never find out/you wouldn't tell him? Did you go ahead and have sex with the guy intending to deceive him, but now can't follow through on that?

Or did you actually think you'd tell him and let the chips fall where they may ..... In which case, it sounds like you don't value your relationship all that much (?)

pponk · 30/12/2023 09:44

realistically it might be the end of your marriage and child's family home. as someone who was cheated on - knowing has done nothing but cause huge distress as we had decided to stay together anyway and trust it never happened again. I wish I didn't know. only tell him if you're happy for it to break you up or if you plan on ever doing it again.

Susieb2023 · 30/12/2023 09:44

‘The time I spent ‘living a lie’ including having sex with him does feel like my consent and agency was taken away. It is humiliating.’

YEP! I was ‘lucky’ in that it took me just a couple of weeks to uncover what my husband was up to, as he’d just become a completely different person and my inner self was screaming I was unsafe. But those few weeks haunted me for a LONG time. All the small decisions I made that I wouldn’t have done if I’d known that he was cheating. I couldn’t have reconciled if we’d made major life decisions, while I was ignorant of what had happened. It alarms me that anyone thinks that’s ok!?!?

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 30/12/2023 09:46

I don't understand posters equating a ONS to an affair. When someone posts that they suspect their DH is having an affair, an ongoing relationship with someone else, then rightly so they are advised to LTB. I'd say the same if the OP here was confessing to an on-going situation with feelings. But she isn't.. it's one mistake. Don't ruin a marriage, and children's lives for a one hour mistake.

Ladolcevita233 · 30/12/2023 09:48

I don't understand posters equating a ONS to an affair

I don't understand your inability to understand that infidelity is infidelity.

And that's it's up to the victim of it to decide what level of infidelity, if any, is acceptable to them.

It's not up to any of us to decide that in this case ... the single, solitary person it's up to is the op's partner.

Ladolcevita233 · 30/12/2023 09:51

Op, to answer your question "How to confess".

As quickly as you possibly can.
As soon as you possibly can.

From a selfish point of view (as the cheater) the sooner and faster you tell; the more your partner will think that - while you didn't have the integrity not to cheat - you at least have the integrity not to be able to deceive them/not confess for long. That it's eating you up because you have some good/conscience/bond to them.

Indifferentchickenwings · 30/12/2023 09:54

I can totally see why this looks like double standards

I think (a) we believe OP that it was a genuine one off
(b) we are trusting that it won’t happen again
(c) we know that realistically the marriage and OPs husbands live will implode , which seems like a pity given that it was a one off

we are also placing a lot of trust into the OP

if she had a longer affair I suspect the answers would be different

Porageeater · 30/12/2023 09:55

I think most people embarking upon infidelity think they will not be found out and don’t allow themselves to think through the consequences. They are probably quite shit at assessing risk but very good at compartmentalising.

Notellinganyone · 30/12/2023 09:55

Absolutely don’t tell him. The fallout will be horrendous and to what end? It’s not the end of the world.

notfeeblebutPhoebe · 30/12/2023 09:58

I see the OP has not returned, but I want to add: It wasn't an affair. it was a ONS. Telling will cause huge trouble.
Stay silent.

commafullstop · 30/12/2023 09:58

Don't tell. I cheated on my ex when our baby was fairly newborn. I remember feeling absolutely horrendous and had to keep going into the bathroom to cry. I really wanted to tell him but realised I would only be doing so to relieve my own conscience. I didn't tell him and the guilt subsided. I never cheated on him again and turns out I had PND.

Zanatdy · 30/12/2023 10:00

I wouldn’t tell him either, and I say that for male or female. A long standing affair, yes he deserves to know, but a one night stand that he won’t ever find out about and you won’t repeat, then I’d keep quiet. If you tell him, be prepared that it will blow up your marriage and it may never recover.

Ladolcevita233 · 30/12/2023 10:00

Indifferentchickenwings · 30/12/2023 09:54

I can totally see why this looks like double standards

I think (a) we believe OP that it was a genuine one off
(b) we are trusting that it won’t happen again
(c) we know that realistically the marriage and OPs husbands live will implode , which seems like a pity given that it was a one off

we are also placing a lot of trust into the OP

if she had a longer affair I suspect the answers would be different

The thing is ...it's not us who has to accept op did that and trust she won't do it again .... It's her partner.

It's his call.

Anyway, If either an attached man or a woman told me that, with some alcohol and an attractive, up for it person on hand, they ended up fucking them - I can't say I'd have huge faith they wouldn't do it again.

Are they going to not drink in future?
Are they really going to learn lessons?
... One wonders why they had to learn them through fucking someone else, when plenty of ppl can "learn" them through common sense and observation and personal integrity; and they therefore exempt themselves from a situation that's going that way. Some people would heed the stop signs.

Ladolcevita233 · 30/12/2023 10:03

The lack of basic integrity displayed on this forum is kinda sickening.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 30/12/2023 10:04

This is a difficult one and depends on your relationship with your spouse.
Definitely get checked out for STIs or pregnancy and if either of those are present you need to tell DH.
If it really was meaningless and you’re clean and not prone to extreme fits of guilt, I’d say DH doesn’t need to know but you should channel the guilt into being extra good to him.
On the other hand, it could be a little indicator of problems in your marriage which you might want to think about?
It doesn’t sound super ethical, I recognise that, but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him and it may be kindest to let him go on in ignorance with some extra TLC on your side. It wasn’t the best thing anyone has ever done but you did it. The utilitarian approach which causes the least amount of hurt is the best way forward.

Indifferentchickenwings · 30/12/2023 10:12

Ladolcevita233

for me it’s practicality
their family will implode and he won’t easily forgive
no one would
and the idea of fucking up the family and kids for one drunken shag seems tragic

but are we so forgiving to a man who does this ?
no

Porageeater · 30/12/2023 10:15

Can anyone guarantee the spouse will never find out though? Or doesn’t already suspect something is ‘off’ because of nuanced changes in OP’s behaviour? I can completely understand the impulse to want to hide things from people so as not to harm them but when people find out secrets like this have been kept from them they feel extremely aggrieved, hurt and humiliated. The lies are far worse than the initial betrayal.

K8ate · 30/12/2023 10:23

Were you taken advantage of by the other man op?

Ladolcevita233 · 30/12/2023 10:24

and the idea of fucking up the family and kids for one drunken shag seems tragic

Well, it was op's choice to risk that.

It's not something that's "happened" to her family, it's something she's chosen to do to her family.

It's not right to take away her partner's rights in a relationship, in any circumstances. And he has the right to know they are no longer exclusive/monogamous.

Their security can't be bought by his sacrifice, without his consent.

He has the right to facts, consent, and agency in his own life.

Ladolcevita233 · 30/12/2023 10:27

when people find out secrets like this have been kept from them they feel extremely aggrieved, hurt and humiliated. The lies are far worse than the initial betrayal.

Yep.

That's why the telling him needs to happen as soon as possible.

He may forgive it.

But ateotd, it's his choice.

Op made her choices, he gets to make his.

ballytravlr · 30/12/2023 10:46

starynightskys · 29/12/2023 23:07

karma comes in all kinds of ways.
But you get a free pass on MN because your a woman.
For what ive read on MN over the years women cheat more than men.
Lets hope he dont go and cheat on you your feel awful and let down hey.

Could it be because the vast majority of posters are women?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2023 10:59

Summonedbybees · 30/12/2023 08:42

I find the double standards on MN hard to stomach. Women according to many posters, have a free pass to behave in any way they wish, never have to deal with the consequences. Men don't appear to be given the same respect or rights as women.
Next time a woman complains that her husband is cheating, I will link to this thread to show that many MN posters seem to suggest cheating is ok as long as your partner doesn't find out.

Very well said

Yes it'll be skewed because the site's mainly women, but not all of us are deceitful or the type to take agency away from someone else

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