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Original poster

How to confess to cheating

168 replies

Beatlejooz · 29/12/2023 19:46

Hi, I’m a 44 year old married woman. 2 kids and a lovely husband.

Over the last year I have been taking part in a course of part of my job. This has involved me attending residentials for two nights on about five occasions over the course of this year

The sessions are a combination of class based learning, but also some outdoor tasks for confidence building etc

We all got to know the instructors are really well. One of the instructors was a 29-year-old man who we will call Ben. Ben was funny flirty and popular. I will admit that I felt a hint of physical attraction when I first met him.

We had our last residential about three weeks ago and on the last night we all went out drinking into town. Ben and the other instructors joined us. I ended up sleeping with Ben that night in my room. We had sex and immediately regretted it. I’ve never cheated before.

I know I’ve ruined my marriage and that dh has to be told. How do I do this though? How do I tell him what I’ve done?

OP posts:
VanillaImpulse · 29/12/2023 23:21

If you do tell then your husband will never look at you in the same way again.
I'd keep it to yourself rather than ruin so many lives. The guilt will be bad but if you can compartmentalise it as it's for the greater good. Make it up to him and be the prefect wife from now on.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 29/12/2023 23:26

Telling him can do no good, assuming it will never happen again. He'll not only know you've cheated but his life as he knows it will be over. Not telling him doesn't change what you've done or excuse it but will save him from both of those things.

byteme1011 · 29/12/2023 23:29

I would tell him but it's your decision, we don't know you or your relationship, personally I'd forgive being cheated on but the lie/the cover I couldn't forgive

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/12/2023 23:33

The usual MN double standards are especially glaring on this one, but those insisting DH won't find out seem to forget this happened at a group event with drink involved, and that there's every chance the instructors brag to each other about "who they've laid" this time round

Given all this I'd frankly be more surprised if he didn't find out, so why not gather what's left of your integrity and tell him youself?

Malarandras · 29/12/2023 23:40

I find it hard to believe so many people think it is OK not to tell the husband. In what world does he not have a right to know? Would you be happy living a lie? That’s what it is now, things have changed whether he knows it or not. And when the truth outs, as it so often has a way of doing many years later? How is the husband supposed to feel then?

Indifferentchickenwings · 29/12/2023 23:43

I’d sit with it for a while longer

I’ve read the pain of women who’s partners cheated on them and it’s brutal

if this isn’t a pattern and won’t ever be repeated. I’d be very careful as this will really put a bomb into the whole family

but are you clear this won’t happen again ?

BarbedButterfly · 29/12/2023 23:47

I am surprised by these replies. You should tell him so he can make his own choice and I would want to know so I could leave

Opentooffers · 29/12/2023 23:49

Your choice is to either live with the guilt and carry on with family life and be as kind as possible, or still have the guilt but on top of that have it further compounded by watching your DC's and your DH's lives change forever and seeing the hurt youve caused. Do you think, the guilt gets better by others knowing? Think again, it will get worse.
But, be honest with yourself, were you really all that happy in the first place to do that? If the answer really is yes, then say nothing. But if there were problems, either work on them or split for those reasons. You can split without making it about the ONS you had.

uclpp · 30/12/2023 00:00

Malarandras · 29/12/2023 23:40

I find it hard to believe so many people think it is OK not to tell the husband. In what world does he not have a right to know? Would you be happy living a lie? That’s what it is now, things have changed whether he knows it or not. And when the truth outs, as it so often has a way of doing many years later? How is the husband supposed to feel then?

It isn’t ok not to tell dh. It’s the least bad option, considering that they have children at home.

Ifitaintgotnoswing · 30/12/2023 00:04

Pandora’s box and all that…
So OP, say you dont tell DH, couple of years down the line, guilt has worn off, what are the chances of a repeat performance?
DB is a divorce lawyer and often says the infidelity that ends a marriage is far more often than not just the 1st the spouse finds out about.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 30/12/2023 00:09

I'd want to know I'm afraid. I certainly wouldn't want to find out years down the line because something slipped out then... I'd feel utterly cheated then.

Yes, I'd be hurt when finding out but better to be told honestly than live a lie or find out inadvertently at a later date and then feel like my entire marriage had been a lie.

TheWillowTrees · 30/12/2023 00:10

Don’t tell. Don’t destroy all your lives over something so stupid. Work on your marriage, self-control and self-esteem-this is a wake up call.

Observatusapluribusofficinis1 · 30/12/2023 00:28

@Beatlejooz why confess for a one night stand ? if it was me, then its a secret and for the greater good of the marriage then its one that does not needed discussing

Spomsored · 30/12/2023 00:30

My partner told me he had been unfaithful because he thought living with the guilt would destroy us. Perhaps he was right. We're still together many years later but I still rage inwardly at his selfishness in giving me pain to ease his. And I deeply regret some of my behaviour afterwards (for which I also blame him). I have never been glad he told me.

buckeejit · 30/12/2023 00:33

Hmm, I think you need to sit with it a while longer too. If you can be honest with why you did it - surely you were thinking I'm cheating while doing so - it wasn't just a split second decision but it felt worth it at the time? Maybe your subconscious is looking at ways to sabotage your marriage. Try to examine if you're actually happy. If you really are & have no intention of doing it again, I'd probably keep it to myself if I could. I'm not sure I could though. Good luck

prh47bridge · 30/12/2023 00:34

Beatlejooz · 29/12/2023 19:51

I feel like he has the right to make an informed decision.

Show quote history

If you were my wife, I would not want to know.

If she was repeatedly unfaithful, I would want to know.

If she had an affair, I would want to know.

If she had picked up an STI and might have passed it on to me, I would want to know.

But an isolated incident which isn't going to be repeated, I would not want to know.

ditalini · 30/12/2023 00:38

If you were my h then I'd hate you for telling me.

Two opportunities for my life not to implode: first removed when you chose to cheat and second removed when you chose to pass on your shitty guilty feelings so I could "choose" what I wanted to do.

What if my choice was not to know?

WesleyNeverDies · 30/12/2023 01:01

Know what you want before you start the conversation, as to whether you want to save your marriage or not. If you want to save it, be prepared to answer any questions he might have, be prepared for anything he might want in terms of time and space, counselling, for you to move out (hopefully temporarily).

Don't expect him to be able to process it immediately, and it's probably better not to talk about forgiveness in the first conversation. You've had time to think about this and approach the conversation, he won't have had any of that and will need that time. He shouldn't feel under any pressure to react a certain way or forgive you anytime soon.

I'd say don't expect anything good from this first conversation. The goal is just to tell him. Rebuilding, making a plan, processing feelings will all be a process over many future conversations, so take it one step and one conversation at a time.

Namchanged · 30/12/2023 01:03

Check you’re not pregnant first

OkImListening · 30/12/2023 05:45

MMmomDD · 29/12/2023 20:56

@Beatlejooz
If you are actually unhappy in the marriage and were thinking of separating - then tell him and get on with it.

But if you know it was a mistake and you know in your heart you won’t do it again - pull yourself together and stop wanting to share your pain. Let it be your own punishment.

Don’t be naively following - ‘he deserves to know’ mantra…
Why? So he can share your pain? To absolve your conscience by making him miserable???

People say - so he can decide. But in reality - this brings only pain. He doesn’t want to be deciding anything if he is happy in the marriage. He does not want to be faced with pain of a stupid mistake you made.
Many people actually in this situation say - i wish i didn’t know.
Only people who deal with theoreticals say - bring on the suffering.
And then - of course - there are the kids who don’t need any of this.

So - stop trying to absolve your pain by spreading it. Use it to be a better wife.

⬆️ this

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2023 06:00

He doesn’t want to be deciding anything if he is happy in the marriage.

Bullshit. She doesn't get to decide if he's happy, content, willing to continue, invested. I think cheating and lying removes consent. If you know, with some certainty, that you are withholding information that would cause someone not to continue a sexual relationship with you, and you continue to have sex with them... that's not full, free and informed consent.

She doesn't know if he's madly in love with his coworker and has resisted just because he believes in his marriage. Forsaking all others. While she's bonking this idiot.

You don't get to decide consent for someone else.

It's so weird to be on this 'side'. Normally I get accused of misandry and toxicity feminism and all sorts. I feel weird being #TeamHusband.

WickDittington · 30/12/2023 06:04

Beatlejooz · 29/12/2023 19:51

I feel like he has the right to make an informed decision.

Show quote history

No, you’re just looking for a way of offloading your guilt onto your husband. it’s the coward’s way.

Do you want your marriage to end? Are you looking for a way out? If so, own up to this. Nota drunken one-night stand (which sounds like you were the fool - “Ben” must have been laughing all the way home).

Otherwise, this is your fuck up and no way should you spill the load onto your husband.

Ascubudr · 30/12/2023 06:14

OkImListening · 30/12/2023 05:45

⬆️ this

Show quote history

Yes this. I wonder how old all these " he has a right to know" posters are. What goes on tour stays on tour.

I don't want to know ( but I do expect safe sex).

Hiddenmnetter · 30/12/2023 06:16

I don’t understand how people can carry on living as though they love their spouse when they’ve done something so hurtful. I mean, that’s the point of being honest and saying sorry. I agree this is a hell of a thing to say sorry about, but I don’t get how you could look at your husband or wife again if you cheat- there’s no “keep it quiet let the guilt be your punishment”. You’ll start to resent them for your guilt!

Be brave, be honest. Tell the truth, and beg for mercy. If you both want it to work it can recover, but one party being wracked by guilt when they’re near you…imagine your husband, feeling your distance and confused by it, buys you flowers and tries to talk to you. All this does is make your stomach boil with guilt, you can’t bear to look at or talk to him. In desperation to not let him know, you have sex, but then the next day go back to being distant because proximity makes you feel sick with remorse.

He will feel worse then- he won’t be able to understand. Guilt isn’t a punishment. Guilt is a demand for truth. Using guilt to punish yourself will make things worse, because all it does is create a barrier between you that will solidify and harden with time. Then in 10 years everything is over anyway because no relationship can survive if you can’t bear to talk to each other. It is insanity to pursue this path. Just tell the truth.

cuckyplunt · 30/12/2023 06:20

Please don’t tell him, those poor children!