He just said if I eat anymore I won't be able to fit through the door.

[Mumtogirlss]

Just that. I feel a bit shocked. We have had arguments before. We have been together a decade but tonight he said out of nowhere in a disagreement, that if I eat anymore I won't be able to fit through the door. It's Christmas holidays I have been eating more indulging but I'm not over weight not in perfect shape though had two kids not long ago I'm no super model body but I wear a size ten to twelve and taller than average. I now feel disgusting and he is saying he just said it in heat of the moment as I was suggesting he stops drinking so much as it's been a problem the past few months which makes him act irrational at times over small things.

He really has a hatred for over weight people so this really cuts deep. He sees anyone as over weight as lazy and doesn't believe someone could be over weight due to health issues or anything. I have two young daughters and I worry one day his view will affect them he will get them to chant fatty bom bom and stuff like that which I have told him is completely unacceptable.

It may seem silly it was just words but it's really got to me tonight he called me other things too but this is the first time he has said things about my body. I used to have an ED in my teens which I think also isn't helping with my mindset. Sorry for the ramble I feel embarrassed to tell anyone else right now.

He's not prepared to be accountable for anything. You "attacked" his alcohol consumption (his view) so he immediately went to what be believes is a weak point for you. Taken separately his weaknesses aren't that bad but looking at him as the whole package my opinion is that he's a toxic person bringing few, if any positive attributes to your family dynamic. It might cause you some distress in the short term but I would encourage you to find the courage to get away from him for yours and your daughters' sakes. No doubt you will be added to his list of "psycho" exes but you know the truth of it and so will most other people.
I heard this same tale from both my daughters at the start of various relationships, they eventually realised who the "psycho" really had been. Wishing you strength and future happiness x

Just be kind to yourself. Try reading books on mindful self compassion. It sounds dopey but it can be really useful. No one can tell you “one weird trick” for getting over such a hurtful betrayal within such an intimate snd sacred bond—because there isn’t one. Not that you are asking for one but often the people around us are eager for us to just “get over it” because our sadness is so hard for them to take.

But this sadness and sense of betrayal and loss is part of the human condition. So a lot of people share this experience with you snd have walked this path—even literally are walking ahead of you while you are walking the dog. Somewhere ahead of you is a future you who has left behind the betrayal and insult of your ex but that future you has your lovely children, your internal fortitude, your hard win wisdom, your loving nature, your sense of humor! She will look back on this time fondly, sadly, with a shake of her head. It will just be a tiny part of what I hope will be a wonderful life.

Yeah I think that whole 'having breakdowns' nonsense he's claiming is just standard abuser bullshit. Attention Attention Attention me me me. Trying to look like the injured party or like some poor contrite man. The nursery drama just further confirms that.

Therapy is potentially a risk. They say never to go with an abuser. Though perhaps as its just to have a 3rd party to mediate the separation it'll be OK. It's really 50/50 though. He could get them on side thinking he's mister put-upon and then you'll feel its 2 against 1. You have to be very clear you are 'only there to discuss how things will work moving forwards. The relationship is over but we can work out the practicalities'.

Tbh...I'd be doing this at a solicitors office not therapists though. I wouldn't want to be anywhere talking about emotions with this asshole.

As for the house, I hope and pray he signs it over to you. I'd get that done before the therapy. As a session there where he feels he isn't getting his way, could make him swing away from giving you the house. Out of spite.

As prior posters have said, life will get easier.

Its always scary to be newly single. But in time you learn to appreciate the peace. As for other men, well they aren't relevant right now because you have healing from his abuse to do. Maybe 18 months down the line, once you've divorced and done the freedom programme/read up lots on how to spot abuse you will be in a position to date again (assuming you haven't become addicted to the peace of singlehood). Youll feel ready. Even then, no reason they have to come to your home. They can just be company you see on childfree days. In the mean time maybe get a pet to cuddle and concentrate on making some good friends. It can feel lonely when everything is still raw but that will settle.

Once the house is yours, you'd be wise to sell iit and move or at the very least, change all of the locks and get a camera doorbell.

I agree with the poster saying therapy and mediation WITH an abusive partner or ex partner is not advised. I missed you saying about that coming up! Please be cautious on that one. I'd not advise it, but if you do and it's purely to discuss sorting the house over to you then do so, but with your eyes open that abusers are master manipulators.

You described earlier in the thread how much people like him. My Dad was like this, everyone liked him, but it was a surface persona, a mask that they liked, not the real him. My mum's divorce solicitor commented how charming he was (knowing my mum's side of how abusive he was), and when he was convicted of child sexual abuse none of his colleagues believed it!!

YOU know he isn't a good person. He's an abusive alcoholic and always will be. THAT'S who he is. Who he will always be. Losing this relationship is a prize. Being single should be celebrated in comparison with being with this drunk who encourages his daughters to chant horrid things at larger sized people.

PS: I'll eat my hat if he actually signs the house over completely. Cynical ..... Yep, that's me. 🤷

I will keep coming back to this thread with what happens over the next few weeks. He's adamant he will as that's what he believes is best for the kids so I think if he changes his mind on what's best for me he will at least stick to it for the kids.

The therapy session is for that. He has not once waiver, reached our first or has said he wants to come back and work on things he has been adamant since he left. He has moved on emotionally anyway at the least. He keeps saying he wants me to meet someone that can make me happy.

I just hope he actually works on his issues and doesn't put the blame solely on me and the relationship. I worry he will turn to drink but it's not my problem anymore.

He has been a mess I don't think the crying is some sort of game he genuinely sounds like he's having a break down and has not been one to show emotion like that in the relationship we had but this is over our children which is understandable I am there too.

I'm just worried I won't be able to support myself financially and I don't want him to have to. I want a life for myself and my girls where he isn't a bit part in mine anymore.

I have a business but it's a product based business it's not a guarantee and I just feel sick about my future and knowing what I should do now.

I had a friend today basically say they can't speak to me as have enough on their plate and I just feel like shit that I am not keeping it together today.

He does sound very unpleasant.
But the solution doesn't always have to be to leave the relationship. You could try couples therapy first.
Unfortunately on MN you don't really get good relationship advice - just "LTB".

Oops sorry didn't read your later replies

So it's supposed to be the therapy session tomorrow. I think I might just take it for myself. He hasn't asked for the address yet and not been in touch and if I call him the phone calls are horrible or him basically sounding and saying how well he is doing now like he's completely moved on. He only wants to go to tell his side of the storey as he says and to confirm splitting etc which I don't need. I don't want the humiliation in front of a third party.

I'm upset he hasn't wanted to speak to me in person and has no plans too. That has to be my closure..

Part of me thinks what's the point? We have the new arrangement in place which works okay and can't see why that won't going forward. What is there to talk about?
Sure in the future for the kids going forward but right now I'm not doing okay. He's currently seeing a life coach and waiting for therapy for himself too.

The couple therapy is with a therapist I saw by myself last year when the cheating came up. Obviously I can't see her and do couple sessions.
I haven't got anything for myself booked and she's just around the corner. I tried a few other therapists and all have waiting lists or haven't got back to me. I don't really have anyone in my life to talk to a part from a few friends which I am trying not to overload with it all.

He is at his mum's with his siblings and has a lot more support around him and work to distract himself.

I don't think I need closure anymore I just think seeing him tomorrow will just make me feel awful. I don't want to hear that his has another women dropped on me or how I didn't clean enough etc. Non of that is going to help me mentally or needed now.

Should I just go by myself? My life has been completely turned upside yet his life is fine and on the days he has the girls his mum and people are helping too. It just seems like such a raw end of the deal for me. I'm stuck in this house which is full of memories and then work from home it's suffocating even though it is more peaceful for my girls. Sorry I am rambling I know it's about my girls that's important and I need to just keep it together. I find something can trigger me and set me off and I feel that's what tomorrow would do to me right now and I have so much work to catch up on.

Yeah I'd just go yourself, might as well use the time as you probably would still have to pay if you cancelled it now.

Assuming he won't just turn up, I'd go.

Hopefully he's forgotten. But if he creates some drama about not telling him when it was you can just say the therapist cancelled last minute so it never happened.

Say no to future therapy with him. 'Nah, don't see the point anymore. We're over afterall'. Amd then just 'no, I won't be doing that' if he persists.

Yeah you're right. To begin with the couple therapy sounded like a last chance to work on things or for him to be accountable at least which I thought I needed for closure. But now I know it will be just a place where he just tells me why he doesn't want me and I don't think I need that. Whilst he will also keep denying the abuse he has put me through.

I reached out to his brother's ex, she is about to have a baby and turns out his brother treated her very similar to how my ex treated me. She has been completely cut off by him and his family and now having the baby with her family over the other side of the world. She was with him for 12 years. Men can be so awful.

It's been nice to have someone that can relate. She told me she had to apologise to me as she remembers me when one of our girls was a baby and my ex pushing the pram into me when he was annoyed. I have no memory of that but goes to show other people noticed things weren't okay.

Yeah its not a men thing, it's an abuser thing. Seems like men in his family are all similar though.

Thats nice you have someone to talk to. And you're children will be cousins too :)
Hopefully you can stay in touch with her.
Maybe one day when the kids are more grown, you and her and your little families can holiday together and stuff. Maybe that's just wishful daydreaming though.

Yeah I think he would have used therapy as a stick to beat you with. Hopefully he fucks the fuck off and stops with his bs and just sticks to your arrangement as is. Won't hold my breath of course.

Yeah, we actually planning on going on holiday together later this year so you're right there! An it's nice to know we both aren't 'crazy' 🤣

Yeah I believe it purely is to make him feel better and I don't see how I need to hear how I'm awful in ten different ways right now.

You don’t need to “hear how you are awful” and don’t need to defend the proposition to anyone. You are not his chew toy. Absolutely go see the therapist alone and tell her that you would like to use the session to process the split and the abuse. It is not your intention, snd it would not be appropriate, to spend time in a session with your abuser. I’m sure an experienced couples therapist will have had the experience of having to split the session and take one party aside and tell them they should not continue the work of reconciliation because it is unsafe.

Honestly, I'd get rid of him. He's disgusting. I wouldn't have him anywhere near my kids or me.

Thank you. Yeah I honestly agree, as we have the new childcare arrangement in place there is no need to even see him and why hear what he has to say when he hasn't wanted to speak to me in weeks. It just feel like he wants to put on a show. I just can't believe how cruel he has been but the more time apart the more things he has done to me come flooding back.

I'm trying to tell myself a healthy relationship would of ended with conversations face to face after a decade long relationship with kids. That he would of worked on his issues instead of just laying them at my feet. He truly believes anything he has done and his drink and drug problems are because of being with me. I guess it makes it easier to blame someone else.

His mum picks them up from school on Friday and then I pick them up from school on the Monday.

He's treated me so badly. I feel like I have some sort of PTSD from it all.

I just don't know what the future looks like right now. I keep reading old threads where people ask what it's like being a single mother and some responses just scare the shit out of me. For example like people will say it's not so bad but they haven't dated for ten years and I'm 30 is this it?

I am finding more peace and getting into the new routine with my girls.

Being a single mum is great! Since I left ExH 5.5 years ago my earnings have increased, my house is just how I like is and My tiny little 7 year old DD is now a glorious sassy teen! I get EOW to hang out with my lovely boyfriend and go on dates. This summer DD and I went on a week’s poolside vacation together and had a blast! Xmas morning is just me and her and a big pile of prezzies before we scoot off to spend time with family.

The first 6 months were HARD but head down and you’ll be fine once you pop out the other end. Don’t fear bring a single mum, you’ll be awesome!

Thank you for your messages.

Today I went to the couples therapy by myself. It was actually really good and I'm glad he didn't go. She saw me a year ago and has been watching my business grow online and it was just really nice to get that reassurance that I'm not crazy and didn't deserve what he's put me through or my girls. I'm going to keep that up by going once a week.

She believes he is a true narcissist and couples therapy together would be pointless and just further trigger me.
She believes now I've started to become more assured in myself and having some success this is when I lost value to him. Which makes a lot of sense as it all got much worse as that happened.

We spoke on the phone today and he's just a coward and joke of a man. He said he would come see me in a few weeks time. So by that point it would have been over a month of him leaving.
He went on about how he's getting himself together by seeing a life coach and someone about his alcohol issues. Mental how the cheating, gaslighting and abusing doesn't seem to come into what he thinks he needs to work on.

I'm trying my best to get on with it. The girls are gone now for the weekend. I find these times the hardest.

On a ridiculous note I've been asked on a date this Sunday by a lovely guy and I don't think I should go at all. But part of me really likes the idea of feeling a little bit good about myself for once but I know that's just the distraction element playing.

I haven't been on a date in years but also know it's a terrible idea given the state I'm in. I obviously don't want a one night stand or any kind of relationship. So thinking I'll kindly decline and see some friends for a coffee instead. At least it's a bit of reassurance, that being a single mum with kids isn't an immediate no for all men but also now gone off men and don't know if that's going to come back anytime soon. 😂

I really hope I come out the other side of this in six months not being a scorned women but I am absolutely shocked still by everything that's happened these past few months.

Yeah I wouldn't date just now op. It's nice to be liked but you need time to process being in an abusive relationship, rest, re-form boundaries and study up on how to spot red flags of abusers in future.

So many people fall from one abuser to the next because they're looking for another guy to be a plaster rather than to heal themselves. And often the new guy is looking for a victim. For some reason dodgy sorts can spot people who've just got out of abusive situations.

If he knows about your ex being abusive, don't consider him a possibility even in future btw (otherwise maybe you can revisit the date suggestion some day). Because no sane man would ask you our rn when you've just just left an abuser. Actually come to think on it...if he knows you're very newly single it's a bit of a red flag too don't you think? Potentially. ...maybe not, but might think you want quick fling potentially.

I mean tbf he might not be a bad guy, but don't take the risk.

Take a year out and sit through being alone. You need to learn to sit with it so that you know you can do it and even find some enjoyment in it. That way it'll be easier to leave anything else that isn't working out future relationship wise. Because you like your own company anyway.

Also, if he finds out you had a date, you'll never hear the end of it. He may also accuse you of cheating. Forevermore it'll be 'you kept me for another man'. Wait at least a year.

*you left me for

Absolutely agree, just thought it was funny given how I was wondering if this will be it at 30 with kids. 😂

Yeah I need to heal and find the new normal and like you said be happy by myself before considering anything like that.

Also yeah if he found out I think he would be so horrible and make things hard for me which our kids don't need. They are taking to the new living arrangements really well now.

Hey just wanted to update not sure if anyone will see this as an old post.

It's been hard but he's still gone. I want some advice on co parenting I don't know if I should start a new thread for that?

It's pretty rough he hasn't been back or talked to me face to face. This has been good for the most part but I recently found out he has blocked my mobile number and WhatsApp.

We have two young children think around toddler age right so it's been an issue with picks ups etc for example and I honestly think it's madness he has completely cut me off like I don't exist.

I don't know if this is the best thing or stupid when two small kids are involved. I'm having to go through his mum who is awful with her phone ie never has it on her etc so I am getting panicked that there is literally no real line of communication or if something happens I can't call.

Am I being silly? On two occasions for example the abuse has carried on. He threatened to leave one of our dogs back at my house when I was away on other side of the UK and I rushed home and he hasn't. Another time saying he will collect the rest of his stuff at 6 in morning I wait he doesn't come etc.

He will speak via email which at first I was like this is great etc and know many do this with co parenting but at the moment things aren't final. The house for example he has had the paper work ready for weeks but said when he is ready he will send it to me so it makes me live on edge.

The less time an abusive bastard spends round the kids, the better. I mean is ge really the sort of person you'd want to contact if there was an emergency anyway? He clearly doesn't give a fuck shout the children so even if it was a child related emergency, sod him.

Get a claim in for cms ASAP if you haven't already.

If he thinks it frustrates you not being able to get in touch/not seeing the kids though, even better as he's more likely to stay away.

Abusers don't belong around children. Better no father than a bully.

Yeah so at the moment he has them weekends but his parents do pick up and drop off from preschool/school so I don't see him and I think by what they say they do the bulk of the looking after them on the weekends.

I want it to somehow be healthier down the line. They are gone Friday back Monday. It's so hard not seeing them. I also feel like I don't get to do the fun stuff anymore if that makes sense but having the weekends has helped me build my life back up ie meet up with friends and do things.

Chances are his parents will get sick of babysitting every weekend in their twilight years and you'll start getting weekends again soon..so maybe best to enjoy the free time while you can.

Yeah that's the thing I could literally up and move I don't know why I'm waiting on this legal stuff I guess I am attached to the house it's easier with my workshops for my business and walking distance to schools, my kids settled here etc.

I don't like having this over my head with the legal stuff it's like he can't be assed to get round to it and he's made himself out to be the victim which is insane. I wanted to be able to be amicable I looked at my last msg to him absolutely nothing horrible I was being nice and to the point, nothing bad and his last msg was stop annoying me. Like some kind of childish mentality. I was discussing childcare arrangements.

I just have to let go that I have absolutely no control with the parenting stuff his side anymore. He is still smoking and drinking lots so it wasn't me that made him do that as he said.

It's things like what about when we moved on down the line? I personally think there should be some agreements in place for the children's sake to keep things healthy and consistent. For example I would wait a year of dating someone before introducing a new partner. Things like that to be on the same page but I guess that's pie in the sky?