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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He just said if I eat anymore I won't be able to fit through the door.

201 replies

Mumtogirlss · 29/12/2023 18:01

Just that. I feel a bit shocked. We have had arguments before. We have been together a decade but tonight he said out of nowhere in a disagreement, that if I eat anymore I won't be able to fit through the door. It's Christmas holidays I have been eating more indulging but I'm not over weight not in perfect shape though had two kids not long ago I'm no super model body but I wear a size ten to twelve and taller than average. I now feel disgusting and he is saying he just said it in heat of the moment as I was suggesting he stops drinking so much as it's been a problem the past few months which makes him act irrational at times over small things.

He really has a hatred for over weight people so this really cuts deep. He sees anyone as over weight as lazy and doesn't believe someone could be over weight due to health issues or anything. I have two young daughters and I worry one day his view will affect them he will get them to chant fatty bom bom and stuff like that which I have told him is completely unacceptable.

It may seem silly it was just words but it's really got to me tonight he called me other things too but this is the first time he has said things about my body. I used to have an ED in my teens which I think also isn't helping with my mindset. Sorry for the ramble I feel embarrassed to tell anyone else right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumtogirlss · 29/12/2023 22:46

Circe32 · 29/12/2023 22:35

I don't think his comment is acceptable, however it does seem that he was lashing out defensively about your comment on his drinking. Perhaps it would be beneficial for you both to have a considered conversation on your mutual health concerns before lighting the touch-paper?

I have been with him for a decade. I have tried therapy I have tried all forms of communication. I don't think he is concerned for my health I believe he was trying to hurt my feelings. Yes I have put on weight but I'm a 10/12 dress size at just shy of 5ft10 in height I have checked the BMI NHS calculator and I am in a healthy range. I'm not going to think my brie time over Christmas needs to be on the same grounds as years of drinking and weed smoking.

I get what you are saying but a year ago he cheated on me well I found condoms and he deleted MSG's this year it is more abuse. Like he had my 20s should I give him my 30s too? It is something new each year and I'm genuinely tired and it's like the fight has gone from me. Now I can see it is damaging our childrwn and that doesn't motivate him to change.

I'm trying my best not to make anymore excuses every year for the past few I have said no more if it doesn't get better.

You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink is exactly what it is.

He knows but doesn't want to change or meet me halfway.

OP posts:
Epidote · 29/12/2023 22:46

LTB and have a happy new year.

Pinkbonbon · 29/12/2023 22:46

I'd warm the school that he might pull some moves when you split.

As for him sitying down and being reasonable and amicable...I think its safe to say there's as much chance of that as there is it snowing in hell.

He already treats you with hate and vindictiveness. It's not going to improve when you say 'it's over' (and he hears it as 'I win. Go fuck yourself')

Do all you can to get moved out before telling him. Does he have any wage slips you could photocopy?

I'd be reading 'the art of war'. Because you're in one. At least to him. And you must not show your belly to your enemy, he will stab it.

Minglingpringle · 29/12/2023 22:48

Mumtogirlss · 29/12/2023 18:08

The chanting will be if someone is large in a film or say we are in a car and someone crosses the road. He makes out that it's a joke but it's not okay and I make it clear I don't think it is and tell my girls it's not okay either.

My BIL encouraged my nieces to do this and now one is anorexic.

My theory is it made her believe being fat was the most despicable thing anyone could be.

Original poster
Mumtogirlss · 29/12/2023 22:53

Minglingpringle · 29/12/2023 22:48

My BIL encouraged my nieces to do this and now one is anorexic.

My theory is it made her believe being fat was the most despicable thing anyone could be.

Show quote history

This is a great worry as he will literally brag how he hasn't eaten all day and that people don't need 3 meals a day.

I have said time.and time again he can't do and say stuff like that in front of them and he will go okay okay but then a few weeks or months later he will do it again. The last one was watching a film and he went that's like that boy in your class and I was mortified she is 5. His response is always I don't want fat kids.

His ex also became anorexic at the end of their relationship and I wonder now if it was him that put her on that path..

I spoke to her once as I found photos of them together years ago which were time stamped on social media and they were at. Bar together this was a year into our relationship again I was crazy and he just took her out as 'friends' for lobster and champagne as you do.

God I've been such a fool.

OP posts:
eardefender · 29/12/2023 23:09

If your instinct is that he will be vile and petty op then seriously think about keeping your plans to leave to yourself and having somewhere to go. Don’t give in to threats that he wants 50/50 custody, men like this never want to do the work and look after their own kids. You and your girls deserve a nice life away from this little boy bully. Make sure you have all the documents and money you need. Anything precious to you get it away from him now so he can’t accidentally Chuck it out or hide it etc, phone keys passwords. As soon as he knows you want out and are serious he will get nasty, after of course he has cried and told you he will change and he loves you and oh yes he will kill himself etc yadda yadda.

tothelefttotheleft · 29/12/2023 23:20

A man like his will never easily pay maintenance. I wouldn't rely on it if I were you.

coldcallerbaiter · 29/12/2023 23:23

Is he an oil painting ?
Its funny how they usually aren’t

Pawprintsonthewindow · 29/12/2023 23:24

It doesn't matter what sizes clothing you are m. He's a CUNT

Minglingpringle · 29/12/2023 23:42

cardibach · 29/12/2023 18:27

Really? You think it’s normal to make offensive comments about weight, even your own?
What a weird attitude.

Show quote history

It can be funny. It depends on the relationship and where it’s coming from.

Lolapusht · 01/01/2024 09:28

Keep going with your leaving plan!

Take back your life and don’t let him damage your girls.

I think it’s quite telling that his response to not making anti-fat comments is “he doesn’t want fat kids”. It’s not about he kids, it’s about what he wants. He doesn’t care about the other person, just wants them to do what he wants. What would happen if the girls need medication that makes them out in weight or if they out on weight at puberty etc? He’s not going to hold back in letting them know he doesn’t want them. “Normal” people encourage a healthy lifestyle and discuss nutrition and how to feed our bodies what they need to grow, they don’t make their children terrified of eating.

anythinginapinch · 01/01/2024 09:46

I'm so relieved to read a thread where a woman with a vile husband, as well as children, is able financially and emotionally to end the relationship. Well done OP. You're on track for a good happy life and to raise happy healthy children imo. You're a powerhouse!

rochethenut · 01/01/2024 09:55

anythinginapinch · 01/01/2024 09:46

I'm so relieved to read a thread where a woman with a vile husband, as well as children, is able financially and emotionally to end the relationship. Well done OP. You're on track for a good happy life and to raise happy healthy children imo. You're a powerhouse!

able to
but has she actually is the question?

OP you threw this in almost as a trivial detail

Last Christmas I told myself I would give it a year it was a few months after finding out he had at bare minimum, an emotional affair with someone at work.

So alongside all of the above, he’s also a cheater. And you have been with him a decade?

This truly sounds a horrific environment for you daughters OP, i can’t imagine how awful christmas must have been. Unless…. you’ve jumped ship with them? (fingers 🤞)

pikkumyy77 · 01/01/2024 15:39

Well…you have been a fool so how much longer will you be one? Today is the first day of the New Year. Toss him out.

rochethenut · 01/01/2024 15:41

pikkumyy77 · 01/01/2024 15:39

Well…you have been a fool so how much longer will you be one? Today is the first day of the New Year. Toss him out.

No chance

LifeExperience · 01/01/2024 15:50

He's a nasty piece of work, isn't he? I've been married more than 33 years and we have never called each other names, no matter how heated the argument. It's disrespectful, and where there is no respect there is no love.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/01/2024 16:13

How can to be helped into getting rid of your abuser OP. This person is also harming your daughters emotionally too. Your own childhood was not ideal and that also played a part in you being with him at all.

Couselling with him is and will be a waste if time, besides which abuse is not a relationship issue. Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Get therapy for yourself re your childhood and enrol yourself on the Freedom Programme as part of your recovery from abuse.

sprigatito · 01/01/2024 16:18

He knows EXACTLY the effect that comment will have had on you, given your history and insecurities. He meant it to hurt and weaken you, as punishment for daring to challenge his drinking.

You need to leave him before he does any more damage to your girls. They deserve better than this - and so do you Flowers

Newlydivorcedyay · 01/01/2024 16:51

If you are 10/12 and he said you wouldn't fit through a door, there is either something seriously wrong with your door, or something seriously wrong with him. Its probably not the door though.

Original poster
Mumtogirlss · 01/01/2024 17:28

Hi everyone he left a few days ago. It's done. I know everyone has doubts with it being Mumsnet and I don't blame you. I am so beat down but it's done. I'm looking for somewhere else to go but he is saying I can have the house. I'm just trying to get through each day.

I can't eat I can't sleep I took my girls to cinema today but it's so hard to put on a brave face. He has not had contact with them since he left. They keep asking where is he and I'm trying to say the right things but they know something is up.

I don't even feel like I know who I anymore. Just feel like I'm in survival mode.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumtogirlss · 01/01/2024 17:37

I'm telling myself though that I gave it my all. I tried for another year. I can say that. He can't as much as he thinks he can he kept lying and breaking boundaries til I broke and then it was always my natural human emotions that became the issues rather than the abuse itself. He's never apologized or been honest, for cheating or saying I'm fat or any other names under the sun thrown at me.
It's always I made him do x y and z.

I'm just worried that he will now turn to drink even more and I don't know how to protect the girls from that.

OP posts:
SawYouLookingButChoseToIgnoreYou · 01/01/2024 17:38

He's a charmer. Hopefully, one day he'll mock a fat person and they'll punch him.

Just seen that he's gone. Now, perhaps you should get the locks changed and start the new year afresh for your children.

Original poster
Mumtogirlss · 01/01/2024 17:40

SawYouLookingButChoseToIgnoreYou · 01/01/2024 17:38

He's a charmer. Hopefully, one day he'll mock a fat person and they'll punch him.

Just seen that he's gone. Now, perhaps you should get the locks changed and start the new year afresh for your children.

Edited

Haha no but he's 5ft 6 and I'm like 5ft10 soo wondering if I just needed to be knocked down a peg or two 🤣🤣

Fuck knows he has so much anger though.

OP posts:
SawYouLookingButChoseToIgnoreYou · 01/01/2024 17:42

He sounds horrible, and a LITTLE bully. I hope you stay strong and make a nicer life for yourself without him.

Original poster
Mumtogirlss · 01/01/2024 17:49

Thank you. I'm trying it's so hard though. I just wish he wanted to try but it's over now. It doesn't even matter who's fault it was the damage is done and it can't be fixed. It's hard as I have no one to turn to right now. Because everyone thinks he's so charming even my mum didn't want to know last night. It's like non stop pain and second guessing myself.

Any TV series people can recommend? I tried reading but that wasn't working I just need to be able to switch off at night.

OP posts: