He just said if I eat anymore I won't be able to fit through the door.

[Mumtogirlss]

Just that. I feel a bit shocked. We have had arguments before. We have been together a decade but tonight he said out of nowhere in a disagreement, that if I eat anymore I won't be able to fit through the door. It's Christmas holidays I have been eating more indulging but I'm not over weight not in perfect shape though had two kids not long ago I'm no super model body but I wear a size ten to twelve and taller than average. I now feel disgusting and he is saying he just said it in heat of the moment as I was suggesting he stops drinking so much as it's been a problem the past few months which makes him act irrational at times over small things.

He really has a hatred for over weight people so this really cuts deep. He sees anyone as over weight as lazy and doesn't believe someone could be over weight due to health issues or anything. I have two young daughters and I worry one day his view will affect them he will get them to chant fatty bom bom and stuff like that which I have told him is completely unacceptable.

It may seem silly it was just words but it's really got to me tonight he called me other things too but this is the first time he has said things about my body. I used to have an ED in my teens which I think also isn't helping with my mindset. Sorry for the ramble I feel embarrassed to tell anyone else right now.

@Mumtogirlss you’ve said that you had an eating disorder when you were growing up. At the moment you’re bringing up your daughters with a man who is steering them in exactly the same direction with his “jokes” about “fatty bum bums”.

I’ve got some questions you might want to consider…

— Do you think that hearing his ”jokes” about overweight people is healthy for them?
— Will his attitudes to weight and mental health give them a healthy relationship with food, weight and their own mental health as they grow up? — What effect will it have on your daughters to see the way their dad treats their mum, and what treatment mum puts up with?
— Have you fully recovered from your eating disorder if you’re in a relationship with someone who displays these toxic and unsupportive attitudes to you and your daughters?

Someone managing to be Mr Everyone-Loves-Me when he wants to put on a show for outsiders does not mean that he isn’t an abusive twat to his wife and daughters.

Wow just wow. You're putting up with so much. Your poor dcs too.

You need to LTB ASAP.

This is called Body-Shaming. Not nice at all and he needs to be educated. It's very common and I think you need to make this clear to him, in a calm way. I wouldn't be able to stand that in a relationship and you need to think clearly to see if he is worth educating. For the sake of you and your girls I would be having a serious talk with him about it, at the very least, but you would need to be very calm and clear with him in order for him to understand. Other than that he's it's vile to be body-shamed by someone, whoever it is. I have been there as well. Hugs.

You need to also look at your own self esteem. You know you’re not overweight so a comment from him shouldn’t leave you feeling disgusting (I mean it shouldn’t even if you were).

he sounds like a fucking misogynist pig though. Get away from him

You are not crazy and none of what’s coming from him is a normal relationship. You’ve put up with too much and it’s gone on for too long. What are you getting out of being with him?

Oh my god. Divorce him and enjoy your life.

I promise that grass is greener without him.

I don't know I feel I have just failed as a mother but I fail more if I stay now. I get this I have tried and tried. It's got to the point of no return. I know 2024 has to be a new start, move out detangle from him. The other part is I know it will get so ugly from him. He genuinely doesn't believe I would ever leave. I am scared not of violence but what mental games he will play when it happens and sinks in that it really is it.

Last Christmas I told myself I would give it a year it was a few months after finding out he had at bare minimum, an emotional affair with someone at work.

I feel I keep trying hoping it's me and if I do more than it would be perfect all the time. I know that is naive but for our children I really wanted it to work but he hasn't met me half way. I did the therapy he wouldn't. I've been honest will admit when I'm wrong, he will not. To sum it up.

It's the little things for example my business this month stocked one of the UK's biggest retailers for Christmas which felt like a big achievement in a year of starting up. I was in the paper and asked could if he please grab a copy as I was away on the day and we live right next to the corner shop where he goes everyday. (To get his booze of course ) I went away a couple of days which is blooming rare to go deliver the stock and met with store etc. When I came back it was the next paper and I calmly asked oo did you manage to grab a copy and I feel in a healthy relationship it would be oo I'm so sorry I forgot but his answer was I do enough for you. I then jokingly went did you read the article online that I sent a link too and he went haha no sorry. Not trying to sound narcissistic but for some reason this upset me it felt like a big achievement was made out to be nothing aka I am nothing, nothing I do is anything in his eyes is how it makes me feel.

He went on to pat me on the head to say he loves me but he isn't my cheerleader and it's just bussiness he's not there to cheer me on. An I just sat there like surely out of everyone in your life that's a moment you may share with your partner and maybe a little celebration or just that's amazing well done.

Next year I will be doing better financially and I think may be this is why he is acting up I don't know. But you are all right it's not okay and as much as I have had wishful thinking he's not going to be the guy that can hold a conversation or care about my feelings and validate me as a human being. He just wants someone to cook and clean and keep to themselves. I don't want that for my girls I don't want that for myself anymore. Thank you for reading my rambling on. Anyone I have tried to talk to in real life has been like but he's so lovely you won't find someone like him again or it's can you do it on your own talk. Fuck it I'm done.

Why are you still with him? Surely you can't love a person like this?

fuck it I’m done

that’s the spirit. Here’s to a new, happier life. This time next year - he’ll be a memory

Wow the latest update on your business bloody congratulations!! How amazing.

Please leave the jealous nasty prick, and get your girls away from him. You sound lovely, strong and an amazing role model for them.

He deliberately didn't get the copy in order to hurt you. In order to say 'this is how little you mean to me and I was you to know that'.

Also, your partner SHOULD be your cheerleader. They should lift you up and want what's best for you and be happy for you when you succeed. Because your success is their success and because they love you.

Narcissistic abusers however...are jealous of your success. They also use them to imply you aren't humble. Or that you are narcissistic to want so much as a 'oh well done!'.

They are bitter, hateful people eh revel in your failures. You are their competition and they always need to win. And winning isn't enough. You have to lose. Painfully.

That - is an evil person.
And there's no fixing evil. Not even a therapist can fix that shit. He will always be a hatefilled little creature.
Don't let him drag you down into the dark with him anymore.

Stop trying to change you to fix him.

I'd he harasses you when you are out, thar is what the police are for. Don't be skow to call them if needed. Fuck trying to save him. Save yourself.

@Mumtogirlss
Omg what a prick! I don't have a DP But my friends and family would be calling to offer congratulations for that so no, it doesn't sound narcissistic for you to say he should have acknowledged it!
Congratulations on such a good first year of operating. May 2024 be the year of growth - business, finance and sense of self worth! All of which you can do without him. 🥂

he doesn’t deserve you. Please get rid of him for yours and your girls’ safe. And tell them exactly why his behaviour is unacceptable

Oh sweetie. Your life would be so much more without him. Would you manage to do it on your own? Yes, because you’re currently doing it with him constantly destroying your confidence and making your life hell.

When I went back to work after having DCs, I was nervous and convinced I’d be useless. For the first week I’d find little notes in my packed lunch from my DH telling me how proud he and the DC were of me. You’ve created a very successful business and he told you he wasn't your cheerleader. If that what he thinks then he’s not relationship material. He clearly doesn’t know how to treat someone with respect. Get rid of him and teach your girls that you are enough and to not let anyone break your spirit.

Thank you. He left earlier. I'm just going to play it cool for my girls sake. I am looking at places to rent now and fuck it I might even have some brie if I can make it through the kitchen doorway of course.😂

I'm hoping I can find somewhere that's close to my eldest school and will have space for my business like an attached garage. He hides how much he actually earns from me aka he has many bank accounts. Not sure how that will work with child maintenance but I'm hoping soon financially I really won't need anything from him so if he doesn't contribute at all it will be okay.

The only thing I'm worried about now really is how do you do this without affecting young children?

What's the best way? Obviously it's inevitable to a degree I understand that. I don't know if I should wait til it's certain I can move out so if he goes completely off on one I'm out of here. Or try to sit him down and get it through that this really is it and hope he will be reasonable?

I honestly feel he will be the sort of person that would turn up and take my eldest from school and ignore me to wind me up. He can be reasonable but he can also be completely childish and manipulative at the drop of a hat. He threw my dinner away tonight I just realised seeing it in the bin it's just sad like any attempt to stick the knife in he will do big or small it feels.

They are 5 and 3 our kids by the way. Just want some advice how to make the next step.

Jesus christ no! This is not ok! Even if every marriage looked like this it would still not be ok. Rather a better job, a sex toy, snd no husband than a shit husband.

Wow congratulations on your business success! That's incredible, well done you!

It's quite clear that this revolting excuse of a man knows that he doesn't deserve you- that's why he tries so hard to put you down and keep you there.

I would bet quite a lot of money that not everyone thinks he's 'all that'. There'll be a lot who can see straight through him.

Make 2024 your year to move onwards, upwards and well away from this loser.

I'll congratulate you! That's a huge achievement, you should be so proud of yourself.

Can you ask on your local FB group if anyone still has that copy of the paper? I would, and I'm sure people would be happy to help/ask around. The local journalists are members of our group and could probably get you one!

@Mumtogirlss . I’ve read all your posts, but not the whole thread, so sorry if I repeat PPs.

1. Congrats on your new business and the success you’ve had this year, that’s AMAZING! You should feel so proud of yourself.
2. You apologise in every post. Sorry for rambling or not making sense or going on…stop it! It’s your thread! Ramble as much as you darn well please! I like it. Plus, you’re so right…this place is the loos in the club at 3am! Why did I not see that? Now, light your metaphorical drunken cigarette you’ve been given by that other lady, fix your lip gloss in the mirror and listen up because this next part is important.
3. Your. Husband. Sounds. Awful.
4. Really awful.
5. The worst.
6. He belittles you, he lashes out at you, insults you, doesn’t support your career, expects you to keep up with house and home while he goes to the pub, is destroying your self esteem and judges others for what they look like. With a drinking problem. He sounds cruel, superficial and a boor. They mask REALLY well in front of others but you know the real him.
7. I’ve never said this before on MN but….
8. LTB.

There, now refresh your mascara, take a few deep breaths and get back out on the dance floor with your head held high because you are a catch with a bright future and honey, that man isn’t worth it.

He sounds horrible OP. Do you really want your little girls growing up around that attitude?

He is an abusive loser who tries to stamp on your self esteem because your success is a threat, he will always make people feel less than. You need to get rid of him before he damages your children’s self esteem and reclaim the awesome woman you are

An eye-opening way of looking at things with an abusive partner is to think about what happens when you try and reach a compromise. You take the first step towards them, then instead of them coming to meet you in the middle, they take a step backwards and demand you take another step ‘to meet them halfway’.

Sounds like you have been taking a lot of steps towards him and now you’re done. Good for you!

The divorce board is a great place to start reading and getting prepared. If he’s out drinking and generally sulking like the giant man-baby twat he is, you’re probably better off quietly getting those famous MN ducks in a row rather than talking to him about anything

Thank you 🤍

I really wanted to do that but felt like he was right and I was being self absorbed as he says. I really wanted it as I keep these things mainly for my girls for when they are older as I just want them to know I did something I know that sounds a bit silly but they see him as the one that works and mummy does nothing which is what he ha says again and again. Like I know it is not okay and I will make 2024 a new beginning.

I'm going to email the journalist that took the interview with me that typed it up.

Thanks everyone for the celebration messages it means a lot. I have a meeting with another shop buyer next month for another big retailer and although nothing is guaranteed if that has a good outcome next year really could be amazing and I think he knows I am in a position where I really don't need him where as before, before my eldest went to school I had years being a stay at home mum and him wanting that and providing which I see now wasn't all out of love but probably control too.

Also, no! My other half and I bicker constantly but only ever insult each other in jest. We never call each other names or say horrible things about the other. Ever. Name calling is not ok.

I don't think his comment is acceptable, however it does seem that he was lashing out defensively about your comment on his drinking. Perhaps it would be beneficial for you both to have a considered conversation on your mutual health concerns before lighting the touch-paper?