He just said if I eat anymore I won't be able to fit through the door.

[Mumtogirlss]

Just that. I feel a bit shocked. We have had arguments before. We have been together a decade but tonight he said out of nowhere in a disagreement, that if I eat anymore I won't be able to fit through the door. It's Christmas holidays I have been eating more indulging but I'm not over weight not in perfect shape though had two kids not long ago I'm no super model body but I wear a size ten to twelve and taller than average. I now feel disgusting and he is saying he just said it in heat of the moment as I was suggesting he stops drinking so much as it's been a problem the past few months which makes him act irrational at times over small things.

He really has a hatred for over weight people so this really cuts deep. He sees anyone as over weight as lazy and doesn't believe someone could be over weight due to health issues or anything. I have two young daughters and I worry one day his view will affect them he will get them to chant fatty bom bom and stuff like that which I have told him is completely unacceptable.

It may seem silly it was just words but it's really got to me tonight he called me other things too but this is the first time he has said things about my body. I used to have an ED in my teens which I think also isn't helping with my mindset. Sorry for the ramble I feel embarrassed to tell anyone else right now.

@Mumtogirlss Write down all the mean things he has done and the reasons you asked him to leave.....
He will try to crawl back - saying he has changed....do not give him anymore of your life.... he does not deserve you...
Better you do it now than in another 10 years when he has done more damage to you and your children

I've been with my partner for 39 years. We both swear freely all the time but he has never called me anything worse than a prat.

My dad was a cruel bully with a drinking problem, like your partner. My mum divorced him when I was 10. She was more upset about it than we kids were. We didn't like him and life was better after the divorce even though there wasn't much money.

You're really vulnerable at the moment op. You say he's gone but you're married and both have your names on the house? He could literally walk back in at any point and refuse to leave.

I'd be tempted to call the non emergency number and ask there be a note put on your address in case he comes home and kicks off. He's an alcoholic and he's abusive. (Emotionally, financially, controlling, etc).

When you go to bed are you able to leave your keys in the doors?

When you have time out of earshot of the kids get some legal advice about finances, house, etc. and try and find and gather any financial info you can. You say he doesn't tell you his earnings and has multiple accounts? Any way you can find out? Paper statements anywhere?

You might also want to pop any important documents (for you, the kids, finances etc) all together and somewhere safe just in case where he won't find them.

Be careful. He's controlling and when he realises you've made your mind up things might spiral.

Also - you are making the right call. He's an abusive, alcoholic prick and you deserve better. Like you said, don't give him your 30s too.

I found that putting an audiobook on which I knew really well was a lifesaver at this point. It as to be a book you know really well. You put it on and start listening to it so it keeps your mind off the constant worrying, if you know the story really well you don't need to stay awake to know what is going on so your mind can drift off to sleep and if/when you wake up in the night you just listen to the book again. Good luck, you've done the right thing for you and your DC.

JFC. It’s not you. It’s him. Get rid.

Get rid of your friend too.

Congratulations on your business success, OP. It's an amazing feeling when your hard work pays off.

Regarding your husband, I'm glad to read that you have got the ball rolling. He sounds like a nasty piece of work that has been dragging you down for years.

Be aware, he isn't being honest about the house. He probably won't actually give it up easily.

Change the locks ASAP (if he's on the lease he could just break back in but at least he won't be able to just waltz back in when you're sleeping). If its owned, see about getting the house on the market ASAP. You ideally want to get out of anywhere he could re-access. Even if it means a smaller place or renting instead of owning.

It's common for them to come back and refuse to leave. Be prepared. Think about other places you could go too. Look at local rental prices ect...

I'm.sorry your mum isn't supportive.
Often when we get rid of one abusive sort in our life, we start to look around and recognise others. Sometimes passive aggressive parents or parents that maybe tolerated similar from their own partners and are codependent. And expect you to tolerate abuse the same. Sometimes it's friends that we realise, never actually have our backs.

As we start to shift into people who say 'no' to abuse, we start to reconsider who in our life will support us on that journey and who maybe needs to be let go.

Thank you everyone.

He said he would pop over to seem them today briefly but he hasn't and I'm not going to reach out and ask if he's still coming.

I don't think he will he kept saying things like he loves me but like family and not romantically and just weird shit. Turns out he never cut contact with the person he had the emotional affair with fuck knows maybe I'll find out in a few weeks they are together 🤣 turns out she keeps trying to get our children to go on days out with her. She's just a nice person he says. So I know that's likely to come and I'll probably be back in Mumsnet fashion later this year asking how to cope with those emotions.

Sorry for the pessimism but it's almost laughable and is weirdly helping. It's like every clique is happening and coming out. I think he has a new 'supply' with her in terms of narcissistic behaviour. I have been discarded and think he honestly just wants to keep the I'm amazing dad image going and not feel any guilt from his actions.

He wants me to stay in this house as he says it's what's best for he girls as it's what they know. Like is that even possible without going mad?

He copied me into an email about signing the house over to me. It's like he wants it done and dusted no guilt to feel on his part and it's actually a good thing as if I waiver and cave it's not going to happen. It really is done and feel a sense of relief but also sad I couldn't give me girls that image that never really was going to happen, of the perfect one family.

Just trying to keep a clear head. I've heard they are the nicest now when guilty and can change later so I'm just trying to keep the peace.

Congratulations on the incredible achievements with your business !

His behaviour is absolutely horrifying at best.

I'll believe it when he signs the papers!
Get it done ASAP whilst he's still mooning over the new supply. Because once that goes tits up, he'll want to move back in and it'll be 'it's my house, I'll move back if I want!'.

@Mumtogirlss You've been awesome. Keep going. He will continue to do things that shock and surprise you I'm sure. Be ready. Might be worth trying to get the offer of keeping the house in writing (even on a text message) before he changes his mind. Even if it's not necessarily what you want, it'll give you time to think. As for what to watch... I've found Prof Sam Vaknin on YouTube; he really explains how these relationship dynamics play out for both sides. Also Doctor Ramani and Narc Con. Alternatively, if you have Netflix I really enjoyed binging the whole series of You. It's pretty bonkers and it'll really have you thinking about how some people behave, and touches a fair bit on attachment types. Or maybe you want something lighter and less dramatic 🙈🤣 It's a long road for some from here but you are absolutely doing the right thing.

Yeah he is delusional but it's put me at an advantage. He's so worried I will reach out to the husband who's been paying him to have an affair with his wife and do a house renovation the past year. 🤣

Honestly it's all a massive clique and I'm hoping years later I will be able to laugh at how ridiculous it all was.

Whoops just seen he emailed you about the family home. That's good. But ultimately it's still up to you. Time to see a good solicitor to check out where you stand financially. You rock!

He chants "fatty bom bom" at people he perceives as overweight?

Is he 12?

You know what's deeply unattractive?;an ugly personality like his.

God forbid he ever develops a health issue that causes weight gain.

What a dick;you deserve to be treated better.

You are FREE! Enjoy!

That’s great that he’s afraid you’ll give the game away to the husband. Just efficiently get things moving as fast as possible and the house secured.

Hopefully in the future you can work on his relationship with the children but for now concentrate on getting your and their position secure.

I'm so glad you are free of this abusive man OP, he sounds awful.
Congratulations on your business success too, what an achievement .
I've been in your position and had to start over again with a child. It's not easy at first but over the coming months, hopefully you'll start to enjoy your new life as a successful woman, without that confidence destroying man-child and his narcissistic behaviour.
As others have said, try and sort out the housing issue, either get it in writing and make it legal that the house is yours or if it's a possibility, look for a new home to truly start afresh.
People like your ex will come back to cause you distress when they see that you're winning at life without them. Preempt that it will happen and do whatever you can do to stop him causing you and your children any more hurt. Especially as it sounds like he has alcohol issues.
You deserve so much better than what you were getting from this awful man, which was abuse and he was a terrible role model for your children.
Good luck with everything, please keep us updated on how you're getting on

Thank you. I can't sleep. He messaged saying he will swing by in the morning to give the girls a kiss before work as not seen them wether they asleep or not be said and get ready for work. That will be 6 in the morning and they wouldn't sleep in their beds. It's affecting them they came down so many times and I caved they are in our bedroom in our bed and I'm just on the sofa I don't want to see him when he comes by in the morning. This cant work he won't tell the girls so it's all on me and I don't know what to say when they ask why he isn't here. He is a coward.

I don't know how to play this I don't want to see him even for ten seconds. He won't say a plan really just I should have the house but nothing in regards to the kids etc

Thank you for the supporting messages. I wish I could just up and leave with the kids. Nowhere to rent local so far that isn't flats. I have a dog aswell and with my business I need space for that too. Trying to tell myself it will all be okay.

Burn his clothes with the recycling.
get your children.
leave and don’t look back.
what an arsehole, you and your children deserve so much better.

Give him visiting hours that work for the girls. Don’t tell them he is coming until he pulls in the driveway. Do not accept randim requests. He id a terrible person and whether he intends it or not he will destroy their lives.

I'm bagging his clothes now the girls are asleep so they won't see it seems best time so hopefully tomorrow. I don't want him coming and going grabbing a few boxers at a time.

Doubt he's grabbing loads in the morning I think he's doing this so he doesn't have time to talk or say much but I want the bandaid ripped off. No more fuckery.

All caught up and you are AMAZING.

First poster nailed it