He just said if I eat anymore I won't be able to fit through the door.

[Mumtogirlss]

Just that. I feel a bit shocked. We have had arguments before. We have been together a decade but tonight he said out of nowhere in a disagreement, that if I eat anymore I won't be able to fit through the door. It's Christmas holidays I have been eating more indulging but I'm not over weight not in perfect shape though had two kids not long ago I'm no super model body but I wear a size ten to twelve and taller than average. I now feel disgusting and he is saying he just said it in heat of the moment as I was suggesting he stops drinking so much as it's been a problem the past few months which makes him act irrational at times over small things.

He really has a hatred for over weight people so this really cuts deep. He sees anyone as over weight as lazy and doesn't believe someone could be over weight due to health issues or anything. I have two young daughters and I worry one day his view will affect them he will get them to chant fatty bom bom and stuff like that which I have told him is completely unacceptable.

It may seem silly it was just words but it's really got to me tonight he called me other things too but this is the first time he has said things about my body. I used to have an ED in my teens which I think also isn't helping with my mindset. Sorry for the ramble I feel embarrassed to tell anyone else right now.

He's gone. Last night I ended up packing everything. I just feel sick. Not slept much.

The girls luckily didn't wake up from his kisses and loves youss.

I'm going to try get a few more hours sleep now and put on a happy face and then take them out today to go do something fun.

I thought I'd feel strong but I just feel so low. It's like a big punch to the gut.

My girls are just angels and I just keep thinking why couldn't he just not be such an asshole. It doesn't matter now though he really can't see his views are so harmful,.his drinking smoking and inability to control emotions or communicate anything without it being in rage so all those thoughts are pointless.

I guess him being the way he is does makes it easier.
He texted short blunt MSG's and saying he will be back later to spend time with them. I don't want it like this long term him being here to see them. He said to keep telling them he's at work.

It's been a few days shall I just say no don't come later and set days now? They miss him so much. I can't think clearly past a few hours. I just don't want to make him fly off on one before the house is signed over.

He has gone quite remarkably easily and quickly

I suspect - there’s a third party

I don’t know how helpful this will be for you OP but I’ll tell you what I would do next.

1. get a solicitor ASAP and receive some legal advice (there are some who charge small amounts or nothing for an initial convo).
2. as hard as it is right now go along with the popping by to see the girls- he seems flaky with this so it may not be that often- until you’ve had legal advice and the house is sorted. Some MNs may disagree but if it means you secure the house for the girls then it’s be worth it (only if you can mentally and emotionally cope with this of course).
3. speak with the school/nursery and explain the situation- it’s difficult as he has legal responsibility the same as you but they may agree to only call you in an illness/emergency way and may also agree to call if he turns up there.

is the house rented or owned? This will affect how long it will take to be signed over to you.

Yes he is saying it's because we don't work but you're right that is what it is but he has the guilt now which will help with the house as that's all he will talk about so not to feel he is abandoning and jumping ship. I'm sure the fantasy will shatter being back in with his mum mid 30s and not making enough to buy somewhere else for awhile.

You’ve dove the right thing and as hard as it is now you WILL be happier.
with the girls you will both need to be mature about it ( I know you are!) and be as amicable and friendly as you can around them and when you can arrange things together again. Things may sound crazy at the moment but it’s what worked for me. Take care of yourself and yes get 30 mins free legal advice if you can

in the space of 3 days he’s gone from verbally abusive, ordering you to burn stuff in the garden and cruel jibes - to meekly leaving the family home and feeling guilty.

OP - do not think that he’s giving you the house. As the split progresses and he looks to the future - he will want what he is entitled and won’t be giving up anything that he is entitled to.

And i suspect that the split suits him. There’s someone else

He will NEVER give you the house. This is just a ploy to keep you on the hook. But whatever: see a solicitor, find out what has to happen for you to keep the house, and do it immediately while filing for divorce. If he will do it :great! If he won’t do it now he never will. Don’t let him treat your children like they are on lay-away. Its pay upfront.

Good for you lovely. He's an abusive arsehole. Get legal advice ASAP. Good riddance to him, you don't need to listen to his bullshit any longer.

Well today I'm struggling feel sick. So he randomly then called later that morning saying he needed to grab something for work and that he can take girls to his mum's and said the girls cousins there etc and he will be round in 5 mins. They went I know they will be back and I think he's done that so he doesn't have to come over later to see them. He just seems to have love for them and then absolute distain for me like looking emotional and loving then a glance at me and I don't get what I've done to have this even now I feel going forward this is how it will be. I am being amicable as possible. I know he can't just come and go in the future but I knew today the girls would want to go to his mum's.

We had an email back the one I was copied into wanting more information to set up a interview to start the process with the house.

I honestly think this isn't a game in the sense of waiting for me to crack and he comes back like some think is happening it's like I'm just an inconvenience now and he wants to get the house sorted to not be the bad guy that broke up a family.

have you consulted a solicitor?

That is what you need to do. Sharpish.

Use the empty house to gather and download financial docs. You will save time with the solicitor which will save you money

it sounds like he’s still trying to control you and the situation.
’I’ll be round in 5 minutes’
erm no. He doesn’t live there, you can tell him it’s not convenient.
he takes them to his mums to play happy family’s and is likely saying all sorts in front of them.
you say he has love for them but I don’t see it. I see that he teaches them to be mean, he drinks and smokes and shouts and kicks off in front of them. He’s now acting like you’re a babysitter and he can come and go whoever he wants.

id put your foot down. Tell him he can have every other weekend (or whatever works for you) he will likely kick off and tell you he’ll have full custody and you won’t get anything. Ignore all that. Get a solicitor.

you will feel up and down and angry and happy and all sorts. When I split from my husband it felt physically painful.

good luck

How are things for you now OP?

Been over a week now. No contact other than about kids. They are at his mum's this weekend so the new routine has started and I'm trying to keep myself occupied. Hard now kids aren't here. Thank you for checking in.

I am struggling today. I just can't keep on top of tasks without breaking down. How do you do it? I'm just grieving this loss, I know it wasn't right but knowing that half my children's lives will now be split between households just something I am struggling to come to terms with. An just seeing what that future will be like.

I get it would be damaging if it wasn't happening I know all that, I truly do but I still feel like I have failed so badly. Pretty much everyone I know is living in a one family household and I don't know how to detach from that fantasy and wanting that.

We have a session on Friday to discuss how we go forward with new arrangements etc with a therapist and I just don't know how I'm going to cope. It's pathetic I feel pathetic.

I've lost over stone so far and I'm just trying put one foot in front of the other.

I'll be walking the dog and have to focus on breathing. He's an absolute nob but I still have this love for him being the father of our children I don't see right now how I could possibly see another man and it's not the getting over aspect but having another man in the future come into not my life but my children's. I just feel like I have to be this martyr.

At the moment the future seems so bleak for myself but better for my children and I know the answer is to keep focusing on them but I am only human and I've not been held or hugged by anyone I'm just trying to be strong and once the kids are in bed i just find myself sitting on the sofa going over it all and thinking if I did differently maybe he would of stayed nicer and not become who he was.

I am just venting as this has been a safe space for me.

I’m not divorced so my advice probably isn’t that useful, but from where I’m sitting it seems like the thing to point out is that everybody else doesn’t have the perfect life. You have a lot of life ahead of you. Do you really want to spend it glued to that man? Even in the happiest of marriages people will have regrets or wonder if the grass might be greener elsewhere. And look on the bright side, you have opportunities to try all sorts of different things and meet all sorts of different people. Your life will be varied.

All you can do is keep pushing ahead, making the right choices in each moment.

I think it's best to remember op that it's all about time. It's the right thing to do for everyone. And it will get easier and easier.

So today will be harder than next week.

Do you have friends/family you can lean on op? Reach out to people, tell them how you're feeling.

I'd also recommend some counselling, it's really good to have a regular slot where you can spill how you feel and talk to a safe person about it all.

Don't try to think so far ahead regarding a new man, etc.

I'm surprised most families you know are still a one family unit, the reality is most couples don't stay together forever anymore, life changes, people change, etc.

Instead of framing it as an unhappy thing that you didn't achieve, focus on what you can control now and how you can frame it positively. Time for yourself, quality 1:1 time for the kids with you and their dad too, a HAPPY home, with no unhealthy relationships dynamics for them to witness, etc.

Has he signed the house over formally yet? If not, when will it be done?? Be careful he isn't keeping you on the hook while he has freedom to explore this new option he has.

Remind yourself of all the negatives of him every single time you waver.

Every update is worse and worse. Get rid and look after yourself and children.

Next week will be the signing over well first meeting for that. He's adamant that's what he wants to do but is telling everyone is telling him not to so there is that worry he will change his mind but he does seem emotional about wanting to do that as it's not just for me but the home the girls grew up in and where my work is. Moving would affect everyone much more. I do believe he will keep to his word if it happens soon.

Family wise not really, my family are very avoidant with emotions no one wants to know. His family was who I would go to. So it's that grief as well.

My youngest birthday is in a couple of weeks and he saying we can still have joint birthdays and Christmas but I don't see how that is possible right now. It's too much and too soon.

He's having a breakdown everyday from the man who never shown emotions he's now at the doctor's having to need medication as he's distraught that the girls have seen his abuse and he doesn't want to put them through anything else. So I'm happy he can see that now but sad that it came to this horrible mess and he's got to that too late.

His beliefs, his addictions on top of his actions are the main reasons and I have to tell myself it's not all me but my god that's hard. He told nursery first so I wen to pick up my little one in front of all the other parents waiting, you know how it is with pick ups and the nursery staff asked if I was okay and it was so hard to keep a brave face. I was just so angry as well that he told them first and I had to be strong as it was the first pick up from the new arrangement we now have in place.

He got angry on the phone saying someone telling him not to sign the house over and I believe it is the OW telling him that. His family wouldn't want the girls to move out this house.

I don't believe it will last with her and he will now shift the blame he had to me properly at her. As it's not going to be that appealing that, that was the final nail in the coffin and she has twice as many kids and like 20 years older. Here's hoping anyway.

Jesus still don't know why he did that.

Yeah thanks.

He left weeks ago he has gone. I'm just using this space to express this stage as I guess it helps and I can have some more time when I'm with friends that isn't just crying haha

Apologies for not reading the full thread. Well done on being so strong in a shitty situation

The chanting will be if someone is large in a film or say we are in a car and someone crosses the road.

Thus is the kind of thing badly brought up 12 year olds do to make their mates laugh. Do you really want to be married to and bring up children with such an immature loser?

Ah, sorry, didn’t RTFT. I see you don’t!

He’s a drunk bully - nothing about this is normal family life. However, get rid of him, and you will achieve a normal family life, with your lovely girls.