He just said if I eat anymore I won't be able to fit through the door.

[Mumtogirlss]

Just that. I feel a bit shocked. We have had arguments before. We have been together a decade but tonight he said out of nowhere in a disagreement, that if I eat anymore I won't be able to fit through the door. It's Christmas holidays I have been eating more indulging but I'm not over weight not in perfect shape though had two kids not long ago I'm no super model body but I wear a size ten to twelve and taller than average. I now feel disgusting and he is saying he just said it in heat of the moment as I was suggesting he stops drinking so much as it's been a problem the past few months which makes him act irrational at times over small things.

He really has a hatred for over weight people so this really cuts deep. He sees anyone as over weight as lazy and doesn't believe someone could be over weight due to health issues or anything. I have two young daughters and I worry one day his view will affect them he will get them to chant fatty bom bom and stuff like that which I have told him is completely unacceptable.

It may seem silly it was just words but it's really got to me tonight he called me other things too but this is the first time he has said things about my body. I used to have an ED in my teens which I think also isn't helping with my mindset. Sorry for the ramble I feel embarrassed to tell anyone else right now.

did you see your parents name call op ?

i never saw mine

and neither has there been any name calling in any relationship i have had

Tell him if he you do gain weight, you can lose it - should you choose. He, however, will always be a vacuous twat, which is impossible to shred...

No there shouldn't be name calling in a healthy relationship. He's a drunk abusive bully and you need to get away from him.

No, no name calling in this house. This is supposed to be the person you love, so one would expect the bare minimum of respect, and that doesn’t involve name calling.

@cardibach, a week of snack overkill doesn't really make anyone too big to fit through a doorway. In a normal context, it's an obviously jocular remark about the amount eaten. As I've said, OP's context makes it targeted and offensive.

May I ask you ladies. When you have disagreements or if you do with your partner's. Is there name calling ever?

I have been married for 26+ years and my husband has never shouted at me or called me a derogatory name. Not once. It is completely unacceptable.

Why on earth would you choose to have children with such a vile man?
It’s pretty obvious he’s always been like this - I have no idea why people choose to procreate with people like this

He is despicable. Please get your dc away from this abuse, for that is what it is.

This is not normal, it is very far from normal, and he has chosen to deliberately use this form abuse because he knows how much this insult would hurt you.

He knew it would upset you so that’s why he said it. He’s not terribly bright and sounds very sexist and arrogant. He will cheat on you again - you decide

My friend told me you just trade problems for new ones

That's true. It's a matter of weighing up the problems, isn't it?

With DH as a constant presence in your daughters' lives, they're likely to grow up with an irrational fear of gaining weight and an expectation that women should put up with being insulted by men. There's also the continuing effect of his drinking & verbal abuse, and how that will change you as their mother.

What different problems are you likely to face if DH becomes a more occasional, and more distant, factor in your lives?

I was in a relationships where there was name calling and a lot of criticism.

I am far happier on my own.

Get rid of the prick

Have my first LTB...... What an absolute cunt he sounds like - and you 100000000% deserve better......
Start 2024 as you mean to go on...... Minus a useless and mean husband.....

for you

What a disgraceful, disgusting human being - his behaviour is vile and completely inexcusable.

So sorry you're having to deal with this behaviour OP. Similar attitudes have been normalised in my own family and I was in my 20s before I realised how messed up it was.

I don't think it's that unusual to eg. call your partner a name in anger during a row, as a one-off that wouldn't bother me. But that's not what has happened here. He made a targeted comment out of nowhere that he knew very well would be hurtful. He also sounds like a bully. Is he at an ideal weight? Is he perfectly healthy and stunningly attractive? Or is that a standard he thinks only applies to women?

Anyway I would have a think about what positives he brings to your life, it sounds unlikely that you'd be worse off without him.

Absolutely this.

Give them one safe environment to be as much as possible. Rather than one where they are taught that women are 'lesser than' and that its ok to be cruel to people who are different.

I couldn't be intimate with him again.. shot himself in the foot there. Do these men think it'll motivate? Grotesque person

'I think this...'

'I disagree because....'

'OK/I still disagree/I see, I'm sorry, you are right/I'll do it/I still don't see it that way/Let's stop here/Do you want a cup of tea?'

However, when I was daft enough to not realise I was with an abusive alcoholic, it would be 'WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS GETTING AT ME'

'HERE WE GO AGAIN, IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU ISN'T IT'

'I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HAVING A GO AT ME AGAIN'

'I'm NOT DRINKING, you're imagining it YOU'RE FUCKING MENTAL YOU ARE'

'THE ONLY REASON I'M DRINKING IS BECAUSE YOU'RE CONTROLLING ME NAG NAG NAG'

'MY MUM IS GOING TO DIE YOU SELFISH BITCH <note, was 57 and in perfect health. Still is at 77, as far as I know>

'You were having tests for a lump, you've been foul and YOU NEVER THOUGHT ONCE ABOUT HOW I'D FEEL ABOUT IT'

'I'm just drinking because ALL YOU DO IS EAT AND EAT AND EAT, you're a food addict and you're going to die'

'You snore like a pig OINK OINK SNORT SNORT, hey kids, this is mummy, let's make noises like her OINK OINK SNORT SNORT' <because he'd come in drunk and I'd found him face down on the kitchen floor>

Get rid. Your new problems will be nothing like being systematically abused and bullied in order for him to get his way and drink all the fucking time.

This! Is what it is like. My reaction to what he says is the issue.

So I asked him calmly did his dad and mum do this? Did his mum ever call her names in front of you? ( His family is genuinely so lovely and calm)

His answer is no because she always cleaned and had his dinner on the table.

I said oh so if she didn't one day it be okay to call her names and cheat on her too?

He literally thinks it's okay to do what he does and has done because his answer is I don't do anything or enough. Ie the house today still had Christmas decorations up. Our children are 5 and under I was planning to do it a few days time but in his eyes I am lazy because we still have the tree up. .

For more information I have a bussiness and self employed I work non stop especially at Christmas period I've had for first time in a long time a few days to rest and be more present if that makes sense. The house is not mayhem with mess but yes there may be a cup in the sink or could do with a vacuum. I've done craft activities with the girls all day but apparently I've done nothing with them. Yet he went to the pub with a friend... I should of had the house tidy by time he came back. It was tidy then it got messy again like you know anyone with young kids can understand this or am I crazy?

Name calling is abusive. Telling you you won’t be able to get through the door when you’re a size 10-12 is ridiculous and abusive. He’s a drunk who’s teaching your kids to name call overweight people/strangers in the street. Wtf, OP?

He’s a horrible man, useless husband and worse than useless father. I wouldn’t want my girls anywhere near someone with that mentality. You’re not crazy.

I get a bit of name calling lately but he is 85 and in the early stages of dementia, particularly if he's tired or under the weather. His old self would be horrified. In nearly 50 years I've yet to see him so much the worse for drink that he couldnt behave in a reasonable way

He's just a nasty little alcoholic prick. If the place looked Instagram perfect, he'd be having a go at you for being neurotic/OCD/destroying Christmas by tidying it up before January 6th and because the boxes needed putting up in the loft (partly because he's probably got a stash of booze up there as well as in the shed where he was having drinks whilst burning stuff, and now he's drunk it all, he's lost interest in burning things).

He's only interested in keeping you too scared and with low enough self esteem to kick him out. After all, you have your own money, can manage the house absolutely fine, look great...what's left except to make you believe you're worth nothing so he's doing you a favour by staying with you?

I repeat, get rid - you'll never have conversations where you disagree like the start of my first post whilst you're trapped with a scumbag who does the second.

He's just said it in response to you trying to control his drinking. You're on a hiding to nothing if you think you can control that though. If you're not happy just leave, save yourself years of bickering.