Think I'm being slow-dumped in my 50's

[RoséProsecco]

Met this guy through OLD in the summer - clicked straight away.

He's 55 with grown-up kids & I'm 51 with a teenager & 11 year old. He has not met them.

He works in London alternate weeks & I have majority care of my DC so we haven't seen a huge amount of each other - but that has worked for me as I don't have a lot of time & have a good social life as well as working f/t.

He was always been keener than me to start with & went out of his way to see me eg calling in on way home after flight back.

I thought he was emotionally intelligent, good communication& we had plenty sex. He has always been reliable, respectful, very communicative through messages/WhatsApp several times a day.

But the last couple of weeks he's just blown hot & cold - for example we had plans to meet up on a Saturday night & I thought he was heading over, but he didn't show up - messaged the next day to say he'd fallen asleep on sofa.

I couldn't see him the next day as has DC but the next night he came over & stayed over. All seemed ok.

Since then, we haven't seen each other (now 9 days) which isn't unusual - but he's on annual leave so is around.

He's just gone really quiet on the message front a couple of times - 24 hours of non-contact which is unusual.

Then been quite attentive at other times eg lots of messages on Xmas day.

I've just messaged back to say "give me a shout when you're free" as I hate feeling "needy" & don't want to chase him.

I don't have a lot of spare time & have prioritised Saturday nights for time with him when I don't have DC - so don't want to wait around. I hate having to "ask" for things.

Grrrr, bloody men.

Ask him
Tell him you notice he seems quieter and less interested and would like to know if that’s a correct view or if something underpins it/is wrong.
Talk like adults and remove the guessing and worry. Life is definitely too short.

He doesn't sound very committed to a relationship with you and I'd be similar to you about not wanting to appear 'needy' and leaving the ball in his court. I wonder if there's someone else in the picture though.

The falling asleep would be a red flag for me especially on a Saturday night. My first thought would be he had another date.

Also the change from the normal communication is another alarm bell.

I think you’ve don’t the right thing. Don’t contact him again you hear from him.

@Asifiwouldnt - I think I'd prefer to have that conversation face to face, but guessing he might not want to.

Yes, the thought of another date did occur to me - I am very cynical when it comes to men. I literally thought he was on his way over as he'd just messaged me - so it would have been a very last minute arrangement if he did arrange one.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt for that one.

It just seems such a contrast from him.

I'm definitely not chasing him up.

I would have thought that a 6 month relationship might have been worthy of an honest conversation, but clearly not.

Any chance he's actually married?

Only after the 1st 6 months do you really start to know the real person. This is who he is.

I had a boyfriend once just like this. Super keen the first 6 months then turned hot and cold. When started retracting due to his coldness, he would start being more attentive and draw me back in. Then he would turn cold again and repeat...

Felt like I was losing my mind. Take a massive step back.

@Sparkletastic - absolutely not - have been to his apartment & it's definitely not a family home!

My situation is very similar to yours. Met someone earlier this year. Both of us are super busy so we manage to meet once a month but plenty of conversation on text mostly initiated by him. He travels with work a lot.

Mid Dec he decided to take himself off to US to stay with friends who also are in the same business as him . So likely working and skiing. Suddenly zero messages from him. That triggered my anxiety. So I asked if he could message me regularly, he was nice to keep that going well for a few days and then again silence.

I thought he is likely sleeping around , partying away while I am stuck alone in the UK. Ended up messaging him angrily. He replied promptly that he had been working a lot.

I think it's pretty simple - a decision to be made by me if I am OK with such an arrangement or not.

I don't intend to reach out to him again. But will wait and see what he does. Likely will have a face to face conversation in due course . Sadly I have developed feelings for him so it feels painful to break up.

He's busy with someone else.
Most married men and cheaters get caught out this time of the year.

Well, I have ordered a new vibrator in the LoveHoney sale - looks like it's back to DIY for me, rather than regular sex!

I wouldn't read too much into this - he fell asleep - bit annoying - maybe set an alarm if he does this regularly.
Christmas - although he is off - he might be trying to fit in seeing people he hasn't been able to because he is usually working - with you.
That said, unless you're usually pessimistic - if you have a gut feeling you are probably right.
I would just ask outright

OP this happened to me. Men are complete cowards at saying it's over.

Sounds like he's in someone else's shorts and is ghosting you. I wouldn't bother with him now and if he does get back in touch I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole. Sorry man

Fell asleep on the sofa, he must of been in such a deep sleep all night he couldn't message until the next day! I don't really believe this tbh, a doze maybe and you'd wake up and immediately message if you forgot plans. With him going quieter than usual as well, I think he's losing interest or dating someone else.

Is that his London apartment?

Where is is family home?

(is it possible he has two places - one a crash pad in London?)

Sorry, the cynic in me really isn't helping much.

I agree that a "what's going on" conversation needs to be had face to face so you can read him, his body language.

Sounds like a narcissist who is very keen at the beginning and then disappears as they get new supply lined up - there are plenty of those on OLD.

@samestyle - that's exactly the same conclusions I'd come to.

I thought I had a good radar for arseholes, but clearly not. Just annoyed I'd misjudged him. But I guess people are on their best behaviour for the first week while & then their true colours show.

I also think he just can't be bothered with a relationship - he's been on his own for years & just suits himself.

@DatingDinosaur - his apartment is near me.

The old family home was sold when him& his ex split up about 2016.

His work put him up in serviced apartments when he stays down in London.

Breaking up with someone is one of the hardest things to do, and let's face it as a species we aren't the greatest at open and honest communication, so people often start fading away rather than just saying 'Sorry this isn't working for me'.

You've noticed a shift in tone, so I'd just call it out and say 'Hey, it feels like you're not into this right now, would you prefer to call it a day?'

I honestly wouldn't say you've misjudged anyone; you've dated him and it looks like things aren't going to be long term.

@occhiazzurri - my ex was a narcissist & he is definitely not like that - I am hyper aware of these traits & have been very vigilant about avoiding men like that.

He seemed completely the opposite.

Don't second guess OP, speak to him and ask what's going on. Sorry to say a change in comms usually means his interest has been piqued elsewhere so be ready to say goodbye if he starts making silly excuses. The falling asleep on the sofa thing being a prime example!

Thanks for all the comments.

I'm just processing that he's gone from giving me a spare set of keys to his flat one week, to going flaky within a week.

He's not the person I thought he was.

And even worse, I'd bought him some Christmas gifts which I can't take back!

Just a more clever narcissist. Move on. They are either interested or they are not. You can't make them.