Think I'm being slow-dumped in my 50's

[RoséProsecco]

Met this guy through OLD in the summer - clicked straight away.

He's 55 with grown-up kids & I'm 51 with a teenager & 11 year old. He has not met them.

He works in London alternate weeks & I have majority care of my DC so we haven't seen a huge amount of each other - but that has worked for me as I don't have a lot of time & have a good social life as well as working f/t.

He was always been keener than me to start with & went out of his way to see me eg calling in on way home after flight back.

I thought he was emotionally intelligent, good communication& we had plenty sex. He has always been reliable, respectful, very communicative through messages/WhatsApp several times a day.

But the last couple of weeks he's just blown hot & cold - for example we had plans to meet up on a Saturday night & I thought he was heading over, but he didn't show up - messaged the next day to say he'd fallen asleep on sofa.

I couldn't see him the next day as has DC but the next night he came over & stayed over. All seemed ok.

Since then, we haven't seen each other (now 9 days) which isn't unusual - but he's on annual leave so is around.

He's just gone really quiet on the message front a couple of times - 24 hours of non-contact which is unusual.

Then been quite attentive at other times eg lots of messages on Xmas day.

I've just messaged back to say "give me a shout when you're free" as I hate feeling "needy" & don't want to chase him.

I don't have a lot of spare time & have prioritised Saturday nights for time with him when I don't have DC - so don't want to wait around. I hate having to "ask" for things.

Grrrr, bloody men.

Huge kudos, OP - you were upfront without being crass or shouty and you took a risk. I am really sorry that your suspicion was borne out, but you took the brave option and the higher ground, and I think you're great.

PS there are definitely men out there who would be fine with seeing their girlfriend once or twice a week - hang in there

It sounds like his work was at least 50% to blame for things being sporadic, and I suspect he’s not being entirely frank, but at least you have some closure. I’m sorry this has happened OP

Then they are choosing to be shit at this.

@whatwouldAnnaDelveydo - exactly - he had not raised this & has been the one avoiding making plans over the holidays when we could actually have spent time together.

Bit of gaslighting going on there...

Ohhh this is pushing my buttons. So similar. Mine went quiet. I also had to ask and then got an email listing the things that weren't right. FFS.

My ex is a perfectionist and commitment phobe. So he looked for everything 'wrong' and listed it, rather than work through it with me. He also later (when I thought we were getting back together) said I shouldn't have emailed him then he'd never have said anything and we'd still be together.

Be prepared for him to keep in touch and mess you about.

You sound great. IME it hurts a lot later in life as it seems a miracle to meet anyone you fancy and get on with! Hope you are ok. He's a fool.

Oh and one of the reasons mine gave for ending it was ...he wanted to spend more time with me! Ffs

@AllSoComplicated "said I shouldn't have emailed him then he'd never have said anything and we'd still be together."

the mind boggles. He'd have stayed because he cba leaving?!

sorry this happened OP but you did the right thing pushing for replies.

@EmmaEmerald I think more like he could brush any niggles under the carpet rather than say it out loud and then live with the consequences of feeling guilty for hurting my feelings...which he couldn't cope with so decided the whole relationship thing wasn't for him because he didn't like feeling bad about himself 🙄🙈🤯

I think you dealt with it all really well and it was the right thing to do to get him to say that there was a problem.

I had a similar situation (in his 50s) where I knew something was wrong due to a change in contact but he didn’t actually finish it, he just went quiet and I didn’t know what the matter was. I look back and think how cowardly. At least you know now.

Glad you have closure OP. This is very much the point of dating; to see if both parties feel that there's a compatibility long term. He didn't see that and he told you why.

I had a very similar thing happen to a guy I was dating, however I was the one who after about 5 months realised that for me, things were not going to progress. Similar to you we had discussed what we wanted from the future, our values etc, but I realised we had serious incompatibilities.

I really don't think either of you have done anything wrong here. Does it suck? Yes. I would now block or delete his number, and hope that 2024 brings you lots of happiness regardless of dating.

Time fir an open conversation. It might be that he thinks you are not that interested, he might be ill, stressed at work or he might be reconsidering the relationship you won't know till you ask. More importantly you are allowed if not entity be upset at being stoodup. Stop worrying about being clingy and set the boundaries you want. The right man will like like you clingy or not.

Sorry missed the next page

His loss OP x

I'm finding what he's saying a little manipulative- the reason why we haven't had time together is because he's been in London 5 weeks in a row & isn't making plans now he's up when I have a significant amount of child-free time.

Plus I'd managed to save up annual leave for us to have 5 days in the sun in February- so there was opportunity ahead.

And hasn't highlighted that he'd wanted more.

I just think he's met someone else, or it's just one of these "he's not that in to you" ones.

You may never get to the truth, frustrating as it is.

He’s moved on OP. It’s cowardly and disrespectful not to have initiated the discussion with you first. I expect his relationships all have a recurring theme.

OP you seem like a strong, smart, independent women and what you said you were expecting from a relationship seems reasonable under the circumstances. It seems to me that you communicated that to him from the beginning, so it is not like you fooled him or anything. If you are asking me, I think he found someone else. I would say, move on, he is not worth it.

His OLD profile is still active so that's a fair possibility- and he has plenty of opportunity both down in London & up here too.

Better off without him. At least you know where you stand now.
Treat yourself to 5 days in the sun in Feb. Book, pool, Prosecco, sightseeing, nice food ….. do whatever takes your fancy and pamper yourself.

@randomusername2020 - thank you - your last paragraph made me laugh & really cheered me up.

My view is he's married or met someone else.

I'm sorry.

I totally echo what you say about feeling cynical about men.

I struggle to meet any who seem to have much to offer.

Yep

He's acting like a jackass. I bet the jackass is the real him and he's been acting the good guy.

Either way, I am done.

Feeling a little bit low tonight as my narcissistic ex who lied & cheated on me has been in a relationship for several years now.

I've struggled to meet anyone & it's just depressing.

Almost all my friends are happily married.

Just feeling a bit sorry for myself.

Im 51 and my ex of 25 years moved on 4 years ago...i find the men 'left over' ...theres a reason they're left over tbh. I just fill in my time doing what i want to do now. Ive stopped dating, it cost too much and to no avail..so i date myself and treat myself..men arent the be all and end all. Gl OP