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Original poster

Think I'm being slow-dumped in my 50's

171 replies

RoséProsecco · 28/12/2023 17:57

Met this guy through OLD in the summer - clicked straight away.

He's 55 with grown-up kids & I'm 51 with a teenager & 11 year old. He has not met them.

He works in London alternate weeks & I have majority care of my DC so we haven't seen a huge amount of each other - but that has worked for me as I don't have a lot of time & have a good social life as well as working f/t.

He was always been keener than me to start with & went out of his way to see me eg calling in on way home after flight back.

I thought he was emotionally intelligent, good communication& we had plenty sex. He has always been reliable, respectful, very communicative through messages/WhatsApp several times a day.

But the last couple of weeks he's just blown hot & cold - for example we had plans to meet up on a Saturday night & I thought he was heading over, but he didn't show up - messaged the next day to say he'd fallen asleep on sofa.

I couldn't see him the next day as has DC but the next night he came over & stayed over. All seemed ok.

Since then, we haven't seen each other (now 9 days) which isn't unusual - but he's on annual leave so is around.

He's just gone really quiet on the message front a couple of times - 24 hours of non-contact which is unusual.

Then been quite attentive at other times eg lots of messages on Xmas day.

I've just messaged back to say "give me a shout when you're free" as I hate feeling "needy" & don't want to chase him.

I don't have a lot of spare time & have prioritised Saturday nights for time with him when I don't have DC - so don't want to wait around. I hate having to "ask" for things.

Grrrr, bloody men.

OP posts:
Indifferentchickenwings · 29/12/2023 21:09

RoséProsecco

of course you feel crap
all relationships ending hurt 😞
and we all feel like ‘im done ! This is IT’

im still feeling crappy as my situationship of almost 2 years recently ended

look after yourself lovely x

Honeyroar · 29/12/2023 21:22

I’m glad you held your head up and pushed for an explanation. He was a bit pathetic (and no doubt untruthful) in what he came back with, but at least you’re not in limbo. He was pretty spineless and unfair- especially with it being Christmas. And if he wanted more meaningful/less sporadic perhaps he should try to stay awake and actually meet you! I’m m sure you are disappointed. But you sound very level headed and fair. I hope you meet a good one next time.

MyFirstLittlePony · 29/12/2023 21:24

Bad luck OP

He may have had another home and another love?

You said his dating profile was still active

Modern life is tough in our fifties 🤯

Original poster
RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 21:47

At least my new vibrator is on order.

I've been on my own for 4 years now & was in an unhappy relationship for a good while before that.

At this moment in time I honestly feel I'll be doing retirement & seeing out my days alone.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 29/12/2023 22:14

Tbh OP I wont mind being in retirement and being alone. Ive always looked after men..im fed up with it..so looking after myself now..if i meet someone i do...if not im fine with it. Last few week ive had dates with few men ..one was misogynistic simpleton, next!...2nd one stayed over every weekend at his exes and didn't want that to change, next! , third one is 51, never lived alone and always lived with parents...said he cant afford to ugh ...i didn't go into it.. nor educate these men, theyre not worth my time...i actually love time alone..very busy, tbh no time for regular dating...fill your time doing for yourself .. because even if your with someone in retirement, usually youll be doing for them..a lot of men in 50s/60s want looking after but dont reciprocate

TheAverageJoanne · 29/12/2023 22:23

@Loubelle70 Tell us more about the misogynistic simpleton please!

Wooloohooloo · 29/12/2023 22:29

Maybe he wants someone less limited by childcare, as his own kids are grown or didn't fancy being involved with someone with younger DC. Either way, he should've been honest with you sooner and acted cowardly.

MmedeGouge · 29/12/2023 22:32

“At this moment in time I honestly feel I'll be doing retirement & seeing out my days alone.”

Good for you!

There is a lot more to life than hooking up with dodgy, selfish blokes, who blind side you with smoke and mirrors.

Don’t waste another minute trying to fathom him, or his type.

Move on, life is precious.

SamW98 · 29/12/2023 22:33

RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 21:47

At least my new vibrator is on order.

I've been on my own for 4 years now & was in an unhappy relationship for a good while before that.

At this moment in time I honestly feel I'll be doing retirement & seeing out my days alone.

I’ve been single 4 years and not got past a second date with anyone in that time. I’ve tried OLD but I just don’t click with anyone. I seem to attract monosyllabic bores or sex pests. No one even vaguely dateable.

Im at stage now where I really don’t think I can be arsed anymore. I know I don’t want to live with a man again and don’t know if I can be arsed to let a bloke disturb my chilled peaceful, please myself life now. I have girlfriends for nights out, weekends away and holidays. So it’s only sex I miss out on and there’s toys for that 😀

ChanelNo19EDT · 29/12/2023 22:35

I'm happier since I stopped bothering

SamW98 · 29/12/2023 22:45

@Loubelle70

Lol at the misogynistic simpleton, 🤣

My recent dating history is like a comedy show. The one who was asking me to settle down with him on the second drink, the one who talked about himself non stop and forgot my name several times, the one who turned up looking like he’d slept in a skip, the one who told md he was 5’11 but was actually about 5’5, the one who turned up to an afternoon coffee date in a suit and tie then sat on his hands when the bill arrived and the one who told me on the second date about his ED. And that’s the ones that got to the meeting stage - there’s been others blocked after a phone call or a few messages that turned pervy.

And sadly my friends have all had similar experiences- think we should just buy a big house together and be like the golden girls

Aubree17 · 30/12/2023 07:51

RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 15:40

Well, I asked the question & got a reply.

He's said he's looking for something more meaningful & less sporadic, and wished me all the best, so at least it was a "nicer" ending although I'd guessed it was coming & would have preferred an honest conversation.

I replied back to say that I'd hoped things could have progressed with him & was limited by current childcare arrangements plus his working pattern.

Then wished him all the best.

So that's it.

Feeling pretty deflated- it's a wee bit of a miracle if you find something special with someone in your 50's.

This feels like a form of gaslighting where he's trying to shift the blame to you and make you feel responsible.
As far as I can see he's not tried to make things more regular or communicated what he wants. If he was keen you'd have known it and if he acted differently I'm guessing you may have been starting to integrate him into your family life now.

I'm afraid I think he's just not that into you.

Original poster
RoséProsecco · 30/12/2023 08:06

@Aubree17 - yes indeed gaslighting.

I find it quite manipulative that he's turned it back on me.

It's just hard building a relationship when someone works away & the other has majority childcare.

And finishing things knowing that I was just about to have a good chunk of child-feee time & had suggested a holiday together seems rather contradictory.

I always thought he'd be better with someone who was more footloose & fancy-free rather than a single parent with younger DC (his are up & away) so maybe he's realised this too.

Hey ho.

OP posts:
Sux2buthen · 30/12/2023 08:55

Ah fuck him. He's talked himself into blaming you and wherever else is irrelevant now.
You've handled it all with class so chuck him over your shoulder and look forwards.
I'd be looking at a getaway for myself I think, even just a couple of nights by myself with room service (although that might be the single parent in me talking🤣)
At least you're not seeing the new year in with a limp lettuce

Aubree17 · 30/12/2023 08:59

Mr Right is out there.
He won't leave you guessing.
Keep your head up high - better things are ahead for you.
I also bet that if you don't chase this guy he will get back in touch. It won't be anymore right then than it is now, but I bet he gets back in touch!!

Easipeelerie · 30/12/2023 09:09

He most likely has continued to date and had some dates with someone he liked over Christmas. He wouldn’t pass up sex if he didn’t have another/others in the pipeline.

exttf · 30/12/2023 10:18

RoséProsecco · 30/12/2023 08:06

@Aubree17 - yes indeed gaslighting.

I find it quite manipulative that he's turned it back on me.

It's just hard building a relationship when someone works away & the other has majority childcare.

And finishing things knowing that I was just about to have a good chunk of child-feee time & had suggested a holiday together seems rather contradictory.

I always thought he'd be better with someone who was more footloose & fancy-free rather than a single parent with younger DC (his are up & away) so maybe he's realised this too.

Hey ho.

They always do turn it back on the other person to avoid taking any blame themselves or to excuse their behaviour - such as possibly dating someone else at the same time while he was working in London.

Fuck him. You don't need this. He wasn't adding that much to your life anyway, a few dates and a bit of sex now and again. It's not like he was making a major contribution.

SamW98 · 30/12/2023 10:27

Definitely use your time off work to have a solo break.

Tbh it does sound like he’s probably been having dates with other people - bet he’s got travel mode on his dating profile. I’m just outside London and see a lot of men saying they’re looking for compact while they’re working down south.

Indifferentchickenwings · 30/12/2023 10:28

How are you OP

these endings sting

if and when I date again I think I’d need another single dad with the same issues as me
man’s ideally not more than a 30 min drive away

the estranged single dad I dated had major MH issues as didn’t see his kids
the bachelor I dated judged the issues we had due to my toxic ex

I don’t know about you but it’s been very very bruising !!!

Original poster
RoséProsecco · 30/12/2023 12:15

Thanks for asking @Indifferentchickenwings - I had a really crappy sleep.

Heading to a family event later which will take my mind off things a bit & have made plans for new year.

Going to have at least a few months off OLD & will think about it again in the spring.

OP posts:
Crankyaboutfood · 30/12/2023 12:24

Sux2buthen · 30/12/2023 08:55

Ah fuck him. He's talked himself into blaming you and wherever else is irrelevant now.
You've handled it all with class so chuck him over your shoulder and look forwards.
I'd be looking at a getaway for myself I think, even just a couple of nights by myself with room service (although that might be the single parent in me talking🤣)
At least you're not seeing the new year in with a limp lettuce

This.
he is just insincere and cowardly. It’s nothing on you. You have behaved with clarity and a lot of poise. Dating is hard at any stage of life and even harder when there are so many constraints and we have these battle scars.
this man handled himself poorly and is not a catch, but there are other fish in the sea.

2024fit · 30/12/2023 13:04

He’s probably projecting and the issue is feels you want something more meaningful than he can provide. But either way it was a good decision to address him directly on this and now you have your answer. It’s a bit rubbish it had to be coaxed out of a grown man instead of him being upfront and saying it wasn’t working rather than throwing you hints with the change in communication but that just all goes to show what kind of a man he was.

I had a similar experience with a guy (33 year old) a few summers ago , his communication was off so I cut things off with him but did some digging a few weeks later and saw he’d been away to Poland to visit his ex shortly after and it was a planned trip. I think the two things are linked.

I think with men of all ages there’s often someone waiting in the wings when they break things off fairly suddenly.

LoreleiG · 30/12/2023 14:43

auntyElle · 29/12/2023 15:58

What a cop out from him. He could have just told you that m, rather than 'falling asleep on the sofa' and the slow fade. I'm sorry, OP.

I agree - what a dickhead. Sorry OP. He isn’t worth your time clearly. But that doesn’t make it not shit.

PrimroseSilk · 30/12/2023 16:08

You sound lovely OP. He was messing you around and you clearly deserve better.

Onwards and upwards, wish you all the best for 2024.

an17 · 30/12/2023 19:10

It feels terrible, OP. I have been in the same situation. I find that such men have a sort of pattern. He will likely repeat this with the next one till he realises he is cutting close to old age and needs a nurse. It typical avoidant behaviour. A lot of men our age back in the dating pool are avoidant. So while it seems unfair and heart breaking which is a very natural reaction, there is also the insight that you used your gut instincts well this time around and uncovered a closet narc or avoidant. Future you will be thankful to you today. My exH was a lying narc. I stayed married way too long. Now I struggle with trusting myself. Feel proud. Wishing you the best of healing from this.