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Original poster

Think I'm being slow-dumped in my 50's

171 replies

RoséProsecco · 28/12/2023 17:57

Met this guy through OLD in the summer - clicked straight away.

He's 55 with grown-up kids & I'm 51 with a teenager & 11 year old. He has not met them.

He works in London alternate weeks & I have majority care of my DC so we haven't seen a huge amount of each other - but that has worked for me as I don't have a lot of time & have a good social life as well as working f/t.

He was always been keener than me to start with & went out of his way to see me eg calling in on way home after flight back.

I thought he was emotionally intelligent, good communication& we had plenty sex. He has always been reliable, respectful, very communicative through messages/WhatsApp several times a day.

But the last couple of weeks he's just blown hot & cold - for example we had plans to meet up on a Saturday night & I thought he was heading over, but he didn't show up - messaged the next day to say he'd fallen asleep on sofa.

I couldn't see him the next day as has DC but the next night he came over & stayed over. All seemed ok.

Since then, we haven't seen each other (now 9 days) which isn't unusual - but he's on annual leave so is around.

He's just gone really quiet on the message front a couple of times - 24 hours of non-contact which is unusual.

Then been quite attentive at other times eg lots of messages on Xmas day.

I've just messaged back to say "give me a shout when you're free" as I hate feeling "needy" & don't want to chase him.

I don't have a lot of spare time & have prioritised Saturday nights for time with him when I don't have DC - so don't want to wait around. I hate having to "ask" for things.

Grrrr, bloody men.

OP posts:
Pumpkindoodles · 29/12/2023 09:19

Best case, he stood you up and then is going days without replying and doesn’t seem arsed to see you
worst case he’s slow dumping you.
just take control of the situation and walk away.
offering keys to his at 6 months in, when you barely see each other is weird af as well. That would make me suspicious, why such a grand gesture. Did it actually happen or was it just a big insincere offer?
could not be arsed.

SeriouslyStressed · 29/12/2023 09:22

Move on, he's either slow dumping you or just being really lazy and inconsiderate

TheAverageJoanne · 29/12/2023 09:26

Yes, whizz him out the window.

Custardcreamandcoffee · 29/12/2023 09:28

You deserve better, so just move on

Lampzade · 29/12/2023 09:29

Move on

Muchof · 29/12/2023 09:33

RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 08:20

@MrsRachelDanvers - I have absolutely prioritised him in the little time I have & both of us have communicated well previously to arrange things around the time we do have together - I'd say until now we have both mutually gone out of our way to do this. There's always been a fair bit of taking turns eg to travel, with each others places etc.

I've said to him previously that I am totally ok on my own (as is he) but miss meals out, movies, sex.

My last message to him was along the lines of: it would be nice to catch up, let me know when you are free. That was on Wednesday evening & nothing since - we usually message multiple times daily.

So I have to decide between just letting that lie & waiting for him to come back to me.

Or messaging/calling to say I've noticed a change in communication & does he want to leave things.

As others have said, if he really wanted he'd be in touch.

I read your thread yesterday and I must admit I thought it sounded like he was making more effort than you and had simply got fed up with it. Even now you are making a point of what little time you have for him. If somebody kept making it clear to me that they were too busy to allocate me any time, I would take a step back too. And yet you expect to be his priority?

I think you should either have an open conversation about what you both would like and see if it is compatible or yes just do that block thing which seems to be the way to go these days

Original poster
RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 09:41

I'm afraid I don't have much time Sad- the contact pattern for my children is that I have a Wednesday night & EOW free.

I work full-time with no flexible working.

But I absolutely do prioritise these times for him - he knows that.

He also has no choice about his work & was in London 5 weeks in a row, which is unusual & will not continue.

So between us we haven't had a lot of time.

OP posts:
Trixiefirecracker · 29/12/2023 09:44

I would just message and say it feels like this is fizzling out ( from his side) and you have other priorities and would you like to call it a day, see what he says?

PurplePansy05 · 29/12/2023 09:47

RoséProsecco · 28/12/2023 18:24

@Sparkletastic - absolutely not - have been to his apartment & it's definitely not a family home!

Might be far fetched, but he may have more than one property, I'm guessing he's doing well financially?

My first thought is he was on a date with someone else that Saturday and now he's getting to know her over the Christmas period, they're probably both off and he's figured out it's an opportunity. Doesn't want to tell you because he's unsure himself yet.

Well. If you want to treat him totally casual then do. If he means more than casual to you (which I think he does, what you described is probably closer to a relationship) then I'd sit down with him and tell him straight you can see through his behaviour and you're done here. You're too old (not in a negative sense, obvs! Just experience wise) for this kind of nonsense and don't want to waste time on him, all the best and bye!

PurplePansy05 · 29/12/2023 09:50

Actually, do it by text if you barely see each other these days anyway. I'd do it now personally, cut your losses.

MrsRachelDanvers · 29/12/2023 09:51

Reading your updates, I really would throw him back-not making an effort when you’re staying at his after a night out and then ‘falling askeep’-he doesn’t have the guts to say look I think it’s burnt itself out/run its course and so hoping you’ll get the message. But he might not be sure, so he’s leaving you dangling in case he changes his mind. Not respectful and once that goes, it’s not going to be the same. So I would message him and say on reflection, it’s run it’s course and stopped being fun and you’re moving on. There are lovely men out there-I met and married one during OLD but I couldn’t be bothered with a hot and cold one.

Asifiwouldnt · 29/12/2023 09:54

You sound very self sufficient but lovely and genuinely invested within the boundaries of your kids and work which is totally reasonable.
If he wanted more as some posters suggest then he’s quite capable of voicing that.

This slow withdrawal would be it for me as it’s rude and immature and not honouring the relationship you have had so far which sounds very open and direct.

Id have to ask him though. If only to let him know you have noticed and aren’t going to just sit there and take it all on his terms. You aren’t a fool and you aren’t desperate but you clearly like him and have invested time and emotional energy and deserve a straight answer.

ChanelNo19EDT · 29/12/2023 09:59

Oh boy, it sounds like he's not certain whether or not he wants to meet up again so he's just made contact. That's it.

I'd be tempted to send a text saying 'look, not really feeling any closeness here so I want to draw a line under our dates, it was fun for a bit, take care''

LoreleiG · 29/12/2023 10:02

ChanelNo19EDT · 29/12/2023 09:59

Oh boy, it sounds like he's not certain whether or not he wants to meet up again so he's just made contact. That's it.

I'd be tempted to send a text saying 'look, not really feeling any closeness here so I want to draw a line under our dates, it was fun for a bit, take care''

Don’t do this OP - you need to have a proper conversation with him. This text guess work is doing you no favours. If he is slow dumping you then he is not worth your time, maybe there is something else going on but in your fifties after six months I think you can and should ask. If nothing else so you can stop prioritising your free time for him.

Walkingtheplank · 29/12/2023 10:09

Why not phone him and see what's actually happening.

Or block him as he's not showing you the respect you deserve.

You sound fab and deserve better than this poor effort.

Original poster
RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 10:16

I'm definitely not the "delete & block" type.

I'm very picky about who I date/have a relationship with - in your 50's you don't mess around, date multiple people, have ONS's - well I don't anyway.

Just need to put my big girl pants on & have that conversation

OP posts:
Newgolddream70 · 29/12/2023 10:25

Sounds to me like he doesn't want the confrontation so he's hoping you'll take the hint and eventually disappear without any conversation being had - a sort of long drawn out version of ghosting.

I've been in this situation before. I messaged the person and asked if they were free for a quick call. Then we spoke and I just asked them outright if everything was okay as there had definitely been a shift in behaviour/contact etc. Then the woolly excuses followed and the 'it's not you it's me' blah blah and I knew then it was done.

It's sad and it feels like a complete waste of time, especially when you don't have much free time (my pattern is the same as yours). Let this one go OP, give yourself some time to reflect and heal and then try again when you're ready. And good luck!

Pumpkindoodles · 29/12/2023 10:31

RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 10:16

I'm definitely not the "delete & block" type.

I'm very picky about who I date/have a relationship with - in your 50's you don't mess around, date multiple people, have ONS's - well I don't anyway.

Just need to put my big girl pants on & have that conversation

Why?
he’s not given you the time or respect to have it with you.
youve dated for 6 months, it’s not like you’re walking away from a marriage.
do what you want obviously, but I wouldn’t be begging him for some spare time to come talk to me for an awkward conversation he’s not even arsed to have

ChanelNo19EDT · 29/12/2023 10:35

In a perfect world a conversation is better obviously but it's looking like there won't be a face to face opportunity to have that conversation. So instead, you end up feeling ghosted (cos you were, even if you were breadcrumbed first). I think sometimes a man will relegate you and then assess how you react to that. Many years ago I would have gone into pick me mode. Cringe. Never made a man who wanted to bide his time with me value me more I can tell you.

an17 · 29/12/2023 10:42

RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 10:16

I'm definitely not the "delete & block" type.

I'm very picky about who I date/have a relationship with - in your 50's you don't mess around, date multiple people, have ONS's - well I don't anyway.

Just need to put my big girl pants on & have that conversation

This op! Well done you. You sound like you have tremendous self respect and you are a secure person.
You will be doing the right thing by having an adult conversation.I never get this concept of block and move on. We are mature adults capable of having difficult conversations.

You could seize control of the situation by you not being the one seething in uncertainty and text back asking to meet so you can have a chat before NYE.

Otherwise you are the one lady in waiting with all the stress. The conversation is going to bring certainty whichever way it goes. And certainty is peaceful. That is what we all need.

Good luck!

Loubelle70 · 29/12/2023 10:46

RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 06:12

Thanks for all the comments.

I'm just processing that he's gone from giving me a spare set of keys to his flat one week, to going flaky within a week.

He's not the person I thought he was.

And even worse, I'd bought him some Christmas gifts which I can't take back!

Post keys through his letterbox. Dont text him anymore. Hes dating others

LaughingCat · 29/12/2023 10:52

It could just be that Christmas is a tough time for him but he doesn’t know how to express it, so he withdraws from life a bit. Like you said, you’ll never know unless you actually have a chat with him though, so dusting off your big girl pants is the right thing to do.

Bahhambug · 29/12/2023 10:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MmedeGouge · 29/12/2023 11:01

chewsandwhine · 29/12/2023 08:31

“Only give your time to a man who can’t wait to be with you and makes you a priority”

An old lady told me this way back.Its so true. There should be no confusion. If you’re confused, he’s not into you.

Op, you feel he’s slow dumping you.
He probably is and is seeing someone else he’s met online.

Nip this in the bud and quick- dump him by blocking and moving on.
You keep your self respect that way.
Don't waste any more of your time on him. He’s not who you thought he was.

Good advice.

Christmasnutcracker · 29/12/2023 11:17

I think what you had was more a mutual understanding than a relationship? Neither of you seemed to want more?
This works for people who are able to compartmentalise (it never worked for me personally).

In my early thirties, I dated a man in his fifties. He was full of life, lots of interests and was happy. It was only when it finished that I realised I was the person who had developed feelings. He was perfectly happy with his life. I was an optional ‘add on’. It took me a long time to figure that out.
I don’t think the guy who were/are seeing has done anything wrong tbh. You are the one who developed feelings even though you said yourself there wasn’t really a future in it other than a companion to go to the cinema with and have sex?
You didn’t buy him a gift and he didn’t buy you one? If so you aren’t really even close friends. It was an arrangement that suited you both.

Have the chat with him so you are not waiting/hoping. But ask yourself if you really do want more?