Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I'm being slow-dumped in my 50's

171 replies

RoséProsecco · 28/12/2023 17:57

Met this guy through OLD in the summer - clicked straight away.

He's 55 with grown-up kids & I'm 51 with a teenager & 11 year old. He has not met them.

He works in London alternate weeks & I have majority care of my DC so we haven't seen a huge amount of each other - but that has worked for me as I don't have a lot of time & have a good social life as well as working f/t.

He was always been keener than me to start with & went out of his way to see me eg calling in on way home after flight back.

I thought he was emotionally intelligent, good communication& we had plenty sex. He has always been reliable, respectful, very communicative through messages/WhatsApp several times a day.

But the last couple of weeks he's just blown hot & cold - for example we had plans to meet up on a Saturday night & I thought he was heading over, but he didn't show up - messaged the next day to say he'd fallen asleep on sofa.

I couldn't see him the next day as has DC but the next night he came over & stayed over. All seemed ok.

Since then, we haven't seen each other (now 9 days) which isn't unusual - but he's on annual leave so is around.

He's just gone really quiet on the message front a couple of times - 24 hours of non-contact which is unusual.

Then been quite attentive at other times eg lots of messages on Xmas day.

I've just messaged back to say "give me a shout when you're free" as I hate feeling "needy" & don't want to chase him.

I don't have a lot of spare time & have prioritised Saturday nights for time with him when I don't have DC - so don't want to wait around. I hate having to "ask" for things.

Grrrr, bloody men.

OP posts:
Indifferentchickenwings · 29/12/2023 11:27

Op
a plausible reason also could be he struggles with Xmas - which is very common
and very normal for divorced people

This doesn’t excuse the slow fade
however does seem more plausible than ‘he’s met someone ‘ which assumes a lake of desirable interested women !

statistically the hating Xmas is a far more likely option

but having seen these threads a far more optimal idea is to ask for a chat 💬

if he doesn’t engage and want to chat
you have your answer anyway

XmasStriper · 29/12/2023 12:05

In his fifties, affluent, social skills, transient job with a lot of travel?

Sounds like the type who love bombs, breadcrumbs women after giving them the "boyfriend experience", and aims to have a bed in every port (may settle for someone younger if they sign up to be a "nurse-with-a-purse"!).

Tinder is deluged with these types - they're just so arrogant and have a harem on the go.

I'd grey rock dump him ("not you it's me, discovered Jesus/want to take up knitting in 2024!). By text. And move on.

Don't let him pick you up again and if he messages just read and don't reply.

Original poster
RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 12:05

@Christmasnutcracker - I'd say relationship more than situationship.

We talked about our children, working lives, families, hopes for travel/retirement etc.

Definitely not a fuckbuddy type thing.

We'd talked about a sunshine break in February & potential dates.

It's just a bit difficult as only known him 5-6 months & obviously not appropriate to introduce him to my children, so hard to progress anything within the limits of him working away & me having majority childcare.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 12:10

@XmasStriper - yes, affluent in 50's but been on a project in London for 3-4 years which is now coming to an end & he'll be back home within a few months on another project which will see him through to retirement.

Not a transient job - been with employer 20 years, has stable job.

I have my own professional career & earn a reasonable salary.

OP posts:
Christmasnutcracker · 29/12/2023 12:27

We talked about our children, working lives, families, hopes for travel/retirement etc.

As in mutual plans or your personal plans for travel/retirement?

Do you think he could have viewed it as two separate people having a nice time when together but there wasn’t a shared future?

It was a short lived relationship so it’s hard to discuss the future too much. I know when I was dating the man in his fifties, he spoke flippantly about the future. When it ended he apologised and said he didn’t mean to give me the wrong idea. He just got caught up with it but never had any intention of playing it out. Also very wealthy, many interests and an interesting person himself.

All his relationships seemed to have played out in the same way and for a similar duration.

What was this man’s dating history like?

Original poster
RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 12:41

@Christmasnutcracker - not so sure about his relationship history. He seemed more of a man's man & works with family.

He's a high earner but not showy/wealthy - lives in a modest apartment.

Hard to make shared retirement plans in such a short relationship but had similar goals.

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 29/12/2023 13:21

The Saturday night he claims to have fallen asleep - he was out with someone else and took them home - that’s why he didn’t give you a key to stay over - as someone else was there instead .
he contacted you once she had gone home the next day .

it seems glaringly obvious to me that he’s seeing someone else !
Maybe as you wouldn’t get a babysitter / only see him when you didn’t have kids - he felt like you weren’t that into him - so went for someone that was ?

exttf · 29/12/2023 13:30

I think you should just let this one go OP. He does seem to be fading you out. Personally I couldn't be bothered having a conversation with him. I'd just make my own plans and if he suddenly started messaging to arrange a meet up again I'd see if I was free and if I wanted to meet him (but probably wouldn't)

It's possible he has someone else - he works every other week in London and was in London for 5 weeks in a row. Perhaps he has someone there.

The thing about the keys to his place and then not letting you stay there sounds as if he might have been seeing someone else that night.

Perhaps he thought you saw it as a friends with benefits type thing. It sounds like you didn't have that much time for him and you say that the purpose of it was to have someone to go out on dates with and to have sex with, which doesn't sound like you wanted it to be a relationship as such. Perhaps you did, but it comes across to me that you didn't. Maybe he thought the same thing and was looking for something more serious. Who knows!
In any case, don't waste your time on this anymore. It was fun while it lasted.

Original poster
RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 13:39

I'm a bit of a closure girl (rightly or wrongly) so I have replied to his message (as I know he's away today) to say I've noticed that things are quieter on the message front between us & is there anything he wants to let me know about.

OP posts:
ChanelNo19EDT · 29/12/2023 13:42

Good one. 👍🏻
Speed up the end. It's less tortuous. The few men who were keen on me always left me in no doubt. Thinking about it, every other man messed me around while they bided their time. No patience for dating now.

SamW98 · 29/12/2023 13:42

RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 13:39

I'm a bit of a closure girl (rightly or wrongly) so I have replied to his message (as I know he's away today) to say I've noticed that things are quieter on the message front between us & is there anything he wants to let me know about.

That’s fair enough and you’ll know one way or the other.

Cantrushart · 29/12/2023 14:22

RoséProsecco · 28/12/2023 18:24

@Sparkletastic - absolutely not - have been to his apartment & it's definitely not a family home!

My sister and her DH owned a rental appt, except it turned out that the DH had kicked the tenants out years ago and was using it as his bachelor pad.

XmasStriper · 29/12/2023 14:36

@Cantrushart

Someone I knew had a boss who rented an apartment to him at super low rent....on the condition that he "made himself scarce" when the boss needed to go there with his mistress!

I'm not cynical cynical about men, they're half the human species and have their moments for sure!

But as a single "okish available woman", seeing how even "super nice family men" snuffle about for opportunities with no remorse...

And a lot of them are super-nice, well mannered, mainstream, slightly boring geeky types....they just think they're entitled to the time and full attention of as many women as possible.

If the woman is also as casual as them, they love bomb and "act keen" till she mirrors the behaviour back and gets emotional and is reeled in....then they drift away.

It's all a power game.

workshy46 · 29/12/2023 15:04

Yes he's most definitely losing interest, most notably not arranging another date. The problem is that with limited time its hard to build momentum in a relationship so it becomes easier for one or both of you to get distracted by someone else. Thats most likely the case here.. someone else has caught his eye and hes playing it out without completely ditching you as to hedge his bets
Personally I probably wouldn't say anything.. just act cool as a breeze. Not reply or take 24/48 hours to and then dump. Not sure there is any point in asking a question you know the answer to.

Original poster
RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 15:40

Well, I asked the question & got a reply.

He's said he's looking for something more meaningful & less sporadic, and wished me all the best, so at least it was a "nicer" ending although I'd guessed it was coming & would have preferred an honest conversation.

I replied back to say that I'd hoped things could have progressed with him & was limited by current childcare arrangements plus his working pattern.

Then wished him all the best.

So that's it.

Feeling pretty deflated- it's a wee bit of a miracle if you find something special with someone in your 50's.

OP posts:
auntyElle · 29/12/2023 15:58

What a cop out from him. He could have just told you that m, rather than 'falling asleep on the sofa' and the slow fade. I'm sorry, OP.

Original poster
RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 16:01

In my experience men are just shit at finishing things & do stuff like that rather than be upfront.

OP posts:
toomanyleggings · 29/12/2023 16:03

Men who don’t gift you at Christmas or try to see you aren’t interested. The reasons why don’t matter. Just next him

toomanyleggings · 29/12/2023 16:04

Sorry just read your update. That’s an excuse to dump you

TheAverageJoanne · 29/12/2023 16:06

RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 15:40

Well, I asked the question & got a reply.

He's said he's looking for something more meaningful & less sporadic, and wished me all the best, so at least it was a "nicer" ending although I'd guessed it was coming & would have preferred an honest conversation.

I replied back to say that I'd hoped things could have progressed with him & was limited by current childcare arrangements plus his working pattern.

Then wished him all the best.

So that's it.

Feeling pretty deflated- it's a wee bit of a miracle if you find something special with someone in your 50's.

And did he expect you to just realise this? Does he think you're a bloody psychic?

For all his flash job, money and apparent sophistication he's a pathetic little wuss underneath. Whizz him out the window and happy new year to you without him. Jerk.

Original poster
RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 16:10

@TheAverageJoanne - yes I find it frustrating that he hadn't communicated any of this to me - if he'd really wanted things to work he should have done that.

At least I know now & can move one.

OP posts:
SamW98 · 29/12/2023 16:12

Sorry OP but at least you’ve got closure.

Though shame he couldn’t have told you this previously rather than pretending to fall asleep

itsmyp4rty · 29/12/2023 16:13

Sounds like he'd already moved on but was just too much of a coward to tell you and is now trying to blame it on you not having enough time for him - I bet he didn't fall asleep that other night either. He was just going to slow fade you out while moving quickly on to the next one. Sorry OP, his loss.

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 29/12/2023 16:15

That's low of him to blame it on you (saying that he wanted something "more meaningful and less esporadic" - unless, of course, he asked and made it clear it was very important to him, which doesn't sound like he did).

Why do men have to make it always the women's fault?

Oh, I know. Because lots of them are emotionally immature.

SamW98 · 29/12/2023 16:16

RoséProsecco · 29/12/2023 16:01

In my experience men are just shit at finishing things & do stuff like that rather than be upfront.

Yep they do. And it doesn’t seem to get better with age

As you say, finding a good one over 50 is more rare than a unicorn with a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I’m same age group and I’ve given up - only reasonably decent bloke I met in last 4 years ended up being full of shit (and having ED)