Think I'm being slow-dumped in my 50's

[RoséProsecco]

Met this guy through OLD in the summer - clicked straight away.

He's 55 with grown-up kids & I'm 51 with a teenager & 11 year old. He has not met them.

He works in London alternate weeks & I have majority care of my DC so we haven't seen a huge amount of each other - but that has worked for me as I don't have a lot of time & have a good social life as well as working f/t.

He was always been keener than me to start with & went out of his way to see me eg calling in on way home after flight back.

I thought he was emotionally intelligent, good communication& we had plenty sex. He has always been reliable, respectful, very communicative through messages/WhatsApp several times a day.

But the last couple of weeks he's just blown hot & cold - for example we had plans to meet up on a Saturday night & I thought he was heading over, but he didn't show up - messaged the next day to say he'd fallen asleep on sofa.

I couldn't see him the next day as has DC but the next night he came over & stayed over. All seemed ok.

Since then, we haven't seen each other (now 9 days) which isn't unusual - but he's on annual leave so is around.

He's just gone really quiet on the message front a couple of times - 24 hours of non-contact which is unusual.

Then been quite attentive at other times eg lots of messages on Xmas day.

I've just messaged back to say "give me a shout when you're free" as I hate feeling "needy" & don't want to chase him.

I don't have a lot of spare time & have prioritised Saturday nights for time with him when I don't have DC - so don't want to wait around. I hate having to "ask" for things.

Grrrr, bloody men.

"I also think he just can't be bothered with a relationship - he's been on his own for years & just suits himself."

I think it's this in a nutshell. My exbf was like this. Liked the idea of a relationship but backed off when he fell for me.

Men in their fifties who are willing to emotionally commit seem rare.

He'll come round if you go quiet when all the busy Xmas and NY period is over. But then you'll have to decide if you want a flake.

@AllSoComplicated - I definitely do not need that in my life!

I'm not prepared to be someone's option, rather than priority.

And it's not like I was asking for a lot! Just wanted a nice light-hearted dating-type relationship with meals out, cinema, regular sex. Certainly not wanting to live with someone etc.

One thing I've learnt in life it's that when a man wants you and is interested you absolutely know it. He's definitely about to ghost or has possibly slept with someone else or met someone he's more into.

Everyone has 24/7 access to a phone nowadays so if he wanted to he would. Back in the day, an ex went no contact for a couple of days when he was on holiday. He said he had no phone signal but I later discovered that he been texting and calling an old FWB during this time and had met up with her.

Don't bother flogging a dead horse. For whatever reason this man has lost interest.

@RoséProsecco No, I wasn't asking for much either. I didn't want to move in or anything. It was just the actual relationship he couldn't cope with.. having feelings, me having feelings. Having an impact on someone else emotionally, feeling responsible or guilty or whatever. It was just too much for him.

We almost got back together at one point but I was firm and said he needed to work on his commitment phobia. I spelled it out that I wasn't asking for anything other than someone who would try and work through any bumps in the relationship rather than just go silent and run a mile. Well, he just carried on changing the subject and avoiding talking about anything.

We still talk. I still love him in many ways but I don't see him and don't miss the rollercoaster.

Oh and despite the usual MN response, he didn't have anyone else. Hasn't met anyone else since. He's just more ok with me at arms length than where we were.

@AllSoComplicated - sounds similar!

He's worked away for most of the last 4 years & interestingly he never married the mother of his children & they were together 20ish years so I guess he's just a non-committal man.

although I think most of the other PPs advice is correct, if you just want dates and sex then maybe that’s what he wants too but has pulled back because he sees it getting more involved especially over Christmas? Did he buy you anything for Christmas?

@Unicorntastic - I don't know if he got me anything as I haven't seen him & as it stands there are no plans to meet up.

I'd not mentioned anything about a present to him.

He has said he really struggles with Xmas presents - never knows what to get people.

I think it's possible a lot of what he's told you isn't true and he's been living a double life and still has his family home where he goes back to
Have you done some internet digging on him ?

@solice84 - definitely no family home - it was sold when him & his ex split up.

He lives in a flat near me & his work put him up in serviced apartments when he stays in London on alternate weeks.

I've been to his flat many, many times & it's 100% not a family home. He was all for giving me a spare set of keys a couple of weeks ago & has now gone flaky this last week.

There's another theory that he simply didn't want to buy you anything for Christmas so has avoided you until after the new year.

Tbh, from what you say-you like to socialise, work ft so don’t have much time to spare, want light hearted dating doesn’t sound as if you want to make someone a priority so why expect it from someone else? I would ask him outright-and see what answer you get. It’s not being needy or begging-say you’ve noticed a cooling off so is it time for you both to move on? And be upfront with what it is you actually want-life is too short to play games especially when older! It would stop me feeling like sex if someone was messing me around!

He might just be busy over Christmas with family / friends and be a bit crap at staying in touch. Don’t decide what’s going on from guess work and other mumsnetters’s bad experiences with other men. Do ask him.

and if you find he is too off hand with you then make your decision based on that.

@MrsRachelDanvers - I have absolutely prioritised him in the little time I have & both of us have communicated well previously to arrange things around the time we do have together - I'd say until now we have both mutually gone out of our way to do this. There's always been a fair bit of taking turns eg to travel, with each others places etc.

I've said to him previously that I am totally ok on my own (as is he) but miss meals out, movies, sex.

My last message to him was along the lines of: it would be nice to catch up, let me know when you are free. That was on Wednesday evening & nothing since - we usually message multiple times daily.

So I have to decide between just letting that lie & waiting for him to come back to me.

Or messaging/calling to say I've noticed a change in communication & does he want to leave things.

As others have said, if he really wanted he'd be in touch.

Sorry OP you sound amazing and deserve better than him.

“Only give your time to a man who can’t wait to be with you and makes you a priority”

An old lady told me this way back.Its so true. There should be no confusion. If you’re confused, he’s not into you.

Op, you feel he’s slow dumping you.
He probably is and is seeing someone else he’s met online.

Nip this in the bud and quick- dump him by blocking and moving on.
You keep your self respect that way.
Don't waste any more of your time on him. He’s not who you thought he was.

And fucking hell, he's just messaged me!! 😭

You know, I was listening to Danny Robins audiobook yesterday based on his Uncanny podcast. He said the thing that scares people is things out of place. You get used to a pattern and when something suddenly does not fit, it's unsettling. He was talking about the paranormal but I think it's not way off here.

Not texting over Xmas might have seemed ok if you weren't in touch several times a day before. That's what signalled my relationship was on its way out. It's the sudden shift. It's not nice. They know they're doing it. But rather than talk about needing space or whatever, they run away....and then possibly even gaslight us into thinking we're being needy.

It's poor behaviour.

@RoséProsecco sorry, x posted. Hope you are ok and you at least have an answer.

Good message for rubbish message? Wondering if a good message leaves you even more in the dark about his recent behaviour.

What did he say?

What did he want?

OP what did you say when he mentioned giving you keys?

2 messages, one just chitchat.

The other that he's got plans today/tomorrow.

Nothing about arranging a date/time to meet up.

He's a time waster.

@Dotcheck - it was for a night out I was having, near his flat - I'd asked if he'd be around and could I stay over.

He'd said he thought he'd be in London but I was welcome to stay at his - hence giving me the keys.

We didnt manage to organise anything as he went bank to London then he actually ended up being back, but on a night out.

On the actual night he said he "might" be back for me to stay over but I got the last bus home as "might" wasn't clear enough & I didn't want to be stranded alone at night in his town.

It was the next day he "fell asleep" on the sofa.