BIL always so mean to my DS. Don't know how to handle it.

[Blubunnie]

My BIL (DH's brother) has two sons. Both are slightly neurodiverse but high functioning. Like some parents do he likes to show off about their achievements eg one is a maths genius and one is really artistic. They struggle in other ways eg communication, eye contact, obsessions etc but neither have a diagnosis. Their parents treat them like babies in some ways eg they still have their food cut up for them (they are 14 and 11), don't dress themselves, parents brush their teeth for them etc. whereas they are perfectly capable of doing this (and have done so perfectly happily when parents aren't around) so it's a really weird vibe in general.

What is upsetting is that BIL (but not SIL) takes every opportunity to criticise or put down my DS who is 13. DS is polite, mature, kind and capable so it does stick out when he does "normal" things that his cousins don't do. Like he would offer to make others a cup for tea while his cousins are having their dinner cut up for them and eating it with toddler cutlery. BIL criticises my DS or "jokingly" pokes fun at hin all the time. In the past I've just put it down to BIL being a bit overprotective of his sons and kind of wanting to even things out by praising his sons for doing basic things like put their shoes on (which they are more than capable of doing) while saying that DS's shoes make him look like a clown - just one example.

But my DS is starting to get really upset about it. BIL ignores my DD who is 8 as presumably he doesn't see her as being in competition with his DSs. Anything DS says he gets made fun of or criticised for. My DH has spoken to BIL about it but he gets all defensive and starts huffing and puffing and saying he's just joking. But he keeps on doing it and it's clearly not a joke and has a malicious undertone.

I don't really know how else we can handle it. It's sensitive as I think BIL clearly feels like my DS "shows up" his DSs differences and it makes him uncomfortable so he goes out of his way to praise his DSs while pulling down my DS. If it was just my feelings being hurt I would ignore it as I think he's not worth engaging with. But DS has to spend time around him and I don't know if I should be stepping up more to protect him from it or just accept that is how it is. DS is really mature and is aware of why BIL is behaving that way towards him but it doesn't stop him feeling hurt by it.

Unfortunately there's no escaping BIL as we are visiting family from overseas and DH and BIL's Dad has terminal cancer so we are having an extended "holiday" in thr UK to spend time with him.

Not really sure what I'm asking here as I don't think taking to BIL again will make any difference, and I can't remove DS from the situation as he is spending time with his Grandpa. Just wanted to see if anyone has any words of advice I suppose.

“Stop being a dick BIL”

repeat as needed

Back your DS to the hilt and get your DH to as well. Call it out when you hear it, give your DS your backing to tell him to fuck off if you're not in earshot. He sounds insufferable.

Start criticising BIL in everything (and I mean everything) he does. When he complains, claim you're only joking and clearly he can't take a joke.

You need to raise this with questions

why do you think that? What made you say that? You think DS is X for making tea?

Keep repeating it and make him accountable.

"BIL, don't say anything about my son ever again."

Him and his wife sound like incredibly odd people.

What makes it slightly more complicated is that DH's parents also massively overcompensate for the two boys and praise them for doing anything "normal" while DS (and DD) are held to much higher standards and basically never praised by DH's parents for doing anything, however amazing. DH's parents also don't like anyone "making a scene" and are defensive about BIL's behaviour towards DS eg saying its just a joke etc. So it feels like we're on our own watching this weird horrible behaviour and everyone else is normalising it.

Protect your son fgs

He sounds jealous and insecure. He shouldn't be picking on a child, there is no excuse. Limit the time you spend with him.

OP you have to stand up for your son xx

Interesting as DS actually tried this today and it just ended up with BIL picking on him even more. When DH points out BIL's behaviour he goes all huffy and defensive and says we can't take a joke.

You need to be very blunt with all of them. "Don't say nasty things about my children please."

It's just a joke? Ask them to explain the humour.

Advocate for your son. If the ILs don't like it, tough tit, but your son will know you've got his back.

Spend time with sick Grandpa as and when you need to and then get him out of there, opt out of the full family scenario and if you're staying with BIL it's time for a hotel. If DH wants to stay enmeshed that's up to him, but your DS needs your backing. This is unacceptable.

Can his children manage to eat meals in school without having their food cut up for them? Your brother-in-law and his wife sound very very odd and it doesn't sound as though they are doing their children any favours at all.

Maybe I have been too passive about it. DS knows we absolutely have his back but we're also trying to smooth things over as the family dynamic is pretty tense at the moment. I spoke to MIL about it and she said that's just how BIL is so I was made to feel like I was overreacting. We will be seen as the bad guys and the jealous ones if we make a fuss. It's such a weird family atmosphere! We're here for another week so I was thinking maybe we should just suck it up but the responses on here make me think we need to be firmer.

For what it's worth, DS is confident and can already see through this behaviour as being based on insecurity and jealousy. We've discussed that he's only targeted as he's seen as a threat and he's not overly upset by it but it's still hurtful and just really annoying more than anything else!

That's a whole other issue. There are areas where these boys clearly have needs due to their neurodiversity and these aren't being met. But other areas where they are babied unnecessarily. It's a weird mess but they won't take any advice so it's an area we've learnt not to go near.

But my DS is starting to get really upset about it. BIL ignores my DD who is 8 as presumably he doesn't see her as being in competition with his DSs. Anything DS says he gets made fun of or criticised for

Both of you need to just stop with this weak parenting style, and stand up for your son. This is disgraceful. Your husband should have banned BIL from your home already. How can you, as adults, display to your own child that a man can belittle, scorn and upset him, and his own parents can't even defend him and put a stop to it?

What are you scared of? If it's because BIL is 'family' and you don't want to rock the boat then that's even worse. I feel sorry for your son.

Your poor kids! As others have said, pull him up EVERY TIME he criticises your son, be short and sharp, 'stop it, that's not funny' 'don't criticise my child - I don't criticise yours do I?', and if he still continues I'd go harder with 'I can appreciate it must be difficult having children with special needs - but don't take out your frustrations on my children' or 'does it make you feel clever/like a big man when you criticise my child?'

It's obviously very sad that you're dealing with the illness of a parent but that doesn't give your bil the right to act like a dick and bully your kids!

BACK YOUR SON UP EVERY TIME !!! CALL YOUR BIL OUT EVERY TIME !!!

CHRIST! ITS NOT THAT HARD

"Stop with the jokes BIL, they're not funny"

I absolutely hate that it's a joke BS. It's an excuse used by bullies. Away from PIL, tell BIL it's only a joke if the person it's made about thinks it's a joke, otherwise it's just bullying and from now on you and DH will be calling him out every single time he bullies your son and then call him out every single time. FWIW all my DC are Autistic and I think it's disgusting behaviour. BIL is an adult and he needs to get over himself and stop bullying his nephew. PIL behaviour is nasty too, DS is expected to be man enough to put up with this and yet BIL is not expected to be man enough to cope with his situation without bullying a child.

I always like to keep the peace but if anyone started on my children the gloves would be off!

Teach DS to say "Fuck off you mentalist" at every opportunity

Call BIL out on this EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Do not allow him to say 'it was just a joke'. Raise your voices. Stick up for your son. This is absolute shitty behaviour for your DS to have to put up with. Any and every time BIL says something unnecessary to your DS, raise your voice and say with authority to STOP IT.

And move to a Airbnb/hotel - anywhere. Your son should not have to be in this environment another day.

And yes to this.