BIL always so mean to my DS. Don't know how to handle it.

[Blubunnie]

My BIL (DH's brother) has two sons. Both are slightly neurodiverse but high functioning. Like some parents do he likes to show off about their achievements eg one is a maths genius and one is really artistic. They struggle in other ways eg communication, eye contact, obsessions etc but neither have a diagnosis. Their parents treat them like babies in some ways eg they still have their food cut up for them (they are 14 and 11), don't dress themselves, parents brush their teeth for them etc. whereas they are perfectly capable of doing this (and have done so perfectly happily when parents aren't around) so it's a really weird vibe in general.

What is upsetting is that BIL (but not SIL) takes every opportunity to criticise or put down my DS who is 13. DS is polite, mature, kind and capable so it does stick out when he does "normal" things that his cousins don't do. Like he would offer to make others a cup for tea while his cousins are having their dinner cut up for them and eating it with toddler cutlery. BIL criticises my DS or "jokingly" pokes fun at hin all the time. In the past I've just put it down to BIL being a bit overprotective of his sons and kind of wanting to even things out by praising his sons for doing basic things like put their shoes on (which they are more than capable of doing) while saying that DS's shoes make him look like a clown - just one example.

But my DS is starting to get really upset about it. BIL ignores my DD who is 8 as presumably he doesn't see her as being in competition with his DSs. Anything DS says he gets made fun of or criticised for. My DH has spoken to BIL about it but he gets all defensive and starts huffing and puffing and saying he's just joking. But he keeps on doing it and it's clearly not a joke and has a malicious undertone.

I don't really know how else we can handle it. It's sensitive as I think BIL clearly feels like my DS "shows up" his DSs differences and it makes him uncomfortable so he goes out of his way to praise his DSs while pulling down my DS. If it was just my feelings being hurt I would ignore it as I think he's not worth engaging with. But DS has to spend time around him and I don't know if I should be stepping up more to protect him from it or just accept that is how it is. DS is really mature and is aware of why BIL is behaving that way towards him but it doesn't stop him feeling hurt by it.

Unfortunately there's no escaping BIL as we are visiting family from overseas and DH and BIL's Dad has terminal cancer so we are having an extended "holiday" in thr UK to spend time with him.

Not really sure what I'm asking here as I don't think taking to BIL again will make any difference, and I can't remove DS from the situation as he is spending time with his Grandpa. Just wanted to see if anyone has any words of advice I suppose.

I’m a people pleaser OP, it’s something I’m working on. I’d struggle with this too, but ultimately your son needs to know that you will stand up to anyone for him when he needs you too. You have to do this or he will remember this and feel very let down by you when he’s older.

BIL sounds like a MASSIVE twat. Can’t believe your DH is letting this slide. This is bullying.

We have a similar family member. I say jokingly back 'excuse me that's my son ! Pick on someone your own size- do ypu want to say anabout my (feet/tea making etc) because I'll tell you about yours if you like? ' said in a joking manner but obviously he gets the message have to say stuff like that alot- he picks on mydd10 but my ds8 is apparently perfect in his eyes as is his dd8. No clue why. He backs down quickly when confronted and we get ' calm down only joking!' Or 'wow can't take a joke!' I always answer 'oh can't you ,don't worry it'll come as ypu mature... just joking of course!' Or 'oh I was joking too, lighten up!'

Ah the joys of family time ah- you have my sympathy.

Definitely do this.
(Perhaps at some point with a reminder that jokes are things where everyone laughs at the funny bit, and that's not happening)

Please just don't subject your son to this! Protect him! It could effect his self esteem permanently. Don't have him around your son.
Is your relationship with these people really worth it?
Anyone who bullied my children wouldn't come within a mile of us.

A bit of truth? You're very confident of your imagined insight there @Wibblywobblylikejelly .

This is not an episode of Eastenders, where everything is neatly laid out for us to easily digest.
These are actual people with circumstances and history, as well as relationships and all the variables that come with it....like in your family. There are mitigating factors...special needs, Christmas, terminal bloody illness...all of which the OP is considering as a mature adult might. She has even written about it here to seek advice for the week ahead.
Why are you attacking her?

You could look him straight in the eye next time and say - ‘do you know the dictionary definition of bullying BIL?’

And then quote the Oxford dictionary at him.

It is when the people involved are spending time together because one of them (FIL) is dying,
It is when this might be the last time the DH will see his dad.

Yes there is a need for the OP to make a stand.
But the situation is certainly making the whole thing much harder to handle.

This
I would raise it big style, if BIL can voice himself in front of others, so can you. I wouldn't have it. Say to him just because he sees it as a joke doesnt make it a joke .. if he gets defensive , walk out with your son!!! See other family members separate from BIL. PROTECT YOUR SON

In this situation I would give my son permission to be as rude as he likes in return. I wouldn’t give a shit if it upset anyone else either.

To be blunt OP, all this pussyfooting around because your FIL is dying is ridiculous. When he’s dead are you going to carry on letting this twat abuse your child or will you then do something about it?

Just say "I appreciate it must be really difficult to see [your son's name] being such a confident, polite and smart boy, whilst your own both have special needs. But please don't take your frustrations out on him".
In front of your son.

Oh god, please don’t say this!

OP has repeatedly patted herself on the back with "but my son knows I have his back"

And yet she doesn't does she? So you may be going with kid gloves and there there but I put her in the same category as the bullying uncle as she's subjecting her poor child to the bullying and doing sweet FA about it.

I Don't see why she should be given any consideration when she has allowed this to happen. The solutions are so easy to any mother with any amount of love for her child but the only reason he is a sacrificial pig is because she has placed every single adult above him.

I like @Backinthedress approach.
It’s hard to be seen as aggressive - even though I’m pretty sure BIL will huff and puff - and will make it harder for him to explain.

Fwiw @Blubunnie despite what some posters seem to think, you have already tried to pull him up in that. Hence the comments about it being a joke etc…
There is also a whole history between your PIL and BIL.
So my gut instinct is that your BIL will not change.

It then leaves you with going LC or NC with him. Or at least for your DH (And You) to see him Wo your dcs.
Obviously, not suitable for just right now. But might be the basis of your strategy. Grey rocking him now (and talking to your ds about it), in a similar way than you are doing, might be the best course of action until you can take some distance

Tell your BIL that his ridiculing your son is precisely the same as the comments he dislikes to hear about his own sons. Tell him plainly that his comments hit your son precisely as he intends them to, they humiliate him, make him feel unwanted in his own family.

Tell BIL that his behaviour makes him a small, stupid, vindictive man and even your children have seen through him. Tell him that you are sad for him as all your kids wanted to do was be part of the family, lived by their blood relatives and instead he is childish and vindictive enough to take that away from them.

Don't pull your punches, tell him exactly what his behaviour is doing to your son and how very badly that reflects on him.

He hasn't bothered to care about your son so forget about being careful of his feelings. He is an adult, he can work his way through his emotional response without damaging your son's self esteem

Does your DS know he can be rude back and/or stand up for himself. I mean I agree with others you need to take action to protect DS but I’d also let him know I’d have his back if he wants to respond and defend himself. My son is a lovely thoughtful and helpful boys like yours. Sometimes he needs to be reminded that there are times when rudeness is allowable and I will stand by him.

I'd ask bil since it was all just fun , would it be ok if you made the same type of 'jokes' to hi sons and see what he thinks.

We wouldn’t dream of treating your children like that, stop treating ours like that.

protect your son.

"Are you deliberately being a shit to DS? Stop it."

Don't leave your son alone with your bil and anytime he says anything negative to him call him out on it. Every. Single. Time.

And yes to this

@Wibblywobblylikejelly
It's a shame you're in such a spiteful mood today but it's not the OP's fault.
I think you're being as nasty as you like while telling yourself it's justified.
Do as you will...your posts speak for themselves.

To be blunt OP, all this pussyfooting around because your FIL is dying is ridiculous.

It’s obviously not your dad who is dying….
Im not sure the OP’s DH (or her ds) would appreciate a huge showdown at that time.

“That’s enough. It’s not funny” every single time he does it. It doesn’t need to be more complicated than that.

This is seriously fucked up. BIL I mean. Firstly u need to protect DH and tell BIL in no u certain terms he must STOP BULLYING him -and no it’s not jokes- that’s pure passive aggressive. It’s BULLYING he’s a child!!!
Second- ew he cuts up their food & fastens their shoes for them at that age when they can do it themselves??? Wtf. Does he want to keep them incapable? Sounds like Muchausens by Proxy ir something! Poor kids. This is all very toxic I’d be looking at ways to keep away.

Winner!

I'm not.
Yes it is her fault her son is unable to escape ab environment where he is bullied. He can't leave.

I'm not being nasty....but the OP is.

So say to BIL again that he needs to stop. When he says "it is just a joke". Then just say back " it's a joke to you but it's not funny and none of us enjoy the joke, so please stop".
Don't make it just about DS but say that no one is laughing/enjoying it. Same to PIL if they say just a joke. You need to pull.him up on it every time then thereafter.
"BIL, I already asked you not to do that as we don't like those jokes, they are not funny"

Non stop. Every time. He'll get bored eventually