BIL always so mean to my DS. Don't know how to handle it.

[Blubunnie]

My BIL (DH's brother) has two sons. Both are slightly neurodiverse but high functioning. Like some parents do he likes to show off about their achievements eg one is a maths genius and one is really artistic. They struggle in other ways eg communication, eye contact, obsessions etc but neither have a diagnosis. Their parents treat them like babies in some ways eg they still have their food cut up for them (they are 14 and 11), don't dress themselves, parents brush their teeth for them etc. whereas they are perfectly capable of doing this (and have done so perfectly happily when parents aren't around) so it's a really weird vibe in general.

What is upsetting is that BIL (but not SIL) takes every opportunity to criticise or put down my DS who is 13. DS is polite, mature, kind and capable so it does stick out when he does "normal" things that his cousins don't do. Like he would offer to make others a cup for tea while his cousins are having their dinner cut up for them and eating it with toddler cutlery. BIL criticises my DS or "jokingly" pokes fun at hin all the time. In the past I've just put it down to BIL being a bit overprotective of his sons and kind of wanting to even things out by praising his sons for doing basic things like put their shoes on (which they are more than capable of doing) while saying that DS's shoes make him look like a clown - just one example.

But my DS is starting to get really upset about it. BIL ignores my DD who is 8 as presumably he doesn't see her as being in competition with his DSs. Anything DS says he gets made fun of or criticised for. My DH has spoken to BIL about it but he gets all defensive and starts huffing and puffing and saying he's just joking. But he keeps on doing it and it's clearly not a joke and has a malicious undertone.

I don't really know how else we can handle it. It's sensitive as I think BIL clearly feels like my DS "shows up" his DSs differences and it makes him uncomfortable so he goes out of his way to praise his DSs while pulling down my DS. If it was just my feelings being hurt I would ignore it as I think he's not worth engaging with. But DS has to spend time around him and I don't know if I should be stepping up more to protect him from it or just accept that is how it is. DS is really mature and is aware of why BIL is behaving that way towards him but it doesn't stop him feeling hurt by it.

Unfortunately there's no escaping BIL as we are visiting family from overseas and DH and BIL's Dad has terminal cancer so we are having an extended "holiday" in thr UK to spend time with him.

Not really sure what I'm asking here as I don't think taking to BIL again will make any difference, and I can't remove DS from the situation as he is spending time with his Grandpa. Just wanted to see if anyone has any words of advice I suppose.

He might SEEM emotionally mature but he is still a child, he physically doesn’t have the brain maturity to handle this as an adult (you) should. He should have been shielded from this bully long before now.

FWIW OP I think your way of handling it is exactly right. There are lots on MN that seem to think it is fine to cause a massive family rift, but it just isn't worth it. You have helped your DS have the tools to deal with the situation, and it sounds like he is confident enough to know it is not about him. At an already hard time for the family, no one is going to benefit if you go in all guns blazing. You can't change BIL, so you can only do your best to manage the situation that you are stuck with.

I don't blame you OP, some comments on this thread have been despicable - total strangers who think it's acceptable to tell another stranger that they don't love their child, based on bored readers who want you to engineer a confrontation for their own entertainment and satisfaction. The arrogance and spite on here has been dreadful.

You sound like an intelligent mum to a mature son to me.

“Does it make you feel like a big man when you bully a child, BIL?”

”No - it’s not ‘just a joke’ - it’s an adult bullying a child, and it needs to stop now!”

'You just cant take a joke'

'That's right, not when it is to do with my son.'

'You are over sensitive'

'Yep'

Repeat as needed.

I’d equip your DS with some pointed “jokey” responses.

“Oh look, Uncle Tom is trying to be funny again…” + eye roll

”Oh I think Uncle Tom wants the attention again! Someone give him some attention quickly!”

“Uncle Tom, you’re looking a bit grumpy again. Maybe an early night tonight?”

Don't be so utterly ridiculous!!!

You're between a rock and a hard place here @Blubunnie, and please don't take any of the ignorant comments to heart. They say more about the posters than anything. You cannot go in all guns blazing in this difficult family situation. Your DS knows your BIL is a knob and that he's only going to be in his company for a few more days. He sounds a confident, self-assured lad, and I doubt he will take this dickhead's comments to heart.

I still think I'd interject every time. Like getting an easy question, "they're only easy if you know the answer!" or, "get to the point" - "well he would do if you weren't interrupting him so rudely"! Or if he says he's just joking, say, "jokes are supposed to be funny, yours aren't".

I'd also try to limit opportunities for interaction between them where possible.

Perhaps taking him aside and being very direct might put a haste to his gallop - ask him how he would feel if you said, "can they not do that for themselves?" when cutting up his sons' food, or "why are you cleaning X's teeth?" and remember that when he opens his big gob to criticise your son!

PS don't be bullied off your own thread either by posters with the empathy of a goldfish!!

Adults who'd rather keep up appearances than stand up for their own child against an adult bully, aren't to be applauded. That kind of attitude as a parent isn't the win some of you seem to think it is.

If an adult came here talking about being bullied by another adult there'd be all sorts of 'No, don't put up with it'. But the OP & her husband, who are more concerned with appeasing adults than openly showing solidarity to their own child, are somehow to be lauded.

I wonder if in future when the OP's son is older and he's wiser to the inaction of his parents, and no doubt the boorish BIL will still be around then too - he'll be rightly disdainful and get as far away from them all as possible. Hopefully his self-esteem isn't shattered by then - but oh yes, that doesn't matter because he's a child. Adults matter more than him.

OP describes her son as 'mature enough' to deal with an adult bully. aka that's ok then. Nonsense. She and husband can't deal with this man but her 13 year old son can? Yeah, sure. I doubt there's anyone on thread who could let relentless bullying from a man fly over their heads nor would they have been able to have comebacks as a child. Stop lying to yourselves.

@Blubunnie you and your ds are more mature than many posters on this thread tbh.

The way your ds is approaching it is superb.
And it has the big advantage to put him in the driving seat rather than treating him like a child and a victim.

seat rather than treating him like a child

All very well except he IS a child.

In front of everyone "Honestly, I'm at a loss, explain it to me like I'm a child, what part of picking on my child exactly is it that you find amusing? Would you like us to point out things to pick on about your children, because I wouldn't dream of it, it really is very strange and we would all really rather you stopped as your amusement does not trump my child's right to feel comfortable and safe with his family. Enough is really enough,"

One that wants to handle it on his own.
One that wants to make it a learning opportunity for himself.

And he can do all that knowing that the OP is nearby whilst he tries it out - ready to support him if need be, because he is a TEEN still needing support.

“With jokes, everybody is supposed to laugh.
You’re picking on a 14-year-old. Stop it, or I’ll start making jokes about who has to have their meat cut up for them and shoes tied for them. Do you really want to go down that road?”
He’s a bully, @Blubunnie— nothing more.
Remind him that there’s more than one jokemeister in the family.

Thirteen not seventeen or eighteen. Barely out of primary.

He is trying to cope with it himself because he has had to - this isn’t a new thing for him. Presumably his grandfather hasn’t been on his death bed for years His parents have done nothing to protect him. Nothing.