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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband or Parents .... Head is spinning!

464 replies

Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:17

Been married for a few years, I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life. So fastforward to these past few weeks my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him. They have made numerous comments to me about this and have argued with me huge arguments regarding this. I feel stuck in the middle, I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do. I am literally depressed and miserable about all this. They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/
Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 27/12/2023 23:19

I'm confused. You say your parents complain he never calls them but then say you live with them, so why would he call them when you live in the same house?

I never call my in-laws and DH never calls my Mum. We've been married for 30 years and it's never been an issue.

Anneta · 27/12/2023 23:20

It sounds like your parents are jealous because you are staying with his mother at the moment. They are being ridiculous and unkind and you are too if you are not backing your husband and telling them to leave him alone. I can’t believe that you are considering breaking up your family over this.

Namemchangeforthispostonly101 · 27/12/2023 23:20

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to take this down now.

JenJenJenJenJenJen · 27/12/2023 23:20

EmmaGrundyForPM · 27/12/2023 23:19

I'm confused. You say your parents complain he never calls them but then say you live with them, so why would he call them when you live in the same house?

I never call my in-laws and DH never calls my Mum. We've been married for 30 years and it's never been an issue.

OP and her husband live with his mother. It’s her parents that are causing the fuss about him not ringing.

GreatGateauxsby · 27/12/2023 23:21

my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him.

If I phoned my mil the first thing she’d want to know is
a. Did something happen to her son?
b. Why am I calling /what do I need?

my DH loves my mum and they get on well. He might call twice a year? And it’ll be a 30sec call to say we are running late or ask if she can pick something up on the way to ours.

your parents have wildly out of kilter expectations.
Your DH doesn’t need to call them at all to be a good husband or SIL.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/12/2023 23:21

EmmaGrundyForPM · 27/12/2023 23:19

I'm confused. You say your parents complain he never calls them but then say you live with them, so why would he call them when you live in the same house?

I never call my in-laws and DH never calls my Mum. We've been married for 30 years and it's never been an issue.

No, she says they are living with his mother, not the OP's parents.

zeibesaffron · 27/12/2023 23:22

Dear god my husband never called my parents- why would he!! Whats wrong with your parents- whats the expectation here?

My husband and parents loved each other very much - he just didn’t feel the need to call them!!!

Charlize43 · 27/12/2023 23:23

It sounds to me like they don't like him and are using this lame excuse to try and sour your marriage.

Were your parents very controlling while you were growing up?

CobraChicken · 27/12/2023 23:24

pikkumyy77 · 27/12/2023 23:14

This is a reverse, isn’t it? Because wives are absolutely expected to call the inlaws.

They absolutely aren't!

LaughingCat · 27/12/2023 23:26

Ummm…wtaf? o.O Like literally everyone on this thread, I’ve never called my in-laws to see how they are and I adore them! Your parents sound a bit controlling. If you don’t see how weird this is and you haven’t stood up to them on your husband’s behalf, there’s something wrong.

If this was the other way around - you complaining that your in-laws’ behaviour makes you feel third-rate, not good enough for their son and they had unreasonable expectations of you, and you said your husband hadn’t given them a stern talking to, telling them to back off and start respecting his wife and the mother of his child…we’d all be calling him a spineless mummy’s boy and to LTB.

Give your head a wobble and step back - you’ll see that you’ve been conditioned from a young age to accept some very odd behaviour and expectations from your parents!

DamsonDress · 27/12/2023 23:28

Op, Are you shocked that all the posters are saying your parents are out of order and your husband has done nothing wrong? Is it helping you see the situation differently at all?

Beautiful3 · 27/12/2023 23:29

I've never called my in laws, and neither has my husband called his. Your parents are being really unreasonable. Only you need to check in with your parents, and your husband does the same with his parents.

Catsfrontbum · 27/12/2023 23:29

The parents are playing petty jealousies and this is very toxic of them.

I would ask them to back off.

why are living with your MIL?

I do have a close and good relationship with my PiLs and I do call them up. But I would say I am the exception to the rule!

SkySecret · 27/12/2023 23:29

This is baffling. If you live with your parents why would he need to phone them? Surely he sees them everyday?

I was with my ex for 11 years and when we met we were only young so lived at home. He stayed at mine most nights and got on fine with my parents but never had socials with them. Once we got our own place he didn’t start calling them up 🤣

Current DP of two years gets on well with them, he’s more outgoing and good with chatting to people. He will call round at theirs if they need something, but wouldn’t call them up just to ask how they are. He sees them a fair amount going round there with me or them coming here. I’d say he talks to them a lot more than ex-p did but still wouldn’t ring for a chat!

(I didn’t call my ex’s parents either, and current DP doesn’t have any. But I still wouldn’t!)

EmmaGrundyForPM · 27/12/2023 23:32

Thanks @AllProperTeaIsTheft that makes more sense!

pikkumyy77 · 27/12/2023 23:34

CobraChicken · 27/12/2023 23:24

They absolutely aren't!

Show quote history

Bullshit. Half the pre-thanksgiving and Christmas posts on mumsnet and many of the posts in re eldercare are about wives doing the admin, arranging, care and feeding of the husband’s parents.

autienotnaughty · 27/12/2023 23:34

Why does he need to call you them? I've been with dh 15 years hes maybe called my parents 5 times in that. Next time say 'I pass all your news on, why do you need to speak to him? If you have something to tell him ring him yourself.'

LaughingCat · 27/12/2023 23:37

pikkumyy77 · 27/12/2023 23:14

This is a reverse, isn’t it? Because wives are absolutely expected to call the inlaws.

Erm…whut? No. My mum never called her in-laws. None of my seven aunts called their in-laws. I’ve only once called my in-laws - my DH had just had a seizure and I called them to let them know what had happened and that he was ok…and they were in panic mode the second they heard my voice because…wives aren’t typically expected to call their in-laws where I’m from. (For cultural info - I’m 40yo female north UK, mother late 60s, aunts between 50 and early 80s, southern UK and southern Netherlands).

StJulian2023 · 27/12/2023 23:41

Agree expectations are odd. I WhatsApp/arrange to see my in laws because DH died some years ago, and we have a great relationship as do my DC with them. When DH was alive he spoke to his parents, arranged visits etc - because they were his parents…

splothersdog · 27/12/2023 23:44

I call my MIL because we are very close - lots in common, similar lines of work, hobbies etc. I think this is probably the exception rather than the rule.
My DH has only called my parents a handful of time and then in an emergency.

Bluela18 · 27/12/2023 23:45

Your parents should not be putting this amount of pressure or expectation on . Why does your husband need to be phoning them and asking how they are. Do they call him and ask him how he's is?? Very odd!

Mama9076 · 27/12/2023 23:51

My husband has never called or text my parents to see how they are. Does/did your Dad call his in-laws regularly?

Lalalanding · 27/12/2023 23:51

Controlling people make demands, have overstepping expectations, disregard boundaries from family members. Your parents sound controlling from what you have written and you sound like you lack adult independence from them. That is where I would focus your energy, developing your independence.

saraclara · 27/12/2023 23:55

pikkumyy77 · 27/12/2023 23:34

Bullshit. Half the pre-thanksgiving and Christmas posts on mumsnet and many of the posts in re eldercare are about wives doing the admin, arranging, care and feeding of the husband’s parents.

Show quote history

But even if you're right (and I don't think you are) they're not about women calling their in-laws for a random chat.

Teenagehorrorbag · 27/12/2023 23:56

God how weird!

DH has never rung my Dad and Stepmum - they are my family. I suppose he might if he were arranging a surprise party for me or DCs, or if if I was carted off to hospital - but never for a chat. Who does?

That said - I do ring his Mum quite often but she lives a mile away, she's 96 and on her own, and I do her shopping when I do mine. So I might ring to check what she needs, or yes- ask after her health if DH is at work and she's been unwell (I work part time and flexibly). And when the DCs (and she) were younger we used to take them shopping together and go out for lunch, or she helped me take them swimming etc, so we do have a relationship outside of DH.

So I suppose it depends on the circumstances - but definitely ringing in laws for a chat unless you are really close, is absolutely not a thing, as far as I am aware!