This broke my heart to read. It’s hard enough that first year with a new baby without the crap your parents are piling on you.
You do not owe your parents anything. They chose to create you.
You have now chosen to create a child and that is your main priority. You sound like you want the best for your son.
Your parents demands and treatment of you are NOT reasonable or ok. They are adults and capable of sorting things out for themselves. They will continue to treat you like this if YOU don’t do something different. You will be ground down by it further if YOU don’t do something different. What that is, is something you need to figure out.
My parents live very close by and I can still go a week or more without speaking to them. When I had my children it was them that helped and supported me not me them.
I very firmly, and with kindness, urge you to get some counselling. Go see your GP and tell them that you are crying all the time. Talk to a counsellor to unpick this enmeshed (overly involved) relationship you have with your parents and how to change it.
This is a summary of their behaviour that you have mentioned;
- They make unreasonable demands on you when you are a struggling new mum.
- They put you down and blame you for things, eroding your self worth and self esteem.
- They create issues between you and your DH by blaming him or putting him down.
They are making you miserable.
They are ‘toxic’ to you and toxic relationships are very bad for you and are bad for your relationship with your son and therefore his future wellbeing. You have to work on this for him, no matter how hard it is.
Your son and any future children desperatly need you to break this cycle and look after your own well-being. They will thrive if you do. They will need you and your DH to provide a calm and stable atmosphere.
I’ll post a link below to a thread that is very supportive to adult children of toxic and abusive parents. Lots of people have reduced or ceased contact with toxic parents.
Whilst you are working out how to address this toxic situation this is how you might want to look after your own well-being.
Look after your mind and body as well as you can so that it stands the best chance of coping with the contact you have (keep hydrated, eat lots of nutritious food, exercise a bit everyday, get out in nature, increase the time you spend with people that make you feel good).
When you feel that you have to be in touch with your parents (there is no law or rule that you do) set yourself up beforehand. Wear a piece of jewellery that can act as a reminder that you are an adult and what they think of you doesn’t matter.
Every time they say something hurtful say ‘well that’s your opinion and you are entitled to it’ and move on. Labelling their words in this way might help to give the words less power. They are just the thoughts that their brains send them that they then don’t filter and have no bearing on who you and your husband are. They are no facts.
After you have seen them, do things that make you feel good. Phone a friend, hug your DH or put on some music you love.
You will never make them happy. You will never be good enough for them. You are good enough, of course, but they are projecting their own unhappiness onto you, so until they address that need for themselves, nothing you do will be good enough - so quit trying.
Sending you a very big unmumsnetty hug. I’ll post the link to the really supportive thread below. 💐