Husband or Parents .... Head is spinning!

[Cappucino777]

Been married for a few years, I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life. So fastforward to these past few weeks my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him. They have made numerous comments to me about this and have argued with me huge arguments regarding this. I feel stuck in the middle, I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do. I am literally depressed and miserable about all this. They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/
Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

I do not call my in laws for a chat. I’ll ask them how they are if I see them but otherwise my DH just rings them. And vice versa with my parents.

Are they feeling left out because you live with your in-laws perhaps and taking it out on your DH? Do you not call them as much as they would like? Not saying you should change the frequency just it may explain some things.

Honestly, if he’s not doing anything to hurt you emotionally or physically, they have no right to just dislike him and make life difficult. You have a child together for gods sake. They need to grow up and you need to grow a backbone - and tell them to not let their feelings show when around you and your family.

Your parents are quite insane. When I got married I married the man I loved not his parents or family. We are all ok when we see each other at gatherings and everyone is always welcome to our home but beyond that I deal with my side and he deals with his. Unless he was stuck for advice about a surprise present for me I cannot think of any other reason baring births or accidents why he would ring my family and same for me.

It sounds like your parents don’t have a grasp of social norms or an understanding that different relationships require different levels and types of communication. Your husband’s relationship with your parents should be polite. His role is to support you and your relationship with your parents by seeing them with you. His role isn’t to be their friend or adopted son.

Do you love him? Your OP is all about how your parents feel - it should be about how you feel

He didn’t marry them, he married you.

Their expectations of him sound frankly very weird and inappropriate.

In-laws tend to contact DH on the landline so if I pick up, I have a bit of a catch up with them before passing them over to him. He does the same if he answers the phone to my parents but neither of us intentionally call our in laws.

Why would he ring your parents???? This is ODD !!!!!!!

Proper weird. And I'm VERY close to MIL.

Only child here. When my parents were alive my husband never rang them unless to communicate in an emergency or to discuss and sort out something they wanted his help with. I never rang his father either.

Not an issue in any shape or form ever. I got on brilliantly with my late FIL (DH’s Mum had died when he was young) and DH ditto with my parents. Warm and close relationships all round. Zero expectation of him ever ringing them for a chat or them ringing him for one. Everyone had everyone else’s phone number in case of emergency, and we would all have pulled out all the stops to help each other - but they were my parents and his Dad was his Dad.

DH took on more of the phone calls when Dad became very elderly, as between us we sorted out his issues, and DH is better at remaining unflustered with eg utilities, but he wasn’t their son or a substitute son.

It's not bullshit in the least.

I don't see what you claim to witness on here before the major holidays (occasional posts, yes, but not the huge proportion you claim) but even if there are a lot of those sort of posts, I assume the OPs are posting because they know that they're going to be supported by everyone acknowledging that they're in an unreasonable situation.

Plus, as has already been mentioned, even if what you wrote was correct, what's that got to do with the OP's situation? Her parents are expecting their son in law to phone them regularly for nothing more than a chat. This thread clearly shows that this is not something that the majority of DILs feel is expected of them, by their PILs.

I haven't spoke to my in laws over Xmas. My dh called them on Xmas day. I don't get the issue ?

Another one for DP never having called my parents to ask how they are.

He’s only ever contacted them directly himself when I was in labour x2 to keep them up to date/let them know that DD1 & DD2 had been born and we were all doing well.

Similarly, I’ve never rang his family for a chat.

Are you quite young? I don’t mean it rudely it’s just the fact you seem quite easily swayed by your parents demands wishes. Their opinion of your DP is definitely affecting how you see him.

Their expectations are completely over the top.

Unless there’s a huge backstory to this that you haven’t yet posted about, I would advise you start putting in place some boundaries with your parents and start backing your husband more. You can be close to your parents but they aren’t part of your relationship. Similarly, he isn’t a part of your relationship with your parents.

I had a relationship years ago (late teens) with a guy and his parents were so overly involved in our lives, it was suffocating. I broke off the relationship for several reasons, but a huge contributing factor was due to their behaviour. I could not last any longer in that sort of familial setup. Nice people, don’t get me wrong, but it felt like I was being babysat every time I went round as they never fucked off from the moment I set foot in the door. Constantly ringing him when we were out for reasons that absolutely could wait another hour or two until we got back.

All your partner actually has to do is be polite to them when he’s with them and converse a bit. He doesn’t need to be their best friend and ring them for a chat every evening.

Very strange, why would they expect your husband to call about there well-being etc?

I’ve lived with my husband for 33 years and he hasn’t once done this and I don’t expect him to, as I haven’t called his parents.

Your parents are being very unreasonable and you have an obligation to defend your dh. I don't think I ever called my dh's parents while they were alive. His family was his job.

You need to tell them that they are being over-the-top demanding.

My husband gets on well with my parents but he never contacts them himself.

Its a difficult situation but it seems your parents may be being a bit harsh. I know parents are like this and it seems nothing is ever good enough.
maybe have a word with them.

Yeah your parents have unrealistic expectations and you need to make them aware what they expect is not the norm.

Wait..there's got to be more to this.

If my DH called my mum, she'd think I'd been in an accident. But your throwaway comment about not being easy to leave now you've got a kid....you'd otherwise consider ending your marriage because your DH doesn't call to shoot the breeze with your Mum?

Bonkers

Some people just prefer to not be that overly social

This is bizarre! Been married 11 years and not once phoned my in laws, don’t even know the phone number!

I actually do ring my PILs quite often and my mum used to ring her PILs. In both cases, it was because the relationship made it a normal thing to do. In my Mum’s case, she had known her PILs from mid-teens. In my case, I actually get on better with PILs than DH does - he does lots for them and sees them regularly but isn’t one for chatting on the phone. Plus they’re pretty elderly now, too. But DH has never rung my Dad for a chat, nor did he ever ring my Mum and Stepdad when they were alive. He had perfectly good relationships with them but no-one expected it. So your parents’ expectations are unreasonable and if they have already tended to be critical of him, no wonder he doesn’t call them.

Why does your husband have to communicate with your parents! That’s your role, and he does his parents

yours sound nuts

Just here to also add that I have never once rung my inlaws to check how they are in 12 years of marriage.. i think my DH had to ring my parents a couple of times for logistical reasons..
But yeah. Your patents getting angry because your husband doesn't call them does seem unhinged of them tbh

I wouldn't dream of phoning my inlaws. We have absolutely nothing in common.

We are all very lovely to each other in person, but next to zero contact invetwrrn.

My husband talks to his mum a couple of times a week and I talk to mine. We mention how the other is, but that's about it.

I would feel cross and stressed and overwhelmed if my inlaws had expectations like your parents.

We choose the people we marry and their family (sometimes unfortunately) comes along for the ride. I don't think that anything beyond being kind, available when people need help and engaged at social gathering should be expected.

It's not usual for a DP to phone his in laws to ask how they are
You say you're living with his Parents
Could that be why they want to hear from him?

YABVU. People don’t call in-laws to shoot the breeze and ask after them. That’s the duty of the child themselves, so in this case you and your parents. I doubt my DH ever had a contact number for my parents tbh. I think he was on Facebook or something with a sibling and if there had of been an emergency he would have made contact they way. There was never an emergency so he didn’t.