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Original poster

Husband or Parents .... Head is spinning!

464 replies

Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:17

Been married for a few years, I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life. So fastforward to these past few weeks my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him. They have made numerous comments to me about this and have argued with me huge arguments regarding this. I feel stuck in the middle, I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do. I am literally depressed and miserable about all this. They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/
Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

OP posts:
bozzabollix · 27/12/2023 22:47

My husband barely rings his own parents let alone mine.I don’t often ring his parents. I think you need some boundaries with your parents, they shouldn’t make you want to separate from the father of your children just because they feel they don’t get enough attention from him. They are being incredibly unreasonable and overbearing. It’s not healthy.

AuContraire · 27/12/2023 22:48

That you are considering divorcing your DH because your parents are annoyed by his (entirely normal) lack of calls to them suggests that you have a very warped perspective on where your priorities should lie and a rather unhealthy dynamic going on with your parents.

I feel a bit sorry for your DH.

Didiplanthis · 27/12/2023 22:49

My MiL keeps wanting me to phone her for 'a chat' the thought of it makes my blood run cold... I know damn well this is the thin edge of the wedge.. as your husband probably does too... I have absolutely no desire to be at her beck and call. I deal with my parents, DH deals with his parents end of ! Your parents are being completely unreasonable as are you for even thinking your DH should be doing this... as for leaving him over it... wtaf ??? Do you have NO loyalty to your DH and immediate family ???

DamsonDress · 27/12/2023 22:49

And have a little think if your parents are a bit over-involved with other things. And whether you let them.

Don't let guilt or some notion of obligation as an only child accept it as normal. You and your husband are entitled to put boundaries in place. You are your own wee unit. Back him.

ivfbabymomma1 · 27/12/2023 22:51

The only communication we have between each others parents is a pic of DS (and tech support)

I've never ever randomly called my PIL for a chat. If I called either one I reckon they would panic and think something is wrong.

Theoldcuriosityshop · 27/12/2023 22:52

My son in law has never phoned me in 20 years of being married to my daughter, except to tell me my grandchildren have been born. I don't expect him to.

saraclara · 27/12/2023 22:53

I loved my in-laws. I couldn't have wished for better. But I didn't call them for chats. Their son did that. When he died, with my MIL still living, of course I called and visited her in his absence.
But no, proper to that, calling them was his role. Not because I didn't like speaking with them or didn't want to, but because that was his unspoken responsibility as their son.

Original poster
Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:55

I think I need to add that we live with his mother currently waiting to move out soon. I do not know if that maybe is a reason which could make them like this and ott.

OP posts:
saraclara · 27/12/2023 22:56

As a mother in law, I'd be a bit perplexed if either of my sons in law called for a chat. Perfectly nice guys both of them, but I'd find it unusual and wonder if there was some concerning reason for it

LightDrizzle · 27/12/2023 22:56

They have bizarre expectations. I suspect they are nightmares in other ways too, therefore.

TheaBrandt · 27/12/2023 22:57

Gosh this is now the 4th thread over the Christmas period where I have felt genuinely sorry for the Dh it’s usually the other way round - what is going on?!

The one where Dh paid /cooked /hosted and got no presents from the wife’s family and was slagged off by them as he was deemed too posh so he ended up crying.

The one where the Dh had to accommodate and cook for the wife’s chaotic aggressive family yet again after specifically saying he didn’t want to do so this year.

The one where the wife deemed her in laws had done Father Christmas “wrong” when her Dh was a child and planned to have it out with them.

What is wrong with these women ?!

saraclara · 27/12/2023 22:59

They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/

So why on earth do they want to chat with him? This is nuts. And they're actually having blazing rows with you about this?

MahShinyShoes · 27/12/2023 22:59

I'm an only.
I'm married to an only.
No, we do not call each others parents for socials.
I've called MIL a few times about childcare arrangements - always practical.

If my parents had moaned about this I'd have told them immediately that nobody in the history of son in laws has ever called their wife's parents for a chat.

It sounds harsh, but if they're lonely, they need to make their own friends.

Seriously79 · 27/12/2023 22:59

My DH has only called my parents once. That was when I was mid migraine and violently sick (non stop for 4 hours) and he didn't know what to do with me.

He's never called them just for a chat.

DropDeadFreida · 27/12/2023 23:00

What a bizarre overreaction by you and your parents OP. It makes me wonder if there is something else going on?

Your parents are so angry about your husband not calling them for a chat that you are considering leaving him? Have I got that right? If that is truly the case then you need to have a look at what enmeshment is and how damaging it can be for parent/child relationships. Being an only child does not give your parents the right to dictate how the other people in your life should treat them.

Crochetablanket · 27/12/2023 23:01

Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

I am not sure what this means OP, why does he have to change ?
Unless he is a criminal/awful person/treats you appallingly he should not have to change because he doesn’t call your parents. They sound very intense.

Snowdogsmitten · 27/12/2023 23:07

Eh? Why do your parents expect your husband to phone them and value them?! That’s so weird.

They seem much, much too involved and invested and need to back right off.

Littlefish · 27/12/2023 23:10

Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:55

I think I need to add that we live with his mother currently waiting to move out soon. I do not know if that maybe is a reason which could make them like this and ott.

This still doesn't change anything.

Why do your parents think your husband should be phoning them?

It's you who is married to him, not them.

Their behaviour is bizarre and unreasonable.

If you want to stay married, stand up for your husband and tell your parents to back off.

DamsonDress · 27/12/2023 23:11

think I need to add that we live with his mother currently waiting to move out soon. I do not know if that maybe is a reason which could make them like this and ott.

If it is, it is very needy, unhealthy behaviour. Even more reason for you to put boundaries in place. You are letting them overstep and it's massively affecting your marriage.

UnfortunateTypo · 27/12/2023 23:12

My husband has called my parents (I’m also an only child) once in 24 years, when our daughter was born. Don’t think I’ve ever called his parents. Why are they expecting him to call? That’s so odd.

Diggerdriverless · 27/12/2023 23:12

I have a son-in-law. He may occasionally WhatsApp me directly to discuss a birthday surprise for my daughter (we have a group chat for childcare/family visits). He is a smashing man and face-to-face will comment on a haircut, recovery from a cold etc, but if he phoned me directly I would panic. I have a similar relationship with my daughter-in-law, who I see less often - pretty positive my DS doesn't routinely phone his PiL

Outforlunchallday · 27/12/2023 23:13

They’re being ridiculous. My husband wouldn’t dream of ringing my parents for a chat. It’s just not the done thing with anyone I know or have known.
Are they generally controlling?
I would be telling them to butt out.

Seas164 · 27/12/2023 23:13

Why would you even want your DH to spend his time and energy pursuing a relationship with people that can't seem to stomach anything about him?

I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do.

Are you suggesting that if you don't have a child you would end your marriage because your husband because he doesn't make phonecalls to your parents? Do you know this isn't a healthy situation you're in? Only child or not, this is some serious overstepping on their part and some massive lack of boundaries on yours. I'm suprised that your husband is still there to be honest, this sounds like a horrendously enmeshed situation and it must be incredibly difficult for him to deal with.

You say that they feel short changed and not valued by him. How about you? I can see a lot of information here about the relationship they would like with him and very little about the one that exists between the two of you. Which is actually the point of a marriage, he's not married to them.

pikkumyy77 · 27/12/2023 23:14

This is a reverse, isn’t it? Because wives are absolutely expected to call the inlaws.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/12/2023 23:16

This is a reverse, isn’t it? Because wives are absolutely expected to call the inlaws.

Huh? I'm a wife and I'm not expected to call my inlaws!