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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband or Parents .... Head is spinning!

464 replies

Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:17

Been married for a few years, I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life. So fastforward to these past few weeks my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him. They have made numerous comments to me about this and have argued with me huge arguments regarding this. I feel stuck in the middle, I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do. I am literally depressed and miserable about all this. They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/
Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 27/12/2023 22:30

Yea, it's just weird to think of any partner ringing your parents - why on earth should he? Make your own mind up as you seem to be negative about him more because your parents are, and not really having an opinion yourself. Also, if you think he's OK, you should be standing by him regarding your parents.
Do you ring his parents regularly? Would they complain if you didn't?

GenXisthebest · 27/12/2023 22:30

DH doesn't phone my parents. I don't phone his parents. Works fine for us!

themusingsofaninsomniac · 27/12/2023 22:30

stealthninjamum · 27/12/2023 22:28

My exh never called my parents. I used to sometimes call his but I was a sahp calling them to arrange visits.

do they have any other issues because I feel quite sorry for your husband that you haven’t jumped to his defence. What are the elements of him that he is changing? Poor guy.

Completely agree with this. I feel so sorry for him, this is just going to make him miserable. You need to be prioritising him and stand up to them!

Tourmalines · 27/12/2023 22:31

couple of things you said. Your parents are giving you a headache, and they disapprove of him. That says it all . They are ridiculous. Tell them to back off . Or suck up their ass and leave your husband. Your call . Think very carefully!

pictoosh · 27/12/2023 22:31

Same as the rest here...not an expectation my mother or father ever had of my dh. I mean it's a nice thing to do, sure. It's not a norm though.

HappyKatieA · 27/12/2023 22:32

I've been married 20 years. My husband calls his parents, I call mine. It would never occur to me for it to be any different?

WhatdoIdoTree · 27/12/2023 22:33

My DH has phoned my mum once in 21 years. To ask her permission to marry me (bit archaic tbh). But other than happy bday texts never called.

BooBooBaloo · 27/12/2023 22:33

RJnomore1 · 27/12/2023 22:19

I’ve been married 25 years and I don’t think my husband has once phoned my parents to ask how they are - why on earth would he?

This. I don't ever randomly phone my in laws for a chat (my husband does) and my husband never calls mine (I do)

OP I think your parents have strange expectations

mindutopia · 27/12/2023 22:33

If I called my MIL, she would assume it’s because Dh was dead. Honestly, never in 15 years have I ever spoken on the phone to her. I actually didn’t even know her number, nor did she know mine until a few years ago. We send each other about 4 messages a month, mostly about the kids. I’d be running for the hills if I was your Dh. They sound super intense and meddling. They are your parents, your Dh mostly just has to be polite the few times a year he sees them, nothing more, for them to have a perfectly normal healthy relationship.

Winnipeggy · 27/12/2023 22:33

My husband has never ever done this. They are being extremely overly sensitive

nozbottheblue · 27/12/2023 22:34

Are YOU happy with your husband? Once you are an adult that is the important issue. Your parents have raised you (or should have) to be an independent member of society and to make your own decisions.
Would you be happy with your husband if it weren't for your parents' complaints?

Helenahandkart · 27/12/2023 22:35

My DH has never phoned my parents in almost 20 years together. I have phoned his parents once, when he was in a car crash.

Kaleidoscopeofbutterflies · 27/12/2023 22:35

He's their son in law not their son.. why would he just ring them to ask how they are?. Does he ask you how they are after you've spoken to them?
I think because you're an only child they don't understand that it's not really a normal thing to do.
Are you from another culture where it's expected?

Edinvillian · 27/12/2023 22:35

Your parents are the odd ones, seems pretty unanimous reading all the other comments.

mynameiscalypso · 27/12/2023 22:35

To be fair, I never call my own parents randomly for a chat.

Edinvillian · 27/12/2023 22:36

Also why the hell would you leave him over it? Even if you didn't have a kid together.
How often do you call his parents?

BeaRF75 · 27/12/2023 22:37

Why on earth should your husband call your parents? You may well be close to your parents, but your husband is THE most important person in your life - or should be. Maybe it's time to dial down the intensity of your relationship with mummy & daddy, and devote a bit more energy to your marriage?

MerryMarigold · 27/12/2023 22:39

I think your relationship with your parents seems to be overly intense - rather than close - (even for an only child). You are married now and a parent yourself. They need to let go a little bit and allow you to have your own life - and you need to put in some boundaries. Otherwise you could lose your DH. I couldn't live with someone who was so enmeshed with their parents.

You see 'mummy's boy' posts where wives are complaining about their overbearing MILs and they can do no right in their MIL's eyes. I fear you are 'mummy and daddy's girl' and your poor DH is suffering. Tell your parents to stop it or the are at risk of damaging their relationship with you.

SpaghettiSauceOnTheCarpet · 27/12/2023 22:39

It is your parents OP. Why are they putting so much pressure on you over this? They sound really really odd. I don’t think it’s about him either I think it sounds like control of you they want. You are even saying you can’t just leave DH as you have a child. why would you consider leaving DH because he doesn’t ring your parents?

PurpleOrchid42 · 27/12/2023 22:39

I'm wondering if maybe you're from a different cultural background to me, because my parents would never have an expectation that my husband call them!!! In fact, they'd probably be like 'why is he calling for a chat?! I haven't got time for this!!'

Quitelikeit · 27/12/2023 22:40

Nobody calls their in-laws

and god help any man you bring into their orbit

you are blind to their nonsense and are clearly being manipulated by them

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/12/2023 22:41

I don't even have my FIL phone number. I do my MIL's.

They are expecting far too much, I bet very few son-in-law's have much direct contact with their in-laws. I ask my husband how his parents are, I make sure he tells them they are welcome to visit.

Charlie2121 · 27/12/2023 22:44

I’m pretty sure my DP wouldn’t even know what my parents phone number is nor indeed would they know his. I’ve also never phoned my MIL.

We’ve been together for 20 years.

DamsonDress · 27/12/2023 22:45

I'm an only child and parents very close to me and get on with DH but just like every other poster my DH doesn't ring them or communicate much with them to be honest. No ill will. I'm point of contact for my side, he's point of contact for his.

You need to be firm with your parents. They are in the wrong here. Next time they mention it shut it down.

Tell them "That's how it is in most families. He's a good man. He doesn't need to ring you. I don't want hear any more about it."

pictoosh · 27/12/2023 22:47

Tell them "That's how it is in most families. He's a good man. He doesn't need to ring you. I don't want hear any more about it."

Yep. This works.

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