Husband or Parents .... Head is spinning!

[Cappucino777]

Been married for a few years, I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life. So fastforward to these past few weeks my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him. They have made numerous comments to me about this and have argued with me huge arguments regarding this. I feel stuck in the middle, I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do. I am literally depressed and miserable about all this. They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/
Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

Your parents are unreasonable - I have never phoned my in laws (and have no intention of starting to do so) and DH has never phoned my parents (and I don't think he needs to).

You can’t win in this scenario! You do everything you can for your parents and it’s still not enough. What more could you actually do? You call 3 times a day and that’s still not enough. You are considering divorcing your husband for them it won’t be enough! Your the cause of your mums diabetes don’t forget.

Just give up go low or no contact with them. What other choice are they giving you? Your poor husband! Poor you! You sound brainwashed. This is such a stressful read!

The word narcissist gets thrown about too much, but it is a possibility to consider with your mother. I am the only child and my mum was an only child - I was incredibly close to my parents but to be calling two or three times A DAY is madness. Actually ridiculous.

Your mother has engulfed you and now you can't see what's rationale and what isn't. You are talking about your DH in really dismissive terms just because your mother has planted that seed in your head. You need to stop now before you lose everything (including your mental health).

It's really hard but you need to take a firm stand against your mother. Do it in a letter, do it in person, do it however you like but this has to stop. The relationship is really toxic and has impacted your marriage and now your relationship with your DS. THink about that....

You don't have to go no contact if that feels unimaginable, but I suspect that your mother is not going to react well to you pushing back and you need to be ready for that.

Perhaps a 'gentle' letter or email is the way to go initially. Along the lines of "You know I love you both deeply and want our families to remain close, but I am an adult now. I am a wife and a mother and I love and respect DH who is a good man. Your expectations of him are not realistic or reasonable and are born from a relationship where your expectations of me are not realistic either. I will always be your daughter but I have a family of my own now - do not ask me to choose between the two of you. I can't and won't be pressured into such an unfair and un-necessary conflict." or however you want to say it.

But let her know that it has to stop. And stop speaking three times a day.

I do my best with them, I speak to them twice a day if not three times. I go to stay for a few days when I can. This month for example I have been every week so far. Yet this is still not enough

No, of course it’s not enough. You must prostrate yourself before them, wait on them hand and foot, and entertain them with chats every hour and daily visits, during which you must put a broom up your arse and sweep their floor for them while they sit and moan that you’re not trying hard enough.

Seriously, OP - this isn’t normal. You need to disentangle yourself from this unhealthiness. I appreciate you’ll have to do this gradually for your own sake, but do it. You do not need to speak to them multiple times a day! That’s not how adults live. Your parents are supposed to have raised you with the confidence and ability to live as an independent adult.

Communicate with them daily at first, then reduce to every other day, then a couple of times a week. Focus on your family - your child and your husband. Also, focus on yourself. You sound miserable.

If your parents complain, don’t get upset or angry because they’ll feed off this emotion and it will make things worse. Be matter of fact: “No, I can’t phone you tonight, mum and dad. I’ll give you a call on Saturday.” Repeat if they persist.

They’ve made you into what you are but you’re inadvertently reinforcing their behaviour by pandering to them. You can change. Once you do, your relationship with them will be more equal and normal hopefully.

Succinctly put - and true.

Your parents are doing their level best to destroy your marriage.

I don't think you should go on holiday with them, OP. You should try to distance yourself and your husband from them.

Of course if you are unhappily married, that is a totally different issue.

OP it sounds like your parents didn't want a child, they wanted a pet.

In your husband's shoes I'd be seriously reconsidering my marriage as I would be miserable.

I missed that part of the OP.

I'm Christian (no church affiliation) so we come at this from opposite directions, but I agree with you. You can't 'sort out' faith. Either you believe or you don't.

But I'm wondering if the OP is referring to him joining her family's specific religious denomination, 'converting' as opposed to suddenly 'believing'. Same thing, though, really. If one doesn't truly believe in the tenets of a particular denomination/religion and plan to live by them, then one shouldn't espouse their creed. It's hypocritical.

I have read this thread with growing concern. Your parents are behaving like someone involved in grooming, which is in essence what they are doing. The end game here is to control you and have you entirely at their disposal. If you do not break free the future will be bleak- and you will finish up as their carer. Not in a good way and suffering some significant abuse. Beware now while you still have a choice.

You sound horribly dependent on your parents. Time to cut the apron strings and live your own life. You and your husband should be a team and stand up for each other. Your parents need to feature a lot less.

Your parents are trying to break up your marriage OP.

Sounds like they're hoping that you move back and care for them.

OP your parents are toxic and if you don’t address this your marriage will end.
My mother has similar tendencies and we had a similar closeness. I had to pull right back and make it clear that my husband and children were my priority. I felt and still often feel terrible guilt but I feel so much better now a couple of years down the line

I’ll honestly give your marriage two years max if you carry on like this. Your dh will leave and I wouldn’t blame him when you treat him like this. Even you ringing your parents 2 or 3 times a day is OTT and toxic for your marriage….you really need to cut the apron strings.

As I said and assumed in my earlier post before your updates, ringing them is tip of iceberg and , u need intense therapy to unpick your brainwashing and controlling behaviour ur parents are doing to u. Ur husband is never going to be good enough and if they push u enough u will leave him and go live with them like they want. Your parents sound incredibly toxic and controlling. And I really feel for your husband. And I feel for you. But u need to do the work, which won't be easey

If this is all true (your parents’ behaviour and your passiveness in the face of their outrageous demands), your parents are not only going to destroy your marriage, but also your life. I truly believe that there’s simply no adult who could thrive and find happiness on their own under those circumstances. I’m really sorry OP but you’re on an abusive relationship with your own mother and father.

Op this exactly as I suspected. Your parents are horribly controlling and seem to have you convinced that the man you married and have had a child with needs to change. People have mixed faith relationships all the time he does not need to change. I presume, because you married him and chose to have a child with him, that you love him and he is a good person. This is all that matters. How to deal with controlling parents....stop giving in to all their unreasonable demands. If you don't go and stay with them for example and they start all their 'you're an ungrateful daughter' shit then just say ' Sorry you feel that way and then ignore them till the come to their senses. You have all the power here, they love you and want to be in your life so will do it on your terms if you're prepared to assert yourself.

Shut them down when they talk about your dh disrespectfully or share opinions about anything you disagree with. Say "I'm afraid I don't agree with you on that, anyway moving on" if they persist "I'm sorry but I've been clear I don't agree and I would like to not discuss it further with you or there's a danger we're going to fall out."

You and your husband should consider moving to a different city, country, or really a different continent. Australia might be a good idea. I would suggest Antarctica, but I don’t think they take babies.

If you don't nip this one in the bud soon, you won't have to choose between them because you won't have a marriage left.

Your husband doesn't need to contact them.
You don't need to pass the phone over.
You don't need to visit daily
You don't have to listen to or tolerate them babying you.

They don't have to like your choice in husband but they should respect your choice

Take a step back and prioritise your marriage

Bloody hell, your parents have a very ridiculous expectation from your DH and MIL. I have been with my DP for over 10 years and we have children and I can’t think of when he has
ever called them for a chat or from MIL. Same with me and his parents.
You are enabling this behaviour and really need to set them straight. They are bonkers.
If I were your DH, I would have cut all contact with them by now.

You need to sort your parents out, OP. Their demands are ridiculous and eventually your DH is going to get sick of it and their constant criticism. Would any man actually be good enough for them? It's going to be hard. Maybe some counselling support is a good idea. Calling them once a week is plenty. Your DH doesn't have to change to suit them. Your MIL doesn't have to call them. This is so dysfunctional.

You need to break the mould/mold of so much contact with your parents. It will be difficult but you need to carry it through. Start by a morning text and say you’ll phone them late afternoon. Stick to it and ignore any calls or messages from them during the day. If you need to stay over when you visit, stretch the visits to every second week, then third. Create a life for yourself without your parents knowing your every move - go to some baby/toddler groups, etc. Keep yourself busy so you don’t have time to think of your parents reaction/neediness.

There is no need for your DH to be calling/messaging your parents - it’s not the norm. If your parents start to complain about your DH or MIL, end the conversation or visit.

Your own well-being, your baby and your DH are now your priority.

You need to distance yourself from your unreasonable parents. They are making you unhappy despite the amount of time you currently spend with them and they don't care that they are upsetting you. So give yourself a break from their constant complaints and attempts to undermine your DH and marriage. You might find that you are actually happier.

There are 4 adults in your marriage OP, and it's fucking weird and cruel to your DH.

Don't you think it's about time you cut the apron strings?

I've been married nearly 20 years, and would never "chat" on the phone to my inlaws. DH occasionally rings my Dad as they are both motorbike mad, but even that is rare.

OP, your marriage will fail if you don't remove the extra people you currently have in your marriage.

DH married YOU not your parents..

Your family is not close-knit, they are overbearing and controlling, very very different things!

You should be on the side of your own family, you are not a child and don't need their approval or to do anything they say.

This is honestly one of the strangest posts I have read on here, you really need to decide where your priorities lie, if it is not with your husband then you shouldn't be with him. It's so unfair on him.

Your parents sound like they use emotional abuse and coercive control if you were talking about a partner people would be telling you to get support to leave them....no wonder you are having issues.