Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband or Parents .... Head is spinning!

464 replies

Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:17

Been married for a few years, I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life. So fastforward to these past few weeks my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him. They have made numerous comments to me about this and have argued with me huge arguments regarding this. I feel stuck in the middle, I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do. I am literally depressed and miserable about all this. They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/
Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

OP posts:
roarrfeckingroar · 28/12/2023 12:53

Your parents have wild expectations!

Original poster
Cappucino777 · 28/12/2023 12:53

We have just always been close-knit. Maybe it is something unhealthy. I just find it hard standing up to them because in the end I am just put down and told I being rude and ungrateful to all that they have done for me. Mum been diagnosed with diabetes and cholestrol and apparently my marriage has something to do with that too. Oh I completely agree that my parents are being ridiculous I am not disagreeing with anyone, I just don't know how to get out of this rut. I am not even able to look after my son or enjoy his company because I am just numb feel like the life has been sucked out of me.

When I go to visit he has not been with me for a while. He always wants to go with me but I say it is fine leave it till next time because I go mid-week. But still they keep blaming him even though it is my decision to go alone.

OP posts:
AngelontopoftheTree · 28/12/2023 12:54

... DM too has an issue with my MIL who used to call her weekly before we got married to hurry things up due the engagement period but now we are married she does not ring mum or reach out which drives my mum insane

Does your mum call your MiL? Seriously what is with all this expectation that people call her?

This thread is stressing me out, that you can't see how fucked up your parents are.

Gymnopedie · 28/12/2023 12:54

I suffer from an issue which is I seek my parents approval in everything I do because I see it as I only have them, no siblings etc to turn to or have someone else to take the pressure off.

Erm...you have your husband. Does he not count?

Yes my husband does have bad points about him but so do we all, I am willing to stick with him and help him change some of his ways. For example, I come from a religious family but he is not although he admits he needs to sort this out, this also creates tension.

You are willing to stick with him? How patronising. What does he mean by sorting out that he's not religious? What other ways do you think he needs to change? This sounds like you want to turn him into the painting-by-numbers person your parents want him to be and only then will he be acceptable to you when he becomes acceptable to them. Why does he have to be the one who does all the changing? Why don't you put the same expectations on your parents?

You've made your choice, you choose your parents over him. So let him go and give him the chance to be who he is. I'm sure your parents would be very happy to have you back.

RoachFish · 28/12/2023 12:54

Your mum sounds completely narcissistic. She is only happy if she is the main focus in everyone’s world. Why would your mil be calling her regularly? She probably did initially and then realised what a complete fruitcake your mother is and is now putting some healthy distance between them. You should do the same. The only people in this scenario that looks even remotely stable and healthy are your husband and his mother.

Pelham678 · 28/12/2023 12:54

Hbosh · 28/12/2023 12:48

You have a very unhealthy relationship with your parents, OP.
And the harsh truth is, it's going to cost you your marriage and lead to your son growing up in a broken home.

Your family is the one you have built with your husband and son. Your parents are now extended family, whose needs should not be considered when deciding how to live your life.
I suggest you get individual counseling to help you set some boundaries with your parents, but also couples counseling to fix your marriage before you lose it over your own messed up priorities.

Show quote history

Please take this on board OP.

Your parents have not done you any favours by making you so enmeshed with them and their wants and wishes. You can be a good daughter and not have to please them all the time.

Really good parents bring their children up to be independent and assertive, not co-dependent and scared of them. You really could do with some therapy to fix some of the bad conditioning you have received from them.

Borth · 28/12/2023 12:55

This relationship is doomed. You are backing your batshit parents ahead of your husband. Your relationship with your parents is unhealthy and will destroy your marriage and any future relationships you have. I hope it’s worth it.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 28/12/2023 12:55

What were YOUR expectations of marriage OP?

forrestgreen · 28/12/2023 12:56

If your husband posted I think he would be told your parents are abusive and controlling, his wife is enmeshed in the fog. His wife doesn't value your relationship and throws you to the dogs every time there's a conflict. He'd be told to consider leaving you.

You need counselling, to pull away from your parents, value your husbands opinion, and create a life of your own.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 28/12/2023 12:57

OP, how old is your son? All this talk of numbness sounds like you may be depressed, and that won't be helping you to stand up to your parents. It could be worth you having a word with your GP, and maybe you could use this as a way to get some space from your parents?

It's hard to see, because they are the only parents you've ever known, so your relationship with them may appear fine and normal to you simply because you've never had it any other way, but they are overbearing and interfering to a massive degree.

NearlyMonday · 28/12/2023 12:57

I hope your husband has an easier time with his next wife!

prh47bridge · 28/12/2023 12:57

I suffer from an issue which is I seek my parents approval in everything I do because I see it as I only have them, no siblings etc to turn to or have someone else to take the pressure off

I speak to them twice a day if not three times. I go to stay for a few days when I can. This month for example I have been every week so far. Yet this is still not enough.

You are an adult. You need to start behaving like one. You don't need your parents' approval. You shouldn't be seeking it. You shouldn't need to speak to them two or three times a day. You shouldn't stay with them every week. You are giving them permission to destroy your marriage. Stop using the fact you are an only child as an excuse.

On the information you have posted, your husband has done nothing wrong, so "husband or parents" shouldn't even be a question. Be clear with your parents that, if they force you to choose, you will choose him. If you can't say that, you need to leave him so that he can find someone who will actually love him.

Right now, you are choosing your parents every time. It is destroying your marriage. It is destroying your family. The only way this stops is for you to take control and start putting your husband and family first. Your parents won't like it, but it is the only way.

AnnaMagnani · 28/12/2023 12:57

As one only child to another, you need to break free of your parents.

There is no need to speak to them 3 or even 1 time a day.

How you and your DH have arguments is none of their business.

You don't believe it but if you stood up to them, they would back down as you are their one and only.

I was where you are. I now speak to my mum once a week and we are closer than when it was 5 times a day.

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 28/12/2023 12:57

OP please leave your husband, That poor man does deserve so much better than you and your parents outrageous demands. His life must be horrific dealing with this crap day in day out,

Sugarfree23 · 28/12/2023 12:58

Op I never phone my ILs, especially not just to catch up. Your mum is expecting far too much of a SIL. Do they also expect him to call them Mum & Dad ?

Ultimately I think you need to cut the apron strings, and have your husbands back or you'll end up losing your husband. They are interfering in your marriage and that is not good.

Forestdweller11 · 28/12/2023 12:58

Goodness. Your poor husband.

You need to look at your priorities, maybe do some therapy to sort out in your head your toxic relationship with your parents.

Olika · 28/12/2023 13:01

I feel so sorry for your husband. You seriously need to get your act together. You are a wife and a mother, your marriage will fail unless you start creating boundaries with your parents. You need to start creating distance to them and also you need to start standing up for yourself and your husband.

Catsfrontbum · 28/12/2023 13:02

This is all so so unhealthy!!!

Perhaps you can write your parents a letter explaining how you feel and what needs to change?

Your husband should not be coerced into changing religions. This seems quite fundamental and a big reason why you should not have married? I feel like your parents are very controlling of you.

I am tempted to say you should go low or no contact with them.

rickyrickygrimes · 28/12/2023 13:03

What culture are your parents / you / DH / MIL from? What are the reasonable or normal expectations In your respective cultures? There’s no point in us all coming on and telling you what’s ‘normal’ if it isn’t that for you.

LaughingCat · 28/12/2023 13:05

For example, I come from a religious family but he is not although he admits he needs to sort this out, this also creates tension.

Why does he need to sort this out? Surely his religious or spiritual beliefs, or lack thereof, are completely down to him, @Cappucino777? You married the man, not the image of what he could be, if you just forced him to make some changes here or there. If you want to be religiously observant, amazing. If you want to raise your child to be, all power to you. But let him do him.

My mum is from the south of Holland, deeply Catholic area. Her mum was all in on the church, super devout. Her dad refused to go, whether for confession, Sunday Mass or any of the observances. They were happily married for sixty years, and their kids are mixed, some religious and some not. They all had to go until they were adults, when they could make their own choice.

The more posts I see from you, OP, the more I feel for your poor husband. You talk to your controlling parents three times a day, who make your lives hell, insult your husband and have made you feel conflicted and unworthy since you had your son.

GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD. You are a family unit now. You, your husband, your kid. Stop being a daughter above all else, and be a wife and a mother. You three are your priority now, and others come after.

Or you’ll be back living at home within the next three years, alone with your child and looking after your parents until they die, having them control what you wear, what you eat, what you think and how you live. Never having had a life or personality of your own - just a living extension of them.

Snap the fuck out of it.

HelpMeGetThrough · 28/12/2023 13:05

I just find it hard standing up to them because in the end I am just put down and told I being rude and ungrateful

OP, have you ever considered telling them to piss off when they treat you like that?

It may well do them and you some good.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 28/12/2023 13:07

Oh I completely agree that my parents are being ridiculous I am not disagreeing with anyone, I just don't know how to get out of this rut.

You are the only person who can get you and your husband out of this rut. It will take courage. Reduce how often you see and speak to your parents. When they ask why, tell them that it is because of the way they speak about and treat your husband. Tell them that their attitude is completely unreasonable, and that there is no reason at all why he should change just because of their culture and strange expectations. Tell them that you are a wife and mother, not a child.

LindaDawn · 28/12/2023 13:08

Never rang my in-laws or my husband rang my parents!

EarlGreywithLemon · 28/12/2023 13:08

As I said, I’m an only child. I speak to my parents once a week. I live 3.5 hours’ flight from them. I have done umpteeen things in my life that they’ve disapproved of. They are themselves pretty judgmental and overbearing, but I’ve stuck to my guns and, you know what, they’ve got over it.

You don’t just “have them in the world” - you have your husband, son and presumably friends. I’d recommend you stop trying to change your husband and instead start therapy to learn how to untangle yourself from your parents, or else they will ruin your and your family’s life (and by that I mean husband and son, who are your immediate family now).

prh47bridge · 28/12/2023 13:09

I just find it hard standing up to them because in the end I am just put down and told I being rude and ungrateful to all that they have done for me.

No, you aren't being rude and ungrateful. They are being controlling and treating you as a child.

Mum been diagnosed with diabetes and cholestrol and apparently my marriage has something to do with that too.

No, it hasn't. That is down to her eating habits or lack of exercise, not your marriage.

Oh I completely agree that my parents are being ridiculous I am not disagreeing with anyone, I just don't know how to get out of this rut.

Stop thinking of yourself as a child. You are an adult. Stand up to your parents. Set boundaries. They won't like it, but the alternative is that you let them destroy your marriage.