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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband or Parents .... Head is spinning!

464 replies

Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:17

Been married for a few years, I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life. So fastforward to these past few weeks my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him. They have made numerous comments to me about this and have argued with me huge arguments regarding this. I feel stuck in the middle, I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do. I am literally depressed and miserable about all this. They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/
Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

OP posts:
EarlGreywithLemon · 28/12/2023 13:11

Also, I’m sorry to say - not l parents deep down wish the best for their children. I’m sure they tell themselves that they do, but are instead guided by their own insecurities and selfishness. Do not let them! The responsibility for your own life lies with you, take control and make your own decisions, before your life passes you by.

LinnieM · 28/12/2023 13:11

My God. I feel so sorry for your husband. With in laws like this, he was doomed from the start

Thelnebriati · 28/12/2023 13:17

@Cappucino777 Would you consider counselling for yourself? Now you have a child of your own, and its often a good time to re-visit your own childhood and your beliefs about family and parenting. I think in your shoes I would go for counselling and ask them to help you explore 'enmeshment'.

Your parents are understandably very invested in you, as their only child. But they might struggle with boundaries, and if that's the case they will have struggled to teach you healthy and appropriate boundaries between you and them.
You can also learn new ways to communicate with both your DH and your parents.

muddyford · 28/12/2023 13:21

We've been married nearly thirty years and apart from thanking for presents I don't think DH has ever rung them! And the three have a lovely relationship.

nosleepforme · 28/12/2023 13:25

Wow, you were quick to talk about ending things! Why would you?
you said he’s trying to change to please your parents. Sounds like an amazing man who loves you like crazy. Why talk about ending things because other people are causing pressure?
you and your husband come first. Finished.

thebabessavedme · 28/12/2023 13:26

OP, Im coming at this from the point of view of a mother of one, I have a daughter, she is married with a son (the light of our lives). I care very much for my son in law, he is a good, kind, hardworking decent man, he takes care of our daughter and grandson wonderfully.

We live close by, my daughter and I speak everyday, we spend time as a wider family quite often HOWEVER, we, (dh and I) are totally happy that the 3 of them build a strong, happy family unit, if life goes the way it should, one day our daughter will not have us, we will be dead. I hope to God that when we die she will have HER family, HER Husband, maybe a daughter in law and grandchildren of her own, I hope her family will only get larger. I believe we are totally normal in feeling like this, her on going happiness is our largest concern and priority.

Your parents are cruel, what they are doing is not for love of you, its for control of you. Please please stand up for yourself, you Husband and your child. They should be your priority now, put them first!

Daffodilsandtuplips · 28/12/2023 13:33

You don’t need your parents approval for everything in life. You’re a married woman now and a mother. You have autonomy to make your own choices without consulting your parents. These ‘issues’ you mention, issues decreed by your parents no doubt..his religion isn’t any of your parents business, neither is it an issue for you to fix.
Your mothers health problems are probably caused by her lifestyle or caused other factors, none of which include your DH. Tell her she’s being ridiculous if she says so. Time to grow up and push back.,

Sallyh87 · 28/12/2023 13:33

Your Mothers diabetes and cholesterol are related to your marriage?! How does she figure that one? Maybe she has stumbled onto cause and cure of both? Very helpful as I too suffer, glad I can blame others for it.

You realise how bonkers all of this sounds right?

I have never called my MIL, we have a great relationship and I really like her but have never felt the need to call. Your parents are unhinged and are sucking the life out of you.

LetsGoOutside · 28/12/2023 13:35

If this was a male posting this I think he would get hounded! I feel the way your treating your husband is verging on abuse!

You are being very unfair on your husband.

The answer to your question is husband.

Your parents sound like narcissists. One day your parents will leave this earth and you’ll end up alone because you’ve pushed your husband away from you. You Nat think it’s easier to please your parents and argue with your husband but that’s pushing your husband away.

GoneAlready · 28/12/2023 13:35

I am not even able to look after my son or enjoy his company because I am just numb feel like the life has been sucked out of me.

Ok. Very simple question for you, OP.

Who is your priority?

Who do you owe your first responsibility to?

Your parents?

Or your child?

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2023 13:35

Op, I'm an only child as well, but I assure you that your relationship with your parents is incredibly enmeshed and fucked up. I'm sorry, but you need to grow up and grow a backbone. Your parent's demands and expectations, especially your mother's, are just absolutely batshit.

laceydoily · 28/12/2023 13:38

Being an only child has nothing to do with it. I am an only child and my parents didnt demand such ridiculous things like that. My parents have passed now but when they were alive they never expected my DH to ring them to chat or expected me to choose between them. Yes, we all got on and everyone liked each other but I used to ring them because they were MY parents. Your parents are controlling in the extreme and this is nowhere near the realm of "normal".

laceydoily · 28/12/2023 13:40

Mum been diagnosed with diabetes and cholestrol and apparently my marriage has something to do with that too

Also, I've worked in healthcare for years and this is utter bollocks. I've never heard such utter twaddle in my life. They are lying to you and controlling you. Wake up and set some boundaries.

Mylovelygreendress · 28/12/2023 13:46

I think you need to start small . Reduce the number of phone calls - if it’s usually twice , make it once . Be unavailable at other times . Cut down your visits to them.
Look into counselling .
Start prioritising your son and husband .

Original poster
Cappucino777 · 28/12/2023 13:46

GoneAlready · 28/12/2023 13:35

I am not even able to look after my son or enjoy his company because I am just numb feel like the life has been sucked out of me.

Ok. Very simple question for you, OP.

Who is your priority?

Who do you owe your first responsibility to?

Your parents?

Or your child?

My son definately. Poor thing is only 5 months old and he's seen me cry more than anything else :/

OP posts:
Canisaysomething · 28/12/2023 13:49

You speak to your parents 2-3 times a day!!! 😱 They sound very very controlling. Your poor husband.

wildthingsinthenight · 28/12/2023 13:51

Your poor husband!
Why are you trying change him or getting him to "sort himself out"?
I feel really sorry for him.
Your relationship with your parents is not normal I'm afraid. Far too intense.
I think your parents would love to see you split from your husband and move in with them. They are working towards this it seems.
Do you actually love your husband?
You owe it to your child to start treating their father with some respect. You should have his back!

Ireallydontwantto · 28/12/2023 13:52

You’ve been completely brainwashed by your parents

read up and research toxic parents

so many red flags in your post
would you ever want your dc to feel how your parents make you feel?

no excuses now all the comments on here are the same it’s up to you to do something about it now

wildthingsinthenight · 28/12/2023 13:52

You do realise it is the trouble your parents are making that is causing you to cry so much?
It isn't your husband??

Grimpo · 28/12/2023 13:52

I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of.

Odd way of phrasing it. Why are you not sick of your parents' constant unjustified expressions of disapproval of the person you chose to marry and have a child with?

YeahRatFans · 28/12/2023 13:54

What religion are you? It all sounds enmeshed and cultlike. What would happen if you don't contact your parents? 3 times a day is crazy- how do you even have the time?

Underparmummy · 28/12/2023 13:56

You dh. 100% each and every time. Your parents are not being kind. Not everyone's are (mine included).

Grimpo · 28/12/2023 13:56

When I go to visit he has not been with me for a while. He always wants to go with me but I say it is fine leave it till next time because I go mid-week. But still they keep blaming him even though it is my decision to go alone.

So do you tell them it was your decision? Why don't you let your husband go with you if it would help to keep the peace?

Grimpo · 28/12/2023 14:01

Now she too has an issue with my MIL who used to call her weekly before we got married to hurry things up due the engagement period but now we are married she does not ring mum or reach out which drives my mum insane. She is more sensitive about this because I live with my MIL I think.

Your mother is seriously weird about the people she feels should be phoning her. Apart from occasions like our wedding and when the children were christened, I don't think my PILs spoke to my parents more than three or four times at most during the 20 years or so they were all alive after we got married. It wasn't that they disliked each other at all, they just moved in different circles and the only thing they had in common was us.

Does your mother ever phone your MIL?

Grimpo · 28/12/2023 14:03

You need to make it clear to your parents that you are not going to tolerate listening to their negativity about your husband or MIL any more, and that you will walk out or terminate phone calls every time if there is any repeat.