Husband or Parents .... Head is spinning!

[Cappucino777]

Been married for a few years, I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life. So fastforward to these past few weeks my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him. They have made numerous comments to me about this and have argued with me huge arguments regarding this. I feel stuck in the middle, I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do. I am literally depressed and miserable about all this. They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/
Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

Agree with this. Your parents are engaged in some kind of bizzare campaign to control you, your life, and force your husband out. They need counselling, or go very low contact, explaining why. Do NOT allow them to blame your husband for things like fewer visits as they will try to use this as ammunition that he won't allow you be close to them etc.
Fight for your son and your husband.
Stand up to your parents.
Or you will end up moving back in with them, and spending 50% of your time away from your son, alone with your toxic parents, when he is with his father.
You need to start making changes NOW. Get counselling to help if necessary. But do not let this toxic situation continue or every day your parents will damage your marriage more and more till it is too late.

Think your parents may have forgotten how hard it is looking children. I barely have time to ring my own parents let alone the inlaws 🙄

I think everyone has said it - its a parent problem. Time to cut the umblical and become a fully functioning adult in a loving relationship away from their influence. Time to create your own family and put them first. Your husband is a living saint.

I have been with my husband for over 20 years. He has never phoned my mum and dad to find out how they are. He will phone them if he has a reason to, but they are my parents, not his.

Let me surmise this for you:

There is nothing your DH can do that will make your parents happy, ever. They will always find fault.

Your parents goal, whether consciously or not, is to drive a wedge through your marriage so eventually you will go back to them, child in tow, and you will all be relying only on each other.

Bless you Op, but I don't think your parents seem particularly well as these demands are very, very strange. It's almost like a folie a deux, one of your folks has decided what is correct and the other just going with it.

I suggest you nip the holiday with them in the bud and massively curtail their daily involvement in your life. I'm very close with my DM but I'd say we phone max once a day, twice if there's something to organize.

I think even more now that you may have post natal depression and your parents' behaviour is not helping. And also that they are USING the fact that you are depressed to suck you in and make you feel that they are the only people who have your welfare at heart.

Please, please, go to your GP. Talk to your MIL if you can, as well. Ask for help getting yourself well and strong, tell your parents you need time with your DH and your baby in order to get better. Don't let them tell your that PND is your 'fault', or that your mother being ill is anything to do with you. You are not responsible for two adults, and their behaviour is entirely down to them. You need time with just your own little family, and you need to get yourself better.

Oh dear, I really cannot believe what I am reading, the job of parents is to bring up a child who is able to stand independently and carry on, not to pander to their weird needs. Why do you need to call several times a day, what would happen if you didn't? Would the world end, I doubt it. You are the adult now, so you need to manage your parents expectations.

As to staying with them every week, this is their time to be free and enjoy trips and hobbies, this is your time to bring up your child to be happy and balanced, which, I fear may be a challenge for you. You are not your parents maid or play thing, you are now a mother yourself having to unpick bad habits that you have been taught.

You need to learn a couple of new sentences, the first is the Mumsnet classic, "No!" and if you are feeling kinder, "No, thank you." You need to get on and lead your life and not let your parents lead their lives through you.

I think you need strategies for dealing with your parents.

I think books games people play and Toxic parenst are something you should seek out. A counsellor for you may also be needed as their behaviour is not normal and you need some help seeing that.

Blocking out time for calls - firm push back/broken record limiting information setting clear boundaries and distance - physical if possible and mental.

I also think you may need to consider they may actually be trying to break up your marriage to make you more dependent on them. They are not acting in your best interest or interest of your child but on what they want.

Why would you be considering ending things? Is it because of your parent’s comments?

I think you and your DP need to let go of the apron strings

You also have unreasonable expectations of your husband. Why does he need to sort his religion?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat - is spot on.

I saw a friend with pnd have her parents behave like this - they had form though prior to baby so much so older sibling had run away at 16.

Home-Start UK and her HV were also very good with her and getting out to meet and talk to other parents helped her a lot - helped her also see how empty many of her parents threat actually were - they were trying to say she did what they wanted or her prior eating disorders and depression would mean they'd sweep in get custody of her child despite her marriage to child father and no-one having any concerns about the child.

Your parents are utterly insane. Jesus fucking Christ.

Your husband has his ‘bad points’ you say, and list him not being religious as something he needs to ‘sort out’.

Anyone tolerating your completely mental parents, their demands and their totally suffocating involvement in your life must have the patience of a saint. 🫢

In 20 years, i’ve never called my In Laws to see how they are (occasionally text my MIL), both really lovely, but my Husband rings them and we see them around once a month. Same with my parents, I ring them and my Husband has probably never rung them ever! All get on really well and it seems a very odd request your parents have.

I would ask yourself why they are trying to stir up trouble with your Husband?

“ I come from a religious family but he is not although he admits he needs to sort this out”

Jesus fucking Christ.

You and your parents are bonkers. Leave the poor man alone while he still has a chance of finding someone who will treat him well.

I haven't read all the replies all the way through but I can't believe no one else so far has suggested OP may have postnatal depression. Please go to your doctor, OP

Just here to say I am sorry you have such intrusive parents, mine are similar but I have managed them throughout our 20 year marriage..DH doesn't call them, it's the odd wattsap message and mainly for birthdays etc

I wouodn't expect my kids partners to call me unless there was something I could do for them, I really think it's controlling behaviour and unfortunately you need to stand up to them or it will only get worse.

I am willing to stick with him and help him change some of his ways. For example, I come from a religious family but he is not although he admits he needs to sort this out, this also creates tension. There are so many things they ard not happy about and I feel like such a dissappoinment.
This reads so scary to me. He must change his ways? He needs to sort out not being religious?
That gives me cult vibes! Or like the programme 'Everybody else burns'!!

You’ve stayed with your parents for a few days every week? This is so not usual.

Your parents sound horrendous tbh. I’m also an only child - and what my parents want for me is that I’m cared for and have a loving family when they’re no longer around - your parents seem to want to isolate you.

The only time I've phoned my in laws in 25 years was when one was in hospital and I wanted to ask if they needed anything collecting before we visited. That's it. Once. Your parents are insane.

*I come from a religious family but he is not although he admits he needs to sort this out”

I'm an atheist and my OH isn't. If I was told to sort it out and "catch religion", I'd have been gone immediately.

My DH barely phones his own DM never mind anyone else's! Your parents are in the wrong. My parents didn't like my second husband and it caused a lot of upset but I stuck to my guns. DH should be prioritised. Maybe ask he could phone once or twice. Hopefully your parents will realise how awkward it is!

How can you be so horrible to your DH and stand by and tolerate your awful parents?

It's you that needs to change and change big time not your poor suffering DH who has the patience of a saint to tolerate you and your batshit parents.

@Cappucino777 Your parents are horrifically controlling. They expect everyone to kowtow to them and people who do not meet their exacting standards are "bad". They do not look into their own behaviour and I expect they never will.

"I suffer from an issue which is I seek my parents approval in everything I do because I see it as I only have them, no siblings etc to turn to or have someone else to take the pressure off."

You do not do this because you think this is all you have, you do this because they have trained you to think that if they say jump to you, you must respond instantly. You have said yourself that 2 to 3 calls a day is not enough. They will always find something to disapprove of. Their requirements of their son-in-law are utterly ridiculous. I hope making this post is waking you up to the excessively controlling behaviour of your parents. Unfortunately, for things to improve, you will need to change - your parents won't. If you don't change the way you deal with them, they will become increasingly controlling and difficult. Trust me on this.

I would suggest you start by reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson. More info here, it's available on Kindle too -
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703

Maybe things will improve when you move out ?