Husband or Parents .... Head is spinning!

[Cappucino777]

Been married for a few years, I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life. So fastforward to these past few weeks my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him. They have made numerous comments to me about this and have argued with me huge arguments regarding this. I feel stuck in the middle, I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do. I am literally depressed and miserable about all this. They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/
Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

You are married?
I now take you to be my wedded wife/husband...I promise to love and comfort you, honor and keep you, and forsaking all others, I will be yours as long as we both shall live.
Your happy marriage will prioritise your DS. Do not allow your parents to damage your family.

I haven't read the whole thread, only your posts OP. Your child and your DH are the ones you live with, they're the priority. Tell your parents you don't want to discuss your DH with them again. It sounds like you could do with some counselling too.

Sounds like there is a cultural/religious clash at the root of this? Sounds all very familiar from my own family and friends when they marry 'out' - in which case I can see why is is very difficult for you to assert your independence. What about wider family - do you have any support there at all?

Ok stop and breathe baby is 5 months old you are in the trenches and can’t see up from down. Unfortunately though the people who are meant to help you are pulling you apart.

As you say your child is your priority, you need to be there 110% for your DC

You need to speak to your health nurse and or GP possibly for PND and then about healthy relationships with parents.

Reduce your calls to your parents to once a day if not a few times a week. When are you moving out of MILs as I think you and your husband need to be away from parents so you can build your little family

I haven’t read all the replies but if it hasn’t been mentioned already, I suggest you read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Her other book Toxic in-laws might help your husband understand the difficult position you’re in.

Quite apart from all the things that have already been pointed out, how the fuck do you « sort out » someone who is not religious?

Make him pretend to believe?

Now I’ve definitely heard it all.

I never phone my in-laws , your parents are expecting too much

I've been married 28 years this year, and not once has my parent phoned any of my parents or siblings. Not once. And it would never occur to me to ask him why, and not once have they ever complained to me about it. It would just not enter their heads.

This: your parents sound weird, overbearing and controlling.

We have just always been close-knit. Maybe it is something unhealthy.

It's not "close-knit" though OP, it's absolutely smothering. Speaking 2 to 3 times a day? Your parents are unhealthily dependent on you as their only child, and your DH could be the world's best man/dad and they'd still find fault, because they want you all to themselves. You need to address it OP or you will drive your DH away (or they will) and then you'll be back to square one with them controlling your life.

OP you are a parent yourself now, so it is high time to grow up and get out of the unhealthy dynamic you have created with your parents. Its unreasonable and trying to make him change himself isn't fair, your husband won't put up with this long term. You need to lay down boundaries with your parents and prioritise making your own family work.

Your poor husband, I’m sorry but your parents sound unhinged in their expectations.

You sound like you have depression possibly PND. Please please go talk to your doctor and get yourself some counselling and support.

You also need to learn some strategies for coping with your parents. I hope you find a way of managing them as your current approach is going to wreck your marriage

@Cappucino777

You say your parents are 'religious'. I'm not sure what religion, but just in case they are of a religion that values the Old Testament, it says "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh". Well, this goes for a woman too. Your primary loyalty should be to your husband, not your parents. Making your husband a priority over your parents is also making your child your priority as it means you are creating that loving family unit, parents & their child, that is so necessary to a child's wellbeing and security.

But I can see that you are so enmeshed with your parents that 'getting out' will not be easy. I suggest you seek counseling with the purpose of drawing healthy boundaries with your parents. You are a grown woman, not a little child.

I think your parents expectation are rather odd. I wouldn't randomly call my in-laws...It would seem inappropriate.

Each time you post @Cappucino777, I feel more and more empathy for your DH and less and less for your parents.

Your priority should be in this order at this point in your life, your son, your husband and only then should your parents be a priority.

Unfortunately for you, your "issue" is skewing that priority list to being your parents, oh then your parents, and then perhaps your son/husband depending on the situation and if your husband doesn't get along with your parents, then instead of your parents trying to accommodate your husband into their lives, he has to adjust to fit them into his life.

This is seriously messed up and you need to start taking your husband's side in things, or before too long, your husband will have had enough of trying to make accommodations and will leave you. People have their limits.

You have a DP problem not a DH problem. You need to leave your DP.

Your parents sound overbearing, selfish, and just unpleasant. I could not live like that. Your life should not revolve around them. Nor should your husband's! He should not be having to ring them to ask how they are, nor should you be forcing him to do it to keep them happy. Completely ridiculous all around. Open your mouth and tell them, or so yourself a favour and cut them off completely. You are being a doormat and, even worse, forcing your husband to lay beside you and be a doormat too! He will end up losing his patience and giving up on the relationship, guaranteed. Nobody can deal with that long term.

My in-laws are both dead now but while they were living I never once in 10+ years called FIL. I did call MIL once or twice to ask a cooking question and we had a nice chat as we discussed her recipe. I was always pleased to see them in person occasionally and we got along well while respecting each other's boundaries.

If they had expected me to call them to chat or keep in touch it would’ve been very awkward. And even more so for my H to call my mother or family to talk.

It sounds like your parents have unreasonable expectations and are a little too invested in your marriage tbh. In-laws should be treated like wonderful strangers, you’re happy to see and interact with them but they don’t need to know all about your personal life. Allowing them to get too close invites trouble imho.

I could bitch to a friend that H irritates me when he does some irritating thing and we’d laugh and commiserate, if I told my mother the same story she might take umbrage on my behalf and dislike him. This is where the trouble starts, now she’s watching him for further mistreatment and the start of it was really nothing. This is why its best not to involve parents in every little detail of your marriage. Obv. I’m not including abusive behavior in this advice.

So that needs to be your first consideration in every decision you make.

Is this situation with your parents good for your son?

Are you parents supporting you in bonding with him and being the mother he deserves?

Do your parents care about the impact their expectations and behaviour are having on you, and thus on your son? Your tiny, vulnerable, defenceless, entirely-dependent-on-you son?

If he ended up being your only child, would you treat him as an adult the way they’re treating you now?

Apart from your own well-being, does his well-being even factor in for him at all, or is it only their wants they care about?

Does thinking about these questions help you gain any clarity around the situation?

Your parents are going to split up your marriage if you don't stand up to them. You need to speak to your GP about how you are feeling.

The level of contact your parents demand is excessive and unreasonable.

I've not read the full thread, just all the OPs comments. You really don't seem to have taken on board how unreasonable and downright rude your parents are being. And you are also being unreasonable. You prefer to try to make your husband change and bend to their demands rather than tell them they are wrong. You say that you confer with them on major decisions, they are the people you turn to. What about your life partner, your husband? He should be your main focus and support. But it sounds like the three of you gang up against him.
Why was your mother staying with you and sticking her nose into your marital relationship just after you had a baby? What about time for the three of you to bond and get used to the new way of life with a baby? Lots of couples argue when they have a newborn, emotions and hormones are high and its a huge change. MILs sticking their nose in is terrible. Honestly I think you sound (from what you've described) quite immature and overly dependent on your parents opinions. You are in a family with your baby and husband. No wonder things have gotten worse since the baby has come into the picture as now you are a new unit but you seem to think this includes your parents to the same level as your husband. You need to talk yo your husband and establish common goals for family life - not you telling him you want to stay with your parents every week, asking him what sort of things he would like to happen as a family, how he would see visits to BOTH sides of family happening etc, and reach a compromise.
Then you need to establish very firm boundaries with your parents, regarding opinions on your OH, your relationship, your family, communication, visits etc. And encourage them to take up some kind of hobby or interests that they are not so focused on your life.
And uiu need to start behaving in a more adult manner around them and as a real partner to your husband.

OP, you have an OP problem. You are much too enmeshed with your demanding, controlling parents. It is very psychologically unhealthy, and your dh and dc deserve better from you. Seek counseling to understand how toxic they are and to break free of their unnatural grip on you.

Your husband may not be religious but he's been an absolute saint to put up with this nonsense.

You and your parents need to accept that you have grown up, left home and started your own family. Your priorities and duties are to your son and partner, not to your parents' wildly unreasonable expectations.

So your husband has issues caused by you mum
Your MiL is wrong by not calling your mum
You son sees you crying due to issues raised by you mum and dad
You call your mum and dad up to 3 times a day

...

Yet you can't see who is causing the issues?? Yes you can. It is just that you are scared of your parents.

Put your son first. He is the only one in this who silly scenario who actually NEEDS you.

Put your boundaries in motion. Starting with ONE phone call a day. If they dont like it - tough. They had one child, their decision (not interested if they chose that or not - it is what it is). You cannot make up for any lack in their lives.

And if they are religious then they should realise that when a couple marry they LEAVE their parents and your parents should respect that.

How can he sort out not coking from a religious family? That doesn't even make sense.