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Original poster

Bf prioritising estranged daughter over me and our son.

155 replies

BusyDoingNotADamnThing · 22/12/2023 21:42

Been with bf for 10 years we have a son together, I'm currently pregnant with our second child.

In the 10 years we've been together he's tried multiple times to initiate contact with his daughter from a previous relationship. She's aged about 18/19 now. Over the years she's never been interested. Suddenly in the last month or two she decided to message my bf saying that she's now decided she wants to know him. Since then they've spoken almost everyday.

Today is my bf's birthday and we had made plans to go out for a meal along with our son. Earlier today he told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted to go out for a meal anymore as he's been feeling stressed and low emotionally. (He has been known to struggle in previous years around Christmas.)
I told him that we can always do something at a later date if he's not feeling up to going out today but just asked him to let me know once he had decided.

An hour or two after we had this conversation he called me saying that he didn't want to go out for the meal or do anything because he just feels low and doesn't want to go anywhere or make a fuss of his birthday today.
Then straight after he told me that this afternoon he had a message from his daughter saying happy birthday and out of the blue she had asked him if he wanted to meet her to go for a drink. So they spent all afternoon together, went to starbucks had hot chocolate and cake as her birthday treat to him. He carries on telling me how happy he is to finally spend time with her and how he's had such a great afternoon.

He's made a last minute decision to cancel the plans he had with me and our son today because instead he's accepted her sudden offer to celebrate his birthday with her this afternoon. Even though he told me he didn't want to go anywhere or do anything today because of how he's feeling.

I feel like such an arsehole for being mad at him on his birthday but he's made me so angry. I don't want him to come tonight because I don't have anything decent to say to him and I know if I say anything about today that it will just cause an arguement.
He's told me over the years how guilty he's always felt that he hasn't been there her whole life like he has for our son. Now today the way he cancelled our plans and chose her over us just makes me wonder if he's going to keep prioritising her over us because he feels guilty. He's basically ditched us to spend the day with her. He's already shown me that given a choice he's chosen her over us.

I don't even know where to begin in telling him how shitty he's made me feel today. Feels like whatever I say I'm going to be the bad guy in this situation.
I don't know what to do but I know I'll just become more angry by the situation the longer I don't say something. I don't want this to cause a huge argument and for it to ruin Christmas as well.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 22/12/2023 21:45

So you will have 2 children with someone who was not interested in his older one you're now surprised he is acting not the way you want?

What were you expecting? the older chid exists

spiderleggings · 22/12/2023 21:56

He's allowed to make up for lost time and yes you are unreasonable

Imagine if he said no to her invitation, it could set their relationship back a few steps if she took that as rejection

You are in the better position here. She is a barely adult who has decided she can start a relationship with her dad. It's going to be tough for a while because it new ground and they need to get to know each other.

You have to allow them space and time to do that alone but also include her in your family too

If you don't it will only backfire on you

SheilaFentiman · 22/12/2023 22:00

So, although they have been speaking, today was the first time they actually met?

YABU, I’m afraid.

CaptainMyCaptain · 22/12/2023 22:01

YABVU she's his daughter so of course he's prioritising her.

VeganNugsNotDrugs · 22/12/2023 22:03

YABmassivelyU

BusyDoingNotADamnThing · 22/12/2023 22:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

HardcoreLadyType · 22/12/2023 22:09

He’s probably been feeling low because of the estrangement.

If he feels low at Christmas, that’s been because he wants to see his daughter at Christmas time, and hasn’t been able to.

This has nothing to do with you, and your children together.

Can you not find it within yourself to be happy for him, finally seeing his daughter after so long? Do you think he wouldn’t be just as pleased if it were your son who he has not seen?

MiddleagedBeachbum · 22/12/2023 22:09

Wow!!!

YABU!!!! So U!

please please think long and hard about this. DH is clearly feel sad and shitty.
out of the blue how dd wants to treat him on his bday - of course that’s going to massively cheer him up!!

what would be amazing is if you now celebrated this progression in their relationship together, help him have a really special birthday and suggest that maybe even next year you’ll all be in a place to celebrate all together!

Don’t spoil his joy and magical moment with his dd.

Fs365 · 22/12/2023 22:10

He has got to met his adult child, you should be happy for him, especially if you say you tried to help in the past.

im sorry but you sound a bit like a petulant child who is not getting their own way

momonpurpose · 22/12/2023 22:10

You are completely unreasonable. Put yourself in his shoes. You would move heaven and earth to get one of your children back

Fredablogs · 22/12/2023 22:11

You sound jealous OP, I would welcome her and encourage their relationship as he might resent you causing problems

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 22/12/2023 22:12

I'd imagine the reason he always feels down around Xmas is because of missing her, and he probably doesn't want to mess up his newly emerging relationship either her so he accepted her invite. I do understand why you feel upset, but I think you need to support him with this.

All these years he has been there with your son while he hasn't been there with his dd. He has (presumably) a strong solid relationship with his son which won't be rocked by one cancelled birthday dinner. Try not to worry and think about how you'd feel if you were in his situation with your own child.

Slobberchops1 · 22/12/2023 22:12

You sound awful and jealous. Cut him some slack and let him enjoy spending some quality time with his daughter

Twitchie · 22/12/2023 22:13

HardcoreLadyType · 22/12/2023 22:09

He’s probably been feeling low because of the estrangement.

If he feels low at Christmas, that’s been because he wants to see his daughter at Christmas time, and hasn’t been able to.

This has nothing to do with you, and your children together.

Can you not find it within yourself to be happy for him, finally seeing his daughter after so long? Do you think he wouldn’t be just as pleased if it were your son who he has not seen?

🙄

Onwegointohappytimes · 22/12/2023 22:14

Well I don't think YABU at all. It's not ok to muck you and his younger child around like this and it's setting behaviours that will have more consequences if it repeats itself.

He said he didn't want to go out but then did with someone else. That's obviously going to make you feel horrid.

A talk about boundaries would be helpful so it doesn't repeat.

He can build a positive relationship either way his eldest DD but not by causing upset elsewhere

Honeyroar · 22/12/2023 22:16

If I’ve understood correctly, he’s tried to forge a relationship with her before and not got anywhere? And now he finally seems to have been given a chance to get to know his child and it seems to be going well? Surely you can understand why he’s not going to turn down chances to see her and build this relationship he’s hoped to have for years? If he had a more settled, established relationship with her he’d probably have told her he didn’t feel up to going out too, but it’s still early days. Plus he’s probably over the moon that he’s got this chance. It doesn’t mean he’s rejecting you and your child.

PrimalOwl10 · 22/12/2023 22:17

She was a child, a child 8/9 years old when you came on the scene. He should have fought for her went to court did what was necessary. There's no excuse, none whatsoever he was an adult here. You should be facilitating a relationship not being jealous. Why was she not invited out for the meal? She's part of the family op. You should be including her especially at Christmas and his birthday.

LinneM · 22/12/2023 22:17

I don’t think you’re being U.

Regardless of the context, I think it’s quite shitty to say, ‘I don’t want to carry on with our plans because I feel quite stressed’ and then two seconds later it’s ‘oh I went here today and I had a great time.’ If he was feeling shitty then he clearly wasn’t feeling THAT shitty and still could have went out with you and your son as planned.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with spending time with his daughter on his birthday. I do think he should have tried to spend the day with you guys as planned and seen his daughter also. It’s a bit rubbish to cancel with someone and then harp on about the plan you had with someone else AFTER cancelling

ThePoshUns · 22/12/2023 22:19

I think you're being a little unreasonable.
He's making up for lost time.
He wanted a relationship with his daughter and she didn't up until now.

Maybe you also need to get to know her and include her in family occasions such as her Dads birthday?
Be the grown up here

CwmYoy · 22/12/2023 22:20

Of course you aren't U. He let you and DC down then made it worse by seeing his DD, despite Choosing to cancel prior arrangements.

Nasty man.

HVPRN · 22/12/2023 22:22

HardcoreLadyType · 22/12/2023 22:09

He’s probably been feeling low because of the estrangement.

If he feels low at Christmas, that’s been because he wants to see his daughter at Christmas time, and hasn’t been able to.

This has nothing to do with you, and your children together.

Can you not find it within yourself to be happy for him, finally seeing his daughter after so long? Do you think he wouldn’t be just as pleased if it were your son who he has not seen?

This :)

YABU OP.

ACynicalDad · 22/12/2023 22:24

I can understand why you are annoyed but look at the bigger picture. Maybe his depression round Christmas is because she’s not with him. He’s been desperate for this for years and it’s finally happening. Give him all the space her needs and do it with good grace. When he refocuses on you he will be a happier more content person.

Original poster
BusyDoingNotADamnThing · 22/12/2023 22:25

Onwegointohappytimes · 22/12/2023 22:14

Well I don't think YABU at all. It's not ok to muck you and his younger child around like this and it's setting behaviours that will have more consequences if it repeats itself.

He said he didn't want to go out but then did with someone else. That's obviously going to make you feel horrid.

A talk about boundaries would be helpful so it doesn't repeat.

He can build a positive relationship either way his eldest DD but not by causing upset elsewhere

Thank you for seeing where I'm coming from. It's not the fact that he's spending time with her it's the fact that he's specifically said he didn't want to do anything at all today to acknowledge his birthday but then celebrated his birthday with someone else. The fact that he decided to celebrate with someone else before actually letting me know he wanted to cancel our plans for this evening as well is what bothered me the most. Our son was waiting for him to come home so we could go out together.

It's not even the first time they've met since they've been talking as so many comments on here have assumed. They had already met twice before today.

I just don't know how to even start a conversation about this with him though. That's what I needed help with and every other comment has added nothing to help me with that.

OP posts:
Anneta · 22/12/2023 22:26

As well as being your bf’s DD , she is also your children’s sibling. You should be the adult here and try to welcome her into your family. It’s not about her versus you or him choosing to be with her over you. You will end up very unhappy if you take such a negative approach towards her.

brainworms · 22/12/2023 22:29

Wow. You're really selfish.