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Original poster

Bf prioritising estranged daughter over me and our son.

155 replies

BusyDoingNotADamnThing · 22/12/2023 21:42

Been with bf for 10 years we have a son together, I'm currently pregnant with our second child.

In the 10 years we've been together he's tried multiple times to initiate contact with his daughter from a previous relationship. She's aged about 18/19 now. Over the years she's never been interested. Suddenly in the last month or two she decided to message my bf saying that she's now decided she wants to know him. Since then they've spoken almost everyday.

Today is my bf's birthday and we had made plans to go out for a meal along with our son. Earlier today he told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted to go out for a meal anymore as he's been feeling stressed and low emotionally. (He has been known to struggle in previous years around Christmas.)
I told him that we can always do something at a later date if he's not feeling up to going out today but just asked him to let me know once he had decided.

An hour or two after we had this conversation he called me saying that he didn't want to go out for the meal or do anything because he just feels low and doesn't want to go anywhere or make a fuss of his birthday today.
Then straight after he told me that this afternoon he had a message from his daughter saying happy birthday and out of the blue she had asked him if he wanted to meet her to go for a drink. So they spent all afternoon together, went to starbucks had hot chocolate and cake as her birthday treat to him. He carries on telling me how happy he is to finally spend time with her and how he's had such a great afternoon.

He's made a last minute decision to cancel the plans he had with me and our son today because instead he's accepted her sudden offer to celebrate his birthday with her this afternoon. Even though he told me he didn't want to go anywhere or do anything today because of how he's feeling.

I feel like such an arsehole for being mad at him on his birthday but he's made me so angry. I don't want him to come tonight because I don't have anything decent to say to him and I know if I say anything about today that it will just cause an arguement.
He's told me over the years how guilty he's always felt that he hasn't been there her whole life like he has for our son. Now today the way he cancelled our plans and chose her over us just makes me wonder if he's going to keep prioritising her over us because he feels guilty. He's basically ditched us to spend the day with her. He's already shown me that given a choice he's chosen her over us.

I don't even know where to begin in telling him how shitty he's made me feel today. Feels like whatever I say I'm going to be the bad guy in this situation.
I don't know what to do but I know I'll just become more angry by the situation the longer I don't say something. I don't want this to cause a huge argument and for it to ruin Christmas as well.

OP posts:
Sodndashitall · 23/12/2023 08:04

OP, I think the way to approach the conversation is maybe a day or two after. I think you can reasonably say something like
"I am really glad you had a lovely time with your DD the other day on your birthday. I know it is important to you to rebuild that relationship. But you need to know that our son was pretty disappointed as he'd made a big effort to make a cake and card etc and so you deciding to cancel plans on was hard on him. Especially as you had done some birthday celebrations. Next time I think it would be good for you to make an effort to celebrate with both children either separately or together, even if you don't necessarily feel like it".

I went through a phase of hating my birthday after I split with my ex. But my kids always wanted to celebrate it. So I had to pretend to enjoy it for them!

Muchof · 23/12/2023 08:06

THisbackwithavengeance · 23/12/2023 07:24

I'm normally on the side of the SC in these threads but in this case I think you were treated badly.

How can he go from apparently being too depressed to take part in the preplanned celebration with you and your shared DS to being suddenly cock a hoop at sharing the day with his other DD? WTF?

I know on MN you're not supposed to say anything for fear of being seen as unreasonable, bitchy or jealous but I'd tell him how you feel. You are part of this as well and as a couple, his relationship and dealings with his DCs affect you as well. You need to be involved with his plans as well, he can't just shut you out.

.

I would have thought it patently obvious why somebody could go from feeling low to feeling elated because he has spent time with his prevously estranged child. Can you really not envisage that? Wow.

Startingagainandagain · 23/12/2023 08:21

Of course it is right of him to prioritise his daughter after such a long estrangement and take every opportunity to meet up with her...

He is not choosing her over you and your family. That is a very odd way to look at it.

He has to do everything he can to finally repair the relationship and that means fitting in with whatever meeting opportunity she is offering right now.

I think you really need to get your head a wobble and see that you are being rather immature about it.

WaltzingWaters · 23/12/2023 08:23

I was going to say you’re being massively unreasonable and just sound jealous. But having read your updates I can see you wrote that quickly whilst upset and it’s just a messy situation and you sound far more reasonable than you did in the first post.

I think you need to try not to be too upset about the situation on his birthday. Maybe leave it a few days until you’re not so upset about the actual event. Tell him you’re very happy he is able to have a relationship with his Dd now, but that that can’t come at the expense of you and your son, so cancelling plans isn’t okay. But I’d leave it about his birthday, I can see why he didn’t want to say no to his Dd making plans, but going forward he shouldn’t cancel existing plans.

And make it clear (which it sounds like you’ve done) that you’d love to meet her and have her form a relationship with your children, and that can happen as soon as she is ready, whether that’s now or in years to come, but she won’t be meeting your children until you’ve met her. So meeting the newborn baby without you there absolutely will not be happening.

I can understand how difficult this is for you also, a big change. You need to do everything you reasonably can to allow your partner to form this relationship and it must be extremely difficult for them both after all this time and her mums lies. But yes, set boundaries also.

Pumpkinpie1 · 23/12/2023 08:30

I think your BF has been very thoughtless.
Is this breaking of plans something he often does?
I know you don’t want an argument but I think he needs to be told his actions were mean.
Having a relationship with his daughter is fine , but he needs to remember he has a son - who made him a cake for his birthday, wanted to celebrate with his dad but BF treated him like …. Your son will remember this incident. It could easily affect their future relationship.Does BF want to have another child estranged from him ?

I would be hurt too OP in this situation and would need to talk to him.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 23/12/2023 08:30

I think I get where you are coming from OP. It is not that he spent time with his dd, it is that he paid no mind to how his actions might effect your son.

Also you need to put your foot down over the baby issue. No way should she meet the baby without meeting you first.

jimmyjammy001 · 23/12/2023 08:44

Sorry you knew he had children from a previous relationship when you decided to date him and this day would come when they would finally meet up and reconnect, you should of not got involved in the first place, his child is his main priority, you come second, that how it works with children from previous relationships, you will just have to accept the decisions he makes with his daughter even if it affects you in a negative way, this is part and parcel of dating someone with previous children many would of not got involved in the first place.

MinnieMountain · 23/12/2023 08:49

Maybe the partner shouldn’t have chosen to have 2, soon to be 3, DC if he can’t be a decent parent to all of them @jimmyjammy001 .

Mrsknowitall · 23/12/2023 08:56

Hi, I’m actually in the same position as your boyfriend, I’m a mum estranged from my 20 yr old son and have been since he was 11! (His dad done a wonderful job of alienating him from the maternal side of the family) and I can completely understand where you are coming from, yes he does need to build a relationship with his daughter but not at the expense of your young son. He could of still done something special with both of you once he got home ( that’s what I would of done) he would of been feeling on a bit of a high after meeting with his daughter so would of been in a much better head space to do something nice with you too.
be careful when your baby is here if you say no to the daughter meeting the new baby on her own as this might make your bf sneaky and taking baby without you knowing (he might say he’s taking the baby to parents, shopping etc to give you a break) this would be to keep her happy and not rock the boat with her as he wants to keep her in his life so will do whatever she wants until a more established relationship has been made. I am now remarried and have 2 sons with my dh and I know how upset they would be if I blew out my birthday plans with them (dh and kids also have never met my older son) so I do hope your son is ok. Try not to argue with your bf as he is just trying to please her as it is very hard but do set boundaries and open an invite for her to come to dinner at your house nothing fancy just a take away so there’s not to much pressure on everyone. Good luck. X

mikado1 · 23/12/2023 08:59

The only bit I'd have a problem with is him not having the cake and a little celebration/birthday tea on return. Your own ds' response to it will depend very much on how you handle it OP. Same with all disappointments in his life.

Soontobe60 · 23/12/2023 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

How do you know he hasn’t tried for years to see his DD? A good friend of mine was kept away from his child by his ex - she really was a piece of work. Sometimes, mothers can be terrible mothers!

Twitchie · 23/12/2023 09:37

Ponderingwindow · 23/12/2023 02:38

He made a massive mistake 10
years ago by not fighting for his child through the courts. He compounded that mistake by going on to start a new family when he could have been spending that energy fighting for access to his child.

the daughter he abandoned his now old enough to contact him independently. He has to handle this very carefully. She is going to have years of emotional baggage built up over his choices. Declining her invitation has the potential to be interpreted as much more than simply not being available that particular time.

he needs to be proactive about trying to repair this relationship.he shouldn’t abandon his other children in the process, but maybe for once he needs to put his daughter first.

This is absolutely right.

Something as simple as telling her 'I'll see you tomorrow instead' could be the nail in the coffin in their relationship given the history. This is important, he did the right thing.

Twitchie · 23/12/2023 09:41

This thing about demanding to be one of the first to meet the baby without you there is giving me the creeps

She's a 18 year old who doesn't know the realities of a newborn

She wants to meet her new sibling with her dad.

She doesn't want to be bombarded with other family members. Who would want to meet someone who seems to disapprove of your existence?

MaxTalk · 23/12/2023 10:05

MinnieMountain · 23/12/2023 08:49

Maybe the partner shouldn’t have chosen to have 2, soon to be 3, DC if he can’t be a decent parent to all of them @jimmyjammy001 .

There's some total crap posted on this thread.

But we have a winner. Well done. :)

Luxell934 · 23/12/2023 11:14

You do sound jealous. It's his daughter, not a random female.

Can you not understand that her wanting to spend time with him might of cheered him up after being estranged from his daughter for most of her life?

It's not about you and it's not about your son. It was about your husband reconnecting with his child. Your husband has 2 children and one more on the way. He can prioritise individual time with each child without being unreasonable.

He spent the afternoon with her, your reservation wasn't until 6. She wasn't the reason he didn't want to go out for a meal that night.

The only thing he is being unreasonable about was not eating some of the cake your son made. Surely he could have eaten at least one mouthful even if he was full.

MinnieMountain · 23/12/2023 11:18

You don’t believe one should be a decent parent to all one’s children @MaxTalk ? Blimey.

Kittensat36 · 23/12/2023 12:16

Codlingmoths · 23/12/2023 06:28

Ignoring all the things that have been thoroughly addressed by others, I think there’s scope to say to him: darling im a grown up and I understand that seeing your daughter is super special so you were able to go out yesterday and have lots of fun but then not want to come out with us. I am glad you had that special moment for your birthday. Your son is not a grown up and doesn’t understand, he thinks daddy didn’t like the cake he helped make. Can you please take some time today to show him you appreciate the effort he went to for your birthday.

I think this is the most sensible answer on the whole thread.

Yeah, DP needs to re-establish his relationship with his daughter, but in future, he is going to have to factor his other children into the equation - "sorry Daddy couldn't get home this afternoon, but I hear you made me a cake". He can fake it for his DS's sake.

He needs to keep it balanced, make sure that OP's children know that they are important too. And if you think this won't affect his DS in future, maybe this once won't, but if - in the name of reuniting with his DD - DP treats his later children less fairly, we're gonna see another thread from this OP.

I wish him luck with his daughter - hope it turns out for him.

MaxTalk · 23/12/2023 12:28

MinnieMountain · 23/12/2023 11:18

You don’t believe one should be a decent parent to all one’s children @MaxTalk ? Blimey.

Of course he should, hence seeing his daughter.

Not sure what point you are trying to make.

MinnieMountain · 23/12/2023 13:23

@MaxTalk I said the man should be a decent parent to all his children, you said I’m talking total crap. So you didn’t mean that then?

Startingagainandagain · 23/12/2023 13:49

@Pumpkinpie1
''I think your BF has been very thoughtless.
Is this breaking of plans something he often does?
I know you don’t want an argument but I think he needs to be told his actions were mean.
Having a relationship with his daughter is fine , but he needs to remember he has a son - who made him a cake for his birthday, wanted to celebrate with his dad but BF treated him like …. Your son will remember this incident. It could easily affect their future relationship.Does BF want to have another child estranged from him ?

I would be hurt too OP in this situation and would need to talk to him.''

This is such an odd reply and frankly emotionally tone deaf...

Again, his daughter is his priority because she has suddenly given him a chance to reconnect and of course he has to take any chance he can get to see her and finally do the right thing by his daughter.

His son and partner see him everyday for goodness sake.

To suggest his son will become estranged from him because of a birthday cake is ludicrous.

Also this is only a problem because the OP has made it an issue.

All she needed to do is talk to/distract her son and explain that his big sister needed to see his dad and that they had lots to talk about and they will have another celebration with dad later that evening or tomorrow.

After all the OP knew full well her partner had a child from a previous relationships and this means he has existing responsibilities. He can't just always be about the OP and their son.

Also for those saying that it is wrong of the daughter to want to meet the OP's son but not the OP.

This boy is her half-brother, the OP is nothing to her.

Is there a chance that you were the 'other woman' OP?

Even if that is not the case the daughter might have been brainwashed by her mother and it is reasonable for her to take thing slowly and want to meet her brother without additional pressure.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/12/2023 14:33

Let this one go it's his birthday and it was the first chance he's had to see her - he sees all of you every day. If it was your child's bday it would be a bit different.

HamBone · 23/12/2023 14:37

I agree with @Codlingmoths sensible advice.

Re. Your DSD. Having read your updates on how her Mum’s behaviour moving around so much, etc., you and your bf must bear in mind that she’s likely to have been emotionally affected by all that instability. Did she also have to change schools frequently?

She may have no idea of how family dynamics work, hence her reluctance to meet you and your DS. She may see you as threats to her relationship with her Dad (whereas a baby is less of a threat perhaps).

Fs365 · 23/12/2023 14:53

MaxTalk · 23/12/2023 12:28

Of course he should, hence seeing his daughter.

Not sure what point you are trying to make.

Show quote history

@MaxTalk so your just talking crap then

MCOut · 23/12/2023 16:03

Twitchie · 23/12/2023 09:41

This thing about demanding to be one of the first to meet the baby without you there is giving me the creeps

She's a 18 year old who doesn't know the realities of a newborn

She wants to meet her new sibling with her dad.

She doesn't want to be bombarded with other family members. Who would want to meet someone who seems to disapprove of your existence?

This. She is a teenager, and the nature of teenagers is that they sometimes make unreasonable requests. There is no need for all the horrible OTT comments about the daughter.

Also, OP you’ve not been privy to any of these conversations so I would take this with a large pinch of salt. For all you know your DP misunderstood.

You also need to remember that your child is about to have another sibling. He will have to become used to sharing your attention.

MaxTalk · 23/12/2023 17:52

MinnieMountain · 23/12/2023 13:23

@MaxTalk I said the man should be a decent parent to all his children, you said I’m talking total crap. So you didn’t mean that then?

I didn't say that at all. I said many people are talking crap on this thread. But your post was worse than that.

Mega crap perhaps?

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