Bf prioritising estranged daughter over me and our son.

[BusyDoingNotADamnThing]

Been with bf for 10 years we have a son together, I'm currently pregnant with our second child.

In the 10 years we've been together he's tried multiple times to initiate contact with his daughter from a previous relationship. She's aged about 18/19 now. Over the years she's never been interested. Suddenly in the last month or two she decided to message my bf saying that she's now decided she wants to know him. Since then they've spoken almost everyday.

Today is my bf's birthday and we had made plans to go out for a meal along with our son. Earlier today he told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted to go out for a meal anymore as he's been feeling stressed and low emotionally. (He has been known to struggle in previous years around Christmas.)
I told him that we can always do something at a later date if he's not feeling up to going out today but just asked him to let me know once he had decided.

An hour or two after we had this conversation he called me saying that he didn't want to go out for the meal or do anything because he just feels low and doesn't want to go anywhere or make a fuss of his birthday today.
Then straight after he told me that this afternoon he had a message from his daughter saying happy birthday and out of the blue she had asked him if he wanted to meet her to go for a drink. So they spent all afternoon together, went to starbucks had hot chocolate and cake as her birthday treat to him. He carries on telling me how happy he is to finally spend time with her and how he's had such a great afternoon.

He's made a last minute decision to cancel the plans he had with me and our son today because instead he's accepted her sudden offer to celebrate his birthday with her this afternoon. Even though he told me he didn't want to go anywhere or do anything today because of how he's feeling.

I feel like such an arsehole for being mad at him on his birthday but he's made me so angry. I don't want him to come tonight because I don't have anything decent to say to him and I know if I say anything about today that it will just cause an arguement.
He's told me over the years how guilty he's always felt that he hasn't been there her whole life like he has for our son. Now today the way he cancelled our plans and chose her over us just makes me wonder if he's going to keep prioritising her over us because he feels guilty. He's basically ditched us to spend the day with her. He's already shown me that given a choice he's chosen her over us.

I don't even know where to begin in telling him how shitty he's made me feel today. Feels like whatever I say I'm going to be the bad guy in this situation.
I don't know what to do but I know I'll just become more angry by the situation the longer I don't say something. I don't want this to cause a huge argument and for it to ruin Christmas as well.

So did you not say he cancelled the dinner this morning ? Rather than two before going out ?

I was the one who originally said to my bf that there was no pressure for her to meet anyone other than him until she's ready. I also said if she only wanted to see her dad then again no issues.

But I did also say that at any point he can't forget his commitments he makes to our son and that our son shouldn't be affected by the guilt he feels for not being there for her. It's not my son's fault that he's had his dad around and she hasn't.

Maybe I am thinking too far ahead about it. At the same time part of me feels like if I don't say something about it this time it could create future habits that make him think it's ok to handle these situations in this way. Unfortunately he could of handled this a lot better.

Originally this morning he said that he was feeling low and wasn't sure if he still wanted to go out.
So I asked him to let me know once he had decided.

Our reservation was for 6pm. He didn't actually call me to say he didn't want to go until 4:30pm.

YABU he had already messaged you around 12 pm saying he didn't want to go out to the restaurant that evening . His daughter spending time with him that afternoon has nothing to do with him not wanting to go to a restaurant .He confirmed with you at 4 30 that he did not want to go to out on busy night . He came home and spent the evening with both of you , what is the big deal ?

Honestly the most frustrating part of it is the way he's handled the situation.
Telling me he's not sure if he still wants to go out but I just asked him to let me know once he had decided.

We were supposed to be going out at 6pm.
He waited until 4:30pm when he called me and said he felt too depressed to want to do anything today and didn't want to go out at all. But then said he'd been out all afternoon had a great time. Regardless of who he was with clearly he wasn't feeling too depressed to be out this afternoon but it bothered him enough to cancel our plans last minute.
Not only that but our son had helped me make a cake, write on cards and wraps gifts. But after bf got back this evening he didn't want any of the cake our son had made him because he'd already been out for cake earlier in the day.

That then left my son asking if his dad didn't like the cake we'd made for him.

I just don't think it's wise to say nothing and risk my bf thinking how he's handled today is ok and it becoming a recurring thing in the future.

All I know in regards to that is she's made it clear her current interest is just meeting the baby. Whatever the reasoning behind the request it definitely won't be happening.

On the face of it you sounds very unreasonable. If my partner had the chance to see someone they been trying to see for over 10 years I'd be over the moon for him, even if it meant cancelling our plans.
And this wasn't just someone - it's his daughter, and it wasn't even at the same time as your plans.
However the fact he wouldn't even eat a slice of the cake your son made him, or bother to let you know that he wasn't going to make the dinner to 4.30pm makes me think he is a bit of a selfish prick generally and the problems might run deeper than this one afternoon with his estranged daughter.

Of course to me my child is my priority in every situation.
It not just about it being one cancelled plan it's also that his dad took most of the day to decide he wanted to do nothing to even acknowledge his birthday. He didn't want to acknowledge the effort our son had made for him for his birthday either.

It wasn't his dad or anyone else who heard my son this evening asking if his dad didn't have any cake because he didn't like the one we'd made. So yes the way this has been handled if it's the first time or not has affected my son.
So if me saying something about it will avoid my son asking in future if something he's done is good enough then without doubt I'm going to say something.

I haven't actually attempted to discuss with bf this evening and any issue we ever discuss never happens around or infront of our son. As I've said it's a conversation I really do not know how to approach.
The only place I have vented my feelings about today is on this thread. So no my son hasn't seen me show any annoyance towards his dad.

Honestly I would hope that he would always choose his children over me. If it had just of been plans between me and him, it could have easily been rearranged for any other day.

He could of taken two minutes to message me to say he intended to spend time with someone else today. Instead he left it until he had already spent the afternoon with someone else and only afterwards proceeded to tell me he felt too depressed to do anything else today. That's a shitty way to deal with any situation.

OP, you don't sound unreasonable at all to me. You are right to make your son your priority, and correct that you and him were shoddily treated today. Full stop.

This thing about demanding to be one of the first to meet the baby without you there is giving me the creeps. Sure, the baby will be her sibling, but she already has a sibling - your son - who she's refusing to meet. It would be totally understandable if she has issues arising from the way she was brought up, but you naturally will want to protect your children and your own family unit. I would tread carefully here.

I think YABVVU. He has a lot of catching up to do. You don't know what it's like to be separated from your child. It changes everything from your self worth, identity, emotional state, etc. You have to allow him the space to navigate his new life. Also, it was his birthday, not yours. If things go badly and Christmas is ruined, that's on you. I understand you feel pushed aside but you need to start thinking of others and not just yourself.

I agree talking to him and setting a precedent in a good way is important. Just wait until you've calmed down. You can sort this out without fighting or getting so angry. I didn't see the part about meeting the baby but that level of pushing you out is absolutely insane. Boundaries and talking this through is needed for sure! Hopefully everyone can be on the same page soon.

Imagine being estranged from your child op. And then imagine they finally reached out and wanted to spend time with you. Now imagine you're partner getting shitty with you about that!

So what it really comes down DP didn't eat the cake .

Ignoring all the things that have been thoroughly addressed by others, I think there’s scope to say to him: darling im a grown up and I understand that seeing your daughter is super special so you were able to go out yesterday and have lots of fun but then not want to come out with us. I am glad you had that special moment for your birthday. Your son is not a grown up and doesn’t understand, he thinks daddy didn’t like the cake he helped make. Can you please take some time today to show him you appreciate the effort he went to for your birthday.

I helped him make a birthday cake, he wrote on cards and helped wrap gifts because he wanted to make effort for his dad.

When his dad got home he had already been out and had cake so he then didn't want anymore cake. He didn't have any of his birthday cake that we had taken the time to make for him. How do you think that made my son feel?

Yep, that was shitty of his dad. Who does that to a kid who's made a special cake for their birthday?

I understand his drive to see his daughter, but there was no need for him to treat your son that way.

Highly doubt the 'she only wants to meet the baby' situation is true. - likely made up by you OP as this came into the conversation when you received more replies that you were being unreasonable; to turn the tables.

She isn't getting shitty about him seeing her. She's angry because he could have done both things. Seen her and still appreciated the son's cake and gone out for the meal they'd booked.

The timings didn't clash. He saw his DD in the afternoon, the things planned with OP and the son were in the evening.

Can you come from a different angle? Potentially if you lead with how you and son felt he may get defensive (rightly or wrongly) and the conversation won't go as you hope leaving you both upset and frustrated. Do you know why this time of year is hard for him?

Maybe check in with him about how things went with his DD yesterday along the lines of you just wanted to see how he was and if everything went OK yesterday as he cancelled your evening plans. If he insists everything was fine maybe reassure that's good and you're pleased he's able to finally build a relationship with his DD, but DS was upset about not doing something together. Offer suggestions for how this could be addressed with DS. If the reason he struggles this time of year is for different reasons outside of his relationship with DD tell him that you know its a hard time for him so in future it might be best if you don't plan something but if he wants to do something to let you know because you and DS felt XYZ yesterday.

It's a difficult situation for all. Yes he needs opportunity to build a relationship with his DD but not at the expense of his DS. Try arrange some days and invite DD to join you all. She may refuse, thats her choice, you don't know what narrative her mum has given about you, but at least she will have opportunity to be included in the family and it may help your DS to not feel excluded.

Also the cake with your son in the evening situation is probably over exaggerated and untrue too. - it's just too much of a coincidence escalating post based on your initial responses.

Wish you all the best, stay calm, graceful and communicate your feelings with husband. Keep your son out of it, barring in the loop for casual excitement of connecting with his sister at some point if it all works out.

@BusyDoingNotADamnThing I can't quite understand your post.

Your BF who's been estranged from his DD finally gets to spend time with her and you're pissed? You're supportive aren't you?

Let him have his birthday with her, let him develop a relationship with her and support him.

You can go for a meal any day.

I'm normally on the side of the SC in these threads but in this case I think you were treated badly.

How can he go from apparently being too depressed to take part in the preplanned celebration with you and your shared DS to being suddenly cock a hoop at sharing the day with his other DD? WTF?

I know on MN you're not supposed to say anything for fear of being seen as unreasonable, bitchy or jealous but I'd tell him how you feel. You are part of this as well and as a couple, his relationship and dealings with his DCs affect you as well. You need to be involved with his plans as well, he can't just shut you out.

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I think it is lovely he is finally able to spend time with his other child. It is his birthday not your wedding anniversary or anything and you are acting like his daughter is the other woman or something. Cop on ffs.

Of course to me my child is my priority in every situation.

So your DH is never ever ever your priority?

Are you for real? Genuinely you can't understand the how he may have felt and why he may have acted in such a manner?

The OP is after validation that she is "in the right" which IMO isn't. I presume the situation with his daughter is somewhat fragile and sensitive and he therefore doesn't want to do anything to harm that in these early days.

I would have thought that's obvious but maybe not to some posters?

OP - He is doing the right thing and seems like a great dad. His ex sounds like a nasty piece of work so please support him to do what he wants at this time. No doubt things will become easier for you in the future but you can help yourself by being more emotionally aware.

People need to have other priorities sometimes - it's not that they don't care about you but that is life. If you take such things so personally all the time you will have plenty of problems in the future.

I’ve read all your responses OP and you’ve ignored or defended yourself against every poster who said you were unreasonable and have sought affirmation in the few posts in your favour.

You don’t want to know if you’re being unreasonable at all, do you? You’ve already decided you are justified.

It doesn’t matter what he said about feeling low, I don’t know why you are pretending it is that, this is just pure jealousy and possessiveness on your part. This is his daughter that he has been trying to build a relationship with for years and you want to query that he has met up with her three times in the last decade!