Bf prioritising estranged daughter over me and our son.

[BusyDoingNotADamnThing]

Been with bf for 10 years we have a son together, I'm currently pregnant with our second child.

In the 10 years we've been together he's tried multiple times to initiate contact with his daughter from a previous relationship. She's aged about 18/19 now. Over the years she's never been interested. Suddenly in the last month or two she decided to message my bf saying that she's now decided she wants to know him. Since then they've spoken almost everyday.

Today is my bf's birthday and we had made plans to go out for a meal along with our son. Earlier today he told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted to go out for a meal anymore as he's been feeling stressed and low emotionally. (He has been known to struggle in previous years around Christmas.)
I told him that we can always do something at a later date if he's not feeling up to going out today but just asked him to let me know once he had decided.

An hour or two after we had this conversation he called me saying that he didn't want to go out for the meal or do anything because he just feels low and doesn't want to go anywhere or make a fuss of his birthday today.
Then straight after he told me that this afternoon he had a message from his daughter saying happy birthday and out of the blue she had asked him if he wanted to meet her to go for a drink. So they spent all afternoon together, went to starbucks had hot chocolate and cake as her birthday treat to him. He carries on telling me how happy he is to finally spend time with her and how he's had such a great afternoon.

He's made a last minute decision to cancel the plans he had with me and our son today because instead he's accepted her sudden offer to celebrate his birthday with her this afternoon. Even though he told me he didn't want to go anywhere or do anything today because of how he's feeling.

I feel like such an arsehole for being mad at him on his birthday but he's made me so angry. I don't want him to come tonight because I don't have anything decent to say to him and I know if I say anything about today that it will just cause an arguement.
He's told me over the years how guilty he's always felt that he hasn't been there her whole life like he has for our son. Now today the way he cancelled our plans and chose her over us just makes me wonder if he's going to keep prioritising her over us because he feels guilty. He's basically ditched us to spend the day with her. He's already shown me that given a choice he's chosen her over us.

I don't even know where to begin in telling him how shitty he's made me feel today. Feels like whatever I say I'm going to be the bad guy in this situation.
I don't know what to do but I know I'll just become more angry by the situation the longer I don't say something. I don't want this to cause a huge argument and for it to ruin Christmas as well.

YANBU X

@BusyDoingNotADamnThing I really feel for you. This is a difficult and nuanced situation that is very difficult to convey in simple terms on a thread like this. I hope you're ok. I hope your son is ok and I hope your dh and his daughter are ok. There's no simple fix here. It's a tough gig

Why could you have not all gone out together.

On one hand I can see why you are upset especially as your son is 8 so he is old enough to know it’s his dad’s birthday. On the other hand I can see why your partner wanted to spend time with his daughter. Could it be he felt if he couldn’t say no he had other plans there and then to his daughter it might not have looked good and thought it would have been easier letting you and his son down (not that he should be letting any of his children down.

It does come across as jealousy from you when you say he ditched us to spend time with his daughter. Your son gets to see his dad everyday, his daughter hasn’t seen him every day. You are most definitely being unreasonable when you say you don’t want him to come home tonight.

So we're hos plans with you for this afternoon? So he cancelled on you and say her instead? Or were his plans with you for thos evening and he saw her on the afternoon but cancelled on you for the evening?

Also did he literally tell you he was too low to go out and then immediately say he'd seen his daughter instead? Or were those two different conversations?

Do you not live together as you mentioned him not coming tonight?

Just trying to understand timelines and relationships more for context

She's already stated she doesn't yet want to meet me or my son but has asked her dad if she can meet the new baby as soon as he's born because she loves babies.

She would of been more than welcome to join us if she had wanted to.

That’s obviously a mad request so I hope he’s said no? Your baby is not a toy.

She'll ask to meet a baby because a baby has no preconceived expectations of reciprocal emotional investment. It doesn't mean you should agree, but that's probably why she's asking.

I'm astounded at the lack of psychological awareness of some of the posters on here, given OP's updates surrounding the daughter's fractured relationship with her father.

Given her mother is a tad loopy, it wouldn't be unsurprising if his D has some unusual requests. Stick to what you are comfortable with around who sees your baby and when.
It's early days, so see how it pans out. If he gets all consumed by this newfound D relationship, words may need to be had, but it may settle in time.
Do you have an unconventional setup? You said you didn't want him to come around after, as if you aren't actually living together? I may have misinterpreted that, but if not, there's a back story.

I understand this all new for you but I do think you are being unreasonable. Support him in this. Your children have an older sister whether you like it or not and this could be beneficial for you all especially your children. Don't look at this from the view that she is taking him away from you; thats her dad.

I can appreciate that ditched sounds like a petty way to put it. To be honest I was annoyed when I made this post it was written that way through a lack of finding better wording at the time.
We had a reservation made for dinner and he decided this afternoon he didn't want to go. By the time he called me to let me know this he had already spent all afternoon with his daughter and had dropped her home. He cancelled on our plans and said he didn't want to do anything to celebrate after having already been out all afternoon with her.

I wouldn't ever stop him from coming home. In that moment I didn't know how I was going to look at him or speak to him without wanting to say something that I knew could upset him if taken the wrong way. Wasn't sure how to begin a conversation about a subject that is so sensitive.

She actually asked her dad if he could take the new baby to meet her without her having to see me or my son.

I wouldn't stop him coming home. I was just venting as I didn't know how I was going to speak to him this evening without saying something that could upset him. I didn't know what or how to say anything about it because of the sensitivity of the situation.

OP, is you DP an introvert? Lots of people find it exhausting to socialise, particularly with people they don’t know. It is understandable that he wants to spend time with his daughter and possibly that itself is genuinely too draining for him to want to do anything else.

I’d approach it from an understanding point of view. That it makes sense he wants to prioritise building a relationship with a child who he doesn’t know. But ask him to be mindful that he doesn’t damage the currently good relationships he has with you and his other child.

“She actually asked her dad if he could take the new baby to meet her without her having to see me or my son.”
Massive no to this. Start as you mean to continue, this is a wedge to divide the family. She’s still a kid, and she’s hurting, and she understandably wants her father to herself, but this request is entirely inappropriate and your DH needs to shut this down. She needs to understand you are a unit - and this may be hard for her, coming from such dysfunction.

So that will be her first meeting with you?

Or will she expect her dad to bring the baby to her?

Cross post.

Hell to the No.

That is very unreasonable

We had a reservation booked for 6pm.

He had gone out this morning. He messaged me around noon saying he wasn't sure if he still wanted to go out this evening becauseof how he's feeling. That's when I said if he changed his mind and didn't want to do anything we could reschedule for a later date when he was feeling better in himself. Just asked him to let me know.

The next time I heard from him was at around 4:30pm this afternoon he called me to say that he definitely didn't want to go for a meal but that he'd spent the afternoon out with his daughter and he'd had a great afternoon with her.

I just said that about not wanting him to come home because I wasn't sure how I could speak to him without saying something that could upset him.
I was struggling with what to say because I didn't want to cause an arguement and I didn't want to say anything to make him think that I don't support him in having a bond with her.
I'm just annoyed at how he's handled the situation today. He's left us waiting most of the day only to say he doesn't feel up to continuing with our plans but felt ok to have already celebrated his birthday in some way with someone else, regardless of who it was.

When she asked about the baby my bf mentioned about meeting the three of us in time when she's ready but her response was she isn't ready to meet me or my son. She just wanted dad to take the baby to meet her.

He hasn't handled it very well, so in a day or 2 I would just talk about communication and expectations moving forward.

You're talking about his dd like you're in competition with her though, you're not, this is a really delicate situation, and it sounds like he's doing all he can to keep her in his life.

Can you imagine losing touch with your ds, damned right if he then wanted you to go out, even if you weren't in the mood, you would do it.

She sounds as manipulative as her mother. Getting him to meet up last minute on his birthday when it was highly likely he'd have plans with you and his con....insisting she's one of the first to meet the new baby WITHOUT it's mother there. Hell no. Keep this missy at arms length. No one is taking that newborn baby away from you.

I totally get why you'd be upset at him doing that, but I do think it's a tricky situation and I get that his feelings around it all could be all over, however I don't think he's really considered the feelings of you and your son at all which isn't okay. Yes, rebuilding a relationship with his daughter is important but you are all his family- you, your son, his daughter, your new baby- he needs to be considering all of you in this.

If I were you I would probably not make too big a deal of this time so it doesn't become an argument but I would mention that I found it a bit hurtful that he bailed on you and your son but was okay to see her. I would just want to say it so it doesnt fester, make sure he knows you understand how much it would mean to him to spend time with his daughter but it stings that he felt able to spend that time with her while cancelling on you and your son. I would also very strongly suggest therapy because if their relationship continues to build (and hopefully it does) then this is just the beginning of it all and there will be many more instances that might be tricky to navigate. I think it would be really worthwhile attending counselling or therapy to support you to find a way through it all. We got my stepchildren full time after my partner hadn't seen them for years due to alienation and I saw a really good therapist who helped me hugely in finding my way through it all.

I can appreciate that my wording may have sounded bitter. I do and have always supported him in trying to have contact with her.

My issue is how the situation has been handled by him today and knowing that I need to discuss it with him but that I didn't know how to approach the conversation about it.

I didn't intend to sound harsh towards his daughter but at the same time it was unfair on our son who with me had made the effort for his dad today. My 8 year olds feelings shouldn't be any less important than hers because he's had his dad around and she hasn't. As a mother my child is my first priority. A lot of people seem to be dismissing how today has affected my son too.

Thank you for your understanding and thank you for sharing your experience. I did anticipate that this whole new situation could become difficult at times. I just didn't anticipate how it would feel so difficult to discuss these things and having no idea where to start that type of conversation.

I do appreciate that it's a difficult and new situation for all of us.
I don't mean for it to come across that way. I don't see her as competition in anyway.

He cancelled our plans we had reservations for at 6pm. He called me at 4:30pm to tell me he no longer wanted to go out and in the same call proceeded to tell me that he'd been about all afternoon with someone else.

I need to talk to him about how he handled the situation and my concerns for how he made me and our son feel. I just don't know how to have that conversation with him.

OP - i think you need to get a grip.
Your 8yo was not affected by not going to the restaurant for his dad’s b-day. Presumably dad got back in the afternoon and all three of you had dinner and cake - so your son and his father had their time.

You are very sensitive and guarding your territory way too aggressively.

Your H and his daughter are in the very early stages pf reconnecting. And you are majorly missing in empathy there.
Don’t drag your little boy into your jealous-fuelled drama.
That poor young woman had her mom manipulate her out of her relationship with her dad - let them rebuild it.
She is nearly an adult - so she wont’t be around all that much after they establish some sort of new normal - for their relationship.
But she is your kids sibling and in the long term it won’t be a bad thing for their relationship to normalise.